23 ☆ ( "I TRULY LOVE HIM." )

It was the last day of summer break. Tomorrow, I'd return to being class president for eight more months with two smaller breaks in between. I would return to being a student who upheld her duties of being dependable, even if I was the exact opposite.

I'd go back to playing the role of Nishimura Riki's submissive, kind, and somewhat scary girlfriend–even though I used to adore that title before it became a weapon used against me.

Maybe I hated it more than I thought. During summer break, I reflected a lot, almost to the point that reflecting granted me some new feelings. I couldn't tell if my hesitance meant that I was emotionally available or I had failed to convince myself I was in love–but maybe I'd find out before it all ended.

I was meeting Riki today outside my house. Mother and Dad were busy, and I told him it would be brief because I needed to do some other things–although that was a lie. I think he caught on to it, though, because he said he'd bring something to eat for my family even if I refused. After that time he called me while I was with Sunoo, I had a feeling that Riki was watching me a lot more, and it started to scare the hell out of me.

It was fear running through my veins for all sorts of reasons–but most of them had their roots pointed in one man: Nishimura Riki.

Blessing or a curse? I can't decipher. I was happy to be with him, or so, I thought. I laid in bed, waiting for him to arrive, hoping that he'd hear my pleas and not do what he thinks is right. "Rie," I didn't lift my head as Mother opened my door with no remorse, possibly thinking she'd catch me doing something wrong. These days, I had a feeling she wanted to reprimand me, just like when I obeyed her–so that she could once more place her dominance over me. "Do you want anything specific for dinner? You haven't eaten all day."

"I'm okay. I'll find something to eat or microwave any leftovers," I blinked at my ceiling. I wished it would suddenly fall and suffocate me. I imagined it. "You don't have to worry about me. You and Dad can eat by yourselves."

"I–" I knew she was going to point out my dismissal toward her. But, deep down, she couldn't find anything to reason with me for. She knew that I was right in my own, cruel ways, and if she were in my place, she'd probably do the same. "Nevermind. I'll be in my room if you need anything, then. Your father is in the dining room eating. Ask him to make you something if you get hungry, or ask me."

I wanted to say something so sickly upsetting that she might lay another hand on me. I wanted to ask her if she was cowering in her room because he was eating–but waiting for Riki to arrive, that thought compelled me not to. "Okay."

She closed my door without another word, and I listened to hear that small click of her door. Once it happened, I reached for my phone, looking down at it. Just as I clicked to open our messages and see if he texted me that he arrived, someone knocked. The only person it could be is Dad. "Come in."

"Rie," Dad swallowed as he opened my door, looking back down at the corridor where Mother was hiding. He quickly took a step in and leaned in by my ear, covering his mouth just in case her eyes were spiritually watching us. "Nishimura's at the door."

"What?!" I whispered with a slight yell, picking myself up off my bed. "He didn't text me! Did he just arrive right now?"

"Yeah. He was knocking and everything, pretty loud–I'm surprised your Mother didn't hear. Maybe she thought it was someone passing out pamphlets again," Dad sighed. "I told him to just wait and not make any sound until you came up. I know your Mother's got sensitive hearing."

"God, thank you," I huffed as I swung around Dad, racing down the steps. I quickly put on my shoes and swung open the door, seeing Riki holding flowers and a cake.

"Rie, you–!"

"What the hell are you doing here!?" I interrupted, grabbing his wrist as I slammed the door closed. He hummed in confusion as I pulled him down my steps and out of the gate, closing that too. I groaned, shoving my face in my palms. "Why didn't you call or text me? I told you to do that so I would meet you out here instead of you coming up to my door! My parents are home!"

"I just wanted to surprise you," Riki sighed, letting the flowers fall to his side. "What's the issue about coming up to your doorstep? Your dad already met me, hasn't he? When he saw me, he said to be patient and that he'll get you–"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that everything's okay for you to do that kind of thing!"

"What? Does your Mom not know I exist?" Riki's eyebrows furrowed in anger, but soon, he softened. The thing I hated most about his sentence is that he informally called her Mom. "Have you not told her... that we're dating?"

"No, I– No, I haven't. But, don't mistake this–It just isn't the right time yet."

"What do you mean it 'isn't the right time,' Rie? Have you ever imagined our future together? Wouldn't it be better if we tell her now than later on when we're far too long?" I haven't gotten that far. I'm living in the present, barely able to grasp that there is a future ahead of us. "I've wanted us to be together for–"

"Six years, God, I know!" I exclaimed, interrupting. "But, you can't misunderstand me now. My parents are different. Vastly different."

He pressed his lips together. "How can they be that different? They're married. They have to be somewhat similar."

That felt like venom–like a hidden insult toward who I was. I know that Mother and I weren't close. I knew that Dad and I were the same. But, I am produced by their blood and DNA. I am one of them. Everything he believed in was the opposite of what I've known my whole life. I was face-to-face with an alien.

"Well, they are," I grit my teeth. "I can't prove it to you, but I've dealt with it for eighteen years."

