"All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe. Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something. Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again." --Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles

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He reached out to touch her hair. Nakatalikod ito sa kanya, tulog na tulog. Hindi pa rin maayos ang pakiramdam niya but he's alright. Mas maayos kesa kanina. Although, aminado siyang nakagawa na naman siya ng pagkakamali.

Siguro nga ay tama si Jae. Siguro nga ay user sya. He's using her to move on from Jazz. He's passing onto her the burden of someone else's heartache. His.

Something could have happened. Muntikan na. And if it did happen, mas lalo lamang itong mahihirapan sa kanya. Earlier, he kissed her. And that kiss led to another hanggang sa makarating sila sa kwarto nito. Kahit anong tanggi nito, alam niyang tatanggapin nito lahat. That's Jae.

She will deny everything but will accept them as well.

And something could have happened. But it didn't. Because when he looked at her, all he could see is Jazz. And he became so conflicted. He felt love and anger, resentment, excitement, joy, sadness... everything just turned into a one big mesh. He knew he had to stop. He had to stop before he could hurt Jae any further.

"Why did you stop?" tanong nito sa kanya kanina. Mugto pa rin ang mata nito but thankfully, she stopped crying already. Her hands were on his chest, ready to push him away, which she didn't.

"Sorry, Jae," came his reply.

Kita niya kung paano ito naging malungkot ulit. She was sad not because something did not happen. She was sad because she felt rejected again.

"Why do you keep on rejecting me, Toby?"

"Jae..." He felt so helpless. Nagsimula na naman itong umiyak. Hindi ba ito napapagod sa kaiiyak? "Tama na o. Tahan na..."

Pinahid niya ang mga luha nito. Pinalis naman nito ang kamay nya saka ito tumalikod.

"Jae..."

"I-I know you feel guilty. Tatalikod na lang ako para hindi mo ako makitang umiiyak."

Niyakap niya ito, hoping that somehow, his hug would give her comfort. He hopes that it could somehow console her.

"Sorry kung palagi kitang pinapaiyak."

"Okay lang. Mauubos din ang luha ko."

He kissed the top of her head. "Don't say that."

Suminghot-singhot ito. "Pero bakit nga?"

"Bakit?"

"May ginawa na naman ba akong ikna-turn off mo?"

He sighed. "Wala. Siguro hindi pa lang right time."

"You're already using me anyway. Sana nilubos mo na."

"I'm not using you."

"Kahit anong tanggi mo, Toby, we both know what's true. And maybe you don't see things the way I do but that doesn't make me wrong."

"It doesn't make you right, either."

She fell silent after that. Tanging pagsinghot na lang nito ang narinig niya. And then moments later, napansin niyang tulog na ito.

It was still raining outside and he was rather drowsy, so natulog na rin sya. He couldn't leave anyway.

Jae could feel him moving behind her. She remained still, kunwari ay tulog pa rin sya. In a way, she was kind of thankful that he stopped. Alam niyang pagsisisihan lamang nilang dalawa kung may mangyari man sa kanila.

Toby is her ideal guy. And he has the potential to be a perfect boyfriend. He has it all. Ang problema? Iba ang gusto nito. If he could only love her, then she'll be happy. And she was willing to give herself to him. Maybe that's her problem. She was so willing.

Did she appear too eager? Kaya ba hindi ito tumuloy kanina?

Or maybe he simply couldn't do it because he doesn't love her.

Naramdaman niya itong yumakap muli sa kanya. His warmth radiated to her. Kasalanan niya kung bakit ito nagkasakit. She knew that he waited for almost an hour outside her house, under the pouring rain. She told herself that he deserved it. He should have seen this coming. Matapos siya nitong itulak, all she felt was anger towards him.

Ilang minuto rin siyang nakasandal sa pintuan kanina. Naririnig niya itong umubo. At kahit gaano pa man kalaki ang galit na nararamdaman niya rito sa mga oras na 'yon, guilt seeped in.

Because deep down inside, she cares for him. She cares a lot. Enough to make her want to do everything just to make him forget about Jazz. Kahit maging panakip-butas lang, kahit hindi okay sa kanya, she was willing to do it.

Pero masakit pala. Sobra.

Masakit pala kapag nabibigyan ka lang ng pansin dahil ikaw na lang ang natitira. Ikaw ang last option. She spent her entire life being the last option.

Her parents didn't want her so they separated and remarried and had other kids. Naghanap sila ng iba dahil hindi sila makuntento sa kanya. When JT came into her life, she did her best to make him go away and when he didn't, she realized that he was worth keeping.

