36. Mujhe maaf kar dijiye (I'm sorry)

•°•

- priya -

I was placing the lit-up diya in the in-house temple when there was movement behind me. Soon a hand snuck past me and reached out to pick one of the flowers offered to the deity. I slapped my husband's hand, smiling at the hiss that escaped his lips even though I hadn't even hit that hard. He still didn't drop the flower, such a rebellion, and retracted his hand, which seconds later I felt prodding around my loose wet bun.

"You're going to hell," I commented, adding a few more fresh blooms from the basket and asking for forgiveness on my husband's behalf.

"Woh kyun? (And why is that?)" He placed his chin on my shoulder, his arms wrapping around my waist.

"Aditya, leave me. Anyone can see us here." I said trying to get free of his grip. But I was powerless in front of him. Both physically and emotionally. "You're definitely ending up in hell. First, you stole a flower from the temple, and now you're romancing in front of God?" I shook my head, making my dramatic disappointment obvious.

"Toh kya? (So what?)" He shot back sassily. "Isn't he posing with his girlfriend over there, chilled out and all?"

I gasped, looking over my shoulder at him as my hand reached out to cup his mouth. "At least mince your words," I warned him.

He rolled his eyes. "If he does it then it's fair, but if I do then I'm being offensive?"

I knocked on his forehead, wishing to put some sense in there. "Hear that voice? It's all empty inside. No wonder you say stupid stuff." I shrugged, turning back around.

"I don't say stupid stuff. I say romantic stuff." He snorted.

"Same difference," I retorted.

"Look here, biwi," he grabbed my wrist and spun me around to face him, making my heart skyrocket into my chest. I swear he gives me the feeling of floating in the skies with my feet still firmly planted on the ground. And all he has to do is regard me with that intense look and call me some stupid, cheesy nickname, which any other time, from someone else's mouth, would have made me awkward and cringe. "Don't provoke me,"

I held back the urge to smile.

"Or what?" I did just that.

"Or I would have told you what's in my head, in clear freaking words, if we weren't standing here," he stated, glancing behind me at the figurines of deity.

My face flushed red.

A satisfied smirk appeared at the corner of his lips. So smug.

"Priya, yeh aaloo dekhna agar mandir ka kaam ho gaya ho toh! (Priya, if you're done with the temple, come and check these potatoes!)" Aditya's mom's voice rang loud and clear from the kitchen.

My heart sunk when Aditya pulled away, the void of his proximity depriving me of his bodily warmth.

"Jao, Priya, (Go, Priya)" he grinned lopsided, tilting his head as a gesture to get me moving. I hurried away as fast as my feet allowed me.

Mom pointed towards the gas stove where the potatoes were put to boil while she was busy kneading the dough. I nodded and went to check on them. Poking the tip of the knife through one to see if it goes in easily, I turned off the gas when it passed the test.

I washed them under cool water to reduce the heat emanating before I began peeling each and keeping them separated from the unpeeled ones.

I can't believe what happened back there. No, not his flirting, it's usual now. But my body's reaction. Despite knowing how much sex with him hurts, my legs still grow weak in the knees hearing his voice and my thighs clench together at his charming grins. It's the touch that shoots alarm bells off in my head, disappearing any and all effect he has on me.

But I knew he caught the glint of want in my eyes. The way he looked me up and down, smirking so cockily, so aware of the effect he has on me. It might give him wrong signals. That I want sex. Which I once did, but not anymore.

For the last two nights, after the conversation between Nisha bhabhi, Preeti, and I, I've begun faking my moans. I didn't want him to think sex with me is boring. Nisha bhabhi put it so crudely, indirectly almost comparing me to a dead fish. I shook the bits of conversation out of my head.

The major part of it was communication.

I can't believe I had once fussed about him not doing the same. I was so frustrated that he continued to ignore me instead of talking it out. And when he did, I was so relieved. But that was nothing compared to the truth I'm hiding.

And unlike him, I'm not ignoring him.

So what he doesn't know, will never hurt him, right?

Maybe I can help myself reach an orgasm? Masturbation, is it? I can use my fingers or something, anything that can get me wet enough before we have intercourse. That way, it won't hurt and I might even enjoy it!

