05 ☆ ( "I CAN'T DO THIS." )

I got on the train, Hanae, Sunoo, and Jungwon following behind me quietly. "Hanae," Sunoo nudged her, unknowing of the fact he talked a little bit too loud that I could hear him. "What happened to Sato? Why does she look so down?"

"Don't ask," Hanae huffed, leaning against the pole. Jungwon placed a safety arm behind her, holding his hand over her head so that he could grab onto one of the handles. "It's Nishimura."

I swallowed, gripping my bag as if it held millions of dollars in it. If it could suck me in, protect me from the outside world... I would live in it for the rest of my life. "Oh, it's Nishimura!"

Damn it. I lifted my head and saw him jogging over to our train, the doors almost closing. He ran a little faster, and if I was correct by the amount of time it would take for the doors to close, he could make it in and take the seat right next to me. My heart pounded and my eyes widened. I couldn't go through that right now. No, not with this rejection that began to swallow me like I was bait on a hook. No–I wasn't going to let him talk to me. If I did, I'm pretty sure I'd sob.

"Anyway, Rie, are you– W-wait, Rie! Where are you going!?" I grabbed my bag and charged out of the train just as Riki entered, the doors closing right behind me. Riki widened his eyes as he faced me, tilting his head in confusion at my actions. I stared right through him, wanting to read him, wanting to gauge what was going on in his head–but the more I stared, the more fogged my mind became.

Riki took a step forward as the train began accelerating, unable to take his eyes off me until he was no longer in sight. I swallowed as I stood there, holding back the tears I so desperately wanted to shove away. Still, they fell to the concrete, my head lowering at the sun's glow.

A fool. I was a fool. No matter how else I convince myself, no matter what Sunoo could tell me about how humans are most illogical therefore it cancels out... I hated being that way, but I was. I was a fool. What kind of world did I think I was getting into? I knew from the moment I met Riki that there was no chance, no possibility of us getting together anywhere else than the classroom or the train would happen. Even from that special day in spring, when he caught me and saved me... in his eyes, the notorious glimmer was like a flashing camera. He was a star.

I'm so embarrassed. I dropped my bag to my feet, covered my face, and pushed up my glasses, sobbing. How could I let a guy encase me in so much humiliation? Was I ridiculed in such a way that I felt like a villain? I didn't even talk to him when I entered. When I saw him drink the water, I turned around, facing Hanae with an ill look. All we did after was walk away–I don't even know if he saw me.

Maybe I should live on another planet, an ideal habitat perfect for a singular human. I've heard there are studies about landing humans on Mars, but I don't even think I want to be alive on the planet. I want my soul to sit there, amidst its current, just idle.

Life would be good on Saturn. It's the complexity of particles that swirl around the big orb would take me in its comfort and twirl me around, similar to a ballroom dance, and do it over and over again. It would never make me dizzy, not like the way he had made me feel as I walked back into the building.

I got on the next train quickly, watching the sun in its low glow. I checked the time with glassy eyes–it was almost sunset. I guess I was self-studying for quite some time.

When I got off at my usual stop, I saw a person standing on the platform. The familiarity of brown hair attracted me to them until they lifted their head, showing their face. "Sato," Jungwon began. "Oh, sorry. Rie."

"Why are you here?" I asked, wiping under my eyes in case there were leftover tears that stuck to my skin. Although there were none, he must've seen the sadness in my red eyes. "You usually walk home with Hanae. I'm doing fine."

"You're not," Jungwon said. "And I know that. I've been there with Hanae. Although I know things are now different, I know what it feels like to lose hope."

"I haven't lost anything. I didn't gain anything either. I'm just returning to my usual life, Jungwon," I stood there, clearing my throat. "I was mistaking some kind of feeling for this other feeling, and, and– it's gotten too complex, to be honest. I made it harder than it needed to be, when in simplicity, I was just wrong."

I took a step back at my words, scoffing. "Human emotions are not supposed to be like that."

"You're not a robot, Rie," Jungwon huffed. "Humans are made to be complex. We're not supposed to be self-aware. We're made to make mistakes, feel things, and destroy. We are made to do things that aren't supposed to feel right, but we do them anyway. That's nature for us."

"It's not for me, Jungwon," I sniffled, unable to admit it. "My life is made to be a direct line to success. I am not made for any detours."

"No road is a straight, singular line. If it was, there would still be traffic. Heck, there might be even more issues," He spoke, trying to smile. "It's okay to feel the way you do, but you shouldn't run away from it. I don't mean to meddle, but–"

"I'm fine, Jungwon," I sternly repeated, not wanting to delve into the main issue at hand. I could take all these side conversations about my feelings but none... about him. "I will figure it out."

"You won't until you face it," He returned my tone, crossing his arms. "But that's okay. One of you will come to terms with how you feel–and eventually, you'll stop feeling that pain."

"One of us?" Jungwon's eyes shifted, something different in the relaxation of his eyelids. He cleared his throat, briefly pressing his fingers against his biceps.

"Don't hurt yourself trying to appease your head, Rie. Your heart pumps oxygen to live, and your brain simply thinks. Besides your opinionated logic, if we look at the textbooks... I think you can tell what's more important."

