45. Dar tha, dhoka nahi (it was my fear, not a betrayal)

•°•

This is not how I wanted her to find it out. To be honest, I never wanted her to find it out. As selfish as the thought is, I wanted him to keep it a secret forever. I never wanted her to know about his feelings for her, for they corner mine in a box of insecurities. But now she knows, and not in a nice way. If she heard the whole thing, she also heard the way he said it, and that, that hurts me the most. He said it like she was an inconvenience now that he can't have her, as though it was her fault he fell in love with her.

I pressed the elevator button relentlessly, swearing under my breath because it was taking too long to come down. I dumped the idea of taking an elevator and instead opted for the stairs.

"Adi, don't rush! It's seven floors!" Bhai shouted after me.

I paid no heed to his words, desperate to get back to her so I can explain myself. I'm sure she feels betrayed and lied to. Hearing the footsteps behind, I glanced over my shoulder, spotting Bhai follow me just as quickly.

"Adi, you'll need an inhaler!" He snapped.

It was all his fault.

All his and that good-for-nothing friend of his!

I wanted to cry so fucking bad. Wiping the tears that fell with the end of my sleeves, I huffed out a long breath. My footsteps slowed after the fourth floor and he caught up to me immediately.

"Adi!" He grabbed my arm when I bent over my knees.

I shoved him off. "Don't touch me!"

"I'm sorry!" He panted harshly, tears brimming his eyes. "It's all my fault."

I scoffed, forcing myself to climb the stairs. He followed me quietly.

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." He whispered through rugged breaths.

"Shut up!"

"Tell her it's all my fault. Throw the blame on me." He tried to hold my shoulder.

"Just shut up!" I glared at him.

He flinched back slightly.

"What am I gonna say to her now!?" I hissed, resting against the handrail in defeat. "I knew everything and I didn't tell her,"

"It's okay. It was my place to tell her, not yours. You gave me a chance, didn't you? I blew it off. I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell her then!?" I growled at him. "Why didn't you tell her!?" I shoved him on the shoulder.

He stumbled back, leaning with a thud against the wall. "Tha- That night when I went to speak with her, we talked about work for a while. Then I asked her a question," he sniffed, falling quiet as a resident from the ascending floor appeared, watching us with a frown as he walked off. "What if you had met my brother when we were in touch with each other after the deal?"

"You were in touch with her after the two years?"

He nodded, "for another two and half years. We didn't meet much, but I used to give her a call once a month. Just to check up on her business, and well, know how she is doing." He shrugged, licking his lower gums.

"What was her answer?"

He bit the inside of his cheek, sniffling harder as his eyes teared up once again. "That maybe she would have gotten married earlier." He whispered. "She said it like she meant it as a joke, but there was an undeniable glow on her face. I never saw it before, never at the sight of me. It was for you." His lips trembled, tears falling heedless. "I knew there was no point telling her. She would reject us both. No woman would want to become the reason for the rift between two brothers. And I- And I was selfish, Adi," he looked up at me guiltily. "I wanted her around." He broke down in sobs, covering his face with his hands.

I shook my head in disbelief.

And I thought he made a sacrifice for me. I thought he did it for me. Who knew it was because, in his twisted mind, it was the only way to keep Priya around.

"You're unbelievable," I said in disgust, turning around to head home as soon as possible since I could breathe normally again.

I was ringing the doorbell impatiently when he came and stood beside me, fortunately not crying anymore. Mom opened the door for us, her eyes shifting to Bhai. She gasped at the sight of him.

"Avi! What happened? Who did this!?" She stepped forward, grabbing his shoulders worriedly.

I made move to walk past her but she grabbed my arm, making me face her. Her eyes fuming at me. "Did you do this!? Did you hit your brother!?" She demanded.

"Mom- " he tried to stop her.

"What is wrong with you, Adi!? How cou-" I shoved her hold off, removing my slippers and walking inside the house. "Adi!" She screamed after me, making me the center of attention as Meghna and Dad watched me stride to my room in confusion. I did not stop to satisfy their curiosity.

