The Father's Longing

      WALA akong nagawa kundi ang sumama kay Zachariah pauwi sa unit namin sa Silvermoon Tower. I still have 1 hour until my shift end, so I still need to address him as Sir.

Tahimik lang ako hanggang loob ng sasakyan. Walang umiimik. Walang nagsasalita. Ayokong magsalita dahil alam kong hindi salita ang lalabas sa bibig ko kundi hagulgol.

Noong nasa byahe kami papunta sa condo, tahimik lang siyang nagmamaneho pero kitang kita ang pinaghalong lungkot at pangungulila sa mga mata niya. Alam kong may galit siya sa'kin at hindi ko siya masisisi.

Ang kambal ay nasa likuran, kasama ko. Nakatulog kaagad sila dahil sa pagod sa kakalaro. Mukhang habang nagtatalo kami ni Zach sa loob ng opisina niya ay naglaro ang kambal kasama sina Leoniel at Hunter.

"What's their full name?" Napalingon ako sa kanya nang basagin niya ang katahimikan na bumabalot sa amin.

Napalunok ako bago sumagot. "Zharaiah Maeve..." My voice tremble. "Iyon ang buong pangalan ni Zhara. Si Zacki naman, Zacharias Maverick. S-Sinunod ko sa pangalan mo," sagot ko.

His jaw clenched, and the grip on the steering wheel, tighten causing the veins on his arms to protrude. Huminga ako ng malalim at nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

"They were turning four, three days from now, April 14."

"I know. Zhara told me earlier," he answered in a hoarse voice.

I bit my lips and continued talking. "Si Zacki, kuhang-kuha niya ang buong mukha mo. Including your mannerism, he often pinched the bridge of his nose, and he also loved burgers, just like you. Hindi siya madaldal na bata at madalas na tahimik lang." Huminga ako ng malalim dahil ang haba nang sinabi ko. "He loves reading books about dinosaurs and geology. His favorite book is Diary of a Wimpy Kid and The Little Prince. He loves collecting toy cars like Pao-pao. He loves Buzz Lightyear, the cartoon character. His favorite superhero is Spiderman. He's observant, Smart compared to other kids his age. He loves Spaghetti, Chicken nuggets, and cookies. His favorite Ice cream flavor is chocolate. He also loves drawing and painting, just like you."

I also heard him take a deep breath. Nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita dahil alam kong gusto niya akong magpatuloy.

"He's also clingy at hindi siya nakakatulog kapag hindi ako ang katabi... Si Zhara naman, She loves Barbie, and Hello Kitty, and her favorite Disney princess is Cinderella but she loves little mermaid too because she loves the beach so much. She loves surfing too, just like me. She loves playing with dolls, and kitchen toys, and she loves singing kahit mali mali iyong lyrics niya. Mahilig siyang sumayaw. Her favorite color is pink, and her favorite food is anything with chicken and potato."

In my peripheral vision, I saw him staring at me while listening attentively. Nagbaba ako nang tingin at ngumiti. "Zhara is talkative, and jolly. Hindi siya maarte sa pagkain. She loves ice cream, Donut and Jollibee. Ayaw niya sa mainit kasi naiirita siya. Noong baby siya, hindi siya tumatahan kapag hindi niya naririnig ang boses mo." I smiled as I remembered how Zhara cried nonstop when she was still a baby. She will only stop crying if she'll hear Zachariah's voice.

When I glance at him I caught him staring at me. Nakita ko kung paano napaawang ang labi niya at ang panunubig ng mga mata niya na dahan-dahan na umaagos pababa.

His tears cascade down his face. "Zhara loves to hear my voice? How? You hid her. You hid them from me. P-Paanong tumatahan siya sa tuwing naririnig ang boses ko?" he asked, muddled.

Mapait akong ngumiti at nag-iwas ng tingin. "I used to record your voice whenever you sing for me," biglang pumiyok ang boses ko. "I-Iyon ang palagi kong pinapakinggan noong pinagbubuntis ko sila... Hanggang sa nakasanayan na siguro ni Zhara na naririnig ang boses mo."

