"I love her half to death, but she's killing me." --She's Killing Me, A Rocket To The Moon

---

"Ano 'yang nasa mukha mo?" He pretended to not feel anything when she touched him. Masakit ang pasa sa mukha nya pero mas masakit ang haplos ng babaeng kahit kailan ay hindi na magiging kanya.

Jasmine's face was etched with worry. She was touching his chin with her fingers, tilting his head gently to the left, as she examines the bruise on his face.

"Oo nga. Parang linggo-linggo na yatang may bangas 'yang mukha mo. Sino na naman ba ang nakaaway mo?" kunot-noong tanong ni Rico.

"For sure, gawa na naman ng girlfriend nya 'yan," kumento ni Gale.

He rolled his eyes as his friends tried to come up with conclusions as to what had happened to him. But he already knew what they were thinking.

"Grabe talaga 'yang girlfriend mo. Ang sama ng ugali!" Gale lamented.

"Magkaugali lang kayo, Gale," sagot niya.

"Excuse me!" Umirap ito sa kanya.

"Ang tibay mo, Toby. Nakakatagal ka ng ganyan?" concerned na tanong sa kanya ni Femi.

"Mahal kasi nya," sabat ni JT, boyfriend ni Femi. Umakbay ito sa kaibigan niya at saka humalik sa pisngi. Femi blushed instantly. Hindi niya napigilang mapangiti.

It's been a while before Femi was finally able to move on from Rico. Nadala ito sa santong tiyagaan ni JT and now, she seemed so happy. Minsan ay naiinggit siya rito. Halos pareho lamang sila ng sitwasyon dati. Silang lima.

They used to chase the wrong tails.

Jazz and Femi loved Rico. Rico loved Gale. Gale loved him. And he loved—and maybe still—loves his best friend, Jazz.

Things changed through time. Gale and Rico are together now. Femi has JT. He has his girlfriend and Jazz was already married to Kent, Gale's brother. Up to the very last minute, he fought for his feelings. He refused to let go. But somehow, seeing her walk down the aisle, all smiles, changed all that. She couldn't take her eyes off of Kent and he knew at that moment that he had to let her go. So he stepped aside and let the groom take his bride to the altar.  

"Toby, isa na lang talaga, susugurin ko na 'yang girlfriend mo," banta ni Jazz.

Nginitian niya ito at kinuha ang kamay nito saka niya idinait sa pisngi niyang may pasa. "Wala lang 'to, best friend. Sanay na 'ko."

They heard someone clear his throat quite loudly. Agad niyang binitiwan ang kamay ng kaibigan. Lumayo naman ito sa kanya nang lumabas si Kent mula sa kusina. Lumapit dito si Jazz at kinuha ang isa sa mga kambal na kalong-kalong nito.

That could not have been his kid because he knew that even if Jazz and Kent didn't end up together, he would still have no chance with her. Because she doesn't love him like he loves her. But his girlfriend does.

"Ano na naman kasi ang ginawa mo at nasuntok ka ng amazona mong girlfriend?" tanong ni Femi. Nakita niyang sinamaan ito ng tanong ni JT. 

Femi felt threatened by her kaya ito naiinis. Baka nga naman kasi maisipan nitong agawin si JT kay Femi. But he won't let that happen.

Because he likes her.

What he feels for her is not as deep and intense as when it comes to Jazz but he feels something, alright. At para na rin sa ikatitino niya, pinanghawakan niya iyon, gaano man kaliit at kababaw. Gusto niya ito. Medyo kaugali ito ni Gale. Mataray at magaan ang kamay. Maarte pa. But he somehow enjoys being punched in the face.

Hindi niya alam kung sadya lang talaga siyang masokista. Siguro nga ay nasanay na siya dahil simula pa naman ay tanggap lang sya ng tanggap ng sakit.

"May tinanong kasi sya na hindi ko nasagot ng tama," sagot niya sa kaibigan.

"Alin? Huwag mong sabihing yung dati pa rin?" tanong naman ni Rico.

Tumango siya.

"Grabe p're! Gaano ba kahirap 'yang tanong na 'yan at hindi mo masagot-sagot ng tama?"

Ngumiti siya sa mga ito. "Sobrang hirap e."

Tumayo siya at nagpunta sa kusina para kumuha ng maiinom.

"Alam ko kung ano ang tinanong nya sa 'yo."

Inilapat niya ang pitsel at baso sa tabi ng kitchen sink at hinarap si Femi na sumunod pala sa kanya.

"Talaga?"

Tumango ito.

"Maraming beses na rin akong tinanong ni Jenny nyan."

"O?"

"Totoo. At alam kong isa lang ang sagot mo kaya ka nasusuntok ng madalas."

"Sige nga. Ano 'yon?" he challenged.

"She asked if you still love Jazz. And you answered yes. You always answer yes." Nakatingin ito sa kanya ng mataman and in her eyes, he saw pity and worry. He gets it. Femi had been there. Alam nito ang pakiramdam ng umasa kahit pa walang-wala na talaga. At alam din nito kung gaano kahirap ang iukol sa iba ang nararamdaman nito kahit pa ipinagpipilitan ng lahat na iyon ang tama.

