Alternatively titled: ARAAS, A Rant About A Sad [I totally understand if you don't read this, it's a rambling mess and I get if it's not your cup of tea. Also, it gets really personal I lowkey might take it down/edit it at a later date but yeah just be warned.]

Or: Help [me mostly angsty teens who are I guess personally acquainted with something like what I'm going through and are genuinely nice people but are not medical professionals]

I've been away for a very long time and I feel mildly apprehensive about coming back with something like this because warning it's gonna get depressive as shit cause it's basically me ranting about everything I'm feeling right now, so yeah, be safe and stuff.

So everything's been happening and not happening and I've got myself in a self-deprecating spiral and I haven't gone to school this entire term except for the occasional sport which is bad because we're on like week six or something and I am going to a psychologist but that isn't really working because I don't talk in the sessions because I'm selective mute and like ever since the diagnosis I've been noting it more and like my whole life I've not talked to professionals [doctors, waiters, dentists okay the first time I went to the dentist I made the dentist angry because I wouldn't talk literally scarred me for life I've been to the dentist one other time since and he was nice but I'm still scarred nope not going back] but now that I pay attention when I'm in a situation where I don't know what to say or I have too much to say or no one is listening I stop talking and it's actually physically hard to say something, I literally have to force it and it's the weirdest feeling trust me. Anyways, yeah so therapy isn't working cause I can't give her any constructive criticism like I'm being treated for depression and anxiety [and let me tell you I want a proper diagnosis cause I'm that kind of person but I can't aSK for one] and like she's real nice and I used to be anxious more and I still get anxiety like they're not wrong but lately everything's been so overwhelming that's why I stopped being here and also everywhere else internet-wise and life-wise [and lowkey I don't find it hard to not see my friends for so long I still consider people I haven't talked to in ages friends and also it gives me mild anxiety dealing with people's questions] yeah so everything is so overwhelming lately and I'm doing shit at school I mean not that shit and I've got a few A's B's and C's but I got three D's and I can't handle that [especially since one was in music and I cried through my practical and it was never mentioned, just like oh they hesitated I'm like flipping of course I did I was panicking!!!!!!!!] and one was in art which I have major anxiety over cause I can't art even though I love it but I don't like showing people my art ugh, and lastly the big one pdh where I failed cause I plagiarised an assignment but I didn't mean to it's just the way I do my assignments is I get the source, format it and then reword which I know is a terrible work ethic and in my defense I haven't been in a good place all year so it was a little lackluster and literally when I opened my report that is what made me cry the whole day I'm still crying now rip it's why I haven't been to a pdh class since like I can't go without thinking that my teacher thinks I'm the kind of person who plagiarises it was-is the one thing I despise the most give credit where credit is due but I didn't and she must think me horrible I just can't stand that. Okay onwards, so everything is overwhelming and this whole year I've been shit but I can pinpoint the time it really hit me, okay it was mid first term and I had this assignment and I literally could not find it anywhere in myself to do it. Usually, I do procrastinate but there's an innate need in me to do it and hand it in on time. There was nothing. So I took the week [it was only supposed to be a day or two but whoops] off thinking the funk would pass cause like I tried really hard the first half of the term so I was ready to keep doing so but no the funk didn't pass and my life has been a mess since. Ever since then I've felt emptier. Like there's less of me now like I don't have emotions type thing like I'm in a glass box and the emotions hit the box so I'm aware of them being there but I don't really feel them?? I'm aware this can be part of depression but like especially at therapy since I'm also being treated for anxiety she keeps talking about how anxiety is making me do what I'm doing but it's not. I'm also aware that I've always been this way to an extent; I've always been a balance/middleground/passive/indecisive kind of person, everything I do is about balance and I've always tried to avoid anything that messed with that and making decisions. I don't even make arbitrary decisions anymore. Sometimes I don't speak cause I can't choose what to say. I've always avoided confrontation/drama and most situations that make me anxious. There are a few times I've been impulsive and done something that now I look back on and wonder how I ever got the courage. But yeah, it feels like I feel less now and also like I'm turning up my thoughts to sound more like static and I keep avoiding thinking about the future cause I can't handle it and I don't want to wallow in self-pity, and I'm existing in a state of nonexistence where everything is static and I'm not thinking about anything which I know is really bad like I'm sabotaging my future here and I don't know what to do but I actually do and I'm being unreasonable and honestly I'm so out of my depth. So yeah, this is a call for help cause I have an inability to physically call for [and mentally if I'm honest] it, and also because I know I lot of real top people here that I've let down by dropping silent on them that really deserve to know what's happened. I'm so very sorry for this, but I needed it. Thank you for listening, or passively allowing this rants' existence.

sidenote: was this depressive as shit?? it feels kinda tame now I look back on it but like not really?? I feel depressive as shit and I'm being ironic to counteract that

also sidenote: I have some tags still in my drafts I'll complete them and post them someday sorry

also, an extra rant cause I remembered something. So I talked about how I did bad last semester but I didn't say how during the holidays between semesters I was like hyping up to do better this semester and go to school everyday and oh also flashback to that time I cried in the bathroom cause I was late to school and had to get a green slip hah anyways yeah I was hype but then nope and now I'm here and I'm really anxiety because I'm missing so much shit and I've been assured they'll accommodate me but the notifications are so strongly worded for assignments/tests and I've been trying to do work and I did a bit before but the further I get the less I can force myself to do and whenever my parents talk about school/alternative schooling I hightail it out of the conversation smh @ me and also when they get salty bout that and are like oh well maybe you'll just fail life and I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist, at least what it feels like to me and fuck I cry so much easier now I mean I was always a crybaby but like I'm either feeling nothing or crying or thinking about almost dying

Why can't everyone just be happy and good and healthy flippin heck

OH also I've messed up my sleeping schedule which is a symptom of depression but like I sleep during the day I'm officially nocturnal this would be good if I wasn't also off my rocker