I was literally in the middle of a nervous breakdown and then I thought of this plot and wrote it while I cried AHAHAHAHAHAHA thanks ADHD lysm bestie 😝

There's no smut in this at all but the intended dynamics are top tae bottom guk lol it's not really important at all but sometimes I feel like knowing the dynamics makes things better.

Jeongguk is just so fucking tired of chasing after Taehyung. He laments about his heart break and decides it's time to finally stop longing.

I will probably do a part two from the other person's perspective.

Inspired by Wonder by Shawn Mendes
(No he's not peng get a hold of yourself)

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I don't want to love you anymore.

I hate feeling useless next to you and inferior to everyone around you. I hate the way your eyes sparkle warmly as you talk to others, because I'll never know if they sparkle and shimmer in the same angelic way when you talk to me. I hate that I can never distinguish between general kindness and loving affection, and I hate you for blurring those lines in the first place.

I know that you know I love you. Everyone knows. But you continually dodge the conversation, change subject, deflect the statement and try and distract me, doing everything in your power to avoid speaking about feelings.

It would've been less painful to stab me with a knife and slice my throat.

Sometimes when we stood too close to each other, our fingers would touch and we both know it wasn't by accident. Like when our pinkies interlocked as we walked along through the aquarium together. Nobody in their right mind would hold someone else's hand so gently and firmly, and smile at me the way that you did, without knowing what the implications were. Your eyes softened as they met mine, and in that moment, I felt so violently happy that I was worried I was going to vomit.

I know you know that I love you. Everyone Knows. And yet, you continually dodge the conversation, change subject, deflect the statement and try and distract me, doing everything in your power to avoid speaking about feelings because you're too much of a coward to tell me how you really feel.

I don't want to love you anymore.

I wish it was easy to stop; I wish I could just collect all the feelings and intense emotions that accumulated over the years for you and throw them away forever into a fiery pit of hell and watch them burn in front of my eyes and rise up into a cloud of dark, meaningless nothing and know for certain that they'd never materialise into something solid again.

Because I can't be putting myself through this torture much longer.

Bisexual. Bisexual. You hung that stupid flag in your room and stuck pins and posters in every available space, showcasing how proud you were about your sexuality. Cuffed jeans, flannel t-shirts and battered Vans that you wore everywhere; you really were a walking stereotype - I don't really mind you said to me when you came out when we were 17, I'll date anyone.

Anyone except me.

For months I had to endure the sickening sounds of you hooking up with random bimbos and brainless prostitutes while I sat next door and cried silently into my pillow because there was nobody in my life except you who I could talk to about something like this.

Through the walls, I heard you grunt in pleasure, your partners cry out in joy, while I screamed in pain and writhed in agony at the horrifying nature of reality that was surrounding me, encasing me. Suffocating me.

I don't want to love you anymore.

Personally, I think you get off on it. Knowing that I wanted you but couldn't have you, couldn't even fucking hold your stupid fucking hand. You were so cocky and arrogant, head held high as you bragged about all your hookups and fucks - a grand total of 10 people. But in reality it was 11.

Because you fucked me over. Big time

Remember when you fucked Seokjin in the living room? Pressed up right against the sofa like you two were the only people in the world, and that there was nobody else due to come back to the apartment at all. I remember opening the door and locking eyes with you instantly. Your clipped, curt tone of voice as you told me to leave was telling enough of just how much of a nuisance I am to you. I wish I could hate you as much as you hated me in that moment.

Because I don't want to love you anymore.

I don't want to love you anymore, you selfish bastard, but I can't let you go and I hate myself for it and I don't know what to do.

Initially, I thought it was my appearance that was deterring you from saying anything, but I quickly came to realise that it wasn't the case.

You kissed me.

At the New Year's party, you approached me and kissed me so gently I was convinced I was a fragile glass shard for a moment; that I was going to break the very second you let go.

Taehyung, you kissed me, and I knew then that you were fully aware of what was going on between us. I thought that from then on, things would be different, that we'd be different. It was the only logical conclusion I could reach, because why else would you cradle me so carefully like I was the most precious thing on earth? Why else would you have smiled at me so genuinely and told me that you couldn't imagine going another year without telling me how you felt about me? I thought that you had finally decided to convey your feelings, once and for all, so that we could be together. But how wrong I was.

I don't want to love you anymore.

A drunken mistake. That's what you called it. I kissed you again in the morning, and you let me. You let me kiss you and cuddle you and make you breakfast while you sat there knowing you were going to rip my heart out soon. Why didn't you say anything? Why did you let me indulge myself, make a fool out of myself, if you knew that you weren't going to stay by me?

"Listen, Jeongguk." You said as you stood in the doorway, backpack slung haphazardly over your broad shoulder, "What happened yesterday, with the kiss and everything...it was a mistake. I was drunk out of my mind, so let's just pretend like it never happened, okay?"

