I take in a deep breath, my eyes fixated on the sign before me, Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center Main Entrance. Cancer. The word I am so sick of right now...

"You don't have to come in with me if you don't want to."

I look over at Emma and give her a soft smile. You have to be brave for her, Samantha. "I am here for you. Always."

She smiles back. "I know."

Taking her hand in mine, I whisper, "We got this."

She nods and together we walk up to the doors that swish open for us.

We follow the signs guiding us to the pediatrics ward. Emma already sort of knows her way around here. She had already met with the doctors. They were able to remove the tumor in her liver last month. Recovery for her was not fun. But being a good older sister I sat at her bedside as often as I could until she started feeling better.

According to what my parents and Emma were willing to share with me, Emma has lymphoma. And according to the little research I did, lymphoma is a blood cancer and can spread to other organs, like in Emma's case. I believe it's called advanced lymphoma. It doesn't look good. But I believe Emma will be a survivor. Emma is a survivor.

Emma never got sick.

Until now.

The doctors warned us that treatment isn't going to be that simple and may take a big toll on Emma's body. As if my sister isn't going through enough as it is. She's only fifteen. The world can be cruel, can't it?

Mom and Dad were needed at the clinic today so I am now here with her.

Her big sister will always be here for her.

The place smells sterile which is a good sign. We can't afford for Emma to catch new germs.

Emma strides over to the receptionist's desk, MSK Kids is written in big blue letters on the wall behind. The lady sitting at the computer gives a big smile. It's an infectious smile and Emma is smiling too. But I don't smile. What is there to be happy about?

"What can I do for you?" She asks.

"Hi my name is Emma Silverman, I have an appointment for nine."

"Date of birth?"

"September fifth, two thousand and nine."

The lady begins to type on the keyboard, her long cherry-red nails tapping away. "Ah, there you are," she smiles. Does she ever not smile? "Before I take you to your appointment, would you like a mask? I know Covid 19 isn't going around much anymore, but a lot of people still ask for a mask for precautions and we recommend it to take safety measures."
So why aren't you wearing a mask then, I want to ask.

Emma and I nod and she hands us masks. I hate wearing a mask cause I feel like I can't breathe but the patients here are immune compromised and I can't risk spreading germs to them. Thank God Emma didn't get sick in 2019!

"Now you can follow me."

The lady whose name tag reads Stephanie, leads us down an endless hallway. I look back and forth between Emma's hot-pink-clad back in front of me and the colorful butterfly stickers on the walls right and left of us.

We enter a long rectangular room where comfy, padded, reclining chairs are lined up. Some of the chairs are already occupied and  Stephanie guides Emma to one of the empty chairs to the left. This is where she is going to be receiving chemotherapy.

"Make yourself comfy and a nurse will be with you shortly." She smiles.

"Thank you." Emma takes her seat.

There's a chair next to Emma's for those who accompany the patient and I sink into it, finally resting my tired feet.

I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night due to nerves for today and then we had to be up early this morning for Emma's appointment so we could travel the one hour or so drive to Manhattan. She's scheduled as one of the first appointments. I check Emma's face to see if she's as nervous and exhausted as I am, but Emma is always good at hiding her emotions.

"I need caffeine," I announce, standing up. "I'm going to find the cafeteria. Do you want anything?"

"No, thank you. I have water in my bag."

"Ok. I'll see you soon." I walk off. As if I know where I'm going.

I get lost a few times, until some kind, middle-aged man in blue scrubs offers to take me to the cafeteria.

"Thank you," I tell him, struggling to keep up with his quick pace. My black flats scid on the freshly mopped floor and it takes me a moment to catch my footing.

"You ok?" The man asks.

"Yeah, thank you." My heart is going thump, thump, thump, and I breathe in to calm my nerves. This exhaustion is getting to me.

"Just this way," he says and that's when I see the sign for the cafeteria.

What a relief.

We enter the cafeteria and I thank him once more before heading for the coffee station.

With a hot cup in hand, I make my way around the rest of the cafeteria, checking out the other options they have.

Sweet aromas tickle my nostrils as I glance over the breakfast 'menu'. I end up just heading back up to Emma since we did bring some food with us and that's good enough for now.

I enter the room, sipping my coffee slowly, when I notice that Emma isn't alone.

A nurse stands over her. She's already hooked up to the chemo drip and I feel awful. Emma almost hates needles as much as I do. I mean who does like needles? Doctors. Nurses. Mom. Dad. I promised Emma I would hold her hand. Besides for hating needles, she also has bad veins and sometimes needs to get pricked several times. I don't know how the chemo drip works but I'm sure she was pricked and didn't like it and I wasn't there to hold her hand.

Some big sister I am.

The nurse turns around as I approach. He's what you'll call 'hot nurse material' with dark skin, in contrast to striking green eyes.

"That's my sister Samantha I was telling you about. Isn't she a beauty? It's a real shame that she's already spoken for."

I give Emma my death glare as heat rises to my cheeks.

I'm not the beauty. Emma is. With her fair skin and golden blonde hair. If it wasn't for our similar doe brown eyes and same nose and chin we most likely wouldn't pass as sisters.

I'm the dark sister with olive skin and boring brown hair. I get it from Dad's side of the family. Emma is a spinning image of Mom.

"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Emma's nurse for the day, Dimitri."

"Nice to meet you too," I say as I take another sip from my coffee. It's beginning to go cold.

"I'll be back soon to check up on you," he tells Emma. "If you need anything press the nurses' call button."

She nods and he walks off, leaving us two sisters alone.

I sit down and rummage through our bag, pulling out a cereal bar. "Want anything?" I ask Emma.

"No, thank you."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here before."

She looks my way briefly. "It's ok." And then she's back glancing down at her phone and popping her earbuds in.

Is it ok?

Sighing, I pull my own phone out of my jeans pocket to see that I missed a text from Cole.

We on for tonight?

I type back. Yeah, will be in touch...

I receive a reply a moment later. Can't wait!

That makes me smile. Meeting up with Cole later is something I'm looking forward to.

Glancing over at Emma, I see that she's still busy watching some show on her phone. The coffee didn't help much, I'm still exhausted and have to drive us home when this is all over. A nap sounds good about now.

I close my eyes and let sleep overcome me.

<>

"Hey, beautiful." Cole smiles as I enter his black Impala. "How was your day?"

"Long," I start. "There was so much traffic on the way back from Manhattan and Emma was nauseous. She threw up all over the car, it was awful and gross."

"Was it from the chemo?" He seems concerned and that's what I love about him. How he cares for Emma as if she was his baby sister too when he already has three sisters of his own.

I shrug. "I don't know. She does tend to get car sick so could've been that."

"How is she feeling now?"

"Tired," I reply. "She's in her room resting."

I glance back at the house, my eyes moving up to Emma's bedroom window. Her light pink drapes are drawn close.

"Are you hungry?"

I look back at Cole. "Famished."

"Let's go get some food then." He grins as he pulls out of our driveway and heads into town.

<>

We end up going to Jose's Casa, he sure makes the best Tacos in town.

"Hola." Jose smiles big and he waves to us when we enter, the small bell above the door announcing our arrival.

"Hola Jose." Cole approaches the brightly lit counter where Jose stands behind preparing Tacos.

The spicy aroma, makes my mouth water. I am hungry and ready to eat.

I give my order and take a seat at the table for two in the corner of the store. It's a small space and we seem to be the only customers at the moment. Cole is still busy chatting with Jose. I love how Cole can make friends with anyone and everyone no matter their race. That's also what I love about our small village in Rockland County. There are all different types of people that just mingle together. Mainly friendly people.

And Cole is super friendly.

He was the one to approach me in first grade, a huge smile plastered on his adorable, boyish face. His teeth were too big for his mouth back then and I found myself smiling back at him. From that day on we were best of friends.

We didn't start dating till after high school. Cole said he didn't want to lose me and that he loved me. And well, I loved him too. And the rest is history.

Cole is my soul mate. That I know.

Our food is ready and Cole places my taco before me.

"Delicioso," he says, sitting down in the neon orange chair across from me.

"One hundred percent," I agree, digging into my taco.

Juice drips down my chin and I wipe it away with a napkin. Tacos sure are messy.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" Cole asks when we're done eating.

"I'm working at the clinic," I reply, taking a sip of coke.

"Fun, fun."

"Why'd you ask?"

"Was just curious. Thought you might be going into Manhattan again."

"Thank God, no. Emma gets treatment every other week."

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah..."

An awkward silence greets us.

Before Emma got sick, conversation flow always seemed easy for us. Now, I feel like things have become a bit stiff.

We still enjoy each other's company and that is what's most important.

"Ready to get rolling?" Cole finally breaks the silence.

"Yeah, let's go."

He offers me his hand and I take it, his hand engulfing mine. I love the feel of my small hand in his large one.

Things are just not the same though. And that bothers me.

My baby sister is sick. The world has become cruel.

And where do I fall into all of this? That I'm still trying to figure out.

The best big sister. That is what I am or at least trying to be.