"Ruby, come on wake up. It's time to go." For a few moments I thought it was Jock prodding me to wake up but when I opened my eyes and saw the silhouette hovering above me I realized it wasn't Jock but Boy who had come to wake me up.

It dawned on me then, like really dawned on me that the brother I loved the most was gone. Without warning the tears started, followed by what I can only assume was wailing. I had never wailed before but the sound I made wasn't a sob or a cry, it was something more raw and ugly than either of those two noises.

Boy didn't hug me, he wasn't much of a hugger so I wasn't really surprised. But he did pat me on the shoulder until I stopped crying, that was more than I could ever ask for when it came to Boy. "Come on girl, we better get going, you still need to wash and change clothes. Mum's got your stuff all sorted out, are you okay? I know we were all close to Jock but you were always his favourite." I tried not to stumble at that revelation as we made our way down from the hay stack, Jock had never ever told em that he favoured me more.

"Come on Ruby, shower and dressed please." I was glad to see mum still in her pajamas but she looked like I felt, miserable. She was standing out on the back doorstep, I guess she didn't much mind who saw her in pajama's looking like crap like she usually did.

"Morning Ruby." I tried not to cringe when the voice greeted me from inside, I walked straight past Lou and went to do as I was told. I almost scoffed at that thought, I was proving Lou right by doing what my mother was asking of me. But this morning I didn't give two f*cks, we were going down to the church for service and then I could escape again away from everyone that I never wanted to see again.

After showering I came into the lounge to kiss the top of Jock's casket lid, they didn't open him while at the house. Mum didn't say why but I could only assume it was because he had pretty nasty and deep gashes on his face, I suppose she wanted to remember Jock as he had been before the accident and not what he had ended up as.

There's was no eating before we went to church, I don't think I even could have mustered up the courage to do that. The ride down to the church was quiet and slow, it wasn't far from our house but when we arrived the priest was there waiting, as were a few of the locals from around the area and I guess some of Jock's friends too.

Mum had picked out this shaggy old black dress for me to wear, but I wasn't going near it, she hated what I had picked but Jock wouldn't have had it any other way.

It was a simple outfit, still all black too but it was more my style. Boots, jeans and a light, long sleeved top. Being summer it was going to be hell dressed in black, stuffed into a small church for a few hours but it had to be done so I wasn't going to complain one bit.

During the service I mourned with everyone else, my eyes were as red and as raw as mum's by the time they carried Jock's casket out to the cemetery right next door.

Flick took hold of my hand as we made our way out of the church, down the steps and across the neatly mowed lawn to the small gate. I don't remember the lawns being mowed this neatly in the past few weeks and wondered briefly who had done it but the thought was gone as quickly as it had come as we stepped into the fenced area.

Every single female in the cemetery cried, that much I knew for sure. We cried and sniffed loudly as Jock was lowered into the ground, I was not sure about the men but knew that many would be too stoic to let a single tear roll down their cheeks. I looked up though, right as they were about to throw dirt in.

For a brief moment I met the very grief stricken stare of Lou, he was clearly crying but did not care or attempt to wipe the tears away. I didn't think less of him for showing that much emotion at a time like this, in fact I probably thought more of him because he was letting others see that side of him...the vulnerable side.

Those who did not need to shovel dirt into the hole were ushered from the cemetery, I still felt as if I hadn't said enough goodbyes to Jock, like I would spend the rest of my life saying goodbye in one way or another.

"Hey, you okay?" It was mum, she linked arms with me as we walked back towards the church steps to wait for dad and Boy to finish up. I could only nod, it was a nice day to have Jock's funeral on. One of those days where there wasn't a single wisp of wind to stir the grass and trees, where the light was just at the right brightness and you just knew...you knew that wherever that person was, they were happy to have that bright, sunny send off.

"I'm fine mum, thanks for pushing me around. I still would have been stuck in yesterday if you hadn't put me in the shower." I was a little ashamed about stalling twice over the last two days, but with all the crying done today the pain was slowly shifting to something less invasive and consuming, something more manageable that would allow me to move on.

"It's okay honey, I know how close you two were. Your father and I...and I guess Boy too all had our chance to say goodbye at the hospital," that was true, though I guess I too at least had said goodbye to Jock in my own way.

Thoughts from the other night flickered through my mind briefly but I shut them out briefly as tears welled in my eyes suddenly.

The gathering afterward for tea and biscuits was to be held at mum and dad's, again...where had I been during the cleaning and when had it all been done? Feeling ashamed I stuck to the wall, I gave a nod of acknowledgment at those who offered their apologies and condolences when they walked by but I otherwise could not be drawn into conversation.

"You can thank me later ya know." It wasn't a question and it wasn't a voice that I wanted to hear right then.

Turning my attention to the source of the voice I kept an annoyed look plastered to my face, the longer I kept it and stared at Lou the more he lost his confidence until the smug smirk that had first been on his face was replaced with a slight frown.

"What did you do? And no, I'm not going to thank you because whatever you did, you did without asking me so go shove your fat head out a window or something you're clogging up the room." I tried not to smile at what I'd said, it some twisted way I was only kidding around but I guess the sadness made it sound a lot less like a joke and more like an insult.

The look on Lou's face though was enough to quirk my lips a few times, I tried hard not to smile but the harder I tried the more it happened. The insult that had been written across Lou's face was gone in an instant, replaced with something close to understanding as a small smile appeared.

"Seriously though, what did you do?" I asked curiously, it must have been something big if he'd come over here expecting me to accept his gloating.

"Mowed that paddock around the church and left a blanket on ya last night. What? Seriously, Jock and Boy showed me that place when we were kids. Don't look so surprised, I used to come down to the farm every now and then, I remember you being the tomboy girl that used to try and go everywhere with us." I think my face went as red as my hair at that memory, oh I remembered trying to follow Jock and Boy where ever they went but I never really remembered Lou being there.

"Shame, you remember those days? My skinned knees and ripped pants. Even my frizzy hair, no wonder why they never wanted to hang out with me." I always remembered Boy being the most cruel out of he and Jock when we were all younger. Jock was always the one who would come and save me while Boy was the one who was always pushing me away from them, usually towards danger.

"Yeah, remember? That one time you tried to climb the tree after us and ended up getting caught up? You hung up there for ages and when your dad found you he booted Jock and Boy so hard up the bum they couldn't sit down at tea time." I almost choked on my own spit as the memory came flooding back, I remember hanging in the tree screaming out for anyone to come and rescue me. Jock, Boy and most likely Lou had slunk off into the long grass and left me hanging by my belt out of the tree.

When dad had found my I clung to him and sobbed every detail, including the boys buggering off and leaving me there.

They had all looked smug when I had arrived home, but as soon as dad had ordered Lou to return to his family home both Boy and Jock knew they were in for trouble. The next day the both of them apologized while trying not to sit wrong on the chair, dad had given them both a boot up the butt for even thinking of leaving me hanging there.

"Yeah, I remember that." Suddenly I realized, if I remembered Lou being down at the farm what had put memories of them not being down there into my head? Surely I hadn't hated Lou that much after he'd embarrassed me at high school because of the crush I'd had on him? But then, if I was the only one who had disliked the Smith's it would have made perfect sense.

"Thank you Lou, for the lawns and the blanket. I really appreciate it and I know my family does too." I decided against being a bitch to Lou, especially today. Obviously he was hurting as much as the rest of us, maybe even a little more.

"It's okay Ruby, it's the least I could do. I'm just sorry about Jock, he's going to be sorely missed around here." That was the bloody truth, Jock had been the joker, he'd been the glue that held us all together too so it was going to be interesting to see what happened from here on.

"Anyway I'll leave you with your family, I'm coming back down to your place so maybe you and I can have a cup of tea together?" I hesitated only a moment before nodding my head. Was that a simple invitation? Could I read wrong into it? Was I wrong in thinking there might be something else? Probably, I was still emotional after all.

"It's nice to see the both of you finally talking." It was mum again, she took hold of my arm as we walked back down to the car. Flick and Teal were behind us chatting quietly to one another while Boy, Crow and Lately were off to the side with dad walking in silence.

As a family I was confident we could pull through this and still pull the farm out of debt.