Silence greeted me upon entering the room. I looked around, my eyes freezing on the bathroom lights sneaking through the door slit. Walking up to the door, I knocked on it softly.

"Priya?" I called out reluctantly.

She didn't respond.

"Priya, please open the door. I can explain." I murmured. "Priya, meri jaan -"

"Go away, Aditya. I need some time alone." She replied softly.

I rested my forehead against the doorframe, sliding my hand down to my side. "I'm sorry-"

"Just go away, Aditya!" She snapped.

I stood back straight, releasing a heavy sigh. I wasn't used to this tone of her. It saddened me to think I brought this on myself and hurt her so much that she didn't even want to talk to me now.

I slumped on the bed tiredly, leaning in with my elbows planted on the knees. I sat there for a while, just clutching my head in a mournful state, hoping she comes out soon. She didn't.

Fishing out my phone, I checked the time. It was close to midnight. Just as I went to turn the screen off, Vikram's message popped up on the lock screen.

Vikram 🐷: sent you an image.

It had to be a meme. I didn't bother to check the message and slipped the phone back into my pocket. But then I realised I can call him for some advice. He always knows the best thing to say in times like this.

Leaving the room while scrolling through the contacts to find his, I flinched when someone snatched the phone from my hand, causing my head to lift in surprise. Mom stood in front of me, glaring at me furiously. "Did you hit him!?"

"Yes," I answered. "Give my phone back!"

"You hit your brother? Why, Aditya!?" She sounded flabbergasted.

I rubbed my throbbing temples exasperatedly. I'm seriously not in the state of mind to deal with a protective mama hen right now. "Mom, please give my phone back," I requested softly.

"Not before you tell me why you hit your brother!"

"Why don't you ask him!?" I snapped.

"He's not telling me!"

"Exactly! If we're not telling you something, that means we don't want you to pry in. We're not kids anymore, we don't need you to come and sort issues between us."

Her face sagged sadly.

"He is right, Arpita." Dad appeared, taking the phone from her and handing it to me. "There's no point in intruding into their matters if they don't want you to know. They are grown adults-" I didn't stop around to hear any longer. Sliding the doors of the balcony shut, I stood against the banister while pressing Vikram's name on the contact list.

He didn't answer the first call.

"Pick up, duffer," I tried again.

"What?" He grumbled. "I sent you a meme. Why didn't you see it? You never react to my memes! I always do it when you send me-"

"She knows." I cut him off.

"Ah, that's a popular meme song-"

My face contorted in disbelief as I tsked annoyedly, shutting him up. "I meant Priya knows!"

"What!? What does she know? What are you talking about? At least let me know the context!"

"About Bhai and his feelings for her," I answered.

"Oh- Wait what!?" He exclaimed. "Who told her? You? Adi, what's wrong with you? How are you so stupid!? This is why I need to put you on a leash -"

I hung up.

There was no point calling him.

Why would I even think he'll have some great advice to help me out?

He is just as dumb as me if not more.

The phone rang again. I decided to answer in case his drama finally ended.

"Let's meet."

"Now?" I frowned.

"Yes, at our usual spot." He stated.

My frown deepened. "We have a usual spot?"

"We don't?"

"You tell me! You said let's meet at our usual spot!"

"I meant the tea stall. Isn't that our usual spot?"

"Who decided that?"

"I thought such things are decided automatically."

"How does that even happen?" I asked in confusion.

"It does!"

"What a pair of idiots!" I heard Nisha bhabhi scoff. "Just go already! It's already eleven thirty! You promised to take Ashish to funfair tomorrow morning." She reminded sharply.

"Ha! Yaad hai mujhe! (Yes! I remember!)" Vikram grumbled. "Anyway, Adi, I'll see you at our usual- " he clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "I mean at the tea stall." He said hurriedly before hanging up.

I propelled the phone into my pocket and walked back inside the house, startled at the sight of Meghna standing in the middle of the living room.

"Pagal ho kya? Yeh baal khule karke kya bhootni ki tarah ghoom rahi ho? (Are you mad? Why are you roaming around the house with open hair like a ghost?)" I deadpanned. "I almost had a heart attack." I rubbed my chest.

