"Instead of holding you, I was holding out. I should've let you in, but I let you down. You were the first to give, I was the first to ask. Now I'm in second place, to get a second chance." --Second Chance, Faber Drive

---

"Let's break up."

It didn't really sink in at first. Jae likes him. He likes Jae. But somehow liking each other isn't enough. He knew that he was at fault. He knew that it's unfair to her. He doesn't want to hurt her and yet, hurting her seems inevitable.

It's like no matter what he does, he would end up hurting her. And he knew that the only logical thing to do is to let her go and leave. Alam niya ang mangyayari kapag ginawa niya iyon. There would be no one to distract him from Jazz. No one would catch his tears. No one would break his fall. No one would spare him from the hurt.

Jae became his defense. Without her, he's bare. Ito ang tagasalo ng lahat ng ibinabato sa kanya ng mundo. And maybe it's selfish of him to think that he's also protecting Jae from pain by being with him. Maybe it's best to just stop.

But thinking about a day without Jae somehow makes him sad. And maybe it's just selfish of him but he just couldn't let go yet.

"No."

"No?"

"Ayoko."

He held her hand and tightened the grip when she tried to break free from his hold.

"Toby!"

"Jae, no," mariin nyang sabi.

"Ang selfish mo!" naiiyak nitong sabi sa kanya.

He sighed. "Alam ko."

"You can't keep me hanging around just so you could have some spare to go to when she throws you away again!"

"You're not a spare, Jae."

"Oh, please!" She rolled her eyes. "We both know what's true."

"All I ask of you is to give me another chance. I promise I won't make you cry again."

Hindi niya malaman kung matatawa ba ito o babatuhin siya ng plato.

"You won't even last a week without making me cry."

And that hit home. Parang sa tuwing magkasama sila, wala na itong ginawa kundi iyakan sya. And for someone who already cried a lot, it doesn't seem that she will run out of tears very soon. And that makes him think that Jae is a deep person. Hindi lang profound. He knew that if she invested herself into someone, it will take her forever to get over it. Her feelings run deep, parang balon na hinukay sa lupa.

He likes that about her. And that's why he can't just let go. There's potential happiness with Jae and if he would just keep on digging, he will get to that.

"Okay, ganito na lang. Kung masasaktan ka man, saktan mo rin ako. Gawin mo 'kong personal punching bag, if it will make you feel better."

"Ano 'yan, compensation?"

Tumango siya.

Mataman tiningnan ni Jae si Toby, and then her gaze lingered on their hands. There is something about them that is so dysfunctional, so breakable that they wouldn't want to keep, because it will destroy the both of them. And yet, there is something else too, something that ties them with that breakable part, not allowing them to let go completely.

She sighed. Why does she fall so fast? Walang bwelo, talon agad. Tuloy, mas malakas ang impact. Mas masakit. Hindi na sya natuto, palagi na lang.

"Ang tanga ko talaga," pag-amin niya rito. "I wanted to break up with you but I can't even break the simple union of our hands."

Nakita niyang nabuhayan ito ng pag-asa. Tanga nga siguro siya. Alam naman niyang sasaktan na naman siya nito pero sige pa rin siya.

"Jae..."

"Masokista nga yata ako. Maybe I like pain so much that I couldn't live without it."

"Pangako, hindi ka magsisisi."

Gusto niyang matawa sa sinabi nito. Ngayon pa nga lamang ay nagsisisi na sya. Alam niyang wala silang patutunguhan. And he would just break her heart again. He would crush and pulverize it because that's what he does best. And unknowingly too. She can't blame him fully dahil parang hindi nito sinasadyang makasakit.

It's just that, he had been through a lot that the path he walks in gets distorted in pain and everyone who walks beside him, suffers.

And she walks with the littlest distance from him, so she suffers the most. Pero ano naman ang magagawa nya? He wouldn't just let go. And she wouldn't let him let go. Because she gives him reason. She gives him hope. She makes him believe that someday, things will be alright even if she doesn't believe in it, herself.

But how long till they get to that someday part? Kung habang palayo nang palayo ang nalalakad nilang dalawa, mas lalo silang nasaktan.

"I will give you another chance," she told him. "This will be your last chance, Toby. Two months—"

"Six."

She scoffed. "Tingin mo nakikipag-negotiate ako?!"

"Please?"

"No. Two months."

"Four?"

She pulled her hand away. "It's two months or nothing!"

"Three! Please! Huling tawad?"

"No!"

"Jae, last chance na, di ba? Gawin mo nang three months."

"What's the difference? If you still love her by two months, what would change in three?"

"I'll have more time," he said. "Maybe enough time."

Maybe that's what she wanted to hear. Maybe she already fooled herself into thinking that given enough time; he will move on from Jazz and fall in love with her. It's such a nice thought. Being in love is fulfilling enough. What more if you are loved back in return? It must be euphoric.

She wanted that kind of love. She needed that kind of love. And if given enough time, Toby would be able to give her that, won't it be a risk worth taking?

Sighing, she slowly nodded.

"Fine. Three months."

