"Already broken. Already gone. Already know you're moving on. I'm a dead man talking, dead man walking..." –Dead Man Walking, The Script

---

"I want your heart. Be mine, Jae."

It was overwhelming. It felt so surreal. It has to be a dream. He must be saying those things because he was drunk. Maybe he didn't mean them, like most of what he had said in the past.

He was so close. She could smell alcohol on his breath. Mapungay na ang mga mata nito. How many drinks did he have? Kada tingin niya rito kanina ay tumutungga ito. May tendency ang taong malungkot na matulog nang matulog at magpakalunod sa alak. Back at the club, he looked like he was trying to drown himself. He must be very lonely...

But she doesn't care. She shouldn't care. This is the very same guy who crushed her heart several times already. Hindi pa ba sya natuto?

"Toby..."

She tried to push him again but he was already leaning on her.

"I know I don't deserve another chance pero humihingi pa rin ako. I want to be with you, Jae." It sounded like music to her ears. But they're all just drunken lies uttered by a drunk man who didn't know any better.

She shook her head. No. No more.

"I already gave you my heart but you didn't take care of it."

"But I will take care of it now."

"No." She pushed him away. This time, nailayo niya ito sa kanya. "It's too late for that."

He didn't stop her when she headed for the door. Nilingon niya ito. She was unsure if she should leave him like that. He still wasn't moving. Nanatili itong nakatayo at nakatingin sa kanya. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang mas mali: ang pagbigyan ito o ang tuluyan nang lumayo. It looked like she doesn't really have a choice. But no matter how much she wanted to be with him, she also wanted to save herself from being totally ruined, keep the good part of her heart hidden from the hurt the world is threatening to give.

She needs a little salvation and feels like she could have it by walking away. And so she did.

--

How many did he drink last night? He can't remember. Basta nagising na lamang siya kinabukasan na masakit ang ulo niya. There are a few things he remember though. He was holding Jae, practically professing his love to her and in the calmest way possible, she turned him down. Again.

But he didn't feel like giving up. At least not yet.

He went to work just like any other day. He knew that she's watching behind the curtains. He could feel it at the back of his neck. Call it intuition or hope, but he feels it. Getting turned down last night really didn't bring down his spirit. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't go all the way with that other guy.

If someone still cares about the person they said they used to love, they feel guilt whenever they hurt that person, however unintentionally it may be. Jae intended to hurt him and he did get hurt. But before it could get any further, she pulled the blade out and stopped the bleeding.

If JT was right, she still cares. It's only a matter of time before she admits it to him and to herself.

--

His mind wasn't really at work. All he could think about was Jae. She was so close. Within his reach yet he couldn't take a hold of her. It's like trying to kiss his elbow. Kakapatak pa lamang ng alas sais, nakatayo na agad siya at handang umuwi. He bought take outs and a bunch of roses, keeping the thorns intact.

Like always, he put a note on his gift, placed it outside the gate of her house, rang the doorbell and waited outside his apartment. He wanted to see how she would react.

Maya-maya'y lumabas ito ng bahay. Kunot ang noo nito at masinsinang iniiiwas ang tingin sa kanya. She opened the gate and looked at the flowers on the floor.

She picked it up.

--

I meant what I said last night. And I'm not giving up just yet.

She wanted to smile. It took a lot of self-control not to. Tiningnan niya si Toby. Ngumiti naman ito at kumaway sa kanya. Stupid butterflies.

She threw the flowers on the trash can nearby and went back inside. She took another look at him to see his reaction. That totally wiped the smile off of his face.

--

Siguro nga, ma-pride siyang tao. But pride also made her hold on to her reservations. And no matter what gift Toby gave her, they went only to one place. The trash can.

Isinasakto pa ni Jae na nakatingin ito bago niya itapon ang regalo. Sure, his gifts were expensive but she didn't care. After all, hindi naman niya ito pinipilit na magbigay.

Tuwing umaga, may iniiwan itong kung anu-ano sa tapat ng gate ng bahay niya. He would always ring the doorbell and wait outside his apartment until she opens up the gate and take the gifts. Palagi iyong may kasamang note, usually greetings.

