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"Turning back the pages of my sweet shattered dream, I wonder if she'll ever do the same

And if the thing that I call living is just being satisfied with knowing I've got no one to blame"

~Gordon Lightfoot~

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Swara woke with the memory of Sanskaar's kiss on her lips. He had tasted of coffee and chocolate, had smelled of a heady mix of cinnamon and sandalwood and had felt like cool welcome summer rain. She smiled softly – it had been a short kiss that had left her unable to think and yet today she could recall exactly how he tasted and the feel of him against her. She was awake but decided to stay in bed a little longer and dwell on the delicious thoughts of him that sent tingles through her and left her feeling warm and fuzzy.

When she finally made her way to the kitchen, she noted with surprise that the Dragon was already there and that she had not been alerted of the same, on further deliberation, Swara realized that for the first time in the five years that she had been there, the 'Ranjana' song had not registered on her. Slightly shaking her head at her obliviousness, she thought that it was quite a wonder as she set about her tasks for the day.

She quietly busied herself in her baking chores and was so engrossed that she was startled when she saw a shadow fall on her. She looked up to see the Dragon gazing at her, an intense look of thoughtfulness marking the normally impassive face. This alarmed Swara and she spluttered, "I....I am sorry, am I doing something wrong?"

Instead of answering, Mrs. Das laid her palm against Swara's forehead and shook her head in puzzlement, "You were humming while blending the batter, which is unusual considering that you have always worked in silence. You do not appear to be running a fever, child, so maybe it could just be a happy state of mind. So I guess there is nothing to worry about, go back to your work."

Her observation left Swara embarrassed and flustered, 'Sanskaar needs to be kicked, that I cannot stop thinking of him is bad enough, but to be caught humming by the Dragon.....I really need to control myself,' she thought as she furiously focused on completing her tasks. However, her mortification was far from over. As Mrs. Das left for her rooms after finishing the baking, she paused at the doorway and said, "You have a lovely voice, you really should sing often. And if it is due to the young man who is by far, too regular a visitor here, I guess some thanks to him are in order."

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The rest of the morning passed rather uneventfully and Swara's heart appeared to have settled to its regular beat and though Sanskaar did figure in her thoughts he did not appear in person, a fact which caused a range of contentious emotions. Initially, she was relieved as she was still not sure of being able to look at him without her treacherous heart betraying her. She was also a trifle apprehensive as to how it would be to face him. However, as the day progressed the apprehension turned to an annoyance which finally settled into anguish. By the end of the day, Swara had run through a very detailed litany of self-recriminations, which finally culminated in labeling herself as a wanton and desperate woman who could shamelessly throw herself at the first man who glanced at her. Her further self-debasement was halted by an arrival of a text message 'Sorry, held up in meetings. Have a very tight work schedule, might not be able to come tomorrow either. Miss you..'

'..And my coffee too.'

On reading the message, Swara's heart skittered to life, she tried not to read too much into the message, it could be just be a normal one from a good friend, but then her heart did not seem to share her views, despite the additional message. It just kept beating to its own joyous rhythm, which faintly seemed to echo to his name, as she typed a reply, which to her, appeared to be innocuous enough 'see you soon.'

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The moment Sanskaar hit the send button on the first message; he knew he had committed an error. He felt he needed a kick in rear but was unable to carry out the act as he simply lacked the yogic dexterity to do so. The second message was an afterthought, a belated attempt to rectify the first one. 'Miss you' was a factual statement but not what one would send considering the circumstances they had last parted.

He clenched his fists as he mentally censured himself. He had spent the night in fitful sleep, his thoughts alternating between a silent elation at finally having held the woman he loved in his arms to uneasiness as to what Swara would be thinking of him. He realized that he was so deeply in love with her that he was willing to accept her friendship for the opportunity it afforded to share her company and was perturbed at the possibility that his haste in kissing her had ruined it for them. He felt that some slight distance would be preferred but then reflected that his absence might be construed improperly by her.

He had arrived at office to be greeted by a schedule of back to back meetings which irked him but decided to treat them as a suitable distraction, hoping that it would help him get back to a rational train of thoughts before he went to meet Swara. It did not, he could not focus very well nor could he avoid any of those meetings, and as the day went by each subsequent meeting only served to increase the intensity with which he thought of her. Finally when he realized that there was no way he would be able to visit her, he had sent her the message, which brought him back to the start of the self-chastisement train. It was her immediate reply, however, which caused that train to derail and lift his spirits.

