2 months had passed by already. 62 days had drifted away, but my personal nightmares didn't even made a mile away from my mind. I want to run, but I just keep ending up in a road full of zigzags and mazes with only the path back towards my biggest fear as the sole exit.

Looking back, that whole ordeal is a pandemonium. Nothing but tons of horrible definitions for... them...

I wiped a tear away as I sat beside a window. I silently watch the raindrops that continues to trickle down onto the crystal-clear pane, reminiscing those horrible times that had happened to me a long time ago.

Diamond field... that name... It's pure Gehenna. It reminds me back when it all started. Nothing but flashes of a repetitive blood bath appears within my sight every time that god awful name echoes within my nerves like a sonic wave. I look down, and I bit my lower lip tightly, staring at the freshly cleaned cuts that I inflicted on my wrists yesterday.

With a shaky breath, I pulled out a small knife out of my pocket, my eyes fixated on the cold, sharp, silver blade that creates a crystal-like glimmer in return . I released a deep sigh, sliding down the sharp edge of the blade to my skin slowly. The lids from both of my eyes closes automatically with a tight squeeze as I let the stinging pain crawl to my arms and to all parts of my body within just mere seconds.

So cold... so very cold...

I can feel the oozing crimson liquid slowly trickling down from my wrists like a snail. I know this is wrong—wrong in various ways that even the longest list of good deeds can't even cover a small patch of the biggest mistake that I am doing anyways, but within the other half of my conscience, it's telling me that this is the only way I could forget the pain and suffering that I am enduring right until now. The prick started to get worse, a teeth-clenching sensation it is, but somehow it left me... satisfied.

There's nothing bad about it. Yes! There's nothing wrong of what I am doing right now. If I want to remove pain from within me, then I must inflict pain again to myself, right? right?!

"What the hell are you doing?! Stop that!"

I can hear that familiar voice from beside me. I froze to my spot, my gaze glued upon my brother who is standing by the doorway in shock. Somehow, that same remarkable reaction of his every time I did something stupid is what I want to laugh about right now. Unfortunately, I can't. I can't release even just a giggle, because his reaction isn't a joke, and what I am doing right now isn't a big joke either. In fact, all of this aren't part of a circus show to laugh with.

Within a split time-freeze, he quickly snatched the blood-stained knife away from me. I do want to grab the knife back, but I feel so drained right now that I don't even want to lift a hand anymore.

"Why do you always have to do this to yourself?! This isn't right!" He scolded me. He held both of my shoulders and started shaking me like I am in some sort of trance, "wake up please! This isn't the real you!" He blurted.

As I spotted those crystal drops flooding his eyes, I ended up doing the same. He pulled me closer, wrapping me in a tight, warm hug.

"Please, stop..." he muttered between sobs, "just come back. You're not yourself anymore."

His words just made me tear up even more as a result.

I sobbed, trying my best to spit a sentence out, "i-it's the only thing I can do to forget about it!" I bawled,"it won't leave me alone. It's stuck inside my head!"

I gripped my hair within closed fists, clenching my teeth as I squeezed my eyes shut. My body ultimately gave up its strength, and so I ended up crouching down onto the floor as I cradle back and forth like an insane person.

"Leave me alone... Leave me alone..." I repetitively mumbled with teary eyes.

Every night, I couldn't get a peaceful sleep. Those awful images continued haunting me even in my time for bed. Each day, I have to face the struggle of isolating myself from society. I couldn't leave my room. I always cry, I end up hurting myself subconsciously— I'm a mess; a total  goddamn mess!

"Trust me. We'll find a way to forget it, I promise." I can feel his warm arms around me as he mumbled this beside my ear, "we'll find a way to forget it..."

I don't want to be trapped in a torturous cage anymore. I want to be free.

No more tears... No more pain... No more suffering...

I just closed my eyes tightly as I reminisce all of it back to the beginning.