"I didn't want any of what happened... not being trapped, not being forced to fight... not being taken away from my family... I just wanted to have fun..."

Suguha listened to him begin in silence, not interrupting just yet.

"When I started the game... I was a solo player... and that's what I intended to be when I thought it was just a normal game."

That makes sense, she thought a bit knowingly. Kazuto has never been great at making friends.

"But when I found out it was a death game, I really became something worse. I left the beginning town immediately to become stronger... even abandoning a friend I made who wanted to stay with his friends from IRL..."

His eyes told her that he was regretting that choice.

"For a while, I was just leveling up, using the info I gained in the beta to find good places to train and get strong weapons... and someone betrayed me to get his hands on a sword..."

"What?!" she exclaimed. "They must've known that death in-game meant death in real life!" she recalled the reports of players dying a few days after the beginning of the incident.

"I can actually understand why he did it... but he paid for it with his life."

Her eyes widened. For a moment she believed that Kazuto killed him to protect himself.

"He was caught in the trap he laid out for me." Relief immediately overcame her, glad to know that her brother wasn't that kind of person. "And I was able to fight my way out of it." He paused to collect himself before continuing.

"It was at the 1st floor's boss where things somehow got worse..."

"While we were fighting the boss, the leader of the party was hurt and I couldn't... I didn't do everything I could to save him..."

His eyes shifted away. "Maybe if I was honest even then..." he whispered more to himself.

"Because of that fight, I was accused of withholding information and I went with it to protect the other beta players."

Suguha couldn't pretend that she understood what he was talking about, but based on the way he said it, there was no doubt that it was something important.

"After that, for around 25 floors I was mostly hanging with this other player. She wasn't a solo player but she was alone, just like me..."

Was she, Sachi? she wanted to ask but she couldn't bring herself to do so.

"We had so many adventures together, and we formed a real bond..." he spoke fondly of the girl Suguha may never know about. "I thought that... maybe we could be together for a long time... maybe until the end of the game..." he smiled warmly, "maybe even longer... But unlike me, she could think about the big picture instead of being selfish, and eventually she went on to join the new main frontline guild, the «Knights of the Blood Oath»..." - For some reason, she could've sworn that he snarled the name of the guild - "and I was alone again..."

He took another pause as if to think of what to say next.

"I'm not sure for how much time I was alone after that... but eventually I saved a guild."

Suddenly his voice sounded softer, almost... longing...

"I was just planning to save them and get out but... I was stunned by the genuine companionship between them. It was so easy to get lost in that atmosphere..."

"Maybe it was because I was disillusioned by my solo ways, but when they asked me to join them, I accepted."

His lips formed a smile as he went on, but the darkness never left his eyes.

"When I was with them, I actually felt happy. I was able to train them to become stronger and... I actually became close to everyone. For what felt like the first time in so long, I felt like I had real friends..."

Then his smile was erased.

"But I never told them the truth about myself, not my level, not my alias and not about how I knew so much. And like the good, trusting people they were, they kept blindly believing me and it got to the point where..." his voice became fonder and sadder, "I had to reassure one of them that she wouldn't die because I would protect her and all of our friends."

-! Recalling those words she heard from him so many times, she realized precisely who he was talking about. This was her. Suguha was certain. She's Sachi.

"Every night, I would keep reassuring her, and she would finally be able to sleep... It was a hollow promise, but I deluded myself into thinking that I was doing the right thing, just by doing what I could for her... and she would ease my guilt... We were like... two stray cats, licking each other's wounds..."

She looked at him thoughtfully, finally having an understanding of how close he was to the girl whose name he didn't realize she knew.

You two would... make a great couple... Was what she wanted to say, no matter how much it hurt.

For a moment, she considered putting aside her feelings and instead help him reunite with this girl who was there with him in his darkest time...

"But it didn't matter... because less than a month after that... they were all killed in a trap."

...What...?

Turning her head to look at his downcast face, she saw that he was crying.

"I watched each of them die... until I was the only survivor..."

...She's... dead...? Suguha thought numbly. The truth is, she had thought that she would feel a vile sense of relief to learn such a thing if it was true... but all she felt was pain.

...Is this how you've been feeling every day, Kazuto?

He had to stop as he started to shake. Slowly, she caressed his head, helping him to continue.

"She died... without knowing the whole truth..." he spoke mournfully. He stopped shaking... instead his entire body seemed to freeze completely. "In the end, I had to tell my leader about what happened... and I confessed how I was lying to all of them."

Suddenly his mood became even darker.

"He blamed me for everything... before killing himself right in front of me..."

"That's awful," Suguha finally choked out. She couldn't believe that such awful things happened to her dear brother.

No wonder he's so broken.

"It wasn't right for him to blame you like that," she said weakly. "You were only trying to help..."

"But he was right!" he interrupted her as he pulled away. "I gave them power without knowledge! If they hadn't met me, they would have just stayed in the safer middle areas!" His widened eyes immediately became sunken as his voice became weaker. "I should have died with them... but I don't deserve to die with friends..."

"You're wrong!" Suguha yelled.

He looked to her, stunned, but he quickly recovered to blame himself again.

However, she didn't let him interrupt her.

"It's not your fault! In fact, if anything your presence would have saved them!"

She couldn't turn back now.

"Okay, maybe I don't know the finer details, but I can tell you're just blaming yourself!"

Even as she spoke, she couldn't help but understand Kazuto's leader's stance - After all, if something had resulted in Kazuto's death...

"If they were really your friends, they wouldn't have blamed you!"

No... she didn't think that she could forgive anyone if they were even remotely responsible for it.

"Maybe they said harsh words to you, but they must've known deep in their hearts that you did everything you could!"

Kazuto stared at her with tears in his eyes. Then his expression softened and his eyes became vacant... as if he was thinking of something specifically.

"I don't know..." he whispered. "I don't know how to feel..."

He turned away from her, as if he didn't want her to see him.

"But it hurts... because I know, that even if she says that it's not my fault, I know that Keita blamed me!"

She barely had time to take note of the name he just said, as he immediately hugged her and cried into her shoulder.

"Losing my guild is my greatest regret in that world... in any world..."

He couldn't keep himself from sobbing.

"I can never... make up for what I did to them..."

For what felt like a long time, she soothingly rubbed his back, trying to assure him that no matter what, that she still cared for him.

Her next words came to her naturally.

"You may regret it, but you don't have to be defined by what happened to your guild or anything in that world."

She heard him whimper sadly as she spoke.

"You are a survivor, you are blessed to have made it back to this world... to make it back to your family... back to me..." she spoke wistfully. "It may hurt now, but you have your whole life to come to terms with what happened."

There was a long moment of silence as they sat on his bed, holding each other in their arms.

Suddenly, she thought that she heard a slight whisper coming from him. "...I won't let him win..."

...?

"...I want to make things right, Sugu," he finally said. "I want to be forgiven."

Slowly, he let her go but his hands went to her upper arms and he stared deeply into her eyes.

"...Maybe... you're right... and I don't have to be defined by what happened to my guild... but..." he hesitated. "What about you...?"

-? What did he mean?

He continued in a voice burdened by years of regret. "Can you forgive me, Sugu?" he asked her in a whisper. "For treating you like a stranger? For pretending that we didn't care about each other? For being a terrible big brother?"

She returned his deep gaze. She saw so much pain, so much anguish in it. Just from his look, it was clear that he was truly regretting his actions and behaviour... It made her forgive any lingering resentment she had left in her heart.

"I forgive you, Kazuto," she breathed. "I know why you rejected me and I once resented you for it but I forgive you."

What she was saying was the truth. Maybe she hated him for his actions, but now was the time to move passed that.

"Let's forget about that and start over," she requested. "Let's patch up the relationship we once had... and make it even stronger."

Kazuto looked at her with a warm look, his soft face seeming ready to melt with relief. "I want that too," he responded as he leaned into her and embraced her body tenderly.

With the same ferocity and tenderness, she returned the embrace.

They kept hugging each other, happier than they had been for a long time...

But only Suguha knew about the new turmoil in her heart.

I'm glad I got through to him... But I don't want things to be like the way they were before.

Even after listening to his dark history, there was something that she couldn't deny. She had finally come to terms with a difficult fact...

―That she was completely in love with Kazuto.

I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't bury these feelings deep inside and hope they disappear...

Going forward, she knew that she had to be the person whom he trusts the most.

...After all, she knew that his pain wouldn't just fade away after a single talk with her... especially now that she knew exactly what happened to the girl whom he cares so much for...

Kazuto, I promise to be the person you need, always.

***

This talk felt good. :)

This chapter was particularly difficult to write. I didn't know when to split the dialog or have it be interrupted. Edits may be made in the future. A lot of this story has been a wonderful learning experience for me. :)

Well, we had a good time. Thank you for reading Kirigaya Love Affair, I really appreciate everyone reading until the end!

...

...

...

...Nobody's buying this are they? Yeah I'm kidding, there's a lot more to this story!