This is set after the entry of Kavita and Swara's exit(?) from the MM house. The title is formed from one of the most beautiful and rare words in English – Redamancy (n) meaning a love returned in full; (v) the act of loving the one who loves you.

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My beloved Sanskaar,

It was supposed to be "mission – us" – a battle with you, for you! And I went about it the way I do everything, the only way I know how. How was I to know that I was embarking on a course of self- destruction, that the sacrifice for removing the hurdles to our relationship could be the relationship itself?

And yet I cannot help being compassionate towards our family (Yes! Our family) – I cannot stand aside and watch them being hurt, not when I can do something, anything to help. But then compassion hurts, when you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.*

How was I to know that freeing Bade Papa from the web of deceit woven by Ragini would result in the resurrection of Kavita – Kavita whose death sent you on those dark paths of revenge and destruction? Who now comes back and asks me to give you up? I do not know how you feel about her now– in all these days there was never an echo of her in our lives – she was a just beautiful but pale memory, hidden away, deep in your heart, a wisp that would have never surfaced.

I am aware that I am not the first person you have ever loved. Nor are you the first I have ever loved. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of knife- a knife that cut deep into the very fibre of our beings and has left ugly scars behind. And yet we found love when we both gave up on ourselves. That was the miracle – we began healing, healing together. We learnt to live, to laugh and to love.

And because of that love, I can see the minute cracks in your soul – wrought by Kavita and the memories of your love for her. I can attempt to understand your reaction at seeing her, though the sight of her in your arms was nothing less than heart breaking. I have accepted your silence and your apparent confusion – while Kavita asks me to 'give' you to her! I love you enough to have faith in our relationship and not to give up on us.

What I cannot do and will not do is hand over my love on a platter – love is not a thing to be trifled with. Nor am I going to fight with Kavita for you – that would be reducing you to an object to be desired and obtained. I will not make it easy for you either, by stepping aside or insisting that you allow Kavita back into your life! No Sanskaar, this time you have to decide, you have to choose! This is your decision and however you choose I will abide by it. Just remember, your decision will not change my love for you.

That you love me – I know. What you refuse to accept, is that I love you. You cannot believe that we can realize love overnight – but then.... you don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield little growth while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch – it is timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. What it cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins! **

My heart resonates to yours! Whom does your heart resonate to – Sanskaar? Me? Or Kavita? Only you can answer this!

Arrivederci,

Swara

PS: "I would always choose you- in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality – I'll find you and I would choose you" – this is from the 'Chaos of the Stars' which ironically reflects my life now!

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Notes:

Picture credit - Stock by Bru-nO /pixabay.com

* compassion hurts .... Is a quote – Andrew Boyd

** you don't measure love in time.... Is a quote – Jeff Brown

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A/N - I had written this in a hopeful tone, hope that Swara does not go the way of the Indian Television Female Lead (you know, that mahaan, all knowing, all seeing, all sacrificing, holier than everyone else...) and allows Sanskaar to make the decision. I need not mention how well I fared in hoping that :-(

Thank you for reading. All feedback, good or bad, is welcome.

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