He wrapped his arms around me.

I was taken aback and shocked but quickly registered it and looked at him. I fumbled with the sleeve of my thick sweater. I could see that deep in his eyes was uncertainty and fear and reached a hand out to press my palm against his cheek. We were in my bedroom holding hands when he suddenly did this. It was so unexpected and unprecedented. he had never kissed me before.

His face got closer and closer till mine until we could both feel our breath on each other's lips. I tried moving my face closer but he back away a bit. My eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. I waited for so long I started getting tired. My legs started to burn slightly and the muscles in my body were all tense and stiff. His gaze flicked constantly and it was only when he sighed and let go then I knew he could not do it. He could not kiss me.

"Why?" I asked, the hurt evident in my voice. I glanced at him and he looked distressed.

"I am so sorry, Yoko...I-I just can't." His voice broke and something in my heart plummeted. "I can't fake it anymore. I can't go around in my life pretending to look down girls' shirts or looking up their skirt. I can't pretend anymore that I am attracted to girls. I am so sorry, Yoko, I am g-gay."

I stared at him. We have been dating for two months and I always suspected something was wrong. But not this. It should have been cheating. It should have been that something depressing occurred. But not this. It could not be this. After all these weeks spent together, I could not accept the fact that he was not who I thought he was.

However, I put my arm around him and whispered, "It's okay, Isaac, it's okay."

I wake up in cold sweat and looked around in oblivion, my hair whipping around. After a few minutes, then I realised that I was in my bedroom, just two days away from the bake sale contest, five days after the asthma attack, and not sucked into the past. 

After Isaac confessed, we stayed neutral. I was not sure how to feel about it. We have been dating for so long but I felt...nothing. Empty. Like an empty vacuum. It must have been because I never actually loved him. Sure, I had a crush on him for a long time but I never really had the idea of going hard-on with him till we were adults. Not like that.

I got off the bed and found that my hair was sticking to my sweaty forehead and wiped it away with my hand. I was feeling a little excited about the bake sale contest but a cynical part of me was telling me that I would never get first prize this time. Or any other time. It was just another impending doom that was waiting to happen. 

Like my entire life. I once had the illusion that life was an adventure filled with fun and liveliness. I once had the illusion that if I tried hard enough, be as positive as I could, then things would be great. I once had the illusion that by no means would anybody ever get a hell of life. But after what I had gone through, what people call 'rocky roads', I felt that I had been living a lie. If this was what I deserved, then I did not want to be trapped here anymore. 

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Mr Hamilton paced around the classroom, looking into each of our eyes. "So, today people, we are going to learn to bake some simple brownies." Everybody groaned except me and I felt slightly superior to the rest of my classmates. Well, for a short while. "Of course, I would be pairing you up and you would get to work together. There are recipes one every table and I expect your work as a team."

At this, I felt a little dejected. As you can see, human interaction was not really my thing.  I sighed and held on to the edge of the table till my knuckles turned white. As Mr Hamilton's eyes met mine, he seemed to smile a bit. I did not return it and averted his gaze. I had no idea if he had some confidence in me or if he was some womaniser.

He started pairing people up and I tensed, praying it could be someone quiet like me. When he got to my name, I waited with bated breath and watched as he pointed to some blonde boy in the front of the classroom. 

The boy turned around and started heading to my table. As he got closer, I could see that he was wearing glasses and was so skinny and lanky that his shirt looked like it was hanging on him and could drop off anytime. He was the guy that collided into me a few days ago. I have never seen him before in class. Then again, I did not really look at anybody in class.

He held out his hand and said, "Hi, I am Spencer. Junior. Male. Virgin."

I was so shocked by this I just stared at him. He stared back with expectant eyes and I realised we had been staring at each other for too long. Feeling embarrassed, I could feel heat rushing up to my cheeks. I quickly muttered my name Yoko and looked at Mr Hamilton going through the brownie recipe. While everybody listens to him, I could feel Spencer's presence right beside me. My heartbeat felt a little louder as well.

"So while you people go bake brownies, I am going to just go to the teachers' lounge to...bye," he said before rushing out of the classroom. The minute he was gone, everybody got to work.

"So the recipe says here that we need three eggs. Do you have them?" Spencer asked me, examining the recipe. 

I just nodded my head even though I knew he could not see me and cracked the eggs into the bowl, starting to prepare the other ingredients. Spencer just stood awkwardly beside me and started whistling, shoving his hands in his pocket. I ignore him and continued preparing the things to bake. It was a quite moment-me working while Spencer stood by watching. And I thought it would be like that-till he spoke up.