I nodded, I can do that.

"Darling, you just have to peel the skin, not scoop out the body as well." I snapped out of my daze and found my fingers dug into the boiled potato, ready to scoop out some more and throw it in the trash. "Sorry," I whispered, putting the potato aside and picking another one.

"Sab thik hai? (Is everything okay?)" She asked me softly.

I looked up from the kitchen island, meeting her eyes. "Yeah, everything is fine."

She nodded. "Don't rush the breakfast. It's weekend anyway, no one will be demanding to be fed before ten." She smiled at me.

I hummed.

"Priya," Meghna came to the kitchen, holding out my vibrating phone towards me. I had put it to charge in the living room after scrolling through my emails. "Your cousin Ketaki is calling,"

I looked down at my hands which were coated with the sticky residue of the boiled potatoes.

"Want me to answer it and put it on speaker?"

"Yeah, sure," I murmured.

"Priya,"

"Good morning -"

To my shock, Mami's voice cut through mine like a shrill car horn.

"Priya, yeh mein kya sun rahi hoon? Tune kaha kya apne mama se ki hum apne purane ghar mein shift ho jaaye? Agar itna hi humse problem hai toh- (What is this I'm hearing, Priya? Did you tell your Uncle that we shift back to our old home? If you have so many problems with us-"

Meghna quickly turned off the speaker mode while I froze in shame and embarrassment. Without bothering to wash my hands, I quickly wiped them off the apron and excused myself out of the kitchen after grabbing my phone from her.

I entered the bedroom, catching the attention of Aditya, who shot up straight in alarm seeing the expressions on my face.

"Mami, the phone was on speaker," I said in a trembling voice.

"Accha hai, tumhare sasural vaalo ko bhi pata chale tum kaisa vyavhar karti ho unke saath jinhone tumhe zindagi bhar paala posa. Yeh tumhara return gift hai kya? Bilkul apni maa par gayi ho- (Good, let them know how you treat the people who treated you as their family. Is this your return gift? You're just like your mother-"

"Mami!" I cut her off weakly. "I swear I did not say a word to Mama. In fact, he was the one to bring up about moving out. Please trust me." I pleaded as tears pooled up in my eyes.

"Toh ab tum unse baat karo, aur unke dimag se yeh khayal nikalo! Kya chahti ho tum? Tumhare Bhai behen uss chawl mein jaake rahein!? (Then you talk him out of it! Or do you want your cousins to live in those damn slums!?)" She spat out the word as though she was repulsed by it.

"No," I whispered. "I'll speak to him." I added firmly.

"You better." She hung up without another word.

"Priya-" I flung myself in Aditya's arms, burying my face into his chest as his strong arms gently wrapped around me, embracing me close. "Shh, meri jaan, sab thik ho jayega, (Shh, my love, everything will turn out fine,)" he rubbed my back soothingly as I sniffled and fought back the tears wanting to trail down my cheeks. I pulled away a minute later and he hooked his finger under my chin, lifting my head so our eyes could meet. "Do you want to talk about it?"

And pull you into my family mess? No.

"Just my mami being herself," I forced a smile.

"I didn't want to eavesdrop but she wasn't being any secretive either. She was blaming you, wasn't she?"

I shrugged.

"You seem used to it," he murmured, brushing away the wet trails with the gentle stroke of his thumbs. "Tell me, please. Maybe I can help?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing, really. I'll handle it."

He sighed in defeat but he knew better than to push the buttons. I didn't really want him to know the toxicity that runs in my family. I don't want him to pity me. And I definitely don't want him to think of me as someone who is weak-willed and easy to walk over. He liked me because of the tough front I put up for the world, I wish to stay like that in his eyes.

"Itni ziddi kyun ho, meri jaan? (Why are you so stubborn, meri jaan?)" He smiled at me fondly.

"Because I'm a Shrivastava." I returned cheekily. "And to top it off, Mrs. Aditya Shrivastava."

A chuckle broke through his luscious blush lips. "Getting audacious, are we?" His lips pulled up in an insolent smirk as he backed me up against the closest wall.