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When Sanskaar went to the bakery a couple of days later and saw Swara, it took all of his resoluteness to stop himself from gathering her in his arms. She looked different, beautiful as always, but today she seemed suffused with a new founded cheer and when she saw Sanskaar she had lit up with a gentle flush that imbued her smiling face; it was a glowing Swara who handed Sanskaar his cup of coffee and he accepted the same with twinkling eyes as realization dawned on him that perhaps the kiss had helped seal their relation rather than cause a fissure as he had feared.

Their misgivings regarding the other's reactions being laid to rest, they quickly resumed their friendly camaraderie, albeit with some changes. They both realized that the kiss between them meant a line had been crossed and things could not go back to being exactly as they were before. Hence Sanskaar made no attempt to disguise the fact that his feelings ran deeper than affectionate friendship and Swara gave up trying to squash the passions he stirred in her heart.

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It was a few weeks later, while Swara was sitting with Ragini and Sanskaar, partly listening to them discuss about coffee blends, that her eyes fell on the scar on his left forearm; she had noticed it often but had never before dared to ask him how he had gotten it. Unthinkingly, she reached out and murmured, "How did you get this scar, Sanskaar?" lightly tracing the scar with her finger tips, from the middle of his inner forearm down to the wrist. When Sanskaar felt the feather like touch graze his scar, it was like a bolt of lightning, his mouth went dry and he haplessly ran his right hand through his hair; Swara being absolutely clueless to the effect her innocent action had on him simply served to fuel the fire that now blazed within him. It was only Ragini's presence that held him back, he was not sure of what he would have done had they been alone.

Ragini, not as distracted as Swara, was aware of the slight change in the mood and in a bid to diffuse the charged ambience, asked as casually as she could manage, "Yes, Sanskaar, why not share the story of the scar?"

Sanskaar took a deep breath, which partly subdued the flames ignited by Swara and answered in what he hoped was a steady voice, "That, my dears, is the mark of my misplaced passions." Looking at their baffled faces, he gave a resigned grimace and spoke, "Well I guess I have to start at the beginning, the two of are looking at me as though I have just uttered something completely unintelligible."

"I have told you a lot about my family, we are a close knit one but that did not mean we never had any differences. My cousins and I were given a significant amount of freedom but always with the understanding that certain codes were inflexible. One of them being that come what may, we would have to join the family business. In fact, we had been groomed for the same all our lives, even our education choices were influenced by what would be best suited for the business more than what actually interested us."

"This constant pressure had the expected result, I rebelled as did my cousin, we were young and convinced that we had the ability to chart our own future. I was fortunate that Bade Papa deemed it to be a passing phase and rather than put his foot down, allowed us our way convinced that we would soon wake up to reality. My friends and I had a band, we called ourselves the 'Strummers & Drummers' - I know it is bad but then....," he shrugged and continued, "and fancied a rising career in music; I was one of the lead guitarists and went by the name of Anjan Gupta."

When Swara started on hearing that name, he smiled, "the one and same guitarist who had played at your friend's party; irrespective of how highly we thought of ourselves, our supposed musical career never really took off. I used that name because my mother loved Anjan Dutta and I had grown up listening to his songs. The 'Gupta' surname was ambiguous, as it was common for both Marwari and Bengali communities. There was no way I could use my own, though my face was not familiar to all, the Maheshwari name was too well known and could have brought censure to my family, which I did not want.

Swara and Ragini nodded, they could quite well understand that the Marwari business community would not be appreciative of a guitar strumming and yodeling youth.

"It was during this time that I met Kavita, sister of the other guitarist, Subroto. When I saw Kavita, I knew I was lost, I was falling fast and I did not care, it appeared that she felt the same for me. I would have done anything for her; and I did. My family was against our love, they did not take to her. To give them credit they did meet her a couple of times but somehow she failed to make an impression on them. I was not willing to listen to them; I accused them of being prejudiced against her as she was a Bengali. We had a thousand arguments and finally I had enough of it. I decided that she was more important to me than my family and their ideals.

Swara was silent, slowly allowing his words to sink into her while Ragini could not mask her curiosity, "What happened then?" she asked.

Sanskaar smiled ruefully and said, "There is a saying that whatever is begun in anger ends in shame; that is what happened. I was angry and took what was the worst decision of my life. I called Kavi and told her everything that happened and also that I was choosing her over my family. I was too upset too even notice her reaction, she was trying to tell something but I was in no mood to hear her, I just took out my bike and rode over to her home to meet her."

"It was a disaster; she had also told her parents and her brother about us, who till then was not aware of the depth of the feelings we had for each other. Her parents were furious and my friend felt that I had betrayed him and they had forbidden Kavita to meet me. When I reached her home, I found Subroto waiting for me. He did try to reason with me but I was in no mood to listen, I was upset with everyone, my family and hers for not accepting us, Kavita for heeding to her family and Subroto for not taking my side. Things got heated to such an extent that we started exchanging blows; one of his blows landed so hard that I slipped and in a bid to break the fall, I landed on my left wrist and fractured both my wrist and my arm."

