"I know they've hurt you bad. Why hide the scars you have? Baby let me straighten out your broken bones. All your faults to me make you more beautiful." –The Broken Ones, Dia Frampton

--

There was nothing more pitiful than a person who has no spark in his eyes. It's like life was taken out of him, his very essence was gone. It's like that for Jae. It's worse for him. Not only was he grieving for his lost baby, he was also grieving for her. Afraid that one day, he will lose her too.

Jae was always staring into space. She doesn't talk much. She doesn't eat. She was just there, lifeless. Tuwing gabi, nakabantay siya sa pagtulog nito. Hindi naman ito pumapalag kapag yumayakap siya rito. Ni hindi nga ito gumagalaw. Kung hindi lang dahil sa mahina nitong paghinga, aakalain nyang wala na itong buhay.

It had been like that for a few days. She was eerily quiet, until one day...

Nasa kusina sya noon, nagluluto ng pananghalian nila. Naglalaba si Manang Soling ng mga damit sa likod-bahay. Si Jae naman ay nasa sala, nanunuod. Everything was the way they were before until he heard a scream.

Agad siyang tumakbo papunta sa sala. He saw Jae wrestling with the TV. Hawak-hawak nito ang remote at paulit-ulit na inihahampas sa LED screen. Commercial ng Pampers ang nakapalabas. There was a baby on the screen and Jae was trying to get him out.

He had to yank her away from the TV. Pero nahila nito iyon bago pa man niya ito mailayo. The TV fell from the wall. Nasira ito agad pagkabagsak.

Jae then turned to him and hit him in the face with the remote control.

"Jae! Ako 'to!"

Inagaw niya ang remote at saka iyon itinapon sa malayo.

"Ano'ng nangyayari?!" tanong ni manang na tarantang tumakbo papunta sa kanila.

"Wala, manang," sagot niya sa matanda. Hinula niya ang dalawang kamay ni Jae at inilagay sa likuran nito. "Kaya ko na 'to."

"Sigurado ka?"

"Opo."

Nag-aalangan itong bumalik sa likod-bahay. Siya naman ay napasigaw nang kagatin siya ni Jae sa leeg.

"Jae!"

Niyakap niya ito ng mahigpit, her hands still trapped behind her back.

"Tama na, please..."

"Y-Yung baby ko..." naiiyak nitong sabi. Her shoulders were shaking as she cries. Pero tumigil na ito sa pagwawala. Now, she's crying again.

"Sshh... our baby's in heaven now."

Humagulhol ito sa balikat niya. "I want my baby back!"

He cupped her face. "We can always make another one, Jae. Kung gusto mo, isang dosena pa."

Tumigil ito sa pag-iyak dahil sa sinabi nya.

"Then let's make them."

Nginitian niya ito saka hinalikan sa noo. "Saka na kapag magaling ka na."

"Gusto ko ngayon na!"

Her hand went down his crotch. Agad naman niya iyong inalis.

"Jae, you need to heal first."

"I want to have a baby NOW!" she insisted.

She looked like she just completely lost her mind. Gone was the Jae he used to know. Wala na sa katinuan ang kaharap niya ngayon.

"We can't! Not when you're like this!"

"I want a baby! I want a baby! Fuck me! Fuck me now!"

His hand took a life of its own. Agad na lumapat ang palad niya sa pisngi nito. It's as if time had stopped when he slapped her in the face. Maang itong napatingin sa kanya.

"Jae, I'm sorry..."

Sinubukan nya itong hawakan sa balikat pero sumalampak ito sa sahig. Saka ito muling umiyak. Agad na tumakbo si manang papunta rito.

"Mabuti pang umalis ka muna," sabi nito sa kanya.

"Manang, hindi ko po sinasadya."

Tumango ito. "Alam ko."

Lumabas siya ng bahay. Saka lang niya napansin na kanina pa pala sya umiiyak nang mapagawi sa mukha niya ang palad na sumampal kay Jae kanina. He should not have done that. He should have never laid a hand on her, no matter how crazy she gets.

--

"Tahan na, anak," pang-aalo sa kanya ng matanda. Pinaupo siya nito sa couch, nakayakap ang isa nitong braso sa kanya.

Hanggang ngayon ay ramdam nya ang sampal na iyon. She knew what she did. Alam niyang mali. It was disgusting and pathetic. But like someone who's under the influence, she didn't care. When he said that they could make another baby, sobra siyang natuwa. She wanted to get started right away.

She wanted to feel a life growing inside her again. But he refused, said that she needs to heal first. Matagal na siyang magaling. Hindi niya alam kung ano pa ba ang hinihintay nito.

When he slapped her, it felt like she was woken up. Parang bigla siyang natauhan. But she also felt something else. She felt anger. She felt rejection.

Why did he reject her? Ayaw na ba nitong magkaanak sila?

"Tahan na, Eloisa. Hindi niya iyon sinasadya."