So she kept him close, bared her heart out to him. But something went wrong and she had to let him go. Pero nang naayos na ang lahat at ginusto na niyang bumalik sila sa dati, nakahanap na ito ng iba. Sobra niyang pinagsisihan kung bakit pinakawalan pa niya ito. Pero kung hindi niya pinakawalan si JT, baka hindi rin niya nakilala si Toby.

Sabi ng iba, mas madali raw maka-move on kapag mayroon kang pagsasalinan ng feelings mo. Transferrable naman ang feelings e. Not most of the time, of course, but there are instances. And in her case, she was able to move on from JT because of Toby.

Maybe it's the way that he makes her feel cared for. Maybe it's because he didn't easily give up on her like the others did.

Pero parang siya naman ang gustong sumuko.

She closed her eyes and turned around. She buried her face on his neck. Gustong-gustong-gusto niya si Toby. Siguro makalipas ang ilan pang araw o linggo, baka malampasan nito ang dati niyang pagkagusto kay JT. Maybe he's the guy she would dream of spending forever with.

She wanted to keep him close. Gusto niyang kalimutan na nito si Jazz. Yet there's a part of her that wants to push him away, just to see if he will break easily.

Hanggang kailan kaya ito magtitiis sa kanya?

"Jae? Gising ka na?" tanong ni Toby sa dalaga. Bigla na lang itong humarap at yumakap sa kanya kanina.

Tumango ito.

"Hindi ka ba nagugutom?"

She shook her head.

"Ikaw?" tanong nito.

"Inaantok lang ako," sagot niya. He still feels sluggish. Antok na antok siya. Parang sobrang bigat ng ulo niya, pati talukap ng mga mata niya ay ayaw pang bumukas.

Kinabukasan, mataas na ang araw nang magising sila. Nawala na ang sinat niya. He was able to go to the kitchen without passing out. Naghanap siya ng pwedeng kainin pero dahil hindi sila nakapag-grocery, wala siyang nakita sa kusina.

Maya-maya ay bumangon na rin si Jae. Bigla itong sumulpot sa kusina habang hinahalungkat niya ang cupboards nito.

"Wala kang makikitang pagkain dyan," sabi nito sa kanya.

"Alam ko. Naghahanap ako ng daga."

Kumunot ang noo nito. "Bakit?"

"Para kainin."

"Kadiri ka!"

Natawa sya. "Biro lang."

Lumapit ito sa kanya at dinama siya sa bandang leeg. "Okay ka na?"

Tumango siya. "Pero nagugutom ako."

"May karinderya a few blocks away from here. Kung gusto mo, bumili ka ng pagkain dun."

"Okay, sige."

Kinuha niya ang kakatuyo lang na mga damit na nakasampay sa banyo nito at saka nagbihis. He went to the eatery like she instructed. Tapos ay bumili siya ng tatlong kanin at dalawang ulam. Pagbalik niya, naabutan niya si Jae na nakatingin sa bintana. She was just looking outside. She didn't even turn around when he arrived.

"Ano'ng tinitingnan mo dyan?" tanong niya rito.

Lumingon ito sa kanya. "Wala."

"E bakit nandyan ka? Halika na, kumain na tayo," aya niya.

Tumango ito at sumunod sa kanya sa kusina. He set the table while she was already sitting down and waiting for the food. Gusto niyang mailing dito. Her parents compensated with their lack of time for her by spoiling her with things. Tuloy, nasanay ito na walang ginagawa.

"Bakit hindi ka kumuha ng katulong?" tanong niya rito.

"Ayokong may ibang kasama sa bahay. I had a maid once. Ninakawan lang nya ako."

Nilagyan niya ng kanin ang plato nito at saka sya naupo para kumain.

"A, ganun ba."

"Oo."

The meal was quiet. Sasagot lamang ito kapag tinatanong niya. Then she would just cut the conversation off. Mukhang wala itong ganang makipag-usap sa kanya.

"Galit ka pa sa 'kin?" tanong niya pagkatapos nilang kumain.

"Hindi ko sure," sagot nito.

"Sorry."

"Tigilan mo na nga 'yang kaso-sorry mo. You'll just hurt me again so it's useless."

He pressed his lips together. Obviously, she's still angry.

"Alangan namang hindi ako mag-sorry e may kasalanan ako."

"Kung humingi ka na ng tawad, dapat hindi mo na inuulit ang kasalanan mo. Saying sorry doesn't wipe your slate clean so you could do something wrong again. It's not supposed to be like that."

Hindi na siya nakipagtalo pa. Knowing Jae, she would just push it until he admits that she's right, like most of the girls do.

"About what I said last night, seryoso ako dun," sabi nito.

"Saan?" he frowned. Sa dami ng sinabi nito sa kanya kahapon, hindi na niya maalala kung ano ang tinutukoy nito. Plus, his memory of yesterday was a bit hazy because he wasn't feeling well.

"Let's break up."