Ano ba naman kasi ang magagawa niya kung hindi niya kaya? Kahit pa ilang beses siyang sabihan ng 'tanga' o 'martyr', hindi niya maaalis sa sarili ang patuloy na umasa. Sabi nga nila, habang may buhay daw, may pag-asa. Pero paano naman kung 'yong pag-asa na 'yon ang mismong pumapatay sa 'yo?

He knew it was nobody's fault that Jazz loves someone else. He knew, first hand, that the heart cannot be taught. Kaya nga utak ang nag-iisip e. Dahil ito lamang ang may kakayanang gawin iyon.

So why can't he put his mind over the matters of his heart? Simple lang. Dahil ayaw niya. Because loving Jazz became the purpose of his life and when she was swept off of her feet by another man, he felt like he lost his only purpose in life.

It left him empty. Na parang palaging may kulang.

Umiling siya. "Mali ka," sabi niya kay Femi.

Kumunot ang noo nito. "Mali talaga ako o ayaw mo lang amining tama ako?" paninigurado nito.

"Mali ka talaga."

"E ano pala 'yong tanong nya?"

Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. That question feels like a serrated knife cutting through his heart. Ganoon na lang palagi. Masakit yung tanong dahil alam niyang masakit yung sagot. The question didn't matter, actually. It was the answer that matters a lot.

"Tinanong nya kung kaya ko na bang pakawalan si Jazz," sagot niya rito.

"At? Ano'ng sinagot mo?"

"Hindi pa."

He knew it's unfair to her. Palagi siyang tinatanong nito. At palaging iyon ang sagot nya. He deserved all the punches she gave him. He feels like he deserves more. It takes a lot from her to stay in spite all that. Alam nitong gusto na siya nitong sukuan but she somehow finds the strength to hold on.

Umuna na siyang umuwi. Naiwan ang mga kaibigan niya dahil nagpaplano pa ang mga ito para sa nalalapit na binyag ng kambal. He wanted to pitch in and give his own ideas but he knew he had to be somewhere.

Dalawang araw na mula nang mag-away sila ng girlfriend niya. Hindi pa rin ito nagpaparamdam hanggang ngayon.

To: Amazona

Galit ka pa?

He sent the text message before driving. Pero malapit na siya sa bahay ay hindi pa rin ito sumasagot. Iritado niyang iniliko ang sasakyan. Instead of going home, he went to the flower shop a few blocks away from her house.

Bumili siya ng isang pumpon ng rosas saka siya nagpatuloy papunta sa bahay nito.

She was living alone. Her parents are in the states, separated. Wala itong kapatid kaya may pagka-clingy ito minsan. He introduced her once to his friends but they didn't really like her. Kaya kapag may lakad silang magkakaibigan ay ito na mismo ang hindi sumasama. Tahasan pa naman ang mga kaibigan niya sa pagpaparamdam na ayaw nila rito. Lalo na si Gale.

He parked the car in front of her house and rang the doorbell. Bukas ang mga ilaw sa loob ng bahay kaya alam niyang nasa loob ito. But she didn't come out.

Desperado na, inakyat niya ang hindi kataasang bakod. Saka siya tumuloy sa front door at kumatok. He knew that she would peak through the peep hole first.

Sinadya niyang iharap ang kaliwang pisngi para ipakita rito ang pasa sa mukha niya. He knew that would make her feel guilty. Dahil sa kabila ng pananakit na ginagawa nito sa kanya, alam niyang mahal siya nito.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay naisipan na rin nitong buksan ang pinto.

Nakasuot ito ng mahabang sweater na umaabot sa hita nito. Her hair was tied up with a handkerchief. Nakasimangot ito sa kanya.

Ibinigay niya rito ang bulaklak. Nag-aalangan nito iyong kumuha saka ito tumingin sa kanya. He smiled widely pero wala lang itong reaksyon.

"Pwedeng pumasok?" tanong niya.

She turned around and walked to the couch. Sumunod siya. If she didn't slam the door on his face, then he's free to come inside the house. Sinarado niya ang pintuan at sumunod dito.

She sat on the couch. Naupo siya sa tabi nito. At walang sabi-sabi itong umiyak. Napabuntong-hininga na lang siya. This is not new to him.

She would ask him that question. He would give her his answer. They would fight. Then he would go see his friends. Makukunsensya sya. Bibili ng bulaklak. Susuyuin ito. At saka ito iiyak.

Sa ilang buwan na ganito ang drama nila, hindi niya maiwasang humiling na sana ay may mabago. Pero kung gusto niyang may mabago, he knew that it was not the question that needs changing. It was his answer.

"Tahan na..."

Yumakap ito sa kanya at lalong humagulhol.

Alam niyang ayaw dito ng mga kaibigan niya. Ayaw dito ng pamilya niya. Kahit ang tatay ni Jasmine ay ayaw dito. Maging sya man, ayaw niya rito dati.

But what changed?

To be able to understand the how, why and when, he had to go back a few months. To be able to understand how he ended up being loved, he needs first to remember the hurt. Back to when he was still after only one girl... his best friend.