He bit his lip and covered his face with his hands. "P-Pinaglihian mo ang boses ko?" Tanong niya.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "O-Oo. Hindi ako nakakatulog kapag hindi ko naririnig ang boses mo." My eyes started to drown in tears.

He muttered a cuss, and slammed the steering wheel. "Fuck,"

I let out a deep breath as my tears cascade down from my eyes. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na humikbi ng malakas dahil natatakot akong magising ang kambal.

"Do you think they will like me? They were so mad at me earlier when..." I saw his Adam's apple move. "They saw you cried because of me... Do you think they will still accept me as their Daddy?" he asked, hoping I would say yes.

"Oo naman. Hindi ko pinalaki ang mga anak natin na magtanim ng sama ng loob sayo. Gabi gabi, palagi ko silang kinikwentuhan ng tungkol sayo para kahit hindi ka nila nakikita, nararamdaman naman nila kung anong klase kang tao."

He bit his lips. "Anak natin... Fuck, sounds music to my ears." He whispered, getting emotional again.

NOONG makarating kami sa Silvermoon Tower ay bubuhatin ko na sana sila nang maunahan na ako ni Zachariah. He quickly carried Zhara in his arms. Nagkatinginan kami nang hindi ako kumilos para buhatin si Zacki. 

He gazes at me. "Do you want me to carry him too?" He asked.

I swallowed hard and nodded. He sighed at mabilis na binuhat sa magkabilang braso ang Kambal. I bit my lips and closed the car door.

Zacki was in a deep sleep, so he unconsciously enveloped his arms in Zach's neck. I saw Zach stiffen, and his gaze softened because of it. Napakagat ako sa nasaksihan.

We rode an elevator, and I'm the one who entered our floor. Ilang sandali pa at nasa harapan na kami ng unit namin. I scanned my fingerprint and opened the lights inside.

"Where's your room?" I heard Zach's baritone voice behind my back.

"Dito," mabilis akong naglakad papunta sa isang kwarto at binuksan ang ilaw sa loob.

His eyes quickly surveyed the whole bedroom. Isang queen size bed iyon na nilagyan ko ng extra foam na may bakal sa gilid para kung sakaling iikot sila at lalagpas sa kama ay hindi sila mahuhulog sa sahig. Nagmistulan iyong crib dahil may harang sa gilid. May mga laruan na nakalagay sa apat na basket. The pink basket belongs to Zhara, while the blue one belongs to Zacki. There is also a shelf for Zacki's books and Zhara's kitchen toys. The bedroom is light gray with a chandelier on the ceiling.

Maingat niyang inihiga ang kambal sa kama. Gusto kong matawa nang makita kung paano niya pigilan ang paghinga habang dahan-dahan na inilalapag sa kama ang kambal. He was too careful not to disturb the twins in their sleep, and I appreciate it.

Kahit naibaba niya na ang dalawa ay nakatayo pa rin siya sa dulo ng kama habang nakatutok pa rin sa natutulog na kambal ang mga mata niya.

Tumikhim ako para makuha ang atensyon niya. "G-Gabi na pala..." pambasag ko sa katahimikan.

His brows arched when he glanced at me. "Are you asking me to leave?" He asked mockingly.

Bahagyang umawang ang labi ko nang makita ang pinaghalong galit at sakit sa mga mata niya. I shook my head. " W-Wala naman ako sinasabi..." I murmured.

His eyes narrowed at me. "Can I sleep here tonight?"

Natahimik ako saglit bago tumango. "S-Sige. Sa kabilang kwarto kana lang matulog tutal wala naman si Jel ngayon," sagot ko.

"Who's Jel? Is that a guy?" he asked in a darkened state.

"Pinsan ko," sabi ko dahil baka kung ano na naman ang isipin niya.

I saw him lick his lower lip and look at me. "Let's talk outside," he commanded.

"Okay, teka." Mabilis akong lumapit sa kambal at nilagyan sila ng unan sa magkabilang gilid.