I kept my silence, blinking swiftly. The train arrived for him after he took his last inhale, opening its doors. "Get home safe, Rie," Jungwon firmly stated, holding onto the pole right by the door. "And see you tomorrow."

And as I did with Riki, I watched him until he was out of sight, eventually crouching to my knees and letting my brain pound.

"Okay, that's all for history today," Teacher Fujii stated, putting down his chalk. "Let's take a quick break before we move into English. I'll be back."

Teacher Fujii looked at me with authority, transferring it through eye contact. I nodded slowly, looking back to my textbook. Teacher Fujii lingered for a moment, possibly still staring, but I didn't spare him another glance. He simply walked away, leaving me with the task of making sure nobody got hurt. Riki began to turn around, wanting me to stare, but I put in my headphones, hoping that he'd get the message.

Yet he didn't.

He grabbed one of the wires and gently yanked the earbud out of my right ear, leaving it bare enough so that he could speak. "Bubblegum girl," Riki called out to me, but I picked up my pencil. He pushed it back down. "Rie."

"I'm busy," I muttered, lifting my eyes. They met his, a sense of softness encasing the pupil of his eyes. I swallowed, my heart beginning to hammer, and gave into my head once more. I looked back down at the textbook. "Very busy."

"What happened to you yesterd– Rie, where are you go– hey!" I got up without a word, slammed my headphones to the desk, and walked away from Riki, evading my duties as class president. I sped through the slightly busy hall, hearing swift footsteps not far from me. It was like a wild goose chase with him continuously yelling my name, and people turning our way. "Rie, stop–"

"I can't do this," I whispered, gathering my hands close to my chest as I swung around toward the staircase. Just before I could step down, his hand pulled my arm toward him, my body spinning as if I was on Saturn–the ballroom dance on its rings.

Landing in the proximity of his arms, his face is above mine, our breaths ragged. "Rie..." He looked between my eyes, glancing at my open mouth. "Why are you running away from me?"

"I, I–" I couldn't speak, glasses beginning to tilt off my face. "I"m not."

"What is this situation that we're in, then?" Riki furrowed his eyebrows. "You aren't like this."

"You don't know me that well, Riki."

"I know you better than you know yourself, Rie," Riki muttered, eyes interlocked with mine. "Far better."

I shook my head. "We've only known each other for a few weeks, Riki."

"I've known about you," He paused, holding back. He blinked for the first time in what felt like minutes, breaking his confidence. "I've observed you in that short amount of time to know what you're about, Rie. If there's an issue between us, please, I want to resolve it. I don't want something to break us apart."

I pushed him away, straightening myself and fixing my glasses. He stood there, waiting for me to say something, but there was no way I could put it. I'd sound selfish, as if I wanted all this attention, when in fact, I just wanted to give him water. Or, at least, that's what I thought I wanted. I keep switching up. I can't remember what I even wanted at that moment except for the fact that I ultimately failed to do it. "Nothing happened between us. I'm just not feeling well."

"Rie," Riki pleaded, grabbing my shoulders. It wasn't as rough as I thought he might be–he was gentle. "Was it about yesterday? At the soccer field? Or, even prior to that, when my friends came in?"

I was shocked. Could Riki have read my mind? No, that's realistically impossible.

My face ran through millions of microexpressions, trying to decode what was the look on his face when it seemed to hit him. I guess when I turned away, he realized I was there the whole time. Would things have been different if I went back in time, lingered, or even... come earlier?

No. They wouldn't. Now that I think about it, none of those situations would have pointed to success. They all pointed to bitterness and failure.

"Rie," His eyebrows raised, hand dragging down from my shoulder to my wrist. "I'm sorry."

"You don't even know what you're sorry for–"

"For doing that in front of you," Riki said. "Even though I think we both know it's stupid, I invited you out. You were the only girl I wanted to see."

What? Wait... what?

I was baffled, but after his apology, I could make out a few words. "You make me sound stupid."

"You're jealous," Riki stated, deciphering what I presumed to be that ill-feeling. I know what it is when it comes to anything else but romance. Does jealousy always feel that way? "And I can be that way when it comes to you, too."

"Jealous?" I asked him although it seemed obvious. Despite my stupid question, he nodded. "You're jealous of me?"

"Not of you, Rie."

"Then–"

"Of the people around you," Riki sighed, smiling. "I hope you get what I mean. If you don't, I can put it into easier words, but–I want to be someone closer to you, Rie. I don't want you to push me away, not like this. If you're angry with me, or if you're feeling something complex, let me know. I'll make it right."

Hearing him say this made something in me fluctuate. Was it my heart, my head, or my emotions? I was swayed by it–because this fight was a battle between me and myself. For him to intervene and fix things for both parties although it was never his fault... I was speechless.

"You're human, Rie," Riki smiled wider, pulling me closer by my limp limb. I took two steps forward, the two of us inches away from each other. "And so am I. Let's try and fix things together. Okay?"

"Okay," I hesitated briefly, manipulated by his words. I swallowed, nodding, trying to make it sound more certain.

"Okay."