She looked at me with a poker face, reaching out to flatten her frizzy hair by her sides. "I just washed them!" She scoffed. "Anyway, it's Priya right?"

"What?"

"The one-" she stopped abruptly. "The one Bhai loves?" Her voice came down to a whisper. "It's Priya, right?"

I blanched.

"I knew it!" She clasped her hands together triumphantly. "I knew it was her-" I rushed front to clamp my hand on her mouth, shutting her up real quick. Her eyes widened in realisation and she pinched her ear, apologising wordlessly. I pulled away hesitantly. "It's her right? Please tell me I'm right!" She begged.

I forced myself to nod.

She fist pumped against her ribs.

"When did you find out?"

"She came back home pale as a ghost. Then you two followed and Bhai looked like he got a good punch from you. I just connected all the dots. Also, it's not like he is being very discreet. It's just mom's dense and dad would rather live at the court than look into what's happening at the house." She shrugged. "I had a hunch since the time he declared it at the dining table. But I wasn't sure."

"And yet you spoke all that bullshit day before yesterday?"

She chuckled sheepishly. "I was just trying to get on Mom's nerves."

"You're not a good person, you know that right?" I asked genuinely.

"Hey!" She slapped my arm. "Do you have a death wish? I'm your elder sister. Speak properly to me!"

I rolled my eyes. "Fuck off."

She grabbed my arm when I turned to leave. "Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?"

"Do I look like an idiot!?" I spat out. "And don't you dare tell them anything!"

"I know. I was trying to change your mind if you were planning to tell them. You know how mom is, right? Especially when it comes to Bhai. She'll blame Priya."

"And you're worried because?" I mocked.

"I like her." She shrugged.

I gaped at her in disbelief. Did she just say she likes Priya, the same Priya she taunted with the age difference day before yesterday? Wow, I can't believe this woman.

"You really have the lawyer's blood streaming in your veins, don't you?" I said derisively.

She grinned at me shamelessly. "By the way, how's Priya doing? Poor raziya bhaiyon mein phas gayi (Poor girl is stuck between two brothers)" she sighed pitifully.

"I'm going out to meet Vikram. Tell mom if she asks about me. I won't be picking up her calls." I informed her before making my way toward the shoe rack. She turned around, her hands shoved in her jacket as she watched me. I stood straight, unable to help the worry that struck me. "What's your scene with Pratik now?"

Her face turned sad. "We broke up."

"Good." I nodded. "You deserve better," I added awkwardly.

"Aw!" She clasped her hands against her chest, looking at me with tearful expressions.

I grimaced. "Nevermind. I take that back." I said and left the house.

"I love you, baby brother!" She chimed loudly.

I shuddered at the goosebumps that crawled on my arms. "What the fuck is wrong with her!?" I rubbed my arms in horror, shoving my hands in the hoodie as I entered the elevator.

I took a rickshaw to the tea stall. It was closed, but the benches were left out so I sat there, scrolling through my Instagram while I waited for Vikram.

He came five minutes later, occupying the seat beside mine.

"Tell me what happened," he urged.

"So, Bhai brought a friend home. Nitin, remember him?"

"Woh bandar jaisi shakal wala? (That monkey lookalike?)" He raised a brow.

"Bandar? (Monkey?)" My brows furrowed together.

"Yeah, his face is like this, na?" He stretched his upper lips forward, flaring his nose and widening his eyes to imitate Nitin's face.

"He called me Prissy!" I complained.

Vikram's face crumpled, twisting in all sorts of emotions before settling on sympathy. "It's okay, we've to face the reality sometimes -"

"And he asked do I've no shame flaunting my wife like that in front of my brother? How can I even call myself his brother if I can choose a woman over him? He also said a lot of unpleasant things. And Bhai did too when I asked him why didn't he confess his love in all those seven years before I met Priya. I don't know how much Priya heard, but she did and she knows that Bhai is in love with her. And not in a nice way."

"How can someone be in love with you in an un-nice way?"

I tsked. "I mean, the way he said it, it sounded more like he was blaming her for being unapproachable."

