I sleep in Saturday morning. It's just one more check mark to add in the column of things I never do. Sure, 8:27 AM might not seem like a beauty slumber to some, but it felt like one to me.

I blame the dreams. The Shawn-Jake-Harry montage that kept me up most of the night. Oh, this is so bad for a myriad of reasons!

I can't stop thinking about Harry. Meeting him yesterday was a whirlwind. I was having a hard enough time worrying about Jake and Shawn and feeling torn and guilty and distracted from my schoolwork all at once. Now Harry? A mysterious musician that's legit famous? I know I'm just overreacting again. I doubt Harry has any intention of seeing me again. I doubt he even remembers my name.

And it's only going to get worse tonight.

"Tell me you picked another outfit," Nikki says, leaning in my doorway. It strikes me how eerily she looks like Jake when she does that.

"Please," I laugh. "Even I know not to wear sweatpants to a party. Also, it's barely 9 AM."

"Never too early to plan these things." Nikki shakes her head. "Also, I brought my curler wand, so I'll do your hair after lunch."

"Nikki–" I begin.

"No Nikki," she mimics my voice. "It'll take five minutes. Promise."

I roll my eyes, but she already knows I'll give in. I stand in front of my open closet and reach to a dark green waffle-knit. It kind of reminds me of something Jake would wear.

"Drop it." Nikki arrives at my side. Her bracelets jangle as she rifles through my hangers. "Hmm. No. Hard pass."

I laugh nervously, wondering if Nikki will find anything satisfactory.

"I'm sure Tasha's got something slutty we can get you into..." Nikki talks more to herself than to me.

"Hey!" I nudge her. "No sluttiness, thank you."

"Oo, what do we have here?" Nikki finally pulls out an old sweater dress from the far back of my closet. "Yes."

"Nikki, it's a dress! And it's February!"

"Yes. And it's a sweater dress. I love it for you!" She holds it up to me and lets the hanger rest on my chest. "I gotta meet Chloe for a run. Then I'll be back around 2 for your hair."

"Alright," I sigh, smiling as she leaves my dorm.

Secretly, I'm happy I have Nikki to set me down the right path. I'd be lost without her, and I do not want to be lost tonight.

Shawn texted me earlier in the week to ask if I would be at High House. Now I know he was asking if I'd be at this party.

High House is not exactly a frat house –or maybe it used to be –but its name is not because it sits on a small hill behind campus. It's notorious for its weed and infamous for throwing even more infamous parties, like collegiate-level Jay Gatsby parties.

Nikki also let slip that Jake was going. He has made fast friends with some of the shadier students, so it's no surprise. He'll fit right in at High House.

I spend the afternoon eating granola parfaits and listening to new playlists in the lounge with Darren. I focus on his electric blue-pink headphones. Lucy wears them sometimes when she films her vlogs.

Darren's favorite pastime is introducing us to upcoming songs or secret gems he's discovered before they become mainstream. It's truly an art and he has a knack for it. Thanks to Darren, I knew at least three songs last semester before they even became hits on the radio, or streaming platform, or wherever it is kids listen to music now.

One of the songs was Harry's.

...

I'm walking into a house party. Me.

Nikki and Chloe (and probably Shawn and Jake) are already at High House. Lucy is next to me, playing with her strawberry earrings and readjusting her tank top for maximum cleavage. I'm silently losing it.

"Come on. Let's go." Lucy pulls me by the hand.

We walk up the driveway, past groups of people scattered across the yard. A group of stoners hangs on bottom of the steps, engulfed in a hazy cloud of pot smoke. Ah, High House. Three kids on the porch take turns showing off their tattoos. A girl is wearing a crop top that is cut open so you can clearly see her hot pink bra.

I pull my sweater dress further down over my legs. At least my hair is down tonight –it can help hide my face. Nikki insisted on curling it for me, so it falls over my cheeks nicely, but it seems out of place to me. Like me at this party.

The first thing I see inside is the keg. It's in the entrance to the kitchen, which is dead ahead from the front door. A guy in skinny jeans and Chucks is doing a keg-stand. The crowd cheers him on. Lucy shrugs. The air smells sticky –like a combination of spilt beer and twenty different cheap perfumes.

"Come on. Let's find the girls," Lucy says.

"After you."

Lucy pulls me further into the party.

I don't drink, not really. I have gotten drunk maybe twice in my life. Once after my mom let me have wine at Christmas my senior year of high school. Two glasses later I was a giggling mess. Shawn was there. I think back to us sneaking into my dad's den to admire all the antiques in there. He's an avid collector. We almost knocked over an ancient vase or something, but Shawn caught it last minute. Good thing he has football reflexes. The second time was six months later at my high school graduation. Puked so badly the next day that I swore off beer after that.

It was easier in high school to avoid parties. I always made up excuses. Now, with no parental supervision, it seems all college kids do is have parties. Nikki drags me to one every now and then. I used to feel bad saying no, but now she always has Chloe. Really, I think Nikki does it for me –so I don't entirely miss out on the college experience.

"Here you-guysss are!" Nikki slurs at us.

"Hey," I say, reaching her in the family room.

"Elle is at a party?" Jake asks, staring right at me. Through me. I cross my hands over my chest like I'm trying to protect myself.