Do you fucking hate me?

Is that it? Because it feels like you do. You wilfully ignored all the touches and kisses from the morning, all the giggles and smiles we had shared under the blankets five fucking minutes ago, and only addressed what happened the night before. Only addressed the happiest moment of my pitiful life and told me with a disgusting, mesmerising smile on your face that it meant absolutely nothing to you.

The confession my soul had died so many times for. The confession that was my last lifeline, keeping me from drowning in the merciless sea of despair.

You snatched my happiness so cruelly away from me that it felt like my heart had whiplash.

We both knew you were lying. I remember that night and your words so clearly, it's like I had the script in my fucking hands. There was not a single drop of alcohol in your system. I know that for a fact because you had promised to give up drinking for a week like I asked you, and you ended up going for 6 months after. You still don't drink now. If that doesn't speak volumes about the nature of our relationship, then you, Kim Taehyung, must be absolutely fucking deaf.

I know that you know I love you. Everyone knows. But you continually dodge the conversation, change subject, deflect the statement and try and distract me, doing everything in your power to avoid speaking about feelings. Because I think you love me too. However, I don't think that matters anymore, because I'm planning to stop liking you.

I don't. Want to love you. Anymore.

Soon after that, I moved out of our apartment when I landed a huge apprenticeship. You gathered all my friends and threw a surprise party for me to congratulate me. Countless gifts and presents were given to me, you bought me so many things, framed so many pictures and even paid for everyone's dinner, when all I wanted was to hold your stupid hand and sit next to you on that ugly brown godforsaken sofa and watch cartoons with you until my eyes were dry.

I wanted you to tell me that you were proud of me.

You got a girlfriend the day after I left. I heard it from Jimin. I saw it all over your snapchat story, all the places you took her to. You took her to all my favourite places, and did all of my favourite things with her and she even fucking slept in a pair of pyjamas that I'd accidentally left behind.

Did you like to pretend that she was me?

Poisonous thoughts like that plagued my mind for months as I saw her slowly steal my space in your life, the space I had had for over a decade. Because why did she get to have you and I couldn't? It made me feel sick, and worthless to watch somebody waltz in and live the life I had fantasized about so many times before. I removed myself from your private story and stopped replying to your messages, because I knew I couldn't handle it.

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you.

To be held in your arms and rocked gently to sleep. To be kissed good morning and cuddled good night. To be taken out on dates and show off proudly. To be the one that your parents approve of. To be the one that you can't live without. Because you made it painfully obvious that you could live without me, and you were doing a damn good job at it too.

The night that I returned to watch Jimin's performance, you dumped her. You dumped your girlfriend of a year, within the hour that I had returned, and it caught me so off guard, it ruined my day.

How could you stand there and vehemently deny your feelings for me, while taciturnly displaying your desire to be with me? Who does that?

It's not a coincidence. Not at all. Because everyone was blindsided by your breakup and you seemed to be the only one unfazed by it - completely unaffected. In fact, you were more concerned about my arrival than anyone else. Told me you were going to take me out to dinner, that there was this new place that you knew I was going to love. I was filled with such a violent, passionate rage that I had a headache for the rest of the evening.

You came into my room late at night to check on me, to make sure that I was feeling okay. You kept pushing, desperately trying to be let back into my life, and it hurt so much that I relented almost instantly. In that moment, I hated you so much.

I hated you and I loved you and I wanted to punch you and I wanted to kiss you.

As you held me in your arms that night, I told you that I loved you. You heard me; I know you did. I told you that I loved you and you said and did absolutely nothing.

I know that you know I love you. You can't say you don't know. I told you to your fucking face! Right then and there, out in the open, I told you that I loved you and you did absolutely nothing about it.

You didn't even try to dodge the conversation, or change the subject, or deflect the statement or try to distract me. I spoke about my feelings and you kept quiet about yours. I lay there in your arms and fucking cried, right in front of you, and like the sick bastard that you are, you didn't say a single fucking word.

What on earth is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? Because after all of that, I still continued to long for you, still continued to dream about being yours every single pitiful day.

I don't want to love you anymore.

Taehyung, I don't want to love you anymore. My heart is tired from chasing after you. I've lost more than I've gained because you continuously take everything from me. My happiness, my life, my fucking mind - all of it is yours and you don't seem to know, don't even seem to care. The only thing of mine that's left for you to take is my fucking soul, and I just can't keep doing this anymore.

I wish it was easy to stop; I wish I could just collect all the feelings and intense emotions that accumulated over the years for you and throw them away forever into a fiery pit of hell and watch them burn in front of my eyes and rise up into a cloud of dark, meaningless nothing and know for certain that they'd never materialise into something solid again. That they'd never hurt anyone ever again.

Because I'm done waiting for you, Taehyung. Sincerely, I am.

I don't want to love you anymore.

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There's fucking ice cream on my laptop screen 😭😭

-bb