"What a dick," Vikram commented. "And that Nitin? He has no room to say all those things to you when he backstabbed a friend by making a move on his girlfriend!" He scoffed.

I looked at him in shock. "He did what!? When?"

"When we were in seventh grade." He answered.

I clenched my jaw to stop myself from hitting this idiot upside down.

"Tu serious hoga? Woh kaise apne dost ki side le raha tha! Tujhse umeed karna hi bekar hai! Kaisa kamina dost mila hai mujhe! (Will you be serious for once!? I'm so envious of the way he defended his friend. Because there's no point in hoping anything from you!)" I carped angrily.

He sighed openly. "Alright, sorry. Stop fussing about what's already done. Focus on Priya. How is she doing?"

"I don't know. She has locked up herself in the bathroom and isn't coming out."

"Look, you did nothing wrong by not telling her okay? It wasn't your place to reveal your brother's feelings. If anything, you suffered just as much. So talk to her, try to make her understand, and move out of that damn place for God's sake!"

"But I did keep her in the dark, Vikram, didn't I? I did it intentionally. I knew she had a better option-"

"Adi, shut up with that bullshit." He snorted. "There's no such thing as a better partner. Trust me. If he was the one for her, time would have worked out in his favour. But it didn't. It practically made him suffer for seven years, Adi. But the moment you entered her life, you got her. If that's not enough signal, then what is? Imagine waiting for her seven years, Adi, and still watching her become someone else's. He is a coward. He was afraid of rejection. Of being hurt. But that's not possible, is it? You can't run away from things forever. What did he expect? That she'll stay single forever? No, if not you, she would have married someone else. He got what he sowed, Adi. There's no point in blaming her or blaming you. If anything, he should be trying to move on. But instead, he's wasting time hanging on a woman who's never going to accept him, and in the process, he is also hurting you. If someone should be sorry between you two, it should be him."

I breathed out softly. "Would she have been happier with him?"

He groaned.

"I mean, what if she is regretting it?"

"Regretting what exactly?"

"Everything. Choosing me, marrying me, probably falling in love with me." I swallowed.

"Adi-"

"You tell me, if you get to choose between Bipasha Basu and Nisha-"

"Bipasha is married."

"Alright, imagine Deepika Padukone-"

"She is also married."

"Okay, then Katrina -"

"She is also married."

"Kareena-"

"Uske toh do bacche hai. (She has two sons now.)"

"Abey koi single hai ya nahi? (Is no one single anymore?)"

He shook his head sadly. "There's Kiara Advani but she is also in a relationship." He sighed.

I looked at him in annoyance. "My point is if you had a better option -"

"No."

"Jhoota. (Liar.)"

"You answer this!" He pointed at me. "You tell me! Wasn't Sunaina a better option? Wasn't Preeti a better option? Wasn't Pari a better option?"

"Pari?" I scrunched my nose. "We're just friends."

"Shut up. She definitely thinks of you more than a friend. But anyway, answer my question right now."

"No. Priya is a lot better."

"Why? She is older than you, a practical woman, and introverted too. I'm sure your thoughts don't match, and neither your perspectives. If compared to Sunaina, the woman who was willing to marry you in the first meeting, Priya's looks are average."

"Maybe for you. My wife's beautiful."

"But these are valid points I made, Aditya." He stated. "Don't you think she must have a bunch of insecurities regarding your relationship too? When you've women like Sunaina and Pari flaunting for your attention, don't you think she will also wonder the same thing that you're thinking about now? The point is Aditya, there's always someone better than you out there. Maybe better looking than you, or richer than you, or both, but it still doesn't stop the people around you from loving you for all that you're worth it. I've tons of friends in the office, in my building, but you're always going to be my bestfriend, even though half of the time I'm collecting after your shit. Why? Do I not have better options? But it's never about that, Aditya. It's the memories, the ups and downs we faced together, the times you were with me when no one else was, the way you turn to me when you're in a problem like I'm your saviour, the way you call me when you need help, then the way you're willing to throw away every other work if I need your help, it's about what you've given me that makes me stay, not what others can give me." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Adi, we all have things we deal with. But that doesn't mean we'll easily discard what matters for something better. Because no matter how better it is, it's not going to be enough, for it was never our first choice. Priya's first choice is you, Adi. Not Avinash."

