TSG 18 - I Can't Make You Love Me
"I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't." –I Can't Make You Love Me, Nina
---
Ni-like ni Jae ang picture kung saan naka-tag si Toby. It's to let him know that she knew what happened. Gusto niyang makunsensya ito. Alam niyang makukunsensya ito. Maya-maya'y nag-message ito sa kanya na gusto nitong makipag-usap. She replied OK and logged off.
Hindi niya alam kung saan o kailan sila mag-uusap, but she didn't care. Gusto niyang umiyak. Gusto niyang magwala. But her tear ducts were dry and she felt so tired.
--
Kinabukasan ay hindi siya sumama sa mommy niya. Nag-aya kasi itong dumalaw sa mga kamag-anak nila sa Pampanga. She took the time alone to meet with Toby. Since she have no phone, sa Facebook na lang siya nakikipag-usap dito.
Toby Ahn Legaspi:
--Bakit palaging out of coverage ang phone mo?
Jazmin Eloisa Clemente:
--Trip ko lang
Toby Ahn Legaspi:
--Okay lang bang pumunta dyan?
Jazmin Eloisa Clemente:
--Sure
Toby Ahn Legaspi:
--Sige. Nandyan na ako ng 1pm. Nag-halfday ako.
Wala siyang naramdamang tuwa nang malaman niyang nag-halfday pa ito para lang makipag-usap sa kanya. Kung tutuusin ay ayaw nya na nga itong makita. If he could just evaporate into thin air, that would be great. But she needs to end it. This has to end, for real.
--
Unang ring pa lamang ng doorbell ay tumayo na kaagad si Jae at binuksan ang pinto. Toby was standing outside with a bunch of beautiful flowers in his hand and an apologetic smile on his face. She opened the gate and let him in.
Pagkasara nito ng pinto ay agad nitong iniabot ang bulaklak sa kanya.
"Jae, tungkol dun sa picture—"
"Pakisabi sa kanya, congrats."
"Galit ka ba?" he asked warily.
She didn't answer. Instead, she walked to the kitchen and shot the bouquet in the trash bin. Saka niya ito nilingon at nginitian. "Did that answer your question?"
Toby sighed. "Can you at least let me explain?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya at naupo. "Sure."
Naupo ito sa tabi niya at nagsimulang magkwento. Siya naman, kinuha ang headset, isinaksak sa tablet at saka nakinig ng music in full volume. Napikon yata ito dahil hiniklat nito ang isang earpiece mula sa tenga niya.
"Akala ko ba hahayaan mo akong mag-explain?" pikon nitong tanong.
"Bakit? Sinabi ko bang makikinig ako?"
"Jae, wala namang gaguhan. Please lang..."
"Wow ha! Kapag ikaw, okay lang pero kapag ako, hindi pwede?!"
"Jae..." Hinawakan nito ang kamay niya. Agad naman niya iyong binawi at saka ito itinulak. Hindi pa siya nakuntento. Sinunggaban niya ito ng suntok.
"That's for breaking a promise you should not have given in the first place!"
She said that she would not cry, not in front of him. Ayaw pa rin niyang tapusin ang deal nila. But this must be it. Baka hanggang dito na lang talaga. She was so angry with him. She wanted to kill him right at that moment. Yet seeing him in pain hurts her at the same time.
Na para bang gusto nya na itong patawarin. After all, he didn't mean to hurt her. And he's willing to pay for the wrongdoings he didn't mean to do. He's just that guy. He tries to make up for his shortcomings.
His face softened when he saw her tears. Hinawakan nito ang tigkabila niyang pisngi at pinahid ang mga luha niya. Pinalis niya ang kamay nito.
"Leave me alone."
"Jae..."
She sniffed. "Give me some time. We'll talk then."
--
Wala nang nagawa si Toby kundi ang umalis. He was hoping that her anger will fade eventually. Hindi kasi ito marunong makinig. Alam naman niyang maling-mali siya. He wasn't able to return her calls or to even reply to her messages. Madaling araw kasi nang tawagan siya ni Gale. Dinala raw sa ospital si Jazz dahil humihilab ang tiyan nito.