"What is with you and walls?" I rolled my eyes.

"They help me trap you so you can never run from me," he whispered in a low voice.

A shiver wracked down my spine, rendering me frozen and speechless. "You sound like a creep," I said, just to jest him.

"With you as the object of my desire, I don't mind being a creep. As long as I have you, I can be anything, from a sinner to a saint." He pressed his body against mine, every inch of him making every inch of mine aware of his proximity.

"You should be a writer," I breathed out hoarsely.

"So it worked?" He chuckled, pulling away with mirth in his voice. I frowned. To release me from the bounding curiosity, he nodded towards the unfinished book on the bed. "Criminal's Desire," he said, amused at the way I rapidly burnt in embarrassment. I can't believe I was turned on by that stupid, cringe dialogue. "But I did improvise it, huh, replacing the word insane with creep." He added impudently.

"It was stupid! Like I said earlier! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I growled at him, turning around to leave the darned room.

He caught my wrist and yanked me back to the previous position. I tried to set myself free. "Let me go!" I glared up at him.

"Or what? You're gonna let your claws out, Miss. Kitten?"

I pursed my lips in displeasure at the nickname. "No! But I definitely don't mind using my nails."

"Ooh, I'm so scared." He feigned a tremble.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the smile.

"Keep smiling like this. I like it more when you smile." He confessed softly.

My heart swelled up even more at the honesty in his voice.

"And you have an ugly cry anyway,"

I gasped in extreme offense. "Aditya!" I screeched while he stumbled out of the room laughing heartily. With him gone, my fake anger faded as well, replaced with another grin. And you're telling me to throw this away for a successful round of sex? I'd rather not.

I tried to gather up the courage to go back to the kitchen and resume as if nothing happened but I didn't want to see the look of pity on their faces.

It was my fault to think a call from my maternal house, if not from Preeti or Mama, means anything good. I really thought it was Ketaki calling me. Maybe for a few extra bucks, or to get her permission from her mother for a school trip, not Mami herself to blow upon me like my sole aim in life is to ruin her happiness.

Maybe I should try talking to Mama right now? It'll also buy me some time before I've to face Aditya's mom and Meghna. Nodding to myself, I sat down on the couch and unlocked my phone.

Hi, Mama. Can you call me if you're free?

He answered back with a call almost immediately.

"Yes, bacche?" He greeted gently.

"Good morning," I wished and got one in return. "I wanted to talk to you about your decision of moving out, Mama," I spoke in a quiet and calm voice. "Are you still positive about it?"

"Yes." He answered firmly.

I sighed. "Give it another thought, Mama. I don't think there's any need for you to move out. And it's not my or Preeti's house alone. It belongs to Ketaki and Saransh as well. Don't they deserve to live in the place where they rightfully belong?"

"But the truth is, they don't, Priya. What rightfully belongs to them is the house I've built for them. Their father."

"Mama-"

"No, Priya, my decision is not changing."

"Mama, Ketaki is so young now. She has to commute from places to home at late hours. Do you really think she'll feel as much safe as she is feeling now? And Saransh, and his friends, all go out to play cricket every evening in our playground. Think of the things they'll be missing out because of-"

"So you're saying the place I bought from my hard-earned money, poured my blood and sweat into is not safe enough or, civil enough for my kids to live a happening life?" He asked in a disheartening tone.

My stomach clenched in shock. "No, Mama! I did not mean-"

"It's okay. But don't forget Priya, the house is the same which once provided a roof over all of our heads. It's been only five years since we shifted to the new apartment. The kids will learn to adjust again." He sighed disappointedly. I closed my eyes in regret. I definitely did not intend to put down or disrespect the house that was my home for more than ten years. Why do I always have to mess up!?

"Mama, I'm really sorry. I seriously meant-"

"I said it's okay. And if your Mami is harassing you again about this, just block her and the kids. Focus on your married life, Priya. I don't want to disappoint my sister." He murmured before hanging up.