"I wasn't a choice. I was available. If Bhai had asked her first, she would have chosen him."

He sighed in defeat. "Tu abhi ghar ja. (You go home right now.)" He patted my shoulder. "You're in the state of mind that no matter what I say, you're going find a loophole. So go home right now. We'll talk about this tomorrow." He said, urging me to get up.

I obliged sluggishly.

He waved over the auto and paid the driver in advance on my behalf. "Don't think about nonsense stuff. You know how your health gets when you stress too much."

I nodded. "I'll try. Bye, good night."

"Good night." He ruffled my hair, nodding at the driver as a signal to drive.

Thankfully I had brought the house keys along with me. I didn't want to disturb anyone's sleep and invite an interrogation. Especially Mom's.

Entering the house, I quietly removed my shoes and walked inside, halting when I saw Bhai and Priya on the balcony. I swallowed.

What are they talking about?

Is she already regretting our marriage?

Is she asking him why he didn't tell her sooner?

I know eavesdropping is wrong, but I couldn't help it. So I walked over quietly, standing at a distance that I was able to hear them.

"I respect you, Priya. I really do. I guess, I just needed someone to blame. Trust me, whatever I said down there, were all in a fit of anger. I still fail to digest the fact that you're now married to my brother. Why him? Why not me? I ask this myself every day. I was a coward, Priya. But seven years God damnit. Seven years! And I still can't seem to move on. But believe me, I've never once looked at you the wrong way. Neither did I think of coming between you and Aditya. I know how much he loves you."

"When did you tell him?" She questioned, her voice flat.

"I didn't," he sniffled. "He realised on his own. On the day dad announced your engagement."

She nodded, her arms crossed on her chest as she stared ahead.

"Did you ever tell him to talk to me?"

"Not directly. But in a way, yeah." He admitted.

I closed my eyes in regret.

"Your friend, since when does he know?" She asked.

"From the last four years."

Priya sighed, not an emotion betraying her face. God, she is pissed off. I'm done for.

"Look Avinash, I really respect you. And I admire your intelligence. But seven years ago, I did not pretend to be not interested in men. I was genuinely not interested in dating. People change, I did too. To be honest, the marriage turned out to be a chore for me. I wanted to get married, I didn't care to whom. As long as he was decent, I was willing. So maybe if you had come to me two years ago, I would have said yes to you."

Bhai looked heartbroken and regretful.

"And I'm sorry, this may sound harsh, but I'm so glad you didn't." She stated coldly.

Tears pooled in his eyes.

"And I'm so glad no one else did either." She added. "Because I can't imagine my life without Aditya." Her voice softened.

That touched a place I was afraid to poke. It made me want to bawl my eyes out so bad. I took a step back to hide my shaky breaths.

"So I suggest you stop making this awkward for all three of us. I know it must be hard on you. I don't know how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I'm grateful that it's me, but that doesn't mean I appreciate the inconvenience it brings me." She explained gently. "If you want, you can reveal it's me to your family. But I hope you don't. No matter how much Aditya pretends, he wants his parents around. And to be honest, I do too. It's your decision though."

"Don't worry, I'm not planning to tell them." He whispered.

"Thank you." She mumbled. "And your friend, what's his name again?"

"Nitin,"

"He was rude. Extremely rude. Especially his comment on Aditya's physical appearance. So I'll appreciate it if you don't bring him around when Aditya and I are home. He makes me uncomfortable. We'll be moving out soon anyway so it won't be a problem for you after a while."

"Ye-Yeah," Bhai responded shakily.

I didn't stop to hear any further, quietly making my way back to the room and sitting on the edge of the bed.

Priya entered the room a few minutes later, stopping at the unexpected sight of me. With a sigh, she turned around to close the door before walking to her side of the bed.

"Priya," I looked at her over my shoulder.

She ignored me, busy fixing the bedding and the pillows.

"Priya, please talk to me," I begged.

She tossed the blanket aside, looking at me. "You make me laugh, Aditya. You're such a hypocrite."

