The hall light is creeping into my room. It's a perfect yellow frame in the doorway. My door is closed, but I can still smell the dinner mom is cooking wafting up from the kitchen. I lay my head back on the pillows and close my eyes.

I can't wait for school to start.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed winter break. I've enjoyed relaxing on the couch at my parents' house, all the home-cooked meals, and walking my golden retriever on strolls in the neighborhood –the holiday festivities and the cozy fireside snowfalls. Building snowmen in said snowfalls. I've enjoyed it all. But I enjoy school more. Well, I enjoy books. Reading, writing, and studying all kinds of books.

For as long as I can remember I've been into books –into school. I was never one to party in high school and I've never been into boys very much. I never wanted to lose my focus. I used to think maybe it would change when I went to college. But not so much. I'm a freshman and I dedicate most of my attention to schoolwork. And that's what I want to get back to.

To my mismatched dorm room and campus coffee shop. To waiting in line before morning classes and going over notes. To my friends and my routine schedule walking between buildings. To hanging in the courtyard on the main mall lawn. To color-coded outlines and casual ten-page essays. To new classes!

It's the last night of break. I'm packing my suitcase up now, collecting odds and ends from my bedroom. It's amazing how much everything has scattered over the last 3 weeks –how my old copy of The Great Gatsby made it under my bed –how my favorite purple fuzzy socks are now in my make up bag on my bathroom sink –how I can only seem to find one of my mittens!

"Honey!" My mom calls from downstairs. Her voice is muffled, and it sounds like she's still in the kitchen.

"Yea, mom?" I shout back, removing the scarf hanging on my doorknob and shoving it in my bag.

"Elle? Honey?"

"YES!" I shout, moving into the doorway so she can hear me properly.

"Don't forget. Dinner tonight with everyone before you leave." Mom appears in the gap of the railing at the foot of the stairs, both hands covered in her red and white oven-mitts. "One hour!"

"Right. Okay!" I nod. She smiles and walks back toward the kitchen.

Great.

The big dinner party with our next-door neighbors. Both neighbors. They're family friends and we've been having the same post-Holidays party for about 12 years now, ever since I was in kindergarten. The one couple –the Kims –they're great. They've lived next door since I can remember. They only had one daughter who was way older than me and I only ever met her twice. The other family –the Carrs –have two sons. Gerry is 15 and goes to my old high school. The other, Shawn, is 20 and only one school year older than me.

I will admit, my aversion to distractions aside, I had the biggest crush on Shawn growing up.

He was always the cool older boy with the popular friends, star of the football team –you know the type. He took me to my first school dance. Found out later his mom made him take me. Shawn also gave me my first kiss when I was 17. Yes, last year. I hope his mother didn't make him do that too.

I slide off my bed and stand in front of the mirror to make sure I'm presentable for dinner in an hour. Jeans, cable-knit sweater, blue light filtering glasses that are basically for show. Check. Check. Check. Oh, and cute booties. Check.

OK. I am ready to see Shawn one last time before he drives me (us) back to school. Did I forget to mention we attend the same college? Yup. To be honest, I'm nervous about seeing him.

The Carrs came over for Christmas Eve and I thought maybe Shawn and I had a moment. We were sitting in front of the fireplace and laughing about our favorite movies and sharing old holiday stories. Gerry was side eyeing us from the couch. The moment came and went, so probably me just misreading the situation. Another reason I should just stick to reading books.

I've always felt like I look weird in a mirror –like I'm not really sure I believe what I see. I'm pretty average. Average height, average build. More chesty than I should be for my waist, but I never really play it up. In fact, I try to play it down. I don't like to draw attention to that part of myself. I have wavy brown hair and big blue eyes that I hide behind the fake blue-light glasses. It's a miracle I don't actually need glasses with all the reading I do.

My phone buzzes on my nightstand. The screen lights up with his name.

Shawn: See u @ Dinner

I can't help but smile at my phone. So maybe we did have a moment the other day. I can only hope. I quickly type out a response.

Half hour :)

I stare at his little contact photo. He looks like just Michael B. Jordan in that Rocky movie. I toss my phone on my bed and grab the lip-gloss from my make up case. This calls for a fresh coat. Here we go!

My parents are in the kitchen pouring wine for the Kims. They're all gathered around the island, glowing from the light of the fireplace in the family room. The doorbell rings just when my boots reach the bottom of the stairs.

"Elle, grab the door for the Carrs, please," my dad says. His back is to me as he removes the pot roast from the oven. My stomach tumbles two-fold.

"I've got it!" I cross the hallway to the front door and pull it open.

"Hi!" I greet Mr. and Mrs. Carr.

"Hello Elle," Mr. Carr says, his voice deep.

"Hi, dear." Mrs. Carr hugs me as she comes in.

I'm left staring at Shawn. God, he's just so cool. There's no other word. He's wearing his old high school football letterman coat. Cropped black hair, dark eyes, and smooth skin. All-American boy. It's no wonder he lured me away from my focus long enough to kiss me that one time. It's no wonder I think about kissing him again.

"Ellie," Shawn says, smirking.

"Hey," I squeak. He always calls me Ellie and I always pretend to hate it. "Come in."

"Thanks," Shawn says, walking past me inside.

We're all in the kitchen, congregated around the island. I pour glasses of wine for the adults. Shawn watches me carefully as I do so. The Carrs and Kims are asking about the leftover decorations in our house and about mom's delicious dinner recipes. Then we finally get around to college.

"So, Elle, Shawn tells me you two are leaving at noon tomorrow. Are you all ready to get back to campus?" Mrs. Carr asks during dessert.