Ramdam ko ang malamig na trato sa'kin ni Zachariah. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi dahil tinaguan ko siya ng anak sa mahabang panahon. If he hates me so much because of what I did, I understand. I deserve this kind of treatment from him. Hindi ako mapapagod na humingi ng tawad sa kanya.

Pareho kaming nakaupo sa mahabang sofa ni Zachariah pero may malaking space sa gitna at walang naglalakas loob na magsalita.

"Ariella," I turned my head in his direction when he suddenly called my name. "Can you tell me everything about your pregnancy? Anong mga pinaglihian mo? Sinong kasama mo sa hospital when you gave birth? Did you have a normal delivery or cesarian?" He stated in a low pitched voice after long silence.

I blinked, and I unconsciously licked my lip. "Sa hospital nina Khriz ako nanganak, Areno Medical Center. Ang Mommy niya ang OB ko habang ang ate niya ang Pedia ng kambal. The Altamirano's helped me. I had cesarean operation. I am sensitive with Coffee habang pinagbubuntis ko ang kambal. Ayoko sa amoy ng cheese at bawang. I always crave banana cue and green mangoes. I also got addicted to taho and ice cream. Sinasawsaw ko iyong crust ng pizza sa ice cream," Nanginginig ang boses ko habang patuloy sa paglandas ang aking mga luha. 

"It must have been tough for you." He says his eyes were clouded in tears. "If I only knew that you were pregnant that time, I would do everything and risk everything to stay here and be with you even if you push me away." He swallowed hard, on the verge of crying.

I sobbed.

"I-I should have been there... I should have been there when you gave birth when the twins had their first walk, crawl, talk, grow their teeth, everything. I am sorry for not being there when you were craving something. Sorry kasi wala ako noong mga panahon na napupuyat ka para maalagaan ang Kambal. I'm so mad at myself, milady." Tears cascade down his soft cheeks.

Napaawang ang labi ko nang tumulo na naman ang luha sa mga mata niya. Parang sinasakal na naman ang dibdib ko habang pinapakinggan siyang humikbi.

Umiling ako at kahit nanginging ang mga kamay ko'y hinawakan ko pa rin ang mukha niya, paharap sa'kin. "No, Zach. Don't be mad at yourself. Wala kang kasalanan. Hindi mo kasalanan kung umalis ka para tuparin ang mga pangarap mo. Not even once did I blame you for what happened because I know you are blameless."

"But it hurt so bad... When you left my condo that day, I-I followed you outside even though my hand was bleeding so bad. I saw you crying on the street, not minding the bullet of rain on your body. I want to run to you and beg again until you take back everything you said, but before I even move my feet, I saw Dwight. You left that day with him while I was left alone,"

The pain was overflowing, and it was hard for me to breathe. Nilamukos ko ang suot kong damit habang patuloy sa paghikbi.

I'm the girl in the painting.

Umiling ako at sunod-sunod na humikbi. "I lied... I lied, Zach. Sinabi ko lang iyon para pumayag ka nang makipaghiwalay sa akin," saad ko.

Mabilis siyang yumuko at tinakpan ang mukha gamit ang mga kamay. Gumagalaw ang mga balikat niya dahil sa pag-iyak.  "I want to stay so bad... I really wanted to but you push me away. Kaya nga hindi ko na sinabi na aalis ako after graduation dahil simula noong makilala kita, nawalan na ako ng amor na umalis. You're the only reason I wanted to stay here, yet you pushed me away like I was nothing..."

"Because it was for your own good, Zach. All of my sacrifices were for you to have a better future. Ayokong masira ang pangarap mo dahil sa'kin... Ayoko at hindi ko kakayanin."

"Hindi masisira, Ariella. Walang masisira..." Hikbi niya. "Basta kasama kita kakayanin ko ang lahat ng hirap, lahat ng sakit, lahat ng lungkot, basta kasama kita, kasi mahal na mahal kita, fuck," he muttered a cuss and frustratedly raked his hair.