My eyes glossed over.

"You preach about my lack of communication, but do you ever tell me what's in your mind?" She tilted her head to the side. "I agree, I made a mistake. I should have told you earlier. But I lied for whom, Aditya? For us. Because I was afraid of losing what we have, I was afraid of hurting you. But you, Aditya, every time you hide things from me, it's because you don't trust me, it's because you've already decided for me." She said disappointedly. "Tell me, Aditya, tell me I'm wrong."

I stayed silent.

"Nisha bhabhi said people like me are a risk. And that you took a risk." She mumbled, chuckling mirthlessly. "If only she knew."

"I was afraid," I stood up to face her. She looked up at me. "I was afraid of losing you. I liked you so much. And I knew you didn't. I knew the moment you find out two brothers have feelings for you, you'll not hesitate once to break off everything."

"Then what about after the marriage?"

"It would have looked like I kept you in the dark intentionally!"

"You didn't?" She asked incredulously.

I bit my lower lip guiltily.

God, I was just messing up more. But how can I even justify myself when I know it's my fault? I did everything knowing it'll come to bite me in the ass one day.

"Mujhe bura iss baat ka nahi laga, Aditya, ki aapne mujhse baat chupayi, balki iss ka laga ki meri koi galti na hone ke baad bhi mujhe aapka bartav sehen karna pada. (I did not feel bad because you didn't tell me the truth, Aditya, I felt bad because even though I was not at fault, I had to suffer your behaviour towards me.)"

I looked at her perplexed.

"Did you not act cold towards me every time Avinash did something nice for me? I always brushed it off thinking it was a gesture from my brother-in-law. But you knew, you knew the truth, then why would you make it seem like I was the instigator?" She questioned. "That's what hurt me the most, Aditya. I blamed myself for not understanding you, I blamed myself for not being able to figure out what blew you off. If you were jealous, you should have told me the truth. But no, you stayed quiet and made me feel bad." She shook her head. "And the moving out thing? I'm sure the reason is the same. But you didn't tell me even when I kept asking you, instead letting me feel bad that it was because of my incompetence as a daughter-in-law that we'll have to move out."

"No, Priya! Mom's behaviour towards you was also a reason-"

"But not the only reason." She cut me off.

"I was afraid you'll regret choosing me. After all, he is -"

"Richer, successful, more handsome!?" She spat out the last word. "Do you think that shallow of me, Aditya? Thank you, Aditya. I feel so judged." She said sarcastically.

She heaved a breath, looking down at the floor. "Aap paison ki baat kar rahe hai, Aditya? Mein yeh pura ghar bhar du paison se phir bhi mere paas bahut bachega. Uske liye mujhe Avinash jaise partner ki zaroorat nahi hai. (And you're talking about money, Aditya? I can fill this entire house with it and I'll still have more than enough. I don't need a partner like Avinash for that.)" She met my eyes softly. "Mujhe kisi ke saath ki, kisi ki samay ki, uske sayyam ki aur uske vishwas ki zaroorat thi, Aditya. And I found all that in you. But you broke my trust. (I needed someone's companionship, someone's time, their patience, and their trust. And I found all that in you, Aditya. But you broke my trust.)" She muttered sorrowfully.

"I'm sorry." That was all I was able to say.

She ignored my apology, sliding under the sheets and reaching to turn off the lamp before lying facing the same side.

I climbed the bed as well, pulling over the blanket and draping my arm across my forehead. We both lay in silence, mulling in our own thoughts.

I wonder what she is thinking now. I wish I could tell her how much I'm regretting not telling her the truth earlier. Maybe she was right. I was a hypocrite. Because if given a chance, I would still not tell her the truth. It was a risk and no matter how many chances I get, I still won't take it.

I turned to face her, my arm folding to cushion my head. With the other hand, I reached out for her, trailing my fingers on her back.

A call for her closeness.

"You needed a month to forgive me, Aditya. At least let me take a day." She said softly.

My fingers curled back, arm retracting to my side. That night, I slept cold without her in my arms.

Can my babies be happy for once damnit!? Please, and thank you.

Dw this time it won't last long.

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