"Each morning I get up, I die a little. Can barely stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror and cry." --Somebody To Love, Queen

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Some of us don't really know what we are looking for. We just walk and search for something, anything, just to keep our minds away from the things from our past that we need to walk away from, that we need to let go of. And along the way, we stumble on things that pique our interests. We would want to keep them, we would want to stay beside those things. But as time goes by, we would again begin to wonder... did we already find what we're looking for or are they merely passing fancies?

"Date ulit?" Hindi makapaniwala si Jae. Kakapag-date lang nila kahapon at noong isang araw, now he's asking her for another date. He's still at work but he insisted that he will leave early to meet her later. Hindi mawala ang ngiti niya. Hindi niya alam kung alam ba ni Toby kung gaano siya kasaya dahil sa mga ginagawa nito.

He's been doing these little things for her which more than makes up for the things he did to her in the past. Sa pagbabalik-balik pa lamang nito mula sa bahay nito at sa trabaho papunta sa bahay niya, it's more than enough.

She was so glad that he was not around to see her. Mukha siyang tanga. Kanina pa siya nakangiti.

"Oo nga. Ayaw mo?" tanong nito.

"Gusto!" mabilis niyang sagot. "What time ba?"

"Nandyan na 'ko ng seven."

She looked at the clock. Alas singko pa lang. May dalawang oras pa siya. But knowing Toby, he would arrive 30 minutes early just to make her cram. Ayaw kasi nitong sinasanay siyang pinaghihintay ito. Mabagal pa naman siyang kumilos. So he would make her hurry every time.

"Okay, sige."

"Sige."

He hung up. She wasn't expecting for any kind of endearment. No sweet nothings at the end of every call. Sure, they were already a couple and all, but she still doesn't have his heart. And if there's one thing that she would rather have him give willingly that demand from him, it was his love.

And damn his heart for being so committed.

Sighing, she got off the bed and headed to the bathroom. Ang dati'y halos dalawang oras niyang paliligo, ginagawa na nya ngayong 45 minutes. She already chose the clothes she would wear for their dates. Para mas maliit ang pagpipilian.

Pagkatapos niyang maligo, agad siyang nagtuyo ng buhok while simultaneously doing her makeup. She eased herself into a flowery dress, complemented by a pair of dangling earrings, a long necklace and a pair of low-cut, brown boots. Next, she concentrated on makeup and hair.

Kakatapos pa lamang niyang maglagay ng lipstick nang tumunog ang doorbell. Having no intention of making him wait, she hurried downstairs and opened the door.

He was standing outside with a bunch of flowers on his hand.

"Hi," nakangiti nitong bati. "For you."

She reminded herself not to smile too wide as she took the flowers from his hand. The bouquet was consisted of pink peonies, pink roses and a few stalks of baby's breath. She let him in and went to the kitchen to get a vase.

Nang mailagay niya ang mga bulaklak sa vase ay binalikan niya si Toby sa sala. Nanunuod ito ng TV. She sat next to him.

"Where are we going tonight?" she asked.

Before answering, he looked at her intently. "Jae..."

"What?"

"Tanggalin mo nga 'yan." He pointed at her earrings.

Frowning, she did what she's told. "Bakit? Ayaw mo ng earrings ko?"

"Tsaka 'yan." Tumuro naman ito sa mga pilik-mata nya. "Nakakakita ka pa ba kahit may ganyan ka sa mata?"

"Oo naman."

"Naka-contact lenses ka 'no?" tanong nito.

"Ano ba kasing problema mo? Pangit ba 'ko?" nakasimangot niyang tanong. Sometimes, Toby's too honest to a fault. Madalas siyang masaktan dahil sa mga sinasabi nito. But he was just being honest. It's she who can't accept that honesty.

Umiling ito. "Ang sa 'kin lang, hindi mo na kailangan ng kung anu-anong burloloy sa mukha. I want to talk to you without this mask."

"It's not a mask, Toby. It's makeup," she said, as-a-matter-of-fact.

