Instead of going to the dorm, I head to the dining hall and find a quiet place to do homework.

Completing assignments is foreign to me. Back home, I rarely thought of school after I left for the day, much less school work. But things are different here. If I want to stay at Maliseet Bay I'll need to put in the effort, even if my head isn't in the right place.

I can still feel the paintbrush in my hand. The smooth wooden handle, and the tickle of bristles as they flicked across my skin. For a split second, I felt that familiar connection as my brain conjured up the different patterns and shapes I could bring to life. And in that split second, it felt good—losing myself to the freedoms I used to have.

Until the memories snuck up and snatched that freedom away.

"Mind if I sit down?'

When I look up, Eli is standing at my table with a tray in his hand.

"Shit, what time is it?" I glance at my phone. Almost two hours have passed since my dramatic departure from the art room. "Sure, have a seat," I say, tucking my homework into my bag.

He sinks into a chair and plops his tray on the table. "What are you working on?"

"Statistics." I give him a wry smile. "Have you started the assignment yet?"

Eli stuffs a french fry in his mouth. "Not yet. I had football practice after school. Is it hard?"

I shrug. "It's just a histogram. No big deal."

"Oh my God, you guys—that histogram is killing me!" Natalie Pierce, a girl who sits next to me in our statistics class, flings herself into an open chair. "Have you finished it yet?"

I exchange a look with Eli and laugh. "I was just working on it."

"Damn. I was going to see if I could copy." She tucks a piece of short blonde hair behind her ear and stares at the empty space in front of me. "Aren't you eating?"

"I will."

"So Eli," Natalie purrs, losing all interest in my appetite. "Are you ready to kick some Wolverine ass this Friday? I'm taking the shuttle to the game." She bats her inky black eyelashes in his direction and doesn't wait for a reply. "You're going to the bonfire afterward, right?"

"I'll be there," Eli says, bumping fists with a passing friend.

Natalie flashes him a smile, and the overhead lights glisten off her pearly white teeth. "I'm really hoping I don't have to go alone."

And just like a boy, Eli doesn't get the hint. "Yeah, that would suck."

I interrupt before Natalie makes a complete fool of herself. "Where do they have the bonfire? When I asked Iris, she acted all mysterious and didn't say."

"That's right. You've never been to one before!" Natalie grasps my arm, her hazel eyes widening. "We have a fire after every football game down on the beach. This week the team's away from home, so it'll probably kick off a little later than usual, but it's always so much fun!" she says in a rush. "And get this—there's alcohol."

Of course, there is.

A knot of dread coils in my chest. "How do you get alcohol?" I ask. "And what about the headmaster? Does he know about these parties?"

"He knows, and he leaves us alone for the most part. As long as we don't get too loud," Eli says between bites of his hamburger. "And as for the alcohol, some of us have friends at the public school in town. They can usually get us whatever we want as long as we pay."

Natalie nudges her elbow into mine. "And you thought the best thing about boarding school was the superior education." She laughs. "You'll be amazed at the shit you can get away with here."

I frown. "But what about the housemothers? I thought they were supposed to keep an eye on us."

"Their main job is to make sure we don't go into a boy's room—or vice versa," she explains. "Although honestly, it's not too difficult to get around that when you put your mind to it."

I don't miss the look Natalie throws at Eli, but he's too busy chugging his soda to notice.

"Does everyone go to the bonfire?" I try to ask this casually, but my heart quickens in my chest. It ticks too fast, like it wants to blow up and kill me.

"Not everyone, but all of the important people will be there." Natalie pulls the lid off her plate and scrunches her nose at the contents underneath. "You're coming, aren't you?"

"Of course, she's coming," Eli chimes in. "It's gonna be lots of fun. And who doesn't like fun?"

"I don't know, you guys. I'm not a big partier." Not anymore, I want to add. But don't.

Natalie flips her bangs away from her eyes and pulls the wrapper from her straw before dropping it into a small carton of milk. "You can still have fun if you don't drink. I mean, probably."

A slow breath leaks from my nose. "I'll think about it."

"There you are!" Iris veers toward our table with her tray and sags down in the chair across from me. "How was Art Club?"

"Not the best."

Her brows snap together. "Why?"

I don't want to talk about this. Not in front of an audience. I spread my lips into a tight line and don't respond. When her eyebrows rise, I know she gets my silent message.

"Do you want me to go with you to get your dinner?" Iris suggests.

I give her a grateful nod.

When we're far enough away from the table, she leans closer and lowers her voice. "What happened?"

"Do you mean before my panic attack, or after I ran out of the room in tears?" I roll my eyes. "I never even got to meet Theo."

She gives me an incredulous look. "What is wrong with you?"

"Isn't it obvious? I have issues."

Iris snorts. "Apparently." And then she bumps her shoulder into mine. "Are you okay?"

I close my eyes for a beat and shake my head. "I don't know. Being here is a lot harder than I thought. I'm not sure if I can do it."

"Don't say that," Iris says as we join the line at the buffet. "Maliseet Bay is where you're meant to be, and I am not going to listen to you talk that way."

"But—"

"No buts!" she interrupts. "I love that you're here, and I love that we're roommates. So what if things are a little uncomfortable right now? You have to leave your comfort zone to enter your growth zone."

I grab a bottle of water and slide a tray onto the counter. "Growth zone? You're making that up."

She laughs. "I am not. It's a thing. Look it up."

When I motion toward the mashed potatoes, a hair-netted cafeteria worker drops a heaping scoop on my plate. "I just didn't think it'd be this difficult."

"What did you envision? That you'd come here and find out who wrote the letters, and viola, the perpetrator would pay—case closed?" Iris demands in a firm voice. "When has anything been that easy?"

She's right. I was stupid for thinking this would work. My eyes blur with tears and I blink them away.

"I'm sorry, lovebug." She wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes. "Keep your eye on the destination—it absolutely matters. But it's the quest that makes it worthwhile."

Despite my best effort, a tear sneaks down my cheek. I take a shaky breath and wipe it away. "Did you see that on a Hallmark card or something?"

Iris laughs. "I wish! My mum's a psychotherapist. She's been analyzing me since the day I was born." And then she hesitates. "What is it about painting that freaks you out so bad? Is it because of Ava?"

I sniffle and shake my head. Point toward a bin of vegetables. "It goes farther back than that," I say as the dining aide ladles corn onto my plate. "Honestly, it's not my favorite thing to talk about."

Iris gives me a small smile. "Maybe one day you'll feel comfortable telling me."

"Maybe."

An electric sensation needles the center of my back. When I glance over my shoulder, my eyes collide with Xander's. Like always, he's sitting at a table by himself, and is watching me with a look of confusion. Or maybe it's concern—or contempt. I can't really tell.

Iris follows my gaze. "Why don't you see if he wants to sit with us."

The cafeteria worker flops a burger onto my plate and covers it with a lid while I swipe my dining card at the cash register. "You wouldn't mind?"

She shrugs a shoulder. "We've got an empty seat. Might as well put it to use."

Iris gives me a nod of encouragement and a swoop of unease agitates the pit of my stomach.

I head in Xander's direction, but I have no idea what I'm going to say when I get there.

And after the way I acted, I'm not even sure if he'll want me around.