Title: Insecurities

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Word count: 2138

Published: 4 July, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

Notes: I got this request from a reader of mine on Tumblr and honestly I was excited to write this little piece. For some reason when I write I tend to forget about people's insecurities, even though that's a very big part of our life, so I'm certainly glad I got this request. Thank you Anon :)

Request:

Insecurities...

Insecurity is part of our every day life, still we try to hide it, not to show weakness. Insecurity is uncertainty, lack of confidence, making us feel anxious about what we do, what we say, how we deal with things. Everyone has insecurities, but some of the people might struggle with them more deeply than others. Of course, it doesn't mean one is weaker than the other. Insecurities should never be measured, as everyone feels differently.

You were one of those people who's insecurity affected your life greatly. You tried to hide it, not wanting people to know that you were less than confident. You were a hunter, a strong person, who dealt with monsters on a daily basis. You had to stay strong both mentally and physically.

Over the years you have developed an expressionless facade. You didn't want people to see your real-self, you barely ever smiled, you barely ever showed pain, you barely ever changed your facial expression.

Many people you encountered throughout your life, thought you were just smug and overly confident, but it wasn't true. You simply didn't want to show your true self to people. It made you feel weak, vulnerable and you couldn't let that happen, not in the life you lived.

There was only one person who you thought you could ever trust enough to let your guard down, but you were not sure of yourself just yet. He was capable of making you smile, even if seconds later you realised what you have done and rearranged your facial expressions. Smiling, laughing, those happy emotions have been taken away from you a long time ago. Other than feeling giddy from the inside, you never projected it to your surroundings.

Sam was working hard to get you to open up to him, but he never dared to push you. He loved you just the way you were, but god, was it hard for you to accept that. After all, past experiences affect someone's future and you still believed that you had to hide yourself from people, including Sam.

You were laying on the couch in the bunker, your head against the armrest as you were watching some random series on the telly. You heard quite footsteps coming closer, but you didn't take your eyes off the screen, simply waited for the arrival to reveal himself.

You didn't have to wait long as two big hands cupped your face from above you, turning your head to look up into his green orbs, ups-side down. Sam offered you a gentle smile, but you fought hard against yours to appear. 

He saw the hesitation in your eyes and it hurt him, that he could barely ever make you feel happy, that he didn't do enough for you to smile, to laugh carelessly. He wished to make you happy, but he didn't know what to do anymore. He thought he was failing to show you how much he loved you.

He leaned down to you, attaching his lips to yours, hinting a soft, loving kiss on top of them. You felt content, you felt happy, you just wanted to smile. Without realising, you did feel your lips curve upwards with a content sigh leaving your lips. Sam returned the gesture, his heart beating fast against his chest seeing your carefree smile. However you quickly realised what you were doing and shot up from your lying position, quickly rearranging your facial expression.

You heard Sam's deep, heavy sigh from the side as he started walking around the couch and sat down beside you. He looked at the tv, collecting his thoughts, before he finally spoke up, his eyes fixated on his nervously playing hands.

"Do I make you happy?" He asked in the softest, most apologetic tone you have ever heard and it was breaking your heart to think that he wasn't aware of how much he has meant to you.

"Of course, Sam. I couldn't be happier." You placed your palm on his arm reassuringly, but he didn't look up.

"Are you sure?" He asked desperately trying to find a solution to your happiness.

"I couldn't be more sure. Where is this coming from?" You asked, even though you were hoping to hear any, but one answer.

"I don't think I make you happy." He started and this time his green eyes turned to meet yours. "I feel like you can't open up to me. I wish to see you smile, to see you laugh whole-heartedly, but I feel like you just don't want to let me in."

"Sam, it has nothing to do with you. I love you more than I dare to admit. It's just sometimes hard to... express how I feel. I just..." You attempted to explain to him, but you didn't know what to say. The words just didn't come out. You were sitting, looking at each other for minutes before he spoke up.