Alam naman niya iyon. At alam din niyang kasalanan niya kung bakit sya nasampal. But she couldn't help but get angry with him.

--

Jae stayed inside her room for the rest of the afternoon. Dinalhan ito ni manang ng pagkain pero nang balikan nito ang tray ay walang nabawas doon.

He tried to talk to her pero hanggang pintuan lamang siya ng kwarto nito. She was looking at him with spite and burning anger. Balot na balot ito ng kumot. Ayaw magpalapit sa kanya.

He didn't want to scare her any further so he slept on the couch when night came. Hinayaan niyang si manang ang tumabi dito pagtulog.

But by past midnight, nagising siya dahil may naririnig siyang nagsasalita. Mahina. Mabilis. Na para bang galit pero ayaw iparinig ang sinasabi. Agad siyang bumangon and when his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw someone in the kitchen.

Nakatayo ito sa tabi ng sink.

"Jae?"

He heard a gasp and then the murmuring stopped. Kinapa niya ang switch sa katabing pader. Jae was looking at him with panic in her eyes. Nakahaya ang kaliwa nitong braso. Ang isang kamay naman ay may hawak na kutsilyo.

Puro hiwa ang kaliwa nitong braso.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo?!"

Agad niyang inagaw ang kutsilyo mula rito. Maybe it was because of the shock that she didn't even resist when he took the knife from her hand.

"Manang!" pasigaw niyang tawag sa matandang natutulog pa sa taas.

Maya-maya'y dali-dali itong bumaba.

"Bakit? Ano na naman ang nangyari?"

"Pakibantayan ang bahay. Dadalhin ko lang si Jae sa ospital."

"Bak—" Nanlaki ang mga mata nito nang makita ang kaliwang braso ng alaga. Napa-antanda ito. "Jusko! Ano ka ba namang bata ka!" gigil nitong sabi kay Jae.

Parang wala naman itong narinig. Nakatingin lang ito sa kawalan.

"Manang, dito muna po kayo."

"Oo, sige! Lakad na!"

--

"Wala namang tinamaang major artery sa kaliwang pulso niya. Mababaw lamang ang mga hiwa. You can take her home after she was treated."

"Pero doc, wala pa rin sya sa sarili nya. She might do this again."

"I could give her some medicine but she shouldn't abuse them. Baka masanay sya, hanap-hanapin naman nya ang gamot. You need to take good care of her."

"I am!"

The doctor sighed. "You need to give her better care. Don't let her out of your sight again. Lahat ng ito ay psychological lang but if she can't overcome the trauma and distress, you will lose her."

And that's what he's afraid of.

When he took her home, hindi na niya ito nilubayan ng tingin. She went back to being distant and unresponsive. Nakaupo lang ito sa isang tabi, nakatunganga. Hindi na sya natulog nang bandang madaling araw. He intended to stay awake as long as she's awake. He didn't want to take any chances.

Hinayaan niyang si manang ang magluto ng agahan. Nasa sala siya, nakatunganga kay Jae habang nakatanga naman ito sa kawalan. Kapag gumalaw ito'y gagalaw din siya.

Her actions merit his reactions. Tuwing tatayo ito ay tatayo rin siya. Susundan niya ito kahit saan ito magpunta. Ultimo nga pagpunta nito sa banyo, pinapasama pa niya si manang Soling.

It went on for a while. Ini-lock nila sa drawer sa kusina ang mga kutsilyo at matutulis na bagay na pwede nitong mapagdiskitahan. He wouldn't let her near the stove.

He was quickly losing to his paranoia at napapansin na rin ito ni manang Soling.

"Hijo, matulog ka muna."

"Okay lang ako, manang."

Bumuntong-hininga ito. "Natutulog naman na siya. Matulog ka na rin."

"She might wake up."

"Magbabantay ako."

He looked at Jae, who was fast asleep. He could probably use a nap. Sumasakit na rin ang ulo niya kakakape. Nakaupo lamang si manang sa isang sulok ng kwarto. May dala-dala itong isang paper bag na puro pocketbooks.

"Iidlip lang po ako," paalam niya.

"Matulog ka. Kahit ilang oras pa."

Tinanguan niya ito saka siya humiga sa tabi ni Jae.

--

Hindi niya alam kung gaano katagal siyang tulog. But he felt refreshed when he woke up. And her eyes were the first things he saw when he opened his. She was staring at him. She wasn't even blinking.

"Jae..."

Lumapit ito sa kanya at saka isiniksik ang leeg nito sa balikat niya.

"Toby..."

"Hm?"

Tumunghay ito.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For losing the baby. I didn't mean to."

"Jae, it's not your fault."

Umiling ito. "It's my fault. I should've brought you with me. Dapat isinama kita sa plano ko, no matter how small it is. Maybe then, our baby would still be alive."

"Tapos na 'yon."

"Pero—"

"If you want to make it up to me, then get back to being normal." He kissed her forehead. "I don't want to lose you too."