I gulp down my spoonful of chocolate mousse before answering.

"Yes. And thanks again for driving me back," I add, looking directly at Shawn.

"No problem at all," Shawn says. His lips rest on the brim of his coffee mug, but I see the smile brewing behind it.

"It's great you two ended up at the same college," my dad says.

"What can I say?" Shawn shrugs. "I'm a built-in chauffeur."

Everyone low key nods and murmurs in agreement. I feel my cheeks burn when Shawn catches my eye. I like to believe secretly everyone thinks we should be together. None of them will admit it, of course.

Not Shawn. And definitely not me.

I leave the stifling and overcrowded dining room for the safe confines of the kitchen.

"Hey," Shawn mumbles.

I jump at the farmhouse sink. Mrs. Kim's coffee mug almost slips from my grip.

"Whoa, careful." He smiles.

"Sorry," I mumble. I don't take my eyes off of him as he walks across the kitchen and stops in front of me.

"Don't apologize." Shawn shifts in front of me, hands in his jean pockets and his eyebrows raising. "So, ready for the car ride tomorrow?"

"Of course. Only if I can pick the music this time." I smirk, pretending to be annoyed with his selection on the ride home for winter break.

"Hey, you're lucky I let you come. Don't get picky on me now." Shawn laughs.

I laugh, flustered by his playful dig.

"It's a two-hour ride. How about we share music duty?" Shawn suggests.

"Deal." I nod.

Shawn hangs his head and laughs a little. He places his mug on the counter next to him, his hand so close to mine. I'm aware we are alone in the kitchen. Everyone else is still in the next room with no line of vision to us.

Shawn smiles with an almost inaudible chuckle.

"What's funny?" I ask. I can't stop staring at his honeyed hazel eyes.

"It's just, I forgot you are kind of cool." He says it confidently. More confidently than I could ever speak to him.

"Me? I'm cool?" I almost laugh at him.

"Sure. I mean, you always used to be a kid to me. But now..." His voice trails off.

Omg. My sweater is instantly suffocating.

Why am I squealing hard on the inside? This isn't me. I don't react to boys like this. I'm nerdy and bookish. I wear glasses and keep my hair in a boring bun. I'm basically a librarian in training.

"But now what?" It takes everything out of me not to stutter.

"It's just... We've grown up. Go to the same school. We should hang out more." Shawn says. "At school."

"We went to the same school before," I correct him.

"Yea, high school."

"And that doesn't count?" I ask.

"Not like college. We could hang out more."

"More?" I push him. What's he trying to say? What do I want him to say?

"More than just when I drive you home for breaks." Shawn's teeth are on perfect display when he laughs. "More than at your parents' kitchen sink."

"We aren't really friends, Shawn." I tease. What am I trying to say?

"We could be friends, Elle. We should be friends. Better friends."

Mrs. Kim's mug is safely in the sink now. His mug is still down. Hands are free. I'm aware there are only six inches between us. Are we going to kiss again? And then sit in a car for two hours together?

"Friends," I gulp down the swelling lump in my throat. I stare up at him, easily towering over me; I can almost feel his body heat.

Nerves. Are. Real.

"What are you kids doing in there?" I hear my dad's voice drift towards us.

"Shawn. Honey are you almost ready?" Mrs. Carr calls from the foyer.

I blink and step away from Shawn and race towards the other room. He laughs at my sudden attention change. I can picture my own cheeks turning a bright shade of red.

"Coming!" Shawn answers his mother. "Well, I'll pick you up tomorrow. Friend."

With one last look he leaves. I catch a whiff of his cologne as he passes me. It's a musky scent. Toxic. Intoxicating. Almost as good as the smell of old books.

Almost.

...

"How many coffee stops am I going to have to make?" Shawn asks, looking at me from the driver's side of his truck.

"Last one. I promise," I say, buckling up. The seatbelt stretches across my chunky blanket-size scarf. My venti is nice and warm in my hands. Shawn rolls his eyes at me, but I keep mine fixed on his smirk.

"I never agreed to this. I agreed to driving only." Shawn's smile is crippling.

"Either way, I'm grateful. Really, thanks for driving me," I say, smiling back at him.

"You don't have to keep thanking me," Shawn laughs.

"I know. Sorry," I bite my lip. "But thanks."

"What else am I for?" Shawn laughs.

The car ride goes as expected. Shawn and I take turns with queuing up his Spotify playlists. We stop for gas and food, and he makes fun of me for getting a salad. It's not that I'm a vegetarian or think I need to diet; it's just that I feel healthier after eating something green. I'm not into big burgers or greasy fried foods. Plainly put, I would not eat a single bite of Shawn's meal right now!

We talk about the upcoming semester and which classes we're taking. He is a pre-law major. Other than some similar GenEd (General Education) courses, we don't really have to take any of the same classes. He talks about his off-campus house he shares with five other sophomores on the football team. He talks about how he hated his old dorm and I talk about how much I love my dorm.

The whole time I keep thinking about how easy things feel between us. Maybe it would be easy to date Shawn. Only, I know he doesn't feel the same. I know he doesn't ever think about that one time we kissed a year ago. But he did say just last night that he wants to be better friends.

Shawn drops me off on campus. I smile and thank him for the ride (again) before lugging my bags inside. His truck drives away back to his off-campus house. He drives away back to being effortlessly cool. I don't mind that he doesn't hang around or offer to help. I prefer it actually. It gives me time to mentally prepare for tomorrow.

And I can't wait!