Sweet Creature | How I found you

I meant it when I said I didn't believe in love at first sight. It takes time to truly fall in love with someone yet I do believe in a moment.

A moment in time when you glimpse the truth within someone, and they glimpse the truth within you. In that moment you don't belong to yourself any longer, not completely at least.

A part of you now belongs to him; part of him belongs to you. After that, you can't take it back no matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try.

Claudia Gray

Serenity.

Today will be different. Today I will smile and say that I'm fine with just enough persuasion that no one will dare to think otherwise. Today I will lie though my teeth with an overjoyed smile on my face just to save my self the million questions I know everyone is dying to ask me. 

After the accident I moved away. My mother thought it would be a good idea to leave, and have a "fresh start" to be a normal teenager, but lords know that we can only run away from our problems for so long. It's only just a matter of time, before we'll have to face reality - and for me, today was that day. After three years of running from my past, I am now forced to face it all again. 

I sigh relentlessly at the thought of it all, as I stare blankly at my bare reflection in the mirror. Cinnamon brown eyes, 2c curl pattern hair, freckles on the bridge of my nose and cheeks, warm Olive skin, rose pink full lips. At least these things hadn't changed about me. I still look exactly as I did the day of the accident,  Only my eyes aren't as lively as they once were. Instead they're slightly lifeless, and a bit unrecognizable. 

I carry trauma in my eyes. I carry losses, and most importantly I carry regret. 

"How are you feeling?" The voice was so close that it startled me half to death. I hadn't notice that my mom was directly behind me, admiring my beauty through my mirror. I was so lost in my own thoughts, that I didn't even hear her come in.

"I'm fine" I lie. My smile still upbeat and my voice filled with convincing joy. The smile on my mothers face gives me enough hope that maybe she bought it - but I've never been much of a good liar. She places a kiss on my cheek and doesn't bother to press me more about my emotional state. 

"So I have a surprise for you" My mother says happily. I force a smile, but my facial expression gives it away - I was nervous. I've never cared much about surprises, in fact I hated them. I always wanted to control the things around me, and surprises are something I cannot control. They were unpredictable, and that scared me. The unknown scared me.

"Mom..." I trail off, clearly anxious. 

"Before you worry, it's nothing major. Since you're a senior now I thought you'd appreciate your own car" 

I look into her beautiful sea blue eyes to check for any signs that this may be some sort of a joke, but the seriousness her face held convinced me of otherwise. My family wasn't poor, but I also didn't come from the most wealthy family. My dad died before I was born, so I never got the chance to know him, but my fathers passing allowed my mother to inherit his money but inheritance only goes so far when you have to take care of two kids all on your own. The money slowly started to go, but my mother made due with what she had. A bachelors degree in law, that granted her some mediocre job working for the state that's kept us afloat. She was hard working, but money has always been tight for as long as I could remember. I'm sure any other teenager would be elated to get a new car, but I was the complete opposite. With all the medical bills, and regular bills my mother was faced with, I know this costed her a lot of money she really can't afford to lose. 

"Mom you really shouldn't have" I sigh in defeat. 

"Don't be ridiculous  Serenity, you needed a car" She resorts, and she's right. I did need a car, because everything in this town was unconventionally far apart.

"I could have walked, or rode a bike" I explained, but it was pointless. The damage was already done. The car was already mines, and I couldn't take it back. This is exactly why I hate surprises. Not in an ungrateful way, because I'm extremely grateful, but I felt way to guilty to be excited. 

"Well you don't have to do either, because you have a car now" She defends. 

"Thanks mom" I finally give in. I force up a grateful smile as she places the keys in my hand.

"You're welcome" She signs as she places both hands on my petite shoulders. She stares at me in admiration, and I can't help but to wonder what she must be thinking. She's also a victim of that tragic accident. She lost a child - my sister. And it was all my fault. I know she doesn't blame me, but apart of me can't help but wonder if she secretly does. I wouldn't blame her for it, I even blame myself.

"Well you better start getting ready, you don't want to be late for your first day back" My mother says, completely reminding me of todays event. For a moment I totally forgot about school. The knots in my stomach returns as quickly as they left. I can't allow my mind to feel sorry for myself.  I must pretend for 24 hours that I am okay - That I'm not this broken girl haunted by her past, Even though that's exactly who I am. Broken. Haunted.

When my mother finally leaves I slide on a long sleeve V-neck white shirt, with a pair of blue jeans and sneakers. My hair falls perfectly down my back, and I looked good enough. Todays mission was to blind in as best as I could, so I bring my all black zip up jacket just in case I needed it.I slide out of the front door - too nervous for breakfast before walking outside. 

The sun was out, but barely. Clouds covered up majority of it, and just by the looks of the sky, I could tell it would rain later. When my eyes catch sight of the white hatchback Volkswagen I couldn't help but smile - a real smile, this time. The car wasn't flashy, and it wasn't the latest edition. It looked about 10 years old - a bit outdated but I loved it nevertheless. On the inside it smelled of fresh strawberries and car freshener. I could tell she bought it used, just by the few wear and tears here and there, but nothing too noticeable. It was perfect, and surprisingly everything I wanted in a car. 