"I go to parties," I say, defensive.

"Sure, she does. When I makes hur!" Nikki laughs into her red cup. She must be drunk already.

"I'm getting more beer." The guy sitting next to Jake stands up and walks into the kitchen.

There's a small group of them sitting on the couches and floor in the family room. Nikki and Chloe are sitting together with another girl I don't recognize. Jake is sitting with his back against the couch, talking to some guy I think must be on the team judging from his T-shirt. He's still staring up at me, bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand.

"E, this is Becca. She's dating him," Chloe says, in a sweet attempt to include me. The way her head indicates the spot between Jake and the other boy makes me panic.

"I'm Lee," the guy says. "Sup."

Okay. So Becca is dating Lee.

"You need a drink." Jake says, standing up.

He is only one foot away from me now. He's wearing the same Henley shirt and his hair is still a mess. A loose cigarette is tucked behind his ear. It all creates a casual way about him. His eyes remain riddled with angst.

"I don't drink," I say, quiet.

"Figures." Jake almost laughs. I catch a minty-smokey aroma on his skin.

"Oh comes-on. Ones drink, girl!" Nikki makes a fake pouty face.

I try to weigh my options. I could either leave and go home now or stay and have one drink. One drink won't be the end of me. Plus, it might keep Nikki off my back from going to another party any time soon. I know Shawn is here somewhere and he wouldn't let anything happen to me.

"So? What will it be?" Jake's dark eyes are following mine. I swallow hard.

"One drink." I nod.

"Perfect timing." I hear someone say behind me.

I turn around to see Shawn standing in the doorway, holding two cups. Omg.

"Shawn!" I gasp.

"Ellie," Shawn says, handing the cup to me. "Glad you came."

I take the cup without thinking, trying hard to ignore the look of disappointment on Jake's face. He doesn't mask it well.

"Ooh, you must be Shawn," Nikki giggles. Chloe rolls her eyes next to her.

"I'm Shawn." His voice is cool and collected and so sophomore. I can't believe I'm standing here right now.

"It's nice to meet you, Shawn." Lucy shakes his hand. She looks at me sideways and smirks.

"Hey Shawn," Chloe echoes.

She's looking between me and Shawn and Jake and my stomach is on fire. Why did I have to talk to Chloe about feeling torn between people? Could I have been more obvious? Oh my –I pray she doesn't tell Nikki.

"Friend of Elle's?" Jake asks, eyes narrowed.

"Something like that."

I notice with the two of them standing next to each other that Shawn really is taller than I thought. When I stand next to Jake, he seems so tall, but Shawn towers easily over both of us. I can't believe how good he looks in his Lion's football T-shirt under his open flannel.

"Come on, I'll show you around." Shawn says, leaning into me. I nod, taking a sip of my cup for something to do. Not that I want the beer in it.

"You live here?" Jake's tone is unreadable.

"No. But I've been several times. Guys on the team live here," Shawn says, shrugging off Jake's rudeness in perfect fashion.

"Football star, I forgot." Jake almost rolls his eyes.

"Jake!" I hiss at him warningly.

"It's okay," Shawn laughs. "Do you play any sports?"

"Don't have time for sports," Jake says with a shrug.

Because he's too busy dealing is what I want to say. I stop myself. I can't say it in front of Nikki. Not that I think I owe Jake anything, but something stops me. Maybe I don't want Shawn to know?

"Okay, let's go. I want to see the house." I lie, drinking another sip from my cup.

Becca and Lee are busy making out with each other now. Nikki and Chloe aren't much better. Lucy gives me a look and turns back to the kitchen. Jake watches Shawn and I head toward the stairs.

"Andre and Joe are here somewhere. I'm sure they'd like to say hi." Shawn smiles at me, ushering me forward.

Shawn gives me the quick tour. It's a fairly large house –six small bedrooms and an unfinished basement where they store the pong table. I managed to finish my entire beer on the walk-around and it has given me courage. I need to know what Shawn thinks of me –what he wants from me.

"Why do you like me?" I blurt out. We are standing in the upstairs hallway. No one else is around.

"Like you?" Shawn repeats, slightly taken aback. His cup is empty too, but he is much bigger than me and I'm sure one beer does nothing to him.

"Yea. I mean, I'm a freshman and I'm boring. Why me?" I can't help but ask him everything I'm wondering. He's on the football team and so old school handsome like some 1950s all-American boy.

"Ellie, I like you because I know you. Because you're smart as hell and cute and don't even realize what you are. We've been friends for years and I guess we're both at a place where I thought we wanted to be more." Shawn stares at me, calmly.

"Oh." I say, replaying his words.

"Oh," Shawn mimics me, smirking. His hand is moving down the side of my sweater dress.

Without even realizing, I move into him. My head only comes up to his chest and he leans down. His head is so close to mine. I think about the last time we kissed –how his lips felt on mine. I should be with Shawn.

"Can I kiss you?" I hear him asking.

I freeze up and don't say anything. I don't draw back. He's so close but suddenly it's not just him I see. I see Jake's face and hear Harry's melodic voice, and I stumble backwards as I back away from Shawn.

"S–Sorry. I can't right now." I mumble.

I leave my empty cup on the railing and fly down the stairs, refusing to look back at Shawn.