"I'm sorry, Zach. I'm sorry for hurting you so much. I'm sorry for leaving you and for breaking your heart. Maiintindihan ko kung galit ka sa akin, I will totally understand it." Hikbi ko.

"Do you really think I am mad at you? No. Never. I was just disappointed because you hid them from me, but I'm not mad at you because I understand you. I understand your reasons." He said and cupped my face. "Ariella, Thank you for bringing our child into this world." Napapikit ako nang mabilis niya akong binalot ng yakap. "Thank you for being the mother of my child," He uttered.

After we had a thorough conversation, I made him some coffee to drink. Pinahiram ko siya ng damit na hiniram ko lang kay Jel. Panigurado naman akong kakasya sa kanya ang damit ni Jel. Sana.

I just came out of the bathroom because I took a night's shower. I quit combing my hair when I heard a knock on the door. Naglakad ako papalapit at binuksan ang pinto. My mouth parted when I saw Zachariah outside our bedroom, wearing a fitted beige color shirt and basketball shorts. Mas naging halata ang paglaki ng braso at katawan niya dahil sa suot na damit. His veins in his arms were exposed and seemed to burst.

"Is that my shirt you're wearing?" He asked curiously while his eyebrows creased.

Napasinghap ako at mabilis na umiling. "Hindi, 'ah!" I lied.

Gaga ka, Ariella!

His lips parted for a sarcastic smile while scanning me from head to toe. "You're not even wearing a bra, nice," he said mockingly.

"Bastos ka, 'ah!" saad ko at mabilis na tinakpan ang dibdib ko.

He let out a chortle. "As if I haven't saw that? Zacki and Zhara are the proof," he even pointed to our sleeping child! Sira ulo 'to!

"Anong bang ginagawa mo dito, Silvestre?!" I asked, glaring at him.

He bit his lips, trying not to smile or something. "Can I stay here for a while? I want to watch them sleep. Lilipat din ako mamaya sa kabilang kwarto," saad niya.

Napairap ako. "Okay," sagot ko at tinalikuran siya.

I went towards the twins. Palagi akong humihiga sa gitna dahil pareho nila akong gustong katabi but today, tumabi ako kay Zacki habang si Zach ay pumunta sa gilid ni Zhara. Napalunok ako nang kinumotan kami ni Zach bago siya nahiga ng maayos, nakatagilid sa gawi ko.

"Matutulog na ako," I muttered and kissed the twins on their forehead. "Good night," ani ko sa kanya.

Pakiramdam ko'y namula na naman ako nang gayahin ni Zach ang paghalik ko sa noo ng kambal but what made my face blushed even more was when he also planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Good night, Mama," he uttered teasingly at inirapan ko na lang siya kahit kumalabog na naman ang puso ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Pumikit na ako at pinilit ang sarili na makatulog.

AS USUAL, nagising akong natutulog pa ang kambal. I smiled, and stretched out a little bago dumiretso sa banyo at naghilamos ng mukha. I brushed my hair and fixed it into a messy bun before I went out. Magluluto na muna ako ng breakfast. Nagulat ako nang makitang nasa living room si Zach at may kausap sa phone. I thought he left already.

"Tell my secretary to cancel all my meetings. Cancel everything. Yes, I don't give a damn. Just tell them I won't go to the office for a week, Yeah... It's a family matter, Leoniel. Yes, Thank you, dude."

I walked near him. "Pero may meeting ka mamaya kasama ang director ng Crestlife Inc mamayang 11 am." saad ko nang humarap siya sa akin.

His eyebrows crumpled, and placed his phone on the coffee table. "Do you think I can't abandon my work for my family? This is my business, Ariella. My family is my business," he casually said. "My company can do its job even without me. That's why we have employees. If you are really bothered about the meeting, don't worry, I'll send someone to attend the meeting," he said sarcastically.

"Ang daming sinabi," bulong ko pero narinig pa rin niya.