When I roar the engine alive, quick flash backs of her  face flashes right before my eyes. I see her face. I hear her scream. I see her body lifeless on the road. Everything happened so quickly that I didn't even realize that the car was no longer alive, and I found myself catching a breath I didn't even know I needed. The horrific flashbacks gave me whiplash so bad that my head begins to pound suddenly. 

For a moment I rest my palm on my forehead as I take slow deep breaths.

They're just flashbacks.

They're just memories. 

It's all in the past. 

Everything is okay now.

I allow my mind to convince my body that everything is okay. I have to be strong today. Only for today, and when it's all over I can cry alone in my room. In the dark, where nobody could hear or see.

After a few more deep breaths, the pain in my head becomes bearable. I open my eyes slowly preparing to adjust myself.

"It's okay Serenity" I lie to myself. I roar the engine alive again cautiously - this time no flashbacks surface my mind. I let out a breath of relief, and before I knew it my car was speeding down the road - going into the thick of it. 

When I arrived, everything looked exactly as it did three years ago, like some sort of untouched time capsule. Everyone, and everything looked exactly as it did the day I left. Even my peers all matched up to their younger version selves, except for the obvious phase of puberty. It was both refreshing  and frightening how time managed to stay still all these years later.

I wonder if anyone would recognize me. I'm sure they will - I mean how could they not? My sister was the popular one, and I was merely just her younger sister. Everyone called me her twin - and now that I'm older, and the exact same age as she was when she passed I fear that I might be a spitting image of her. Granted everyone who knew her personally probably graduated years ago, but that still doesn't stop my anxiety. 

I slide on my black zip up jacket, grateful that I Brough it with me before finally sliding out of the car that smelled of spring air. My eyes stay locked on my shoes, as I move down the familiar path towards the building, and out of the student parking lot that was too crowded for my liking. If I stayed for any longer, people would be sure to recognize me. 

"Serenity?" I hear a voice call out. I hadn't heard my peers voices in so long that nothing about this persons voice sounded familiar. The voice could belong to anyone, and that's why I contemplated on if I should turn around or not. Not wanting to risk anything at the alter, and slightly being a coward I decided that it would be best to continue to walk - but this person was relentless. When I feel a hand land on my shoulder, I'm forced to turn around and interact with the stranger.

My eyes meet a pair of blue eyes. Their eyes were so blue it was like looking out into the sea. Suddenly everything about this person becomes familiar to me. The golden blonde hair, the sea blue eyes, the tiny mole on the corner above the right side of their lip. It was Aubree White. I had a class with her freshman year, she was so what of a friend to me.

"Hey it's me, Aubree, Aubree white from freshman year intro to algebra with Mr. Poop. We use to always laugh at his name in the back of the class" Her voice was so excited as she shared the memory of us. She was more cheerful than I remembered, and a lot prettier too. Her features were so soft, like a model from the 60s. Her beauty was timeless, and rare. Elegant, and playful - a face to remember for all of time. 

I fake a smile.

"Yes I remember, How are you?" I ask. My fake smile still attached.

"How are you?" She questions. Clearly ignoring my question, and taking no time jumping back to me.

"I'm fine" I lie. That's the third time I've told that lie today, but each time I say it - It doesn't get better, it only makes my depression grow - because I'm simply not fine. I'm drowning in sorrow, and it's like nobody even notices. Then I remember - Nobody truly cares. 

"That's good. When you left everyone was so worried about you, you left without telling anyone goodbye, and then weeks turned into months, months turned into years. Nobody knew when you were coming back- if you were ever coming back" Aubree says. A hint of genuine hurt playing in her voice by my absence three years ago. When she says this it makes me want to bawl my eyes out. I try my hardest to not burst out into tear around everyone, but it was hard. Being reminded of my old life was hard. It lived so freshly in everyones memories including my own. I knew coming back would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. It's all just one big reminder to me that my sister is dead, and that she's never coming back. Being here - being in this world again felt so suffocating, and I needed to escape. 

"It was nice seeing you again" I say, trying to make my words sound meaningful, but I know-  and from the look on Aubree face she knows that I didn't mean it. I dismiss myself from her as I fast walk into the building. My eyes begin to water, as my vision becomes blurred by my salty tears. My feet are going as fast as they can to make it to a nearby bathroom, and when I see one I burst into it without a second thought. To my luck the bathroom was deserted when I entered, leaving me and my tears. I hated myself for breaking so quickly - one conversation, just one, and I was already sobbing. 

So weak of me.

After a few more tears, I find the strength to pull myself together. If anyone came in and saw me crying they would label me as weak - the idea alone gave me the courage to pull myself together again. I flush out my tears with some water, in hopes that'll help.

"You got this Serenity. Go out there and lie. It's easy. Just say you're fine with a smile, but never left them see you cry." I tell myself aloud. I flush my eyes out a few more times - take a few more deep breaths, and just like that I was stable again - Well as stable as I can pretend to be. I know that I'm just another conversation away from another outburst.

I let out one last relentless sigh, before exiting the bathroom. 

Here goes nothing.