"Do you need help?" He asked, adjusting his glasses.

I shook my head vehemently, hoping he would take the hint.

"Well, could I just...," He was about to continue but I just shook my head again. "Okay."

Another awkward silence rushed over the both of us and I could tell that he was feeling slightly distressed. 

"Wait a minute. You are Yoko Hishinoya!" He asked, excitement bubbling in his voice. This made my ears perk up. How did he know my full name? I looked at him curiously. "I am Spencer! Well, I said that before. But I am that guy from kindergarten, remember?"

Then it came rushing back to me. This blonde and chubby little boy was walking up to me one day when I was around the age of seven. He was not wearing glasses at that time and I remembered me playing in the sandbox, trying to built what looked like a sand castle. 

"Hey, Yoko, do you need help?" He had asked and I looked up, smiling. 

"Sure. Help me with that bucket there?" I pointed at the blue bucket lying on the other side of the sandbox.

Spencer said happily, " Okay!" I remembered him while walking to the other side, he slipped and fell.

On my castle.

Splattering sand everywhere.

My mouth had been wide open in horror and I stared at the mess. Heaps of sand on each other. And that one tiny red flag which was supposed to go on the highest tower was now broken in half. Spencer stood up and wiped the sand stuck to his pants. When he saw what he caused, he started laughing-real hard. He clenched his stomach and his guffaws rang out across the playground. I was oblivious to this that even I started laughing.

When I got home, my mother was horrified. Her eyebrows were creased with worry and she immediately made me go and take a shower while she hand-washed the shirt. The next day, I went back to preschool and was delighted to find Spencer again.

"Hey!" I greeted and ran up to him. 

His eye lighted up and he replied, "Heylo!"

I was momentarily confused. "Heylo?"

"Yes, Heylo," he said, grinning.

"I will call you 'sandboy', the boy who made me get scolded by my mother," I said, making ild gestures in the air. I glanced at him to see his reaction.

"Sandboy? I like it," He replied.

We started going to classes together and walking back home afterward. He seemed so content with me. We hanged out so much that other kids started making fun of us. They called us a couple  but I just stuck my own nose in the air and ignored them. That was the side of me that had not been seen for a long time. However, it was that year when he transferred to another preschool due to family issues. I have not seen him for a long time after that. And even forgotten about him.

"Sandboy?" I looked up at that blonde boy across the table, staring at me with hopeful eyes. 

He broke into a huge smile and whispered, "Yoko."

I dropped whatever ingredient I was holding and hugged him. Spencer. Sandboy. After all these years, he was finally here. In my arms. I took a step back and could feel a smile struggling to come out. I took a step back and took him in. Those bright, blue eyes were so striking and familiar I wondered how I missed it.

Spencer.

"So...need any help?" he asked.

I took a a breath and said, "Yes."

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I walked back home by myself, feeling lighter than I ever had in years. Once I reached home, I went to open the door and what greeted me was my parents' voices. And they were arguing again. I could hear their voices echo from the hallway. My stomach clenched and I frowned. Being careful not to be heard, I tiptoed to a corner and listened hard.

"あなたが何かをする私を強制することはできません！私はこの家族のためにお金を稼ぐために私のお尻をオフに従属しています！" I heard my father shout out loud, anger bubbling in his voice.

"それはあなただけオフに行くと別の女性と一緒に出て行くことができるという意味ではありません！" my mother's scream was so loud, I jumped in fear. I had not heard my mother scream like this since a long ago. A shiver went down my spine and felt sick.

"残念な！私はもうこの家族と一緒に行うには何もするつもりはありません！"My father retorted and I heard a plate breaking.

"赤ちゃんについては何？" my mother asked, almost whispering. Her voice was shaky and I could feel that she felt defeated. And tired.

Then I realised what she said. She was pregnant. Of all the things that could have happened, I was getting a sibling. I deflated and closed my eyes. Suddenly, my father stomped past me and I jumped back. I bet he never noticed me. Or noticed this family at all.

A flame inside me ignited and I felt anger. It was so fresh that I felt relived. I was angry. No, furious. At my father. I bit the side of my mouth till I tasted blood and went to the kitchen. My mother was crumpled on the floor and was sobbing. Then, out of nowhere, I could see that her stomach was a little curved. How did I miss that all this while? Seeing her cry made me feel like crying. But I bristled myself and stood straighter.

I sat next to my mother and tentatively touched my mother's shoulder. She seemed to accept the gesture and leaned in towards me. We held on to each other for a long time. She kept her hand on her stomach and I kept mine around her. I could not afford to lose her now. Or ever.