"In the heat of the fight I walked away, ignoring words that you were saying. Trying to make me stay, I said, "This time I've had enough." And you've called a hundred times but I'm not picking up." --The Other Side of the Door, Taylor Swift

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He needed space. She didn't need another rejection. Maybe it's the wrong time or the wrong place and though he didn't mean to hurt her, he did hurt her. And as though the sky could empathize, it drizzled. The sun got obscured by gray clouds, hovering above, as if threatening to take the light away.

And the drizzle quickly turned into rain. And the rain quickly became heavy.

"Jae, sandali!"

Mas bumibilis bang maglakad ang taong nasasaktan? Lakad-takbo na siya pero hindi pa rin niya ito maabutan. Agad itong nakaakyat ng bus na hinabol nito bago makalampas sa loading area. He wasn't as lucky. So he had to wait for the next bus.

Parang ilang oras silang naghabulan sa ulanan pagkatapos noon. Nag-aalala na siya rito. Baka magkasakit ito, which would be his fault again. He wished he wasn't such a jerk. Well, he wasn't being a jerk. It's just reflex. But blaming it on his reflexes will definitely make him a bigger jerk.

"Jae!"

She opened the gate in a hurry. Pabalabag nito iyong isinara na sumakto naman sa kanya dahil halos kasunod lang siya nito. He almost fell as it hit him. Tuluyan na niya itong hindi nahabol. She slammed the front door shut, leaving him drenched outside her house.

Kung hindi siya aalis, pamihadong magkakasakit lang siya sa kahihintay ritong pagbuksan siya ng pinto. But he feels like if he leaves now, she will never, ever forgive him.

Ilang beses siyang kumatok sa pintuan nito. Ilang beses niyang tinawag ang pangalan nito. Pero nagbingi-bingihan ito sa kanya. Thinking back at what had happened earlier, he was finally able to understand why she did that.

It was not out of whim. It was not a public display of affection. It was done because she wanted to divert his attention. She wanted to tear his gaze off from the scene that's obviously killing him. But what did he do in return? He pushed her away. And to her, it was like rejection. The painful kind.

"Jae!" tawag niyang muli. He rubbed his palms together. Nagsisimula nang manuot ang lamig ng ulan. Magkakasakit talaga yata siya.

Mahina pa naman siya sa ulan, lalo na yung ganitong biglaan. If he knew it would rain today, he'd definitely wore something thicker. Hindi pa rin binubuksan ni Jae ang pintuan. Halos labinlimang-minuto na siyang nakasandal sa pintuan nito. Para na siyang basang sisiw.

"J-Jae, s-sorry," nangangatal niyang sabi. "J-Jae..."

Nilalamig na ang buong kalamnan niya. Nagsisimula na rin siyang ubuhin. Ilang minuto pang pagkababad sa ulan at talagang magkakasakit na siya.

He knew that she was hurt. That's very evident. Pero hindi naman niya sinasadya. Ngayon, halatang gumaganti ito dahil mag-iisang oras na siyang nakatayo sa ulanan sa labas ng bahay nito pero nananatili pa rin ito sa loob.

Hindi naman siya makaalis. It's probably because of guilt or because he feels responsible or because he's starting to feel ill already, but he couldn't move his feet.

He let his back slide against the door as he sat down. Hindi na niya kayang tumayo. Parang lahat ng bigat na dala ng langit ay napunta sa kanya. Now, he's literally heavy with heaven's tears.

And just as he was about to pass out, the door miraculously opened.

Jae helped him up. Tuyo na ito. Gusto niyang matawa. Why did he ever think that she's just in her room, crying her eyes out because of what had happened earlier? Baka nga dumiretso na ito sa banyo pagkadating ng bahay at naligo. Baka nga nagawa pa nitong magtimpla ng hot chocolate para mabawasan ang lamig nito sa katawan.

She was obviously used to being alone. And aside from that meaning that she's used to not being taken care of by anyone, she was also used to not taking care of anyone. Maybe she didn't care about him as much as she says she does.

Pinaupo sya nito sa may puno ng hagdan dahil mababasa ang couch nito kapag doon sya naupo. She then went upstairs to get something. Nang bumaba ito ay may dala na itong towel at isang makapal na blanket.

Pabato nito iyong ibinigay sa kanya saka ito tumuro sa banyo.

He feebly stood up and headed there. Tinanggal niya ang basang damit at ibinalot ang kumot sa katawan. Maya-maya ay kumatok ito sa pintuan ng banyo at inabutan siya ng isang pares ng pajama.

"Sa papa ko 'yan. Isuot mo muna," she curtly said.

Balot na balot siya ng kumot na humiga sa couch. She was making something in the kitchen, hindi niya alam kung ano. Baka lason para matuluyan na siya.

Kakapikit pa lamang niya nang marinig niya ang padabog nitong mga yabag galing sa kusina. He opened his eyes and sat up. May inilapag itong isang bowl na hindi niya maintindihan kung ano. Mukha itong mainit na tubig pero parang may langis sa ibabaw.

"Ano 'yan?" kunot-noo niyang tanong dito.

"Sabaw."

"Sabaw?"

Tiningnan niyang muli ang laman ng bowl. Mas mukha talaga itong tubig na may langis sa ibabaw. But she made an effort to make it for him, the least he could do is take a few sips.

Kinuha niya ang kutsara at kumuha ng kaunting sabaw.