"To you, it's the same thing. Don't hide from me, Jae."

She bit her lip, unsure if she would feel hurt or relived.

"Ayaw mo nang naka-makeup ako?" tanong niya rito.

"Hindi naman. It's just that... I've seen you without it. Mas maganda ka ng simple."

That made her smile. His honesty is refreshing. And when said in a right manner, she'd prefer in over any compliment she's ever received.

"Okay. I'll take it off."

Agad siyang pumunta sa banyo para maghilamos. Nang matanggal ang makeup ay tinitigan niya ang sarili. Her eyes seem smaller without the contact lenses and the eyeshadows and the fake lashes. Her lips seem paler without the lipstick. But if this is what he wants, ano pa ba ang magagawa niya?

Nag-aayos lang naman siya para kay Toby.

Toweling her face dry, she headed upstairs. Naglagay lang siya ng face cream just to keep her skin hydrated. Kaunting polbo saka light na lipstick. She didn't do anything else.

Agad siyang bumalik sa sala pagkatapos.

"See? Isa na lang ang kulang," sabi nito sa kanya.

Kumunot ang noo niya. May nakalimutan ba siyang gawin?

"Ano pa ang kulang?" Pagkatanong ay saka niya naalala. Perfume! Right. Bago pa man sumagot si Toby ay dumukot na siya sa dalang maliit na bag at nag-spray ng pabango. "Ayan, okay na?"

Natawa ito sa ginawa niya. "I wasn't talking about that."

"E ano kasi?"

"Smile, Jae."

"What?"

"Sabi ko ngumiti ka. Mas maganda ka kapag nakangiti ka."

"Sus. Bolero!" But she did smile.

Smiling back, he took her hand. "Let's go."

Dinala siya ni Toby sa isang lugar na puro Asian restaurant. Isang street iyon na punong-puno ng food stalls sa tigkabilang bahagi ng daan.

"Sana sinabi mong dito tayo pupunta. Sayang ang pabango ko," reklamo niya. Nasa bungad pa lamang sila ay amoy barbeque na siya.

"Ayaw mo ba rito? Next week pa kasi ako sasahod. Wala pa akong pera kaya dito lang kita nadala," pag-amin nito.

"Ayos lang naman."

"Buti naman. So, ano'ng gusto mong unahin?"

They ended up trying every food from every stall. Nang makarating sila sa pinakang dulo ng street, halos hindi na sila makahinga sa kabusugan. Maingay at mainit sa lugar at napakaraming tao. May mga parte ng daan kung saan hindi sila magkarinigan dahil may nagpapatugtog ng Korean music pero nag-enjoy naman sila pareho. At hindi pa umabot ng isang libo ang gastos nilang dalawa.

It's almost 9:30 PM. Dahil sa busog na busog sila, naglakad-lakad muna sila sa katabing kalsada. Isang street ng night market ang puno ng mga pagkain. Kaunting lakad mula roon, samu't saring mga paninda naman ang nakalatag sa mga banig sa mismong kalsada. Karamihan ay mga damit at sapatos. Mayroon ding mga mumurahing stuffed toys, body accessories at bags.

"Ang cute!"

Jae lifted a dream catcher necklace from one table. Silver ang kulay ng web ng dream catcher. May gem stone ito sa gitna, kulay purple. Tapos, instead of feathers, may dangling stars ito.

"One hundred fifty lang 'yan, neng."

"Ang mahal," bulong sa kanya ni Toby.

Hindi iyon nakaligtas sa pandinig ng tindera. "Kakabukas pa lang kasi ng night market, hijo. Kung gusto mo ng mas mura, bumalik ka rito mamayang alas kwatro ng umaga. Ibibigay ko 'yan sa 'yo ng singkwenta pesos."

"May pera naman ako," she told him. Dumukot siya sa bag ng 200 peso bill at iniabot iyon sa matanda. "Heto po."

"Mamaya ka na bumili," suway ni Toby sa kanya. "Baka meron pa sa unahan na ganyan tapos mas mura."