"Dealt?" He repeated. "Your parents can't be that bad that it feels like a chore, Rie. Aside from that, you're hiding things from them! You should come clean about–"

"I'm not going to!" I yelled. That shut him up. "No matter what you say, it won't convince me to suddenly introduce you. It's just not time–"

"Sato Rie."

Her voice crept up my spine. The door swinging open confirmed I had committed something beyond the crime of adultery, beyond any burden I could bear. I knew I lost everything, in a split second I shut my mouth when in reality, I should've just run.

Riki's eyes flickered from my eyes to hers. I didn't need to see her to know she was already furrowing her eyebrows, analyzing him from head to toe. Rie, you need to go, now.

I pushed Riki by his chest, causing both the cake and the flowers to drop. "You need to leave, now. Leave!"

"Wh–"

"GET OUT OF HERE!" I screamed as I swung open the gate and ran up the stairs, blocking as much of Riki's face as I could from Mother. She tried to move her head to see him, so I moved the entirety of my body. Finally, I gently shoved her out of the doorway, slamming the door behind me.

As I locked it, Riki followed, blowing the chance I could've had to explain things. "Rie! Rie! Let me explain for you!"

I was beet red, not out of embarrassment, but shame. I cursed myself out practically, uttering incoherencies under my breath. "Is that him?" Riki stopped knocking. I hoped that meant he left. "Is this what you've been hiding from me? Not that you're in love with someone, but that you're dating them?!"

"Mother, we–" She slapped me. The stinging caused my body to heat up, my hands becoming fists. I couldn't touch the area knowing this was a repeat of the past, just with harder consequences.

"I don't think I made myself clear the last time we had this conversation–end things," I gazed up at her, betrayed. "I don't care how long you've been lying to me. I don't care how long you've decided to hide things from me because, at this point, I realized that the reason you're like this is because of him. End things!"

"You don't think you caused this?!" I screamed, pointing at the rest of my body. "This? This sinner of a daughter, who although she's done nothing wrong except date someone is the biggest crime of all? Do you think of me as a rebel although I've done nothing but please you all my life?!"

"It is a crime! In this house, you are forbidden to do such things!" She screamed back at me, face fired up. "He's a bad influence. I can already tell. Dyed hair? Wearing such casual clothes although he's coming up to our house? Tell me, just how many times this summer did you lie and go see him? The festival? Hanging out with Hanae? Hanging out with Sunoo? How many of those things were you going to see that son of a–"

"Don't you dare call him anything that wouldn't make complete sense? You don't even know him, Mother."

"Oh? And you do?" Damn it. Why would she shoot that back at me? "Do you think we even know men like we think we do? Your father, for example! Do you think he knows anything I like? Do you think he even cares about what I do? I just settled!"

I looked at Dad. He winced, his true emotions coming to light. He did love my Mother–just not anymore. Glancing back at her, I scoffed. "That doesn't concern me. Your relationship is none of my business," I shook my head. "But he will always be a better parent to me than you ever were."

Mother's breath trembled. "What do you know about love? Are you even capable of loving?" She pointed at me. "Tell me, Rie. Is that little heart of yours, unbeknownst to any human communication because I've traumatized you into being isolated–capable of giving someone else that kind of feeling? Do you think you don't hold that burden? Do you think you can get rid of us? Of me!?"

"I can."

Mother shook her head. "You can't."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because you are me and I am you. Deep down, you see yourself in my own eyes," And I peered into them. Logically approaching it, I did...

And even emotionally, in the psychotic sense of my head–I could see myself staring up at Mother, memories bringing back nothing but deep pain. "You, Rie," She scoffed. "You can't even stabilize your relationship with me. Whatmore, a boy?"

Then, she added, "Do you even love that boy? Truthfully, Rie–are you really in love with him?"

This was the only chance I had to be honest–and the last chance I had to save our trust in each other or break it eternally. I could finally come to terms with the questions Dad had given me, with the weight that Teacher Fujii bore in a single fruit for me–and I could let it drop, right now. I could let the ball fall and get the anger that festered in me to finally... dissipate.

Then, I heard it.

A soft shuffle. A knuckle accidentally hit the wooden surface. Nishimura Riki was still there.

"Sato Rie. Answer me."

"What's your name, then?" He didn't know mine? I can't clearly remember if he asked, nor can I remember if we ever held a conversation after I was held in his arms. He fully turned around by now, legs spread around the back of his chair, awaiting a response. I pressed my glasses closer to my face, swallowing down hard.

"Sato Rie," I said.

"Sato Rie," He repeated, feeling how my name tasted on his tongue. Then, he laughed a little. "Your name means something like 'the origin of logic.' You look... just like your name."

"I..." I swallowed, finally coming to terms with my truth internally– "I truly love him."

But not externally.

I am not in love with Nishimura Riki. I am not living in true love–and rather, like Dad said, it was romance, that is under the mask, fear. I am not logical when it comes to Riki's appearance, and because of that, I am unable to let him go.

I am not my name.

I am... being illogical–the exact opposite of the girl Nishimura Riki fell in love with.

And I hated that more than lying to everyone's face–even my own.