Napaubo siya ng malakas nang matikman niya iyon. Isang pakete yata ng asin ang inilagay nito sa sabaw. O baka naman kinuha nito ang tubig sa dagat? Parang mas lalong sumama ang pakiramdam niya dahil doon. Parang lalasunin nga yata sya ni Jae. O baka mas palalalain nito ang pakiramdam niya dahil sa sama ng lasa ng inihanda nitong sabaw.

He shook his head vigorously. "Ayoko na," he said to her, grimacing.

"Di 'wag!"

"Jae..."

"Ikaw na nga 'tong inaalagaan, nag-iinarte ka pa!"

Kinuha nito ang bowl at ibinalik sa kitchen. Isinalo yata nito ang bowl sa sink, mukhang nabasag sa lakas ng impact.

Napabuntong-hininga na lamang siya. How will he make everything okay if she's so touchy? Parang lahat na lang ng sabihin o gawin niya, nahahanapan nito ng masama.

Tumayo siya at sinundan ito sa kusina. And the sight of her made with more ill. Tingin niya ay sinubukan nitong pulutin ang nabasag na bowl, and in doing so, she cut herself. Nakaupo ito sa ilalim ng mesa, yakap-yakap ang sarili. She was crying again, but not loudly this time. Baka dahil sa malakas na ulan o ayaw lang nitong iparinig sa kanya na umiiyak ito.

"Jae..."

He squatted in front of her, blanket and all. Sumubsob naman ito.

"Jae, sorry na..." Hinawakan niya ito sa balikat. She shoved him. "Aray..."

"Umuwi ka na!" pagtataboy nito sa kanya.

"Basa pa yung damit ko."

"E di dalhin mo 'yan!"

"Jae, magmumukha akong tanga sa bus."

"Pakialam ko?!"

He sighed. Maya't maya niyang ipinapaalala sa sarili na kasalanan naman niya kung bakit galit na galit ito.

Naupo siya sa sahig at hinigpitan ang pagkakapulupot ng kumot sa kanya. Mapula na ang mata nito kaiiyak. He felt guilty for making her cry again. Parang hindi na nga yata ito nakakangiti ng dahil sa kanya.

"Papahingahin mo man lang ako. Kapag medyo maayos na ang pakiramdam ko, aalis din ako agad."

Sinamaan siya nito ng tingin. "User. Tss."

Medyo tinamaan siya. User. Buong-buhay nya, hindi siya nanggamit ng sinoman para sa sariling interes. He really likes Jae. But the problem was, she's not the only one he likes. And maybe she's right. If Jazz could love him back, wala na siguro siyang makikitang ibang babae kundi ito.

Kung ganun ang sitwasyon, baka hindi na nila kailangan pang magkakilala ni Jae.

"Hindi ako user."

"Yeah, right," she scoffed.

Kinuha niya ang kamay nitong may sugat. "Gamutin natin."

"Bakit pa?"

"Hindi ka ba nasasaktan?"

"Nasasaktan, natural." She pulled her hand away. "Sa sobrang dalas nga, pakiramdam ko namamanhid na 'ko."

"Jae..."

"Aantayin ko na lang na mamanhid ako. When I'm numb enough, you can hurt me all you want and I wouldn't feel it."

"Kapag namanhid ka, kahit yung magagandang emosyon, hindi mo na rin mararamdaman."

"I don't care. I don't need them anyway."

"Ayaw mo bang maging masaya?" tanong niya rito.

She shook her head but he knew she's lying. Sino ba namang tao ang ayaw sumaya?

"Happiness is temporary."

"Kaya nga espesyal sya, di ba? Kasi hindi sa lahat ng oras, masaya ka," paliwanag niya rito. "Jae, sorry. Alam ko naman kung bakit ginawa mo 'yon. Nagulat lang ako kaya kita naitulak."

"Okay lang."

"Okay lang?"

Nag-iwas ito ng tingin. "Hindi ko naman sya kayang palitan e. Kahit anong pilit ko, iri-reject mo lang ako."

"Jae..."

"Tigilan na lang kaya natin 'to? Tutal naman, parang wala tayong patutunguhan e."

"Hindi naman sa wala."

"Ayoko na, Toby."

Natigilan siya sa sinabi nito.

"A-Ayaw mo na?"

"Maling-mali kasi. Sabi ko sa 'yo, huwag mo akong gawing panakip-butas."

"Gusto naman kita, di ba?"

"That's not enough."

"Jae..."

Tumayo ito. "Umuwi ka na lang kapag ayos na ang pakiramdam mo."

Tumayo na rin siya at sinundan ito. "Jae, teka!"

She stopped walking and turned around. "Put your clothes on the dryer. Sorry walang pagkain dito. Wala ring gamot. Itulog mo na lang 'yan."

"Seryoso ka ba?"

Mukhang wala itong gana. Parang tinakasan ito ng buhay. Her hand is still bleeding.

"Yes."

"Yung kamay mo..."

"Bubuhusan ko na lang ng alcohol."

"Jae... please..."

Napabuntong-hininga ito.

"What more do you want from me? Sinubukan na natin, di ba?"

"Gusto kong subukan ulit."

Lumapit siya rito. He cupped her face and the blanket slid off his shoulders.

"Ano na naman ang gagawin mo?"

"Hahalikan kita."

Bumalik ang kulay sa mukha nito. Her cheeks flushed. Nasa tigkabilang gilid nito ang mga kamay na nakakuyom pareho.

"Ayoko," pagtanggi nito.

But those are just words. Because she didn't move. Because she waited. Because she let him kiss her. Because she responded.

This is far from being numb, Jae.