Pag-uwi nito sa gabi, may dala pa rin itong pasalubong sa kanya. May mga regalo itong gustong-gusto na niyang tanggapin. That ice cream cake, for example. It was such a waste. Kahit labag sa loob ay itinapon nya rin iyon.

She almost wished that he wouldn't give her gifts that she actually likes, para mas madaling itapon ang mga ito.

Then one day, he didn't ring the doorbell. She waited for an hour. Tuwing alas otso ng umaga kasi ito pumipindot ng doorbell niya. But this time, he didn't.

"Hm, ano, namimiss mo?" tudyo sa kanya ni manang Soling nang sumilip siya sa bintana. She grunted and closed the curtains.

"Hindi a," tanggi niya.

"Sus! Labas sa ilong!"

"Manang, mind your own business."

Nagkibit-balikat lamang ito at saka bumalik sa paglalampaso.

--

Tanghali na ng araw na iyon pero hindi pa rin niya nakikita si Toby. Baka naman umuwi ito sa kanila? She shook her head at the thought. No, that can't happen. Puyat ito dahil sumunod na naman ito sa kanya nang gumala siya.

Umulan pa nga kagabi. Wala siyang dalang payong. He gave her his hoodie last night. Para hindi siya maulanan. He wanted to share the taxi but she closed the door on him.

Right. Baka nagkasakit ito dahil doon. Mahina pa naman ito pagdating sa ulanan. She remembered that day when he stood outside her house under the pouring rain. It was stupid but really sweet of him.

Nang hindi nakatingin si Manang Soling ay lumabas siya ng bahay. She was almost tiptoeing. Inikot niya ang apartment nito. Sa bandang gilid ay nakabukas ang bintana na yari sa jalousie. Kumapit siya sa grills na nakaharang dito at saka sumilip sa loob.

Nakita niyang nakahiga si Toby, balot na balot ng kumot. Walang aircon sa apartment nito at nakapatay ang electric fan. Katanghalian noon kaya dapat ay pawis na pawis ito pero mukhang lamig na lamig ito.

--

"Saan ka na naman nanggaling, bata ka?"

"Sa kapitbahay."

Binigyan siya nito ng makabuluhang tingin. "Doon sa binata?"

She tsk-ed. "May sakit sya, manang."

"O? Ano naman ngayon sa 'yo?"

"Wala! Kaya lang kasi, baka lumala," may pag-aalala niyang sagot.

"Ayaw mo noon? Kapag natuluyan 'yan, e di wala ka nang problema. Hindi ba?"

"Manang naman!"

Bumuntong-hininga ito. "Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko?"

"Tingnan mo man lang sya."

Pinamay-awangan siya nito. "Eloisa, inihabilin ka sa akin ng mommy at daddy mo. Responsibilidad kita. Ikaw lang. Wala sa trabaho ko ang pag-aalaga ng may sakit na kapitbahay."

"Can't you extend your care to him?"

"Aba'y bakit ko gagawin 'yon? Importante ba sya sa 'yo?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. Wala siyang maisagot.

Manang Soling sighed again, this time, more exasperatedly.

"Sya sige, ipagluluto kita ng lugaw para sa merienda mo. Dadamihan ko. Ipamigay mo na lamang sa kapitbahay kung hindi mo ubos."

--

Nang maluto ni Manang Soling ang lugaw ay hinila niya iyo papunta sa apartment ni Toby. Ito ang pinakatok niya. Pagkakatok naman nito ay agad din itong umalis at bumalik sa bahay niya. Naiwan siyang tangan ang isang tupperware na may mainit na lugaw.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto'y bumukas ang pinto. Naka-jacket si Toby at mukhang doble ang suot nitong pants. Tapos ay nakamedyas ito.

"Jae..."

"Naparami yung lugaw na luto ni manang." Nilampasan niya ito at tuloy-tuloy siyang pumasok. Walang masyadong gamit sa loob ng apartment. In fact, there seemed to be almost nothing inside. May isang upuan at folding table lang sa isang gilid. Sa bandang kusina, may isang frying pan na nakapatong sa single burner. May isang kaserola sa gilid nito. Isang plato, isang baso, ilang pakete ng instant coffee.