Kahit hindi nya anak ang isisilang, sobrang nataranta siya sa nabalitaan. Tanda niyang nagsuot lamang siya ng jeans saka sya sumama sa pamilya ni Jazz na agad ding nagsipunta ng ospital. He left his cellphone at home and he wasn't able to get it.
At that time, isa lamang ang nasa isip niya. Dapat ay nasa tabi siya ni Jazz sa lahat ng oras. Kulang na nga lamang ay sya ang sumama rito sa delivery room. But he couldn't do that. Kent would be angry. Syempre nga naman, ito ang asawa at hindi sya.
Gabi na nang makauwi siya. At nang makita niya ang napakaraming missed calls at messages ni Jae ay saka niya naalalang may usapan nga pala sila.
He tried to call her pero hindi ito sumasagot. Nag-message siya rito pero hindi naman ito nagreply. She was clearly upset with him. He checked her account on Facebook. Nakita niya ang pangalan nito sa notifications. She liked the photo he was tagged in. Doon pa lang, alam na niya kung ano ang iniisip nito.
--
The gang was already planning the twins' christening. Gusto sana ni Jazz na maka-Pasko ang binyag ng mga ito pero masyadong busy ang mga tao sa festivities. May New Year pang kasunod. So they decided na bandang end ng February or early March.
He tried to be as invisible as possible but with the angry mark on his face, he might as well wear neon clothes. Hinalungkat na naman ng mga ito ang relasyon niya with Jae and how they think na hindi na ito healthy para sa kanya.
They even told him to break up with her already. Isang linggo na silang hindi naagkakausap ni Jae. If it's not break up already, he didn't know what is.
He sent her a message asking if she was still angry and if she's now ready to talk. Hindi ito nagreply. Ayaw naman na niyang tumawag. Nakaisang-daang tawag na siya rito pero out of coverage area pa rin ito.
There's only one thing left to do. He needs to make his apology a little more personal. So nagpaalam siya ng maaga sa barkada at saka umalis. Bumili sya ng bulaklak sa daan at saka siya dumiretso sa bahay nito.
Mukhang walang tao sa bahay nito. Tahimik kasi. It was eerily quiet. Pero bukas ang mga ilaw so he assumed that she just wasn't answering. Umakyat na lang siya sa bakod. And then he got the key from its hiding spot, like always.
Nakita niyang nakaupo si Jae sa couch habang nanunuod ng TV na wala namang sound. She was alone in the house. Ang alam niya'y umalis din agad ang mommy nito dahil sa states ito magpapasko. Pinapasunod lang si Jae kung gusto nito.
Tumingin ito sa kanya and for a moment, they were enveloped in silence. Mugtong-mugto ang mga mata nito. She looked like she was crying nonstop for days. Nilapitan nya ito saka iniabot ang bulaklak. Wala pa man siyang sinasabi ay umiyak na naman ito.
He put the flower down and pulled Jae in his arms. Lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak nito. She started pushing him but she was so weak. Nag-aalala siyang baka hindi na rin ito kumakain. Maputlang-maputla ito. Mukhang ilang araw nang hindi naarawan.
"Stop crying please. Nandito na 'ko, Jae."
"A-Ayoko na..."
"Jae..."
She pushed him again, this time with more force. Yukong-yuko ito, pumapatak ang luha sa sahig.
"Parang awa mo na... tama na..."
--
He didn't want to leave her. Pero nang itulak siya nito palabas ng bahay using the very little strength left in her, that's when he accepted that she didn't want him anymore. Gusto niyang parusahan ang sarili. How could he ever hurt someone so badly?
Ni hindi niya matingnan si JT sa mata tuwing magkikita sila. Although JT was the reason why Jae wanted to die back then, he knew that JT never did anything to hurt Jae. It was Jae's decision to break up with him. Kaya sobrang swerte rito ni Femi. JT's the kind of guy that will never hurt someone he loves.
Akala niya ay kagaya siya ni JT. It only took one girl to prove him wrong.
"P're, stop thinking about her. It's not entirely your fault."
He looked at Rico and sighed. "Pero malaki pa rin ang kasalanan ko sa kanya."