Tatalikuran ko na sana siya para pumunta sa kusina nang marinig ko ang boses ng kambal. Nagmamadali akong pumasok pabalik sa kwarto at alam kong sinundan kaagad ako ni Zach.

"Mama!" Zhara instantly embraced me when I got near them.

"Mama, I thought you left us," saad ni Zacki at niyakap ako ng mahigpit.

"No, baby. Bakit naman aalis si Mama na hindi kayo kasama?" saad ko at hinalikan sila sa tuktok ng ulo.

"Oh my! Mama, nandito si Mister Grumpy?! Hello! Good Morning!" Zhara waved his hand at his father, who was watching us from a distant.

His Adam's apple move. "M-morning, princess..." his lips trembled.

"Why is he here, Mama? Is he your friend?" Tanong ng anak ko.

I bit my lip. "Y-Yes, He's my friend."

Bigla naman akong napalingon sa direksyon ng tatay nila nang biglang siya umubo ng sobrang lakas. I raised an eyebrow at him. He quickly averted his gaze from me.

"Baby," I trailed off. "Diba gusto niyo na mameet ang daddy niyo?"  I asked calmly.

"Yes, Mama! I want to meet Daddy so bad, Mama..." Zhara answered, pouting.

"Zhara, anak. Zacki, baby... This man in front of you," I trailed off and looked at Zach, who was looking at us with longing in his eyes. "He's your daddy, anak." My voice cracked.

"He's my daddy, Mama?" Zacki asked.

"Yes, He's your daddy..." I uttered while nodding.

Nakita ko ang pag-awang ng bibig ni Zhara at ang pamumula kaagad ng mga mata at ilong niya. Humikbi siya habang nakatingin sa mukha ng ama. Si Zacki naman ay mabilis na yumakap sa akin, nagtatago.

"D-Daddy ko," Zhara uttered.

Zach walked in front of the twins and bent down so they could be on the same level. "Hi," Zach waved his hands at the twins.

"Daddy! You're here... Hindi na po ikaw busy, Daddy?" Zhara asked in a hopeful voice while sobbing.

"Hindi na, baby... Daddy is finally here," Zach's voice cracked and his lips trembled. "Don't cry, princess..."

"I miss you so much, Daddy..." Zhara cried so loud that it made my heart break. "Daddy, don't leave us again, please..." Yumakap si Zhara sa leeg ni Zach at doon umiyak.

Napatingin ako sa isa ko pang anak, Zacki. Kumikibot-kibot ang labi niya habang nakatingin sa  kapatid at sa ama niyang magkayakap. His eyes started to soaked in tears. "Mama, is he really our Dad? Is he really here? I'm not hallucinating, Mama?" He asked, his voice full of hopefulness.

Tumango ako habang liham ng luha ang mga mata ko. "Yes, baby." I sobbed.

"Daddy ko," Zacki pulled the hem of Zach's shirt and he quickly turned his head at my son.

"Zacki, my son..." he uttered as his tears cascade down his cheeks. He sobs while hugging Zacki.

Si Zhara ay lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako. Hinalikan ko siya sa tuktok ng ulo.

"I-I missed you so much, Daddy. There's no day we didn't think of you... Daddy don't leave us again..." Zacki sobbed and Zhara did the same.

"My babies," Zach enveloped Zacki and Zhara in his arms. Dahil nakayakap sa'kin Si Zhara ay pati ako, nayakap niya. "I'm s-sorry for making you wait for me mga anak ko..." nahihirapang saad ni Zach.

"We understand that you're just busy working for us. Mama told us that you were working in the far away land kaya hindi ikaw pwede uwi dito... I love you, Daddy." Mahabang saad ni Zacki.

"I love you, Daddy!" Zhara cried.

"Daddy won't leave anymore. I love you more, Zacki. I love you, Zhara. Mahal na mahal kayo ni Daddy." Zach whispered and softly wiped their tears with his thumb.

Napahagulgol ako habang nakatanaw ako sa mga mag-ama ko. This is the best view I've ever seen in my entire life, and I will forever cherish this moment.

*****