Four weeks.

That's how long it had been since you had slept properly. No matter what you did before climbing into your bed at night, nothing could bring your mind to dream. Every night it was the same black space inside your head that just seemed to drag you in, only to spit you out harshly several hours later into the glaring morning sunlight.

You had tried every possible method. Drinking milk. Going for a run. Reading. Yoga. Even at one point sleeping tablets. Yes, they got you to sleep, but they never brought you any dreams. Just a empty blackness. All you wanted was to have something, anything that resembled a dream to bring a smile as you woke the next morning. But nothing changed. No matter how many films or TV shows you watched, or as many books or fanfictions for that matter, nothing helped you to dream.

As you lay there in your bed, shoving the pillow behind you higher up, you let out a sigh of defeat. Was this going to be another night of dreamlessness? Even as your eyes scanned around you room, lingering on the posters and pictures on the bedroom walls, you felt the sense of doubt grow inside you. You caught sight of the piles of DVDs and books scattered across your room, feeling a sense of emptiness. Despite all the films and books you had read and all the different characters you had fallen in love with, none of them had found themselves inside your head. Even daydreaming was the same.

You let out another loud sigh as you picked up your phone lying on top of the covers, glancing at the time. 11:41pm. Even though it was a weekday and you didn't have work to rush off to, you didn't want to stay up any later. You just didn't feel like it any more. The only time you ever stayed up late was because you became too busy reading that time would simply pass by without you noticing, or because the TV actually had some decent films on which you hadn't seen before.

Loki looked back at you from your phone, and even after the screen had gone dark, you still kept staring at it. It was no secret to your friends or family that you had fallen in love with Loki. No, scratch that. That wasn't exactly true. Yes, you loved the character of Loki, but it was the man who played him that had first caught your eye.

You remembered the cold evening in the rain you'd spent with your friend after she'd dragged you to the première of War Horse, to catch a glimpse of the stars. The crowds had been huge, all screaming different peoples names, with camera's flashing wildly. That's when your friend had screamed next to you, so loudly that you thought you'd gone deaf. You followed her shouts as they were directed towards a very tall gentleman who was being ushered in quite quickly after talking with the press. He wore a fine black suit, had swept back brown hair, and a beard. But what most caught your attention, apart from his height, was his smile. His wonderful smile, that even though he was being pushed past you in a hurry, it warmed you as he smiled at you, his eyes looking apologetically at you, before he was ushered inside. Even now you could hear his name being screamed by your friend repeatedly. Tom.

The second you'd gotten back home, you'd researched him. You remembered your friend on the way home freaking out at you because you didn't know who he was at the time. "How can you not know?! He's Loki!!". You'd just laughed and apologised at the time for 'forgetting' but in reality you had no idea. You couldn't even look back at a picture of him from the brief meeting as you hadn't taken a camera with you. But his face did seem familiar in some way, like an old friend. As your friend collapsed asleep on the sofa after the long day, you brought up Google. Tom ..... what was his surname?

Immediately your eyes fell on the DVD case poking out of your friends backpack. You'd taken your War Horse book to the première in the hope of it getting signed by some of the cast, where as she'd taken a ... DVD? You of course had gotten your book signed by some of the cast, but your friend was really disappointed that her DVD, was the only thing that she didn't get signed. Being very quiet, you pulled it out of her bag and looked. Thor. Why had she taken that to get signed? You stopped, staring at the cover. Looking back at you was a familiar face. Loki.

[Open GOOGLE]

[New Search]

Who plays Loki in Thor?

[Enter]

The next few hours passed like a day dream, all feeling of tiredness suddenly disappearing. There he was. It was Tom. His smile, his eyes, and god those cheekbones! He was a giant, quite literally! OMG!

That was when you became cursed to love this man for the rest of your life. Someone, his pictures seemed to leak into your everyday life. First it was just a phone lockscreen, then a laptop wallpaper, until now, traces of him lay everywhere. Your phone had several pictures of him on it in various characters, some of the movie posters dotted around your room, as well as the vast pile of DVDs neatly arranged in your collection. This had not gone unnoticed by your parents, who just avoided the question altogether. Not that it stopped your younger brother, who would always jokingly insult him, just to see if it would evoke a reaction. And it did. Usually an insult of Shakespeare or a sassy Loki quote of some description.

Regardless of all those facts, you still refused to call yourself a 'Hiddlestoner'. You just weren't one. Yes, you knew when his birthday way, but that was only because you had another family member who's birthday was the day after that day. Yes, you had all of his films he'd been in, but that was only because they fascinated you, and because you loved the work he did. Yes, you knew exactly what films or projects he was busy filming, but that was only because you were keen to see new films, as well as to see who else was staring in them. Yes, you quote Shakespeare a lot and drink tea, but that was something you did anyway, even before Hiddles came along.

I'm not a Hiddlestoner. I am just a young adult who can fuss about any man she wants.

Leaning out of bed, you placed your phone onto charge, Loki briefly appearing on the screen as you did so, before it went blank. Flopping back on the pillow and staring up at the ceiling, you begin the process of trying to unwind. Your hand turns off the bedside light easily as you slip deeper under the covers, pulling them around you as your room plunges into darkness, the faint light of the outside street light just creeping through the gap in the curtains.

Even though your body is heavy with tiredness, your mind is not. It just lies there, still, ticking away like a clock, not wanting to stop or pause. You had nothing to think about, no thoughts to occupy it, yet even now it would refuse to shut off. You forced your eyes closed, almost as tight as if you were about to cry. You had given up on crying yourself to sleep, something which in the past had worked, until now where you would just lie there crocking and shaking until the sun would rise.

Sleep.

Just sleep.

Your mind was empty apart from that thought. All you wanted right now was sleep. You had given up on the dreams. You knew they would never come back again, like they had done when you were younger. Dreams of flying or being a princess had long since pasted, being replaced by thoughts of love and longing. Once you had even dreamt of having a family, and children, all running around you as you watched yourself grow old. But as you had aged and sunk lower with the prospect of growing up, and the stress of being an adult, your dreaming had become less and less. Even those secret dreams which you'd never shared with your online fandom friends, ones of ruling Asgard or being captivated in a vampires kiss, had long since faded. No more dreams ... just an empty blackness

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep

You had a little smile as that quote came to your head. Of course your mind would automatically search for the word 'sleep' in your head, and output Shakespeare. "In that sleep of death what dreams may come ...", you muttered aloud, feeling those words slip easily from you without even thinking. Like a record player, those words played on your mind as you somehow slipped into the darkness of sleep, into another empty dream ... or so you thought.

[I hope you enjoy this story. This is all based off A) my life, and B) an actual dream I had last night. So brace yourself. It's about to get real]

xxx