I tossed the phone aside, slumping into my hands in exhaustion. I can't believe I can mess up so big. Mami is surely going to have my head for dinner if she comes to know I failed again. I hate disappointing people. I've already disappointed two in the span of a few hours, let's just hope there's no more turbulence to face.

A knock on the door straightened me up. "Yes?"

Aditya opened the door and peeked inside with a smile. "Aa jaa, meri jaan. Breakfast tayyar hai. (Come on, Meri Jaan. Breakfast is ready.)"

Just his sight, and I felt so relieved. Forcing a smile on my face, I got up, immediately reaching out to hold his hand as he guided me out and towards the dining table.

I avoided looking at Meghna and Aditya's mom during the whole breakfast, keeping my eyes focused on my plate. Glad that I'm not forced to talk because the family is already used to my silence at the dining table, I finished my Paratha quietly and then retreated to the bedroom with Aditya.

His hands reached out to hold my waist the moment we were inside. It was not an innocent touch, but rather a suggestive one. My body grew tensed. This man is never satisfied.

"Aditya, I've work," I said coyly, turning around in his arms while he pulled me closer. My hands flew up to clutch his shoulders while his gaze drifted lower to latch onto my visible cleavage.

"I only need ten minutes," he cocked a brow at me, his fingers reaching to unhook my blouse.

"But I can't walk for at least an hour after your ten minutes!" I grunted, holding his wrist back.

He smirked.

If only he knew my words insinuated entirely opposite of what he was thinking.

"Tonight then?" He pouted at me.

"Hmm," I responded, heaving a sigh of relief when he let me go and walked past me to his bookshelf after dropping a kiss on my cheek.

While he settled himself on the couch, I went to his desk which almost feels like it belongs to me now. I rarely see him work here.

Instead of logging into my company database, I pulled open a browser and searched up various ways to get a woman turned on and extremely wet down there.

As I said, the internet is a great place.

In less than two hours, I was knowledgeable about a woman's vagina, clitoris, and the G-Spot. It spooked me to think I'll have to stick my fingers inside to hit that spot but if done right, it can actually get me an orgasm. I wish I had read about this stuff earlier. Maybe I did, when I was in my teens. Back then I was too scared to play around with my lady parts. And then work ate me up.

Along with those articles, I also downloaded a few erotic novels, including Criminal's Desire. Because why not? And then I dove into a whole new world where sex was glorified as the most euphoric experience of a human's life.

"Priya -" I was startled so hard I slammed my laptop shut. Aditya looked at me suspiciously. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I whispered, "What is it?"

"Mom has been calling everyone for lunch, did you not listen?"

No. I was too engrossed reading as a mafia man shoved his freaking gun down his girlfriend's vagina.

"Ye-Yeah, let's go," I said, getting up and grimacing at the sticky mess between my legs. God, I can't believe I was turned on by such a grotesque and horrible sex scene. She was enjoying it though. The female lead, I mean. It almost made me envision myself in place of her with Aditya.

I chuckled just by imagining Aditya holding a gun and grinning maliciously. He'll probably even make that look adorable for some reason.

"What?" Aditya cocked a brow at me in question.

I cleared my throat, shaking my head wildly. "Let's go," I whispered. He looked at me weirdly. "C'mon!" I grunted, ushering him out with my hands pushed up against his broad back. I subtly felt his muscles through his shirt on our way to the dining table.

We sat down along with everyone else. I served myself and took a bite, coughing out aloud when a large hand snaked around my thigh.

"Careful!" Avinash hunched forward, pouring a glass of water and pushing it towards me.

I took a sip, heaving a relieved sigh when Aditya pulled his hand away and continued eating his lunch. He is so bold and spontaneous, one day it's going to give me a heart-attack.

After lunch, I stayed back to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. By the time I was done, Aditya was taking a nap on the couch, soaking in the gentle rays of sun sneaking through the windows.

I got back to the desk and picked up my laptop, continuing the book from where I had left off abruptly. Sometimes they did things that made me question their sanity, and also mine. Because, well, I was actually enjoying it. I almost felt like a freak. But then I remembered it is the same book I had once spotted Aditya reading, and he was hooked to it until he finished it. Then my mind wandered to the forbidden thoughts, ignoring my body that tenses up at the thought of real sex.

