by 613clouds on ao3

taehyun-ah.

this might be quite a surprise to you right? yeah yeah, i know i am not the best when it comes to directly expressing my feelings for you- but two years is not a joke now, is it?

2 years. 2 years of pure happiness, quite a few "smash the universe radio" lives, a little mix of misery- does that sum it up all? it definitely doesn't.

it's about to get kinda sentimental and shit and i do expect you to come crying towards me so i'll prepare a tub of ice-cream and myself but- a list early warnings:

1) this moment is a little too special for me to not blurt out everything i majorly felt while being in love with you so this is going to be a long, wild ride.

2) a small part of self-depreciation but don't worry !! i am definitely past that phase now this is the new cool, hot, sexy choi beomgyu right in the studio typing this down in my notes app because i know i will forget this once i reach home to your arms.

3) ticking off another one from your wishlist, i hope this unconventional love letter can do justice to everything you have been to me from the day we met.

the following two are not exactly warnings for this letter. . . but you deserve it *idk how to draw angry face emojis*

4) just because you have gotten strong these days doesn't mean you can pick me up whenever and wherever. meanie. seems like i will have to join your gym sessions frequently now :(

5) oh my god please stop exposing your love for me at random places like the radio show. . . "do you think i like you? you're right." I WILL REALLY EXPLODE don't you think it's a little unfair with me not getting to react to it. what about me taehyun-ah? what about me who could melt into a puddle? what about the functionality of my heart? won't you miss me then?

okay i cant think of anything else, let's start here !!! ENJOY ENJOY <3

i've always heard eomma advising me to preserve good memories, so that i could cherish them later on in life. but what happens to the bad ones? why are they meant to be thrown off? is it ever easy to just let go of them like that?

being with you let me preserve those bad memories too, but it wasn't painful as i had imagined it to be. now that i remember about it all, they only seem to be like a testimony to how strong our relationship has been till now.

you are definitely guessing where this is going and you are right.

september 2019, a month before our first comeback.

when i was too afraid to face how this world works. too much of a coward to speak up about what i felt- a mixture of fear, sadness, anxiety laced with the only comfort of having the members by my side.

fear of extreme negative responses. sadness of feeling homesick. anxious because of the first two, and also the thought of you all feeling burdened solely because of me.

i didn't feel the need to get into our room and would end up sniffing on the couch, all curled up under the blankets every night, but you. you never failed to check up on me. i admit i was a pain in the ass that whole month, but thankyou for holding me tight and never trying to let go before i fell asleep on your shoulder.

i have to admit, the first time it happened and i felt the need to have someone by my side- i just called you. i don't know why i did, i don't know why it was you and not any one else.

is this what they call fate? destiny?

it does make sense though.

the thought of someone out there being aligned to form a bond with someone like ME would have sounded crazy three years ago. but i like the thought of it. i like the thought of being the one to align with the universe for you.

that month was crazy as hell, but no matter how positively it ended, i kept thinking about us. it had been just a few months since we started dating, and i felt like you would cut it loose with me soon. felt as if i would wake to an empty space the next morning. it formed a void in my heart, not wanting to know how it would be with having less of you.

taehyun-ah, has someone ever told you that you are very easy to love?

a constellation of stars finding home in your eyes, a heart too kind, pretty pretty face, boopable nose but above all- your ability to understand the people around you and act according to that.

even after all of this mess, you stuck with me? me who couldn't bring myself to give back the entirety of love that you showered me with. i hope i'm doing justice now though, and there's still A LOT of future ahead of us- so i hope to reach that final destination of being a lo♡ er instead of a lo$er soon !!!

you always ask me about the moment i realized i was in love with you right? i could never really point it out because it never was a particular moment that i got to know about.

falling in love with you was rather a slow, steady process- of course i had it coming since the day i saw you as a trainee, but my feelings only were heightened after we debuted and things started getting more comfortable with each other. i guess it was easy from then, like going downhill from a mountain. easy, fast and a little more fun.

although there is (1) moment when i felt like oh. i really am in love with you.

i don't remember where it was but you wrote this down somewhere. . . . ."beomgyu hyung who is explosive; beomgyu hyung who is composed- just all of it is beomgyu hyung that i love. above it all, hyung who feels pressured and exhausted is still more or less beomgyu hyung. i'd like if it beomgyu hyung was happy."

ps: i just skimmed through twitter to find that quote word-to-word i hope you appreciate my efforts :P

i don't really know how to word it out right now, but that quote made me realize that your point of view of looking at things is very unique. it would be kinder to love myself the way you love me. you seem to see through everything that i try to hide, seem to look at the invisible baggage that i carry on my back.

thankyou for lessening it just by your presence around me. thankyou for not being that person who could use my weaknesses for their own advantage. for being the person who accepts my ugly the same way you accept my beauty.

be honest, do you have a superpower that you use to love me in a way no one could ever?

although we've had our own phase of mutual pining with a dash of misunderstandings that the hyungs and our hueningie helped us out with, i'm glad it all turned out this way. wouldn't dare change it for anything else in this world.

dont forget to send your daily streak of cat selca, me and our moas keep those close to our hearts, they're the cutest and you're a baby- my babyyyyyy <3

on that note, could we adopt a cat TAEHYUN-AH PLEASEEEEE PLEASE PLEASE inserts puppy face emojis they might not be as adorable as you but they're great company. . . give it a thought okay?

i know what you are doing right now: eyes wide and a little teared up, a big smile pulled up on your face, and thinking how random things are in this letter. it's just- my thoughts are all over the place when it comes to you, so my apologies.

also i don't know if i could keep this promise, but i want to be by your side and myself cross out every other wish that remains unticked in your wishlist.

thankyou for proving yourself time and again, even when i never asked you to. if we fall out of love one day (word to focus on: IF because youre not getting rid of me so soon doofus)- you would be the only one i ever loved with all my heart. the only one who could capture the essence of love for me, and that is enough for this lifetime.

this got too long but whatever aaaaa im gonna give it to you before i change my mind and hide it forever. . . i love you taehyun-ah, so much that i wished there were words that would go beyond how beautiful it is to love someone like you. and i'm extremely proud of the person who have shaped up to be today. you're amazing, and i promise to let you know that every single day i breathe.

yours truly,

other half of jjokkomiz <3

~

blurry.

everything around him looks blurry, and his mind. . . .well, there's only one word that could describe closely what he felt- euphoria.

taehyun quickly wipes away the tears that again try to brim his eyes, looking at the big sized paper that sits prettily on his desk. and to think about every single word that is written down on that single piece of paper? taehyun thinks he might burst out of love. no no, he is quite sure about it.

unable to move (just quite shocked to do that right now), he takes up his phone that lies on the other end of the desk and skims through his notification bar. there is one text in the members gc, and a missed call from "a beomgyu hyung <3".

he puts down his phone, taking the letter into his hands once again. also leaves himself a pinch- he can't seem to distinguish between reality and a dream right now.

but oh- his hand stings with pain, bringing him back to this scene which is supposed to be real.

"taehyun, are you not leaving for homeee?? come soon, we're gonna order some fried chicken and bingsu tonight !!!" he hears soobin speak right outside the studio, and puts down the supposed love letter safely into the smallest section of his bag.

he catches soobin when he steps right outside music island.

"hyung, can you do me a favour?" he asks pleadingly, and soobin cannot ever deny those puppy eyes.

taehyun can't wait to go home.

~

when beomgyu hears a knock on the door that night, his feet finally stop tapping against the floor, anxiety dying down for a bit before rising up like a rollercoaster again.

it must be taehyun, he thinks and takes a deep breath before opening the door.

"oh, you came home early today?" taehyun asks casually, and beomgyu tries to find something in eyes. happiness, excitement, just any form of expression that could portray something to the elder.

he tries not to think about the pang of disappointment that hits his heart when he is proven wrong.

"y-yeah i finished up work earlier." he mumbles back quietly, finding his way back into the kitchen to open another packet of his favourite gummy bears.

if taehyun notices the way his eyes droop down, devoid of any joy and how a small pout now adores his face, he tries not to crumble down upon his plan.

keyword: he tries.

taehyun terribly accepts his failure when he moves forward to pick up beomgyu full bridal-style, earning a mix of shouts and screams from the other, constantly trying to wiggle out from taehyun's strong hold.

"i'm never taking the warning 4 of the letter seriously, hyung." he has the audacity to giggle.

"TAEHYUN-AH !!! you. are. going to. regret. this." beomgyu lets the other know that he dead serious before continuing.

"after a month, when you will be in my shoes, you are so going to regret this."

"your legs are too small for me to fit into your shoes."

beomgyu catches the smirk that plays on taehyun's lips, and stills in his hold.

"shut up." beomgyu lets out another mumble, on the verge of giving up, because he knows taehyun is way too strong right now to fight off.

when beomgyu is finally put down by the other, he pretends to walk away but it's too late. a smile automatically makes its way onto his face when there's a tug on his wrist, pulling him back to where he finds his home.

"happy 2. i did read the letter. thankyou, i don't really know how to express what i felt, but just know that yeah i did cry and i love you so so much. thankyou for not being a dream i thought would be far-fetched for me to reach to."

beomgyu doesn't waste another second to pull taehyun into a tight, heartfelt hug. hands finding solace around his neck, heart thumping a little faster than usual when he feels the other's hands hold onto the peach-coloured cardigan that he dressed up himself in.

"i love you too, here's to more years of loving you with everything that i have it in me !!"

taehyun only leaves a soft kiss on beomgyu's temple, never wanting to separate from his jjokkomi that completes him in a way nobody else could.

home. a warm, comfortably familiar home is what they find in each other forever.