It was evident on his smile that she made him happy for saying that. Niyakap siya nito ng mahigpit. She wished that the embrace would be permanent, that he won't let her go anymore. It felt so right, so warm... but she knew it's just body heat. All those 'warmth-coming-from-the-heart' kinds of bullshit were so not true, not with Toby, not now.

Toby tried to keep his word. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to nurture the feelings he has for her. But how can an alcoholic quit drinking and find a new addiction all in three months? The answer? Maybe he needs to be exposed to another kind of addiction. The good kind, the one that will not destroy him completely, unlike the one he had before.

That, for him, is Jae.

And for the sake of his own salvation, he will try to learn how to love her. And he would start now.

Inayos niya ang buhok na ginugulo ng hangin. He was standing outside the gate of her house. Sa paanan niya ay may tatlong malalaking bags ng groceries na pinamili niya kanina. Hindi natuloy ang pag-gogrocery nila noong isang araw. And he wanted to make it up to her.

So he bought her food. Halos limang lima rin ang nabawas sa pera nya. Umaasa siyang sana ay maaappreciate nito ang effort niya.

He rang the doorbell and waited for her to come out. A few seconds later, she did come out. Naka-t-shirt ito at shorts. Ang buhok ay nakataas. She wasn't wearing any makeup, which was new. Bibihira lamang niya itong makitang ganoon kasimple. Kahit nasa bahay ito, palagi itong nakaayos.

That's one of her ways of putting up a wall around her. Makeup. Iniisip siguro nito na kapag hindi nakikita ng mga tao ang totoo nitong hitsura, then she would be able to hide her true emotions. And now he could see her just the way she is, and he believes that she's beautiful.

Para sa kanya, maganda talaga ang babaeng simple. Iyong maganda pa rin kahit walang masyadong effort sa katawan. Iyong maganda pa rin kahit hindi mag-ayos. Iyong iba kasi, nadadala lang ng makeup o damit. Once they lose all those things, they don't look special at all.

Well, Jae could look good with or without them. But he prefers the simpler version of her.

"Hi!"

She opened the gate. "Ano 'yan?"

"Pagkain."

Her eyebrow arched but she didn't comment any further. Pinapasok lamang siya nito sa loob. Dumiretso sila sa kusina para ayusin ang mga pinamili niya.

"Magkano 'to?" tanong ni Jae sa kanya.

"Bakit mo tinatanong?"

"Babayaran ko."

"Huwag na."

"Pero—"

"Ngayon lang naman 'to. Next time na maggo-grocery tayo, pera mo na ang ipamimili natin."

Jae shrugged. "Okay."

Nang maayos na nila ang mga pinamili niya ay kumuha siya ng karne sa ref para lutuin. But Jae stopped him, saying na wala nang gatong ang kalan.

"Hindi ka na nga nagluluto, naubusan ka pa ng gatong?" takang-tanong niya.

"Mag-iisang taon na rin naman 'yong gasul ko. Saka nagluluto ka naman dito di ba? Di nga lang madalas."

He sighed. "Bumili na lang tayo sa tindahan."

"Huwag na. Umorder na lang tayo."

She picked up her phone and called someone. Contact person daw nito para sa gasul at tubig. After fifteen minutes, dumating ang gasul. Habang kinakabit ng matanda ang gasul sa kalan ay hindi nito naiwasang tanungin kung sino siya.

Ngayon lang daw kasi nito nakitang may ibang tao sa bahay bukod si Jae. Ni hindi pa nga nito nakikita ang mga magulang ng dalaga.

"Toby po," pakilala niya sa sarili. "Boyfriend ni Jae."

Napamaang ang matanda sa kanya, ayaw maniwala.

"Bakit parang gulat na gulat ka dyan, kuya Andoy?" tanong ni Jae dito.

Bahagyang natawa ang matanda. "Wala naman. O ayan, tapos na."

"Magkano ho?" tanong niya rito.

"Ako na," singit ni Jae. Kumuha ito ng 1,500 mula sa wallet nito at saka iniabot sa matanda.

"Wala ka bang dalawang-daan?" tanong ni manong Andoy sa dalaga. "Wala kasi akong panukli."

"Keep the change, kuya."

Ngumiti si manong Andoy sa dalaga. Saka ito tumingin sa kanya. "Kaya paborito kong customer itong si Jazmin e. Palaging hindi nagpapasukli."

"Sige na, kuya."

"Sige. Tutuloy na 'ko. Salamat!"

Nang makaalis ang matanda ay nagpatulong siya kay Jae sa paghihiwa ng gulay.

"Akalain mong may itinatago ka palang bait," tudyo niya rito.

"Hindi naman nakatago ang bait ko. Hindi ko lang madalas ipakita," she replied.

"Dapat ipakita mo ng mas madalas para maiba ang impression sa 'yo ng tao."

"Wala naman akong pakialam sa impression ng ibang tao sa 'kin e. I only care about what people who matter to me think."

"Kasali ba ako roon?" nakangiti niyang tanong.

She made a face. "I was talking about myself."

Pinisil niya ang ilong nito. "Nah, you're good."

"Good enough for you?"

Was she? He couldn't say so he didn't answer. He simply smiled.

Hopefully.