Was Aditya thinking about me when he was reading this book?

Here the man does enough foreplay to prepare his woman, he even uses his mouth, which had me shocked by the way, but again, humans. I shook my head in disgust.

So why was Aditya skipping through the good parts like a giggling schoolgirl hopping through sunflower fields!?

Fine, if he forgets about it, I'll do it myself. I'll prepare myself before the main thing. Then it'll not hurt so horribly. And if I'm lucky enough, I might even learn to enjoy it.

My cellphone rang, flinching me from my thoughts. I quickly lurched forward to silence it, eliminating the risk to wake Aditya from his sleep. It was Preeti calling me.

"Hi,"

"Did something happen between you and Mami?" She asked me skipping the greetings.

"Why? Did she say something to you?" My blood boiled at the thought. I won't sit back and hear her blurt out garbage anymore if she drags my sister into this.

"No, but she is throwing around taunts and the kitchen isn't the quietest place as of now in the house," she muttered softly.

I sighed, rubbing my temples in frustration. "Mama wants to move out, along with the family."

"What!?" Preeti gasped. "But why!?"

"I don't know. He told me on the night of my birthday," I said quietly, sparing a conscious glance at Aditya. I hope he is fast asleep.

"And you didn't try to change his decision?"

"Preeti," I said sternly.

"So- Sorry. You definitely must have." She sounded guilty, melting my anger completely. "Should I try talking to him? I don't want to live in this huge ass house alone. And the old house is not big enough to shelter five people."

"Also, I don't think Mami will entertain the idea of you tagging along if she is forced to shift there in the end," I added thoughtfully.

"Yeah," she agreed. "God, Di, come back. Leave Aditya." She whined.

I chuckled. "Try talking to him. But don't agree if he asks you to move along with them. You know Mami will make your life living hell there."

She hummed. "I just want to get married as soon as possible and have a family. Lucky you!" She tutted.

I felt a huge blow of guilt in my guts. It was the reason why I was trying to get her married off before I was forced to get hitched with a divorcee or a widow against my will. Not that I've anything against men who wants to marry again, but the most that I met, weren't really nice ones either. I did go ahead on more than three dates with a single father, all because his kid was cute, but then he told me if we do get married, he wants me to make his daughter and him my first priority and my company, the second. Which also meant, that I either work from home or stop working at all.

And that makes me think how lucky I'm to have Aditya in my life.

"You'll have a family too, Preeti. Soon. Just like I got one. And I hope whoever ends up becoming your partner, is nothing less than Aditya."

"Yeah, for that I'll have to carve my fate with gold." She scoffed. "Don't ever make my Jiju sad. He is a gem!"

I smiled. "That he is. And I promise I'll never make him sad. Never."

"Good." She chuckled. "Accha, bye now. I've so many assignments pending. I'll keep you updated about this whole moving-out fiasco. Bye!"

"Bye," she hung up before I could even complete the word. Putting the phone on the desk, I got up from the chair and moved toward Aditya's sleeping figure.

I felt like a creep watching him but he just looks so adorable. Crouching to my knees, I brushed my hand through his tousled dark locks. He sighed in contentment, the open book sliding down his grip and onto the side. I picked it up, closed it, and put it on the table before doing the same with his glasses.

Getting up to move back to the desk, I turned around only to be stopped by a gentle grip around my wrist. Aditya tugged me close, his hooded eyes regarding me with an inviting look. I obliged, lying down beside him on the small couch. He turned to the side to make space for me and almost shoved me inside his chest. I held back a smile, closing my eyes and falling asleep along with him.

I don't know for how long I was asleep, but I stirred awake after feeling a pair of lips kiss my neck and collarbones. I sighed, opening my eyes, the sleep flying out of the window when I registered what was happening. Upon seeing me awake, Aditya quickly reached to lock our lips together. The restraint in his eyes broke down to show the growing desire. I interlaced my fingers around his nape, moaning when he licked my lower lip before sucking on it gently.

Then I felt his hand move towards the pleats of my saree and panic kicked in.

