"Is it broken? Can't we work it out? I can see in your eyes, you're ready to break. Don't look away." –Broken, Secondhand Serenade

---

Toby woke up, feeling a little uncomfortable. He was all sweaty but still a bit cold. This is why he hates being sick. It's stuffy, hot and cold at the same time. The only upside? Jae was still in his embrace. She was fast asleep pero pawis-pawisan na ito.

Dahan-dahan siyang bumangon para buksan ang electric fan. She stirred. That made him panic. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep while making sure that she's still in his arms.

Maya-maya'y narinig niya itong bumuntong-hininga. He knew that she's already awake. He was proven right when she tried to remove his arm around her.

"Geez, ang init!" she hissed. He opened his eyes and his gaze met hers. "Good, you're awake."

"Please don't leave me," he pleaded.

"Pawis-pawisan na 'ko, Toby. I need to change my clothes."

"You can use my shirt."

She grunted. Idinait nito ang likod ng palad nito sa leeg niya. He wanted to hold her hand, let it stay there, let her stay beside him. He must be going crazy.

"Mukhang okay ka na."

"Hindi pa. May sinat pa 'ko."

"Hindi mo ikamamatay ang sinat."

"Do I really have to be dying to have your sympathy?"

She rolled her eyes. "Stop being so melodramatic."

She tried to get up but he didn't let her. Cupping her face with his hand, he pressed his forehead against hers and sighed.

"I still have a few hours before this day officially ends, Jae."

"You're pushing your luck."

"Alam ko." He looked at her intently. "Look into my eyes. Can't you see the sincerity?"

"I can't see your eyes. Madilim na," she pointed out.

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Because it's not simple, Toby. You can't just break my heart and expect me to be okay with it."

"I asked you to give me enough time, didn't I?"

"If I waited for the three-month deal to end, I'd end up with my heart, not only crushed, but pulverized as well."

"I would have mended it for you."

She shook her head. "You can't. I've been through enough already. I don't think I can go through another heartache."

"Bakit ba iniisip mo palagi na sasaktan kita?"

"Kasi sinaktan mo na 'ko ng maraming beses. I just can't get over that."

That is true. He can't deny that. But that's because he was still fixated to Jazz back then. Now, all he could think about is Jae. He can't possibly hurt her now. Dahil kapag masasaktan ito, alam niyang masasaktan din sya.

That's one of the many wonders of couples. Hurt even the half and you will inflict pain on the whole.

"Jae, lahat naman ng tao, nasasaktan. Akala mo ba hindi ako nasasaktan?"

"Alam kong masakit ang mga suntok ko, Toby. But that's a different kind of pain. It's physical. It can still heal. What you gave me left me a scar that will never fade away."

"I'm not talking about your punches." He took her hand and intertwined their fingers, then he brought their hands to his chest. "Every time you throw my gifts away, it's like you're also throwing my heart away. Alam mo ang masakit doon? It's like you don't even want to take what I'm offering to you. You're not even giving me a chance to try to make it up to you."

"I liked the ice cream cake. And the roses too." There's a hint of smile playing on the corners of her lips. "But I had to throw them away."

"Why?"

"To hurt you."

He sighed. She have every right to hurt him. Siguro nga kulang pa iyon. But what will she get from revenge? Panandaliang tuwa lamang ang makukuha rito. Sure, she'd get even but then what? It will just leave her rotten inside.

"Kulang pa ba?" nag-aalangan niyang tanong.

"Hindi ko alam. I didn't keep track."

"Then, can't we just start over?"

Umiling ito. "That would be unfair to me."

"Jae, what you're doing here is robbing us both of the happiness that we're supposed to be enjoying. I know you wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with you too. So why don't we give it a chance and try again?"

"Paulit-ulit na lang ba tayo?"

"No. This time it will be different."

"How?"

"This time..." He paused for a long time. Huminga muna siya ng malalim bago magpatuloy.

--

Dumbfounded is an understatement. Parang tumakas na lahat ng salitang gusto pa niyang bitawan. Her little witty comebacks suddenly vanished into thin air. She has absolutely no way to retort that. What can she possibly say to make those words backfire on him?

Wala. Wala na talaga siyang masabi.

This time... I love you.

"Jae?"

Her cheeks flushed. She was still confused. But if she will be honest with herself, she will admit that those words were like beautiful music to her ears. How much time did she spend waiting for him to say those magic words? She lost count already.

Sa sobrang tagal, naumay na siya kahihintay. She gave up hoping that he will ever say them. She gave up hoping that he will give up and let go of his first, and probably his greatest, love.