"Just talk to me, please." His eyes were almost begging you as he took your hand into his, cupping it and squeezing it gently.

"It's hard to talk about it." You heaved a deep sigh, trying to collect your thoughts.

"I love you, Y/N. You can tell me anything." He caressed your face softly with the back of his hand. 

"I know and it makes it even harder." You frowned, not knowing how to start. He didn't say anything, he was waiting patiently for you and you were glad he understood you so well. "A couple of years back, I was in a relationship. I loved him dearly, I would have done anything to make him happy. Back then I was cheerful, happy, there wasn't a day I didn't laugh around with a silly expression. You couldn't remove the smile off my face, it was stuck to it." Your lips curved up at the thought, but this time you didn't hide it. Your nostrils flared as you heaved a deep sigh.

"I wish I could see you so carelessly happy." He spoke in a soft tone, making your lips curve even higher.

"It's hard, Sammy. My boyfriend back then was my everything and I was in a pink cloud, walking six feet above the ground. Everything he said, I believed it. I was naive and dumb, but I just loved him too much." You explained, as you felt your chest tighten. "I thought it was a positive thing that I was always happy, that I was walking around with a huge smile across my face. I always liked people who seemed happy. There's just something inviting, something attractive about them." You got yourself into a more comfortable position, pulling your blanket over yourself as if that was protecting you, before you decided to continue. "But my boyfriend thought otherwise. We fought a lot. He got easily agitated and he hated how happy I always felt. He thought I was annoying for smiling all the time. It irritated him when I laughed at something. He was quite bitter most of the times, but I was just happy. That was just me." You leaned forward, hunching you back, hiding your face in your palm, trying to keep your tears back.

"It's okay." He caressed your back in a gentle manner, reassuring you that he was there for you.

"The fights were horrible. At first they started with simple warnings, which honestly made sense to me. 'Stop laughing all the time, noone will take you seriously.' or 'Can you just be more serious instead of giggling around all the time?' Things like this became regular comments in our daily lives and I believed him. I wanted people to take me seriously. But then it turned hurtful. He told me he hated my smile, the way I laughed, my voice when I giggled. Anything that was part of my happy moments, he tried to destroy them. And I let him. After a while, I just kept hiding when I was happy, I kept smiling less, I never even laughed again. Then it just escalated and I started hiding when I was sad or if I was in pain. It was just easier. I got used to concealing my feelings and it just stuck with me even after we broke up." You looked up at Sam, waiting for a reaction from him.

"There isn't a thing I want more, than to see you laugh whole-heartedly, holding onto your stomach, tearing up from happiness." He smiled at you, which you returned in a small curve.

"I wish I could Sam, but it's not easy to change. It will take time." You knew yourself enough to know that it would take a great amount of power from you to try to get back to your old self and you knew that you will not be hundred percent ever again. But you loved him with every part of your body and you were willing to try.

"I saw you smile. I saw it when you were sitting in the library reading a book. I might have peeked." He chuckled at the thought. "I saw you laugh, when Rumsfeld started licking your face, back when we visited Bobby. I heard you giggle when you were singing in the shower. I would give anything to see you carefree, happy with a big smile across your face." He cupped your face and caressed your cheeks with his thumbs gently, while giving you the biggest smile he could manage. "I love everything about you and I wish nothing but to see a smile on your face each and every day." He leaned closer, meeting your mouth halfway. His kiss was slow, but loving, giving all his attention to your lips. He smiled into the kiss as you let out a moan, which made you quietly chuckle. 

"I want to hear more of that sound." He kissed you again, before he placed his forehead against yours, looking into your eyes with his deep green ones.

"I promise, I will try my best." You nodded. "It will take time, but I miss the old me too." You replied, knowing that you were to do anything in your power to get back even if just a fraction of your old self.

"You could start maybe waking me up with a smile on the morning. I wouldn't be against it." A goofy smirk appeared on his face and you playfully hit him on the chest.

"Don't get carried away." You warned him, