'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
(Because Santa killed them all!)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(But he already was there and he killed them all!)
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(But there was no visions because they were all dead!)
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
(A long nap for eternity!)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
(But he was dead!)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(In his dreams! Ha ha! Get it?)
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
(Midday? It's the middle of the night!)
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
(His eyes are closed! He's dead!)
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
(The one who killed him!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
(Eagles? Their reindeers!)
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!
(Dasher dashes over people to kill them, Dancer dances, Prancer prances, and so on! His little killing minions!😠)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
("Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" *To go kill people*)
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
(An obstacle in the sky?! Maybe full of dead people😃)
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too-
(Toys! Ha! Sharp toys!)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(When your dead do your ears still work? I don't think so)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
(He must be having a flashback in the afterlife)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(Wonder where he got the fur from, could it be SATAN! Santa=Satan)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
(Of sharp things)
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
(Santa's distracting him. Get out of the trance!!!!)
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
(A bow to kill someone with)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
(Maybe the smoke got to his brain)
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
(*Evil laugh*)
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
(Rude, just rude. I don't blame Santa for killing him.)
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(He's tricking him!)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(Filled all the stockings with what, explosives)
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(Wait. Santa can fly!)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(Oooo, pointy)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night"
(Well isn't that extra special)