Umiling ang tindera sa kanya. "Ako lang ang nagtitinda ng ganyan dito. Anak ko lang kasi ang gumagawa nyan. Pero kung ayaw nyong maniwala, e di maghanap kayo sa ibang tindahan. Pero baka pagbalik ninyo rito, nabili na 'yan."

Jae gave Toby a pleading look. "Baka wala na 'to mamaya."

He sighed. "Gusto mo ba talaga?"

Nang tumango siya ay kumuha ito ng pera sa bulsa. She insisted that she will pay for this one pero nagpumilit din ito na dahil ito ang lalaki, ito dapat ang gagastos. She couldn't find the logic in that. So, para makaganti siya sa ginawa nito, tinanong niya kung may gusto ba itong bilhin.

"Wala."

"Wala? Ayaw mo ng t-shirt? E sapatos? Mura lang dito. I could buy you a pair," she insisted.

"Huwag na."

"Gusto rin kitang bigyan ng kahit ano kaya pumili ka na please."

Dahil sa pagpupumilit ni Jae, napilitan tuloy siyang maghanap ng bagay na gugustuhin niyang bilhin, which is a lot harder than it looks. Hindi kasi tulad ng mga babae na malalaman lang kung ano ang gusto kapag nakita nila ito, silang mga lalaki ay alam na ang gusto bago pa man sila bumili. That is why whenever he enters a store, he already has a list of things that he wants or needs to buy. Kaya kahit sampung minuto lang siya sa isang store, makakabili na siya agad ng kung anumang kailangan niyang bilhin.

So this request from her proved to be difficult to do. Wala naman talaga siyang gustong bilhin. Saka wala na rin siyang pera. So his mind is already set to not buy unnecessary things for himself for this week.

But a certain vendor caught his eye. Nakatingin ito sa kanya mula sa malayo. And her toothless grin, though creepy, seemed oddly comforting.

Agad niyang hinila si Jae papunta sa matanda. Instead of any merchandise, what's laid on the old woman's table are tarot cards.

"Nay, natatandaan nyo pa ba ako?" tanong niya rito.

Ngumiti ito sa kanya pero hindi sumagot. Instead, the old woman turned to Jae, who in turn, hid behind him.

Bumalik ang tingin nito sa kanya.

"Tama ako, ano hijo?"

"Po?"

"May kakaibang paraan ang langit ng pagtupad ng mga pangarap," sabi nito sa kanya. Tiningnan nitong muli si Jae na nakakunot naman ang noo, halatang walang alam sa pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa.

"Ano'ng sinasabi ni lola?" tanong ni Jae sa kanya.

"Ang sinasabi ko, hija, ay tinupad na ng langit ang pangarap niya," sagot nito habang nakaturo sa kanya. Then she looked at him but it seemed like she was still talking to Jae. "Ang kailangan na lamang niyang gawin ay pakawalan ang isa pa niyang pangarap na matagal nang hindi natupad."

Alam niya kung sino ang tinutukoy nito. Alam niya ang dapat niyang gawin. Pero may mga bagay na madali lang sabihin.

Kagaya ng dati ay sumahod sa kanya ang matanda, naghihintay ng bayad. But it was Jae who paid the woman. At saka siya nito hinila palayo sa matanda.

"Hindi mo naman sya kailangang bayaran e," he told her.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng pinag-uusapan nyo kanina but I sensed that you got what you want from it. Tama ako, di ba?"

Tumango siya. She got that one right. He looked back and was expecting not to see the old woman, kagaya ng nangyari dati. But she was still looking back at him, grinning while waiting the 200 peso bill. Napangiti na rin siya.

Somehow, nakampante siya sa ideya na may basbas nito si Jae. Hindi niya maintindihan ang hula nito noon. But when the old woman saw Jae, she gave him a nod of approval. As is saying that he got it right. Now all he had to do is let go of the other dream.

That one dream that consumed his very being.

He has to let go of Jazz.