"This scar is on account of the surgical treatment done to realign and stabilize the fracture. I had my hand in a cast for more than eight weeks and despite the hand therapy and a great deal of effort during the home therapy, I could never recover the same range of motion and strength that I had before the accident."

Sanskaar finished his tale and sat back, calmly noting the contrast in their reactions, Swara looked on in silent sympathy, whilst Ragini fumed at the injustice of it all and asked, a little more sharply than she intended, "So you can never play the guitar again? And what about Kavita?"

"Well, I can play the guitar, but not as before. Kavita soon got married to a person of her parents' choice. My recovery took more than two months and after our altercation, Subroto and I could never go back to being friends so the band just broke up. I took a little longer to come out of my shell but then I had my family to support me. Soon I joined Bade Papa's business, though a little later than originally planned and it is been more than four years now since the whole fiasco."

Swara had not uttered a word while that Sanskaar related the story behind his scar, he had told her about a woman he had loved and lost in the past, but she had never asked for any more details than what he had volunteered. She had felt a little jealous then when she had heard of his love for another woman, but now as she had listened to the full story, she noted that there was no sadness in his voice, he had actually narrated the whole tale in a very impassive manner, as though he no longer cared for Kavita. She smiled inwardly at her reasoning and got up, saying that she would get coffee for the two of them.

While making the coffee, her thoughts turned to Ragini and Sanskaar; it never ceased to amaze her at how much Ragini had come to like and respect Sanskaar in so short a time. In fact, she doted on him and in the recent times she had taken to asking Sanskaar for advice and guidance rather than talk to her. Swara smiled to herself; also marveling that while she never cared about Sanskaar's closeness to Ragini, her heart was prone to burning fits if he so much as accidently glanced at any other woman. 'That is because your heart is jealous,' her mind retorted, 'and mark my words, if you do not exercise adequate restrain, sooner or later, it will betray you and completely capitulate to him. Be very careful as to how you tread about him, he has a magnetism your heart cannot resist for long.' Swara sighed, unable to decide between her rational mind and her restless heart.

When Ragini saw that Swara was at the counter and that there was no possibility of her overhearing them, she asked Sanskaar, "tell me one thing; I know we are good friends but Swara also claims that the two of you are good friends. But that is not the case, is it; it is different between the two of you, right?

Sanskaar looked at Ragini, he was aware that she was far more perspective than she let on, behind that well-intentioned question there was genuine concern for both of them and perhaps a tinge of anxiety too. And while he had no problem letting Ragini or the world know about his love for Swara, he preferred Swara to be the first to know; but then he would not lie about it either. In a bid to be as honest he could without revealing anything much, he smiled and said, "Ragini, give her time, I am willing to wait, till we work out the exact nature of our friendship." He paused and then countered, "And when are you going to start sharing?"

Seeing her stunned expression, he chuckled, "Relax, I really know nothing, but I can make out that you want to ask something but are hesitant. Just ask, Ragini, do not think so much."

She winced, "Do you not hate your family, Sanskaar, for what they did to you? Swara has told you about us, right? She was scared to tell our parents and you dared tell your parents, yet both of you lost. Why are families so impossible?"

He reached over and placing his hand on hers and answered, "No, Ragini, I do not hate my family nor do I regret telling them. What happened with me and Swara would have happened whether we told our families or not. And most families are not impossible, at least, not at all times. They give freely of themselves expecting nothing in return, who love you for who you are and only want you to be happy. It does not make a difference what you think your family knows about you. You say that they will get angry with your questions or with your proposed course of action, which could mean you are doing something wrong or something which is against their thinking. If it is the latter, the least you could do is inform them as to why you are thinking of adopting that particular course of action. If they then get angry it is what you expected but if not, then you get an alternative answer."

"And family need not always be those who are related by blood; sometimes it is about the people who are your friends, who accept you as you are and are always there for you, you know who those people are in your life and yet you hesitate to share with them. Ragini, I am and will be a friend, you can share anything you want, and I am sure you know that Swara will always be with you."

Ragini gave a brief smile as her mind started to process his words, finally deciding that Sanskaar was right. So it was that Swara found herself rudely woken at around midnight by a nervous Ragini, which caused her some amount of consternation. Before she could say anything however, Ragini blurted, "I have to tell you something, and I know I should have done this earlier but I was a little scared."

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A/N - No, it is not a frightening cliffhanger- nothing to worry about, just a lame attempt to create some suspense. 

And now that you have read this update, do let me know how you found it. All feedback, good or bad, is welcome.  

love,

Nyna