"No!" I blurted out loud and clear, throwing his hand off me.

He stopped immediately, lifting himself to gaze at me.

I swallowed at the look on his face. He looked hurt because of the rejection.

God, why did I have to be so straightforward? I was just trying to avoid the pain now that I know a way to get rid of it.

"What happened?" He whispered.

"I- I- just -"

"You don't want it? Do-Don't want me?"

"No!" I reacted immediately. "I just- I'm- this is my favourite saree and I-" oh god, I was so bad at coming up with excuses. "It's not really what you think it is-"

He got off me and I scrambled to sit straight. Jesus Christ, now I mess up!? Now!? When I finally have a solution! Why am I so unlucky!?

"Aditya-"

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "Just because I'm in the mood, doesn't mean you're in the mood too."

My heart clenched. No, God, no. I feel so guilty.

"But next time put me down a little gently," he smiled at me sheepishly. "You screamed as if I was molesting you," he chuckled, shaking his head.

My breath hitched. "Sorry. I'm really sorry." I scooted forward hurriedly, desperate to close whatever distance I had put between us.

"Hey, it's okay," he cupped my cheek. "In fact, I'm glad you said no because you didn't want it. Just because I'm your husband doesn't mean I have got a free pass to have sex with you whenever I want." He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

My eyes welled up with tears at his response. He is being so nice to me and all I'm doing is lying to his face.

"Priya, God, stop crying. I said it was okay. I did not feel bad at all." He hugged me to his chest.

But I feel bad.

I feel the worse.

That night, I was adamant about not making it painful for me. Just so my body doesn't react violently at his touch. So I wasted an hour in the bathroom, prodding and probing around with my fingers, trying to feel something but nothing, absolutely nothing happened. I even tried to watch porn, but a minute in and I wanted to throw up. So I forced myself to read through the same scenes that I had enjoyed this afternoon, but to no avail, just the thought of having sex made my head muddled with so much anxiety I couldn't even understand a word.

I didn't want to make Aditya wait any longer. What happened this evening had already made me so guilty. Sucking in a deep breath, I forced myself to get up and opened the door.

Aditya smiled at the sight of me.

I walked towards him, desperate to go numb for the next painful ten minutes of my life. After it was done, and he had cleaned me up, I detached myself from his arms, curled up, and berated myself for not knowing something as simple as masturbation. And I was calling him bad in bed. I'm just as dumb if not more.

For the coming few days, though I didn't want to, I began making excuses to get myself out of the situation.

Sometimes I stayed up late massaging Aditya's mother's legs.

Sometimes I had deadlines to catch.

Sometimes the kitchen chores lasted until midnight.

Sometimes I was tired.

I thought I was being smart and sneaky, because I was still talking to Aditya normally, reacting to his flirting, kissing him, basically doing everything except sex. I really thought he wouldn't notice, but really, how thick-headed and obnoxious I had to be to draw out such a conclusion?

"You're avoiding having sex with me."

My breath shallowed and my stomach dropped. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"No!" I still lied, afraid of the confrontation.

"Really?" He had stoned his face to appear blank. "Let's do it then. At least two rounds." He began removing his shirt.

I froze in shock and internal panic. Two rounds!?

He sighed, dropping his hands as he looked at me keenly. "You stiffened."

"No!" I was not ready! I was not ready for this conversation, for God's sake!

"Am I bad?" He asked, hurt etched on his face.

"N- No," I stuttered.

"I'm horrible, aren't I?" He smiled mirthlessly.

"No," I closed the distance between us.

"The truth, Priya," he tore me off him, holding me at an arm's length. "tell me the truth!"

"It's nothing -"

"Why are you avoiding having sex with me!?"

"I'm not-"

"Why, Priya!?" He demanded roughly.

"And I'm telling you-"

"You're not! Just tell me the truth damnit!" He pressured me.

So I burst out. "Because it hurts!" I stepped back, hurling the words at him like he was at fault. When he was not. "It hurts and it's painful and it's so uncomfortable!"

Not the best way to break the news but okay. At least she is out with it.

For the next chapter, we'll be switching back to Aditya's pov.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment. Makes my day.