"Sorry medyo madumi."

She looked down on the floor. Wala namang kalat. Nasaan ang duming sinasabi nito? Microscopic? He was rather tidy. Mas masinop pa nga ito kaysa kanya.

"Uuwi na 'ko."

Bigla nitong iniharang ang sarili sa saradong pintuan.

"Dito ka muna."

"May sakit ka lang, hindi ka pa mamamatay. Sa lamay mo na lang ako mag-i-stay."

Hindi pa rin ito gumalaw.

"Aantayin mo pa bang mamatay ako?" tanong nito.

"Kung malapit na ba, e di sige," sagot niya.

Dumausdos ang likod nito pababa. Mukhang nahihilo ito. She rolled her eyes. This might be a strategy. But he really looked sick. He drew his knees together. Saka ito sumubsob.

"Tabi nga..." Gusto niyang sumigaw pero awang-awa siya sa hitsura nito. She tried to get around him pero wala, harang na harang nito ang natatanging daan niya palabas.

"Jae... nilalamig ako."

"Magkumot ka. Ilang hakbang lang yung kwarto mo o."

Umiling ito. "Hindi ko kayang tumayo."

She rolled her eyes again. Pumasok siya sa kwarto nito at kumuha ng kumot. Pabato niya iyong itinalukbong dito.

"Better?" she asked.

"You're heartless," he grunted.

"I'm not heartless. I just don't want to care too much again."

Pinilit nitong tumayo. He almost feel twice. He must really be feeling dizzy. His eyes were bloodshot red. Puyat at may sakit. Great. This is the perfect recipe to summon her guilt.

Ayaw pa rin niya itong lapitan. It could be a trap. He could be faking it.

But when he was about to fall, her feet had a life of their own. Nakaalalay na siya rito bago pa man ito tuluyang matumba. He was really burning. Parang mainit na pwet ng kaldero ang temperatura ng noo nito. She immediately perspired upon contact.

Umubo ito at yumakap sa kanya.

"Jae..."

Dali-dali niya itong tinulungan pabalik sa kwarto nito. Halos pasalampak niya itong inihiga sa kama at saka tinabunan ng kumot. Paano ba naman ito hindi lalamigin? Sobrang nipis ng kumot nito. To think that it's almost February, ni hindi man lang ito naghanda ng panlamig.

She decided to go back at the house and get some more blankets. Nang makita siya nitong papalabas ng kwarto ay agad itong bumangon.

"Kukuha lang ako ng kumot!"

"Baka hindi ka na bumalik," nakasimangot nitong sabi.

"Babalik ako. Mahiga ka na."

He caught her hand. He was so weak, she could easily break his hold. Yet she didn't.

"Dito ka lang."

Para itong batang ayaw magpahabilin. Ewan ba niya kung bakit tinatamaan siya ng magaling niyang konsensya.

"Fine. But just for today."

He smiled weakly and nodded.

Nakailang pakiusap pa siya para bumitaw ito sa kanya. Kinuha niya ang dalang lugaw na bahagya nang lumamig. She fed him and put him to bed. She wanted to get some medicine from the house but he begged her not to leave.

"You need medicine," she insisted.

"I don't need any. You're already here."

That one got to her. It sneaked inside her defenses. Before she could even stop herself, napangiti na siya. Maliit lang na ngiti iyon. Panandalian lang. She was hoping that he didn't see it.

He reached out his hand. Sighing, she took it. Nahiga siya sa tabi nito at yumakap naman ito sa kanya. She missed the feeling of being enveloped in his arms, safe and secured. She missed the feeling of being this close to him, to hear his heartbeat, to feel his breath on her face.

And just for today, she let herself feel. Tomorrow, she will get back to that same girl who lives across the street and tramples on the heart of this poor guy. Because that's how it's supposed to be.

Because to make the ending perfect, you need to end it at the perfect time. And perfect times don't last forever. They last for a while, a month, a week, a day maybe...

This is the perfect time. And it will end after a while.

That's how it's supposed to be.