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But nothing comes close to this kind of heavy
Nothing comes close
There is no letting go 'til you're ready
Everyone knows
Nothing comes close
• This Kind Of Heavy; Belle Mt.•
╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

𖥸┈┈┈𖥸┈┈┈𖥸┈┈┈𖥸

They left Jolene's farm just before dawn. She hadn't spoken much to Daryl after his little explosive episode at her the couple of hours before. They packed up two backpacks she had found in the basement, taking some clothes and canned goods. She had packed a bit extra and put more pictures in her pack. She had a strange feeling that this would most likely be her only chance at saving these memories. She wouldn't be back here for a long time, if ever.

She surprised Daryl by being up and almost done preparing to leave before he was. She had cautiously slipped out of the bed, letting her eyes fall onto his sleeping face. He had resorted to laying back in the chair again, no longer warming the bed beside her after he called her out on being weak. Not that she blamed him, or hated him for calling her out. He was right, she knew he was. Which was why she would try extra hard to prove her worth. She wasn't weak, or atleast not as weak as he thought she was. She could be a useful member of the group, and not just the ex-nurse of them all. That bit helped, though.

The first thing she did when she woke up was cry by her father's grave. She whispered promises that she would try to make it back one day and that she would never forget him. She had been outside, perched on the back step and whittling away on a stick when Daryl made his way outside. Her eyes were red but dry, she had cried so much that she then vowed to herself that she wouldn't allow her emotions to get the best of her again. The sun was just coming up over the line of trees surrounding the farm and Jolene could start to feel the warmth that would soon envelope them on their journey. She glanced up and over her shoulder, "Made you one, too. Can't risk using that gun on our walk." She gestured to the pointed stick leaning against the step beside her before going back to finish the one she was currently working on.

He didn't say anything, giving her a grunt of acknowledgment before giving the makeshift weapon a once over. "It'll do." He mumbled, more to himself than to Jolene. The backpack was already pulled taut over his shoulders, but with his free hand Daryl reached back and plucked the wrapped squirrel meat from his back pocket. The jeans he found in her father's room were big on him, but he had taken it upon himself to rummage in the closet more until he found a belt. 

Unwrapping the towel, Daryl held his hand out and offered some to Jolene. She silently took the squirrel meat from Daryl's outstretched palm, nodding her head at him as a means of thanks before quickly chewing and swallowing down the greasy meat. She wiped her fingers off on the leg of her jeans, ridding her skin from the thin layer of grease before she went back to finishing shaving the edge of the stick into a point.

Once she was done, she stood and pulled on the backpack she had packed up just a few short hours ago. They set off in silence, Jolene leading the way purely out of memory. They kept to the wooded areas, only crossing the asphalt when they had to change direction. Four hours into walking, Daryl spoke up and told her to sit for a moment because he had to take a leak. How charming, she had thought to herself. After he wandered back to the clearing Jolene had sat herself down against a large tree stump, rubbing at her thighs to ease the slight muscle ache she was feeling from walking.

She looked up when she heard the leaves crunching under the heavy boots, eyes meeting Daryl's before she quickly looked away. She hated this feeling. She felt like a little kid that had been chastised by one of their parents. She knew that he was rough around the edges from the moment she laid eyes on Daryl, but it was something else when you were on the receiving end of it. Her heart was sputtering like a struggling old engine inside of her chest, pulling her breath away from her lungs.

She used to take pride in being a perfectionist. She graduated top of her nursing class and landed her dream job the day after she passed the boards. Her father had been so proud of her, eventually realizing that he should have never tried to keep her from living out her dream. She knew he wanted her to take over the farm one day, and maybe she would have, had things turned out different than they did.

"I know you don't want to hear it," Jolene spoke up after a few more minutes of awkward silence passed over them, "but I'm sorry for getting you all into this mess. I-it could've played out differently if I had only used my brain and realized there was no way you had taken out the real Negan." She had her hands wrapped around her calves, knees pulled in taut against her chest. The guilt of it all was unbearable, weighing down on her as if she was carrying the world on her shoulders.

