Dear Sanskaar,

I know you are hurt and angry and do not want to talk to me. But I know you still love me – you never stopped saying that, never stopped loving me; for the sake of that love, please, read this letter through. You could wonder why I write, I should tell you what I feel, but.. I am unable to form a coherent thought and am sure I would never be able to say what I really want to say.

When I look back, I remember that I kept saying 'thank you', despite you repeatedly asking me not to say so. Old habits die hard.  

So I start this letter by saying, "thank you."

Thank you;  for being the one person I could talk to, anytime and about anything; for catching me when I fall; for never leaving my side through the tough and ugly times; for making me stand for my ground and fight for my beliefs; for listening to me; for being my rock; for understanding, being patient, kind and friendly; for accepting me for who I am and looking on the inside, not the outside; for defending me so often; for forever trying to lift my spirits; for making me laugh and live again. But most of all thank you for loving me – like no one else has, or ever will. For showing me that love is something you do, something not just to be said but to be shown.

But thanking you was not what I wanted to say – it was just the easiest thing to say. What I am writing next is tougher to say.

How do I say the words "I'm sorry" when I know that words are not enough? And how can I ask you to forgive me when I cannot forgive myself? 

And yet I shall, I have to! 

I am sorry, Sanskaar – for not trusting you. You know, most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic. We knew the right choice but didn't want to make it, we choose to blindly do what we feel. I did the same thing – I believed the facts, not once, did I  try to reason out the same. And when I was proven wrong by the very facts I believed, I realised how wrong I had been.I saw the sadness in your eyes but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't think of anything to say that would take your pain away so I kept on saying in my head, "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry." 

I know that these words do not mean much to you at this moment – just give me a chance to show to you that I really mean it. I hate myself for hurting you – every single minute. I hate to see how much you love me and that I've been so stupid not to show how much I need you. For a single moment I want to feel like the universe is not crushing me and my heart is not ready to explode so that I could take a breath and tell you - I love you.

Yes, that is what I really wanted to tell you. I love you! 

I know you do not believe me, cannot believe me! I can see it in your eyes, when you read it, the way you slightly stiffen at those words as you wonder, "Seriously?"  It took me so long to see that, so long for me to realize it that I will not be surprised if you do not believe it. 

You know when I really did know, it was the day you left me at the baari, we both thought you were letting me go,  it was only when you drove away from me that I realized,  'I had pushed you away and you going away ......' the emptiness I felt was overwhelming. All I knew was that every thought of mine was with you and that I only wanted to be with you.

I love you. I love being with you. There is no one else I'd rather be with. You make me smile in a way no one else can. You make me laugh as no one else can. You are the first thing I want to see in the morning and the last thing I want to see at night. I never loved anyone the way I love you. You are my other half. My love. My friend. My happily ever after. You are everything I have ever hoped and wished for. I love you. And only you. I love you with every breath I take. I love you with very heartbeat of mine. I love you with every fiber of my being.

And I shall continue doing so – even if you refuse to hear me, listen to me, acknowledge me or accept me. I have learnt perseverance in love from you – I shall continue to love you and hope for a chance at forgiveness.

Take your time, don't worry. I will wait forever, if that is what it will take you to forgive me.

Arrivederci,

Swara

PS: I so did not want to start the letter with 'Dear Sanskaar' – but calling you anything else in the start – I was not sure you would really read anything further. Now that you have reached the end, know that I would have started this letter – "My beloved Sanskaar"

PPS: I. LOVE. YOU.

_______________________________________________________

Picture credits:

Above - stock by Bru-nO on Pixabay.com

Note 1:  The title is from one of my favourite sonnets (from Hyperion - A Romance by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) and I have reproduced it below for interested readers:

Oh, there is nothing holier in this life our ours, 

than the first consciousness of love. 

The first fluttering of its silken wings, 

The first rising sound and breath of that wind, 

which is so soon to sweep through the soul, 

to purify or destroy.

Note 2: 

Arrivederci, as most readers could be aware, is an Italian word meaning "goodbye till we meet again." 

I love this word for there is a less of a finality in saying goodbye but more the hope in the implied "till we meet again." In fact the emphasis is more the the "meeting again" and promises that this goodbye will only be a temporary one.