Sweet Creature | No good deed.

Regret is the only wound

The soul does not recover

From.

- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Kai

I stare in utter anticipation, as the basketball spirals around the rim in a consistent steady motion. In the pit of my stomach I feel every emotions ranging from excitement to Anxiety. It wasn't until the ball finally falling through the chain net, that broke me from my worrisome glare. 

"I win- again" I say - Happiness obviously playing in my tone, but the fear of sounding arrogant, quickly runs through my mind. I despised the thought of ever being disdainful towards others, and I never wanted to be perceived in such manner.  When I see my cousin with low eyes, and sadness written all over his young face, I immediately feel guilty. I've only ever felt guilt twice before in my life. The first time was when I broke something that belonged to my mother. It was some glass tube like object, with a bowl bottom, and sticking out from the side of it was another smaller tube that connected, and at the very top of the smaller tube was a mouthpiece you'd see on a trumpet. It was a weird looking thing, and the stench that it held was foreign to me. I didn't mean to break the thing, it was merely an accident - when my mom found out about it she cried for days on end. That was the very first time I ever felt guilt before, and now the feeling has returned. 

"I never get to win, anything" Noah cries. The sound of his sad voice made me feel uneasy. Noah was my cousin - our mothers were sisters that hated each other. My mom never had the best relationship with her sister from what I've picked up on over the years. My mom always used words like 'snobbish' and 'privileged' when she would talk about my aunt, and of course much worse words that I wouldn't dare repeat. But - despite their hatred for one another me and Noah tried our best to make time for each other whenever we could: which was an almost impossible job to do considering Noah lived on the richest parts of town, and I lived on the complete opposite side. Noah says it was somewhat easy escaping his luxury life because his parents were always away on business trips, and it was easy to manipulate his nannies into letting him go out into this part of town. He was nine - a year younger than I was, but much clever than I would ever be.

"How about we grab some water, and then we can play one more game?" I propose. My proposal was slightly tainted. I had every intention on throwing the next game, just so Noah could finally say he 'beat me'.  I knew he desired the feeling of victory, and I wanted nothing more than to make that happen for him, no matter the cost.

"I'll have to leave soon" He sighs. The sun was still up, but as time passes us, I knew it would go down in no time. Apart of me didn't want him to leave just yet, I enjoyed his company far more than I'd ever imagine I would.

"How about you just come inside and check out my CD collection?" I propose, desperate for his company. 

"Only for ten minutes" Noah says, in a pit of demand. I smile instantly at his decision to stay. My excitement couldn't be contained, and before I knew it I was dragging him through the rusty lobby of my apartment complex, and dragging him up the old stained carpeted stairs that lead to my home. When I push the front door open, my mood instantly changed from excitement, to fear in a blink of an eye. When I see my mother's cold body lying on the floor, I run to her side without hesitation. Her blue eyes were open, but like stone - frozen in place. Her body was still warm, but her lips were ice cold as the shade of them has changed from her usual rose, to an ashy purple color. 

"Mom?" I cry out, as I hold her in my small arms. Her eyes still frozen, staring into the ceiling . I could feel the warmth slowly escaping her lifeless body. "Somebody help me" I scream. But my voice is cracked. It feels like a thousand knives were stabbing me, and in this moment all I could do was cry. 

When I open my eyes I am no longer in that old apartment complex, holding my mothers lifeless body. I am no longer that ten year old little boy, losing everything before me. Instead I stare back at the person in front of me. Her green eye's focusing on the paper in front of her, her blonde hair in a neat bun, her hands moving quickly as she writes down my life. 

"And so what happens next Kai" The lady questions, her full attention back on me.

I shrug carelessly at the memory.

"I just wake up," I admit. "My dream always ends there"

She nods her head in understatement, and it makes me mad. She sits there and acts like she understands me, but I know she doesn't. She doesn't even care. she's too consumed in her privilege to ever understand what I've been through. I hated everything about her. But - I had to be here. Therapy. It was part of my agreements with the courts after the accident. the agreement states that I had to attend therapy twice a month, take medication, and just be present in school. I've been going thought this dreadful process for three years of my life, but now that I am eighteen I'm finally free of it. This is the very last thing that ties me to the accident, but I know I'll always carry the trauma with me.

"Well Kai, I can recommend more sleeping pills, but the dreams are mostly caused from the trauma from your past. Your mothers death from when you were ten, the accident when you were fifteen, going through the foster system at a young age. It all ties together and that's why you may be reliving that day over again, in your dreams"

I remain silent, not wanting to give more than what I have to. She doesn't press me any further, as she fixes her focus back onto her notes.

"Well after three years, this is our last session together. I really enjoyed watching you," She pauses, I'm sure trying to find the right words to use. "Progress over the years." She finishes. I roll my eyes in response. I had no real progression within these meaningless sessions over the years. I've came, I shared, and that's about it. I felt nothing more. And apart of her must know that. When the timer goes off I jump out of green leather chair as if it was on fire, and make my way to the clear glass door - desperate to leave.

"Hey Kai," I hear her call. Apart of me doesn't want to turn around, apart of me doesn't want to hear what her last words to me would be, but still I listen anyways. "Enjoy your senior year. I hope you find that love that's missing in your life." She sounds absolute. I laugh at her comment. I don't believe in love, love leads to loss - and I have enough loss to last me a lifetime. I don't respond. Apart of me doesn't know how to respond, and another part of me knows that I'll never find love. I've searched for it when I was abandoned. I prayed for it as a kid - to find someone to love me after my mothers death, but nobody did.  I was treated like trash - like less of a human at a very young age, so in conclusion love was foreign to me. I know it doesn't exist in a world so tainted - at least not unconditional love. The purest of love could never be lively.

I turn away from her, with no last words. I left the glass door close shut behind me, as I walk out of the fancy glass building, and into the streets of this dead town. 'Enjoy your senior year. I hope you find that love that's missing in your life' Her vivid words played on repeat in my mind. Could she be right? could I find love? - no. I didn't need love. Love was such a stupid thing to feel. Besides - lets say I could find someone to love, how could I ever bring myself to truly open up to another soul about my past? They would judge me. They would be scared of the monster that I am, they would probably hate my existence if they truly knew me. Her words made me sour - it put a false hope in my mind. Nobody could ever love something so broken.