"Aint nothin' you did. Nothin' ya coulda done differently." Daryl took a seat across from her on the forest floor, stretching his back out slightly before looking over at her. It was rare for him to ever feel remorse for saying what he felt was the truth. And he didn't feel remorse for what he said to her to hurt her, not really, but he didn't want her emotions to affect anything else at this point. There was way too much at stake. They just had to get to the hilltop. Jesus would have most likely gotten word to Rick and the rest of the group by now and they'd come up with a plan.

Rick always had a plan. And Daryl, well he would always be there to help him carry it out. He was loyal to Rick and Jolene admired that about him. Really, she admired all of them. Each for their own reasons of course but she counted her blessings that Daryl had been willing to bring her back to Alexandria. The saviors weren't the first group of people she had run into, and they surprisingly weren't the worst. She shuddered at the memories of the men she had run into right after Gary's death. They did not deserve space in her memories.

"War wit' Negan was bound to happen." He pulled out the revolver, checking it out obsessively before he tucked it back into the waistband of his jeans. His head shook with the movement of the rest of his body, hair shifting back from his eyes which allowed him to get a better, unobscured view of Jolene. She had closed her eyes and allowed her head to lean back, a soft breeze carrying through the grass and sent a gentle tingle down her spine.

She gave him a soft "hmm" as her reply, hands untangling from themselves as she let her head shift to the side to stretch out the muscles in her neck. There was a part of her that thought maybe the hilltop would allow her to take a car, or atleast the motorcycle that Jesus had driven back from the savior compound, so she could leave Virginia in the dust. If she was gone, further up North like Carson had suggested, maybe things would be better. She knew she was being too optimistic in thinking that there were more communities that would welcome her, take her in as if she were one of their own.

With being a nurse, having the medical knowledge helped her out in most situations. She had a special skill set, one that was so deeply needed in this day and age. She could help others, she could do so much good. Her eyes finally opened and she found Daryl watching her. His eyes almost seemed to vibrate as he scanned her from head to toe, shifting side to side as he watched her. When he made it to her face and realized she was looking right back at him, she swore she noticed the skin of his neck and cheeks tinge a deep red.

She had gotten ready to open her mouth and tell him of her plans to head North when the all too familiar sound of groaning echoed around them in the trees. Both of them jumped up, hands tightly gripping her makeshift weapon as they looked around to try and spot where the groaning was coming from. She spotted a straggler to the west of them, her eyes squinting slightly. "Fresh one." She muttered with a sigh, nodding her head over at the struggling corpse.

Daryl followed her line of sight, "I'll get it. May be more on the way."

Jolene was chewing on her bottom lip again. There was a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach as she followed behind Daryl, one step closer to the dead with each moment that ticked by. "Wait-" she reached forward and grabbed Daryl's elbow. He quickly shrugged her off and she swallowed down the hurt that he didn't want her touching him. "I-I know him." She told him, a frown forming on her lips as she stepped around Daryl and headed towards the straggling undead.

"Jacob." She sighed, clutching the makeshift weapon and raising it to eye level before she lunged forward, stabbing into the skull of the boy she once knew. When the body crumbled to the ground, Jolene followed suit. She was kneeling by the head, yanking the spear out and letting it rest by her side on the ground. She could feel Daryl's presence behind her but she remained silent as she stared down at Jacob, flesh rotting from his bone but in rather good condition still. That was how she knew he had only became one of those things recently, a guilty pang in her chest pulled a sob from her throat.

"Friend of yours?"

Jolene nodded solemnly, her eyes remaining on the corpse at her feet. "My first friend. My first everything." She blinked hard, hoping he didn't see the tears welling in her eyes. Not even a full day after she vowed to not get emotional and here she was holding back tears over a man she hadn't seen since she was a teenager. She heard Daryl shuffling behind her and she quickly pulled herself out of the haze, "We should keep going. We should make it to the hilltop by the time the sun is down."