Wala pa siyang matinong tulog simula kahapon. Hindi maalis sa isip niya ang mukha ni Jae. Mukhang sinagad niya ang pasensya nito. Two months ago, he was so confident that after three months, magiging okay na okay na sila. He was willing to invest his feelings already.
But that one night changed everything. Old habits die hard. And his old addiction didin't make any room for a new one. In that one night, Jazz was all that mattered. Ganoon na ba sya katanga?
He told them everything: Gale, Rico and Femi. He was so grateful to Femi for not bringing JT along. May napaglabasan siya ng nararamdaman ng gabing iyon. Pakiramdam niya'y sasabog na siya. Jae brought him chaos and now his insides can't calm down.
"Toby, you sound like you're in love with her," Gale commented.
He frowned. "Huh? E di kung in love ako sa kanya, hindi sana kami nagkaganito."
"Agree ako kay Gale, Toby. Maybe you just don't see it pero base sa kwento mo, mukhang in love ka nga."
Gusto niyang matawa. If he wasn't too upset, he might have laughed.
"If she's just a diversion, then you wouldn't have stuck around for almost eleven months with her. She's petty and annoying. Honestly, I don't like her for you. But there's something about her that you wouldn't let go. It wasn't clear before pero ngayon alam ko na kung ano 'yon. You're in love with her, Toby. There's no other explanation for it."
Umiling siya. "I will know if I'm in love, Gale."
Gale's eyebrow arched. "Why? Because being in love with Jazz for such a long time made you an expert?"
"Yes! Tingnan nyo kasi, I've only known Jae for a few months. Si Jazz, kilala ko na mula pagkabata. One call from her and I'd be willing to leave everything behind."
Sabay-sabay na napailing ang mga ito.
"Nalilito ka lang."
"Hindi pa napa-process ng utak mo na may isang taong makakapalit kay Jazz," said Rico. "Sabi mo nga, in love ka kay Jazz since B.C. pa yata. So sa utak mo, ang magmahal ng iba ay imposible."
"But you also said so yourself, you feel something different. You're just not acknowledging it dahil ang utak mo, na kay Jazz pa rin. Even if you're heart's already beating for someone new, it won't take you a snap to recognize it."
"I'm not in love with Jae. I just like her," depensa niya.
"Kung hindi ka naman pala in love sa kanya, e di hayaan mo na lang sya. Move on. How hard can it be? You're not in love, right?"
--
Yeah, how hard can it be? he asked himself. He's not in love with her. He just wants to check if she's okay. He feels responsible and guilty. He likes Jae but the idea of loving her in just a short period of time is impossible.
Pero... kumusta na kaya ito?
Sa tatlong araw niyang pagdaan-daan sa tapat ng bahay nito, ni dulo ng kuko nito ay hindi nya nakita. Wala na rin ang Facebook account nito. Unsearchable. Hindi nya rin ito matawagan. Ni hindi nga niya alam kung buhay pa ito.
Without thinking, he pressed the doorbell really hard. Paulit-ulit niya itong pinindot, umaasang baka sakaling mairita ito at sugurin siya.
Pero imbes na si Jae ang lumabas ng bahay, isang matandang nakasalamin ang lumabas. May curlers ito sa ulo at hawak na walis sa kaliwang kamay.
"Lintik na batang ito! Wala ka bang magawa sa buhay at nambubulabog ka?!"
She actually sounds like Jae. The thought made him chuckle. Sinamaan siya ng tingin ng matanda.
"Sorry po."
Nagpamay-awang ito. "Hijo, mukha ka namang matino, ano? Matino ka naman, hindi ba? Ano ba ang kailangan mo at walang habas mong pinindot iyang doorbell ha?"
Napakamot siya sa batok. Bakit nga ba?
"Nandyan po ba si Jae?"
Kumunot ang noo ng matanda. "Sino?"
"Si Jae po. Nakatira po kasi sya dyan e."
"Hijo, walang Jae rito. Baka maling bahay ang binulabog mo."
"Meron po. Jazmin Eloisa po ang buo nyang pangalan."
Instant recognition ang nakita niya sa matanda. "A, si Loi! Ay naku, nasa America na, hijo! Kakaalis lang kahapon."
"P-Po? Kailan daw po ang balik?"
"Aba'y hindi na raw. Doon na raw sya titira."
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