"So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose. If you're given the choice, then I beg you to choose to walk away, walk away, don't let her get you." –Terrible Things, Mayday Parade

--

It was 7:30 in the evening when Toby started to worry. Kahit pa alam niyang nasa nature ni Jae ang pagiging late, alam din niyang hindi sya nito paghihintayin. Ever since naging sila, sinusubukan nitong mag-improve para sa kanya. And she had improved a lot, lalo na nang magka-baby sila.

But now, she's not replying to his messages. She's not even answering his call! Nakailang tawag na siya rito pero ring lang nang ring ang phone nito.

Hindi niya alam kung busy lang ba ito o galit sa kanya o may topak o kung may nangyari nang masama rito. Jae has limited reactions to things. It makes her predictable but that also makes it difficult to tell any difference.

Quarter to eight. He decided to look for her. Nasa taxi na siya nang tumawag ito. Agad niya iyong sinagot. Kilala nya ang boses ni Jae. Kahit pa bulong lang 'yan, alam nya. And the caller was definitely not Jae.

The woman was crying though. It made him more anxious.

"H-Hijo... s-si Eloisa..."

Hindi na nito naituloy ang sasabihin. Humahagulhol na ito sa kabilang linya. Hindi niya sigurado kung mommy ba ito ni Jae. Imposible namang hindi nito sasabihin sa kanya kung dumating man ang isa sa mga parents nito.

But whoever the woman was, she seemed to be so close to Jae. And it bothered him na todo iyak ito. Something bad must have happened. Pero kahit ano'ng pilit niya ay hindi na ito nakapagsalita.

And then he heard a man's voice telling him that they're at the hospital. Something bad had happened to Jae. Halos bulyawan na niya ang taxi driver para bilisan ang pagmamaneho.

--

"Anak... I'm so sorry! Hindi ko alam!" her mom wailed.

Blangko lamang ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya. She was sedated. But she was aware of everything. Dapat ay tulog na siya ngayon but her mind refuses to rest.

Pagod na pagod na siya. Ramdam niya ang sakit, although it's impossible because of the drug. Maybe it was just psychological, but whatever it is, paulit-ulit itong nagpi-play sa utak niya.

The baby. She lost her baby...

Kanina ay isinugod siya ng mga magulang niya sa pinakamalapit na ospital. Tanda niya kung paano sya nagwala. She even scratched her mom's neck in struggle. They kept on telling her to calm down or she might lose the baby. But judging by the amount of blood, she already lost him... or her. Paano na niya malalaman kung ano ang gender ng bata? The human being she had been carrying for a few weeks was now reduced to a puddle of blood on the hospital floor.

She refused to let them take it out of her. She scooped the blood and tried to make it whole again. Nang hawakan ng mga ito ang mga braso niya ay tuluyan na syang nawala sa sarili. She was thrashing and yelling out every curse she knows.

And then she felt a slight prick on her arm. But the pain couldn't compare to the emptiness she felt on her belly. The baby just kicked this morning. Now, she couldn't feel anything...

Why can't her happiness last forever?

--

Halos malugmok si Toby sa sahig. Gusto niyang magwala. Gusto niyang pumatay ng tao. He never knew that such amount of anger could surge within him. But who can he blame for the accident? That's why it's called accident in the first place... because no one meant it to happen.

Gusto niyang sisihin ang mga magulang ni Jae. It was their fault! They destroy everything just by existing! Pero hindi niya magawa... dahil hindi naman nila alam.

He should have told them. Sana ay hindi siya naduwag. He could have saved the baby.

Jae was staring into space, oblivious to the fact that he was there. Awang-awa siya rito. She had been through enough. How the hell will she survive this?

Hinawakan niya ang kamay nito.

"Jae..."

Her eyes moved. Tumingin ito sa kanya pero hindi ito nagsalita. Napako siya sa tinging iyon. Her eyes were bloodshot red. Maputlang-maputla ito. Para itong na-coma, only with her situation, she's choosing not to move.

"Kasalanan mo ito, hayop ka!"

Naramdaman niyang may humila sa collar ng damit niya. He was yanked upwards. Jae's dad was glaring at him, namumula ito sa galit.

"Tama na!"

Inawat ito ng mommy ni Jae. But her father was much stronger. Itinulak nito patabi ang mommy ni Jae at saka siya sinuntok. He didn't even lift a finger to defend himself.

Mabuti na lamang at may mga nurse na nakakita. They managed to get her father off him. Nanggagalaiti ito sa galit habang dinuduro-duro siya. Hindi raw iyon mangyayari kung hindi niya binuntis ang anak nito. Gusto niyang sabihing hindi naman siya nagkulang. Inalagaan naman niya si Jae. He was even willing to marry her.

But nothing came out of his mouth.

"Tama na!" narinig niyang sabi ng mommy ni Jae. Sumalampak siya sa sahig, malapit sa kinahihigaan nito. He could hear every word that her parents are throwing at each other pero parang wala siyang maintindihan. O baka wala lang talaga siyang pakialam. Hindi niya alam.

He couldn't feel anything anymore...

--

Nagsisigawan na naman sila.

But why is she still lying on the bed? Sawang-sawa na siyang marinig silang nagtatalo. Pero kahit anong pilit niya, hindi siya makatayo. Parang may mga sako ng sementong nakapatong sa katawan niya. Hindi siya makakilos.

Careless.

Pregnant.

She flinched.

Baby.

Her mind started catching up random words na hindi niya alam kung bakit nakakaapekto sa kanya.

Dead.

She gasped for air. Unti-unti, naramdaman niya ang sakit. Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata niya. Parang may kung anong gustong lumabas sa lalamunan niya.

She started flinching. Kinuyom niya ang mga palad. Because of that, she was able to feel the needle pierced to the back of her hand. Masakit.

Naiiyak na siya sa sakit.

She eased her hands open. Then her fingers caught the strands of his hair. Her eyes darted at the back of his head.

Toby.

"T-To—" Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. It felt like her lungs were being ripped open. "T-Toby..."

Agad itong lumingon. Pulang-pula ang mata nito. Tears were flowing down his cheeks but he remained silent. May pasa ito sa mukha pero mukhang hindi iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ito umiiyak.

"Jae..."

Tumayo ito at lumapit sa kanya. His shoulders shook. He broke down in an instant, na para bang kanina pa nito gustong gawin iyon, na parang sinisikap lang nitong huwag matumba at gumuho.

--

It has been two days since the incident. Wala pa ring buhay si Jae. Blangko pa rin itong tumingin. Her eyes would only flicker in recognition kapag namamataan siya nito. Si manang Soling ang nagpapabalik-balik sa ospital para dalhan siya ng damit.

Nagpipresinta pa itong magbabantay kahit ilang minuto lang para makakain sya. Pero ayaw niyang iwanan si Jae mag-isa.

Ilang beses na rin itong pinakiusapan ng mga magulang na makipag-usap pero parang wala itong naririnig. Wala nang nagawa ang mga ito kundi manuod sa isang sulok, hintaying magkaroon ng pagbabago sa kalagayan nito.

Dumalaw na rin ang mga kaibigan niya. Gale was the most affected.

Jazz came too. Even Kent. Pero nang makita ni Jae ang anak nito na kalong-kalong nito noon, nagwala ito. They had to leave the room just to calm her down.

"I'm sorry, Toby."

Hindi siya sumagot.

"Toby, kailangan mong kumain. Kami muna ang magbabantay sa kanya."

Hindi sya kumibo.

"Toby, Jae needs you. She needs you healthy. Sino na lang ang mag-aalaga sa kanya kung mahina ka rin?" pangununsensya ni Rico.

Mukhang tinamaan siya sa sinabi nito. Tumayo siya mula sa kinauupuan at saka naghanap ng makakain. He managed to find a sandwich na mukhang kahapon pa dinala ni Manang. Pagkakita doon ay agad siyang bumalik sa upuan niya at doon kumain.

--

It went on for days. Kahit kaya na ni Jae tumayo, hindi pa rin ito kumikilos. And he didn't move as well. Kinailangan pa siyang pakiusapan ng nanay niya para magpahinga siya. Pero dahil mukhang nababalisa si Jae kapag makikita nitong may balak siyang umalis, pinayagan na rin itong makauwi para sa bahay na niya ito maalagaan.

Nag-stay si manang kasama nila. Patuloy pa rin ito sa paggawa ng gawaing bahay. Nagluluto pa rin ito ng mga pagkaing hindi naman nila kinakain.

"Hijo, kailangan mong kumain. Aba'y nasasayang ang perang pinamamalengke ko!" sabi nito sa kanya isang araw.

Hindi niya inintindi ang matanda. Kung kakain man siya, ilang subo lang. Parang ayaw na ring tanggapin ng sikmura niya. Mas ginawa niyang priority ang malamnan ang tiyan ni Jae ng pagkain. Pero kung siya, walang gana, ano pa kaya ito?

Nasasaktan siya sa tuwing makikita niya itong nakatulala. It's as if it's not enough that he already lost the baby. Parang unti-unti na rin itong nawawala sa kanya.

Until one night, her suicidal tendencies went back.