She stood up and pulled her spear up with her, stepping past Jacob, quickly brushing the back of her hand against her cheek to wipe away the tears before looking at Daryl. He was looking at her with pity and she hated that. His outburst from earlier replaying in the back of her mind and Jolene couldn't help but hold her hand up the moment she saw his mouth open, "I don't need or want your pity. I'm fine. It's the end of the world. I haven't even spoken to him since we were eighteen. It's not a loss. Not really, anyway."

"I ain't sayin' nothin' 'bout it." He muttered with a roll of his eyes.

Jolene gave him a look, something that screamed yeah right, asshole, and then just waved him off and continued on the path towards hilltop.

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They walked for two more hours before deciding to stop again. Jolene stretched her legs out infront of her as she sat on the ground. The boots she found were from when she was a teenager, smaller than she remembered. Her feet felt like meat being shoved into its casing, forcefully being formed into the shape everyone know and loved. Fucking sausages. That's what her feet were. Her toes were so crammed together she could feel the skin between them rubbing right off the bone. Just another thing to not complain about.

Daryl wandered off, but not too far, more than likely to relieve himself. Jolene let her head fall forward, landing right into both of her hands. The idea of continuing her journey further north was lingering in the back of her mind. Once they got to the hilltop, she would have time to properly prepare herself to head back out. The only difference is that she would be alone.

She had been so lost in thought that she didn't hear the crunching of leaves off to the right of her. She looked up when Daryl's shadow enveloped her curled up frame, sucking in a deep breath as she realized she hadn't been paying any attention to her surroundings. She was smarter than that, most of the time anyway.

"Ye ready?"

Daryl furrowed his brows as he stared down at her. He wanted to say more. He wanted to scold her for day dreaming but by the sad look in her eyes as she stared up at him, he reluctantly decided against it. She had the same broken look Carol used to have, the new woman in her skin was hardened and eventually - hopefully for her sake and everyone around her - Jolene would be the same.

Jolene offered a silent nod and stood up. She brushed herself off and started back off through the trees. She didn't bother looking back at him, she could hear the heavy footsteps following her. They were just a few miles out from the hilltop and she could deal with the awkward silence if they picked up the pace some more.

It only took them another thirty minutes or so to reach the bottom of the slope that would bring them up to the fortress they set out for. By now the sun had set and the road up was dark so Jolene took her time with each step. Her hands reached up to tuck the stray strands of hair that were hanging in her eyes back behind her ears. She could feel the muscles in her thighs tensing with each inclined step and as soon as she saw the wooden barrier and heard the shouts to open the gate, she swore she could feel the bundle of nerves unravel within her.

Jesus welcomed her with open arms. Daryl lingered in the back, just happy to be amongst people who weren't a part of the saviors. Jolene took in a deep breath, Jesus' warm scent enveloped her senses and she felt safe. Her hands held onto the sides of his leather jacket to keep him close before reluctantly pulling herself away.

"Glad to see you've both made it." Jesus let a hand rest on Daryl's shoulder before releasing quickly as the man gave a grunt in response. They were quickly reunited with Sasha and Maggie, though Jolene stayed back and let Daryl hug the women as his relationship with them was more tight knit than her own. She offered Maggie a sad smile when the taller woman held out her arms, embracing her in a gentle fashion.

There were quite a few questions that ran through her mind but she knew it was improper to ask them. Atleast in this moment it was. Sasha was given a nod, and the dark haired woman offered one in return before Jesus offered to let both Jolene and Daryl use the facilities to shower the grime from their bodies.

"You go ahead." She told Daryl, bending down to pick up her backpack and sling the one strap over her shoulder, "I've showered more recently than you have, it's only right." The pangs of guilt began working their way through her system again. It started, at first, like a small beating in the pit of her stomach. Slow and steady before it made its way up to her chest. The rhythm sped up and began to cause a sharp pain, like a million wasp stingers stuck into her heart at the same time.

Daryl watched her warily. He didn't make the first move but as he spotted Maggie stepping up to him to show him where to go, he relented with an acknowledging grunt in Jolene's direction.

Jesus allowed Jolene to lean up against his side once they were alone. Her arm wrapped around him and she allowed the guilt to slowly seep from her pores, escaping her far too slowly for her liking but the feeling was disappearing nonetheless.

"We need to talk."