Pero ngayon, natatakot naman siya. Parang masyado pang maaga para sumaya. Maybe her heart needs a little more breaking. She wanted to make sure that the happiness will not expire so soon. If she was hurt more than enough, maybe she could be happy for longer.

"I-I r-really have to go."

He let out a breath of pain. Ramdam niya iyon. It's like his heart tightened for a fraction of time. Her hand felt it. Just then, parang nanikip ang puso nito. His hold on her hand loosened. Bumuntong-hininga itong muli, the same pained breath.

Then, he stared at the ceiling for a very long time.

Parang nawalan siya ng lakas para tumayo at umalis. Kapag umalis siya, pakiramdam niya'y tuluyan na siya nitong susukuan. She didn't want that. She just wanted to break him enough, to make sure that he knows what it feels like so he wouldn't think of breaking her heart again.

She wanted to make sure. But sureness is not love's forte. There's a reason why people call it a leap of faith... falling in love. A pull of gravity. No matter how much you hold on, you will always fall down. And there's no telling if someone's waiting there to catch you or not.

One might have a soft landing. Then again, one can break and shatter into pieces. But either way, they will never be the same person who fell.

So what will it be, Jae?

"Fine. Go."

But instead of going, she stayed.

"D-Do you really... love me?"

"Ano pa'ng gusto mong patunay?"

His voice had a trace of anger in it. And desperation. And hopelessness. It was all too much for her to process in one night. She wanted to clear her head. And she can't clear her head when he's around.

She sat up.

"Para kasing... imposible. Parang hindi ko matanggap."

Bumangon na rin ito.

"Why do you always doubt someone's love for you? Ganyan na ba kababa ang tingin mo sa sarili mo? You think that no one can love you enough?"

Her heart became heavy. The weight became unbearable that she had to lighten it somehow by shedding a few tears.

"Marami na'ng nagsabi sa 'kin na mahal nila ako. And all of them broke my heart. Katulad ng mommy at daddy ko. Sabi nila mahal nila ako pero nasaan sila ngayon? May kanya-kanyang pamilya. They can't even stay with me for a month."

She tried to choke back the tears pero hindi niya mapigilan ang pagtulo ng mga ito.

"I-I know it's wrong to generalize people but can you really blame me for thinking that love and pain are the same thing?"

"They're not the same, Jae." He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder.

"Sometimes, I even think that... nobody would care if I just disappear. Siguro nga mas mabuti na lang na wala ako. Pagod na pagod na 'ko, Toby. Parang kahit ano'ng gawin ko, hindi ako sumasaya."

She knows that's not true. There are short moments when she experiences happiness. Pero hindi niya iyon ma-enjoy kasi iniisip nya kung anong klaseng sakit ang kasunod niyang mararanasan para mabalanse ang lahat. She worries too much abouts the thing that might come after that happiness. Kung paano siya babawian.

Why can't it just last forever?

"Shhh..." He caressed her hair and kissed the top of her head. Pinahid din nito ang mga luha niya but her tears just won't stop falling.

"Being with you makes me so happy. Pero alam mo 'yon, iniisip ko palagi kung hanggang kailan? Maybe now, sure, you're in love with me. Pero paano na lang next month or next year? Feelings can change, Toby. And if yours do, I don't think I will be able to handle it."

"Hey, listen to me..." He cupped her face. "I can't guarantee you that it won't, okay? But that shouldn't scare you. Because your feelings can change too. A month after... maybe a few years, you might find someone else to love. At masasaktan din ako kung sakali. But that won't stop me, Jae. Because I can't worry about the future that might not even happen."

"I know that but—"

"You can't let your worry consume you. Kung masaya ka ngayon, savor it. Kapag nasaktan ka, brush it off. Wala namang permanente sa mundo. Siguro nga lumilipas din ang saya, pero pati naman ang sakit, di ba? But there is such a thing as regret. And if you don't give me a chance, I'm sure that you will regret it. So give me a chance, Jae. Let me make you happy. At kapag lumipas yung saya na 'yon, gagawa ulit tayo ng panibagong bagay na ikasasaya natin. If we can't make happiness stay, then we will chase after it."

She fell silent, digesting his words. He has a point. A lot of points, actually. And he seemed sincere. Toby's not the type of guy who will just say things that win a girl. Alam niya iyon. And his efforts proved that he's being true.

So what now, Jae? tanong niya sa sarili.

"Do you really love me?"

"I do. I am crazy about you." He smiled. She almost melted. "Do you still love me?"

She nodded vigorously. "Sobra."