"Falling from cloud nine. Crashing from the high..." –Wide Awake, Katy Perry

--

He didn't go to work that day. He was even hesitant to leave her side to take a bath. Pakiramdam niya ay nagi-guilty si Toby sa nangyari, which he shouldn't, given na hindi naman siya nito pinilit. If it's a crime, then she's an accomplice.

Since then, mas lalo itong maalaga sa kanya. Parang hindi na nga sila mag-boyfriend. Parang mag-tatay na. Napapasobra na yata ito sa pagiging thoughtful and caring. Yung tipong maya't maya ito magtetext o tatawag sa kanya to ask how she was doing.

Palagi itong nakatambay sa bahay niya during his free time. Every weekend, he spends with her. And she didn't know why it bothered her. Samantalang dati naman, ganoon ang gusto niya. Gusto niyang maging mundo ng isang tao. She wants someone's life to revolve around her, to put her first, ahead of everything... And now that it's happening, para namang mali.

And when she couldn't take it anymore, she snapped.

"Ano ba, Toby! It's just sex! Stop acting like you amputated my leg!"

He flinched, as if she just threw something at him.

"So yun lang yun sa 'yo? Sex?"

He was hurt. She could tell. It was written all over his face. Gusto tuloy niyang bawiin ang sinabi. But it's out there now. There's no taking it back.

"Okay, that's not what I meant. Sorry, it came out wrong."

"What did you mean then?"

Sighing, she told him, "I just want you to stop acting like my dad."

"Bakit? Inalagaan ka ba ng tatay mo?" he scoffed. Now, he's looking guilty. "Sorry."

But it was already out there. There's no taking it back.

"Pasensya naman kung wala kami sa kalingkingan ng perpekto mong pamilya!"

"Jae, huwag mo namang idamay ang pamilya ko rito."

"You started it!"

"You brought it up!"

Bahagya siyang natigilan. It's not because of what he said. It's because of what's happening. They were yelling at each other. Parang ang nangyari sa parents niya. It's starting already. Hindi pa man sila kasal pero ganito na agad sila. Paano na lang kung maging ganito sila palagi?

When she looked at the stairs, she could imagine a little girl crying, her hands on her ears, muffling the sound of the screams. Then, it hit her. She's not imagining her future kid. She's remembering herself...

Everything became a blur. Even his voice slowly faded. She couldn't see anything after.

--

Nang magising siya maya-maya ay wala na si Toby. Nakahiga siya sa sarili niyang kama. Nasa gilid si manang, nakatingin ng mataman sa kanya.

"Mabuti naman at nagising ka na. Pinakaba mo 'ko, Eloisa!"

She flinched. Masakit sa ulo ang malakas na boses ni manang. Parang bumabaon sa kagigising niyang utak.

"Si Toby po?"

"Nasa kabila. Sabihan ko raw sya kapag okay ka na. Nag-away ba kayo? Itanong ko raw kung galit ka pa e."

"Bakit hindi sya ang magtanong kung gusto nyang malaman? Hindi yung ipapatanong pa nya sa ibang tao."

Manang gave her a smug look. "Galit ka pa nga."

"E kasi naman!"

"Alalang-alala sya sa 'yo." Bigla syang natahimik dahil sa sinabi ng matanda. "Kung makapag-alala naman sya akala mo may malala kang sakit!" natatawa nitong sabi. Saka ito natigilan na para bang may na-realize. Tapos ay kumunot ang noo nito. "Wala ka namang malalang sakit, ano?" alala nitong tanong.

"Wala po!"

"Hm, mabuti na 'yong sigurado." Tumayo ito at hinila rin siya pabangon. "Magpapa-check up tayo."

"Manang!"

"Huwag nang matigas ang ulo, Eloisa!"

"Wala akong pampa-check up!"

"Pagbayarin mo yung nobyo mo!"

"Ayoko nga!"

Bumuntong-hininga ito. "Sya, sige. Papautangin muna kita."

"Wala akong pambayad."

"E di huwag mong bayaran. Utang na loob mo na lang."

In the end, wala na siyang nagawa kundi ang pumayag. Halos kaladkarin siya nito papunta sa pinakamalapit na clinic. The doctor gave her a funny look when she sat down on the chair.

"Ilang taon ka na, hija?" tanong nito.

"Twenty-five," sagot niya.

"You're not wearing any ring so I take it that you're not married? E boyfriend, meron ka?"

If the doctor didn't happen to be a woman, she'd say that she's hitting on her.

"Meron ho, doktora," sagot ni manang.

Tumango-tango ito. "So, bigla ka na lang nahimatay, right? Kumain ka ba before that?"

She nodded. They just had lunch when the fight started.

"Hindi ka naman anemic?"

"As far as I know, hindi naman."

Tumango ulit ito at saka binuksan ang isang drawer ng table nito. She was surprised when the doctor handed her a PT kit.

"I'm not—"

"You have this certain glow on you. Trust me, I am pregnant myself, so I know."

Napilitin siyang kunin ang kit. Tiningnan niya si manang Soling. Mukhang malapit na itong umiyak.

"Pinagsabihan na kita..." nanghihina nitong sabi.

"Once lang naman nangyari 'yon, manang! I'm not that unfortunate!"

Pero sa loob-loob niya, nagsisimula na siyang matakot. Paano nga kung totoo? What will she do then? Parang unti-unti nang nagsisimulang magkatotoo ang mga kinatatakutan niya.

Will they end up like her parents did?

--

Nanlulumo siyang bumalik sa doktora, hawak-hawak ang pregnancy test kit na balot na balot ng tissue. Maybe it was just another nightmare. Pero nakailang tapik at kurot na siya sa sarili kanina. And there's no other explanation for the pain but reality.

So it has to be real. But it's just a one-time thing. Of all the days naman, bakit kung kailan fertile pa sya, saka may nangyari sa kanila?

Nakita niyang nakatakip ang mga palad ng matanda sa bibig nito. Nangingilid na rin ang luha sa mga mata nito. Alam niyang hindi siya nito papabayaan but she feels guilty for being such a burden. Kung nakinig lamang sana siya...

But it's been weeks already. She can't go back in time to prevent it from happening. And maybe it's bound to happen anyway.

"Based on your reaction, I take it that this wasn't planned?" tanong ng doktor.

Umiling siya at naupo. "It's just a one-time thing..."

"Well, some people are just lucky," nakangiti nitong sabi. "Kami ng asawa ko, naghintay pa ng mahigit isang taon bago magkaanak. You should take it as a blessing."

Luck? Blessing? She was doomed! What will her parents do if they learned about it? Pipilitin din ba silang ipakasal ni Toby kagaya ng ginawa ng mga grandparents niya sa mga magulang niya? What if Toby doesn't even want to have kids?

Suddenly feeling alone, unti-unti na siyang naiyak. This could very well be the end of her life.

--

Malayo pa lang ang taxi, namataan na agad niya si Toby sa labas ng gate. Tumingin ito sa gawi nila at naghintay na bumaba siya.

"Manang, diretso na tayo sa inyo."

"Ha? Hindi mo pa ba sasabihin sa kanya?"

Umiling siya. "Ayoko pa."

Tinanguan siya nito at saka nagbigay ng direksyon sa driver. Yumuko siya nang madaanan nila si Toby. Alam niyang iisipin nitong galit pa rin siya. Maybe he needs to think that way. Mas mabuti na iyon kaysa malaman nito ang totoo.

Pagdating nila sa bahay ni manang Soling, agad siyang pumunta sa kwarto na madalas niyang tulugan kapag nandoon siya. She didn't go out the whole night. Umiyak lang sya ng umiyak. Parang wala nang katapusan ang problema niya. Palagi na lang ganito.

Kaya takot na siyang maging masaya... hindi rin naman nagtatagal.

--

Tatlong araw din siyang naglagi sa bahay ng matanda. She let her phone run out of power para hindi na sya matawagan ni Toby. He's been calling like crazy for the past days.

She decided to come back during the weekend dahil alam niyang uuwi si Toby sa kanila. At least, that's what she thought. Nakabantay pa rin pala ito sa bahay niya, hinihintay syang bumalik. When he saw her coming, he went over to her and held her arm. He made sure to grip her tightly, para hindi sya makawala. It was even to a point na nasasaktan na siya. But still, he didn't let go.

"Jae, you can't run out on me tuwing galit ka sa 'kin. Bakit hindi mo 'ko kausapin? Makikinig naman ako!"

"Toby, nasasaktan ako."

He loosened his grip but he didn't completely let go. Akala siguro nito ay tatakbo siya, like she did before. But are pregnant women even allowed to run?

"Ano ba ang problema ha? If this is about what happened a few days ago, then I'm sorry. Gusto ko lang namang alagaan ka. Pasensya na kung napasobra. Hindi ko na uulitin. Sorry na rin sa mga sinabi ko tungkol sa daddy mo. And I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Okay lang. Sorry din."

Tumango ito. "So, okay na ba tayo?"

She shook her head. They would never be okay again. Toby is a family guy. He cares about his family but she doesn't think that he's even ready to start his own. Ni wala pa nga itong naiipundar para sa pamilya nito tapos dadagdag pa sya.

And she's not ready to be a mother. She's an emotional wreck who lets everything explode when she can't handle them anymore. She's jobless and has no money. She has bad relationship with her family and she can't even cook! How can she possibly mother a child?!

Well, she has to think of a way. But she has to spare him from all the bullshit. He doesn't deserve to be tied up to her. She will just bring him down.

"No. I don't think so."

Kumalas siya rito at saka dali-daling naglakad papasok ng bahay. But she's also being careful about the baby, and that slowed down her pace. Naabutan siya nito bago pa man niya maisara ang pinto.

"Jae, ano na naman ba ang ginawa ko?"

"Leave me alone, Toby. I'm begging you!"

She broke down. It's all too much. Parang ibinato sa kanya lahat in one go. She didn't even fight him when he hugged her. Parang wala na syang lakas para gawin pa iyon. Plus, she likes being hugged by him. But she also hates how much she likes it because she knows that she will be miserable without it... without him.

"Kasalanan ko na naman ba kung bakit ka umiiyak? Sorry ha. Sabi ko pa naman sa 'yo hindi na kita paiiyakin."

Lalo siyang naiyak sa sinabi nito.

"Jae, tahan na please."

She balled her fists against his shirt, catching the soft material in her hands, causing it to crumple.

"T-Toby, let's end this."

She heard him sigh and instead of letting her go, mas lalo pa nitong hinigpitan ang yakap sa kanya.

"That's not gonna happen, Jae."

"Please..."

"Ayoko," mariin nitong sabi.

"Trust me, it's best if we break up."

"No. Trust me. It's best if we don't," he argued. He let go of her and cupped her face. "I love you, okay? There's nothing you can do or say to keep me away from you. Kung may problema ka, sabihin mo sa 'kin. Tutulungan kita. Para saan pa na naging boyfriend mo ako kung hindi ko magagawa 'yon?"

She wanted to laugh at him for being naive and cry at the same time because he's just so sweet and loving.

"I believe there is something I can say that will scare you enough to leave me."

He smiled. "I dare you," he said confidently.

Huminga siya ng malalim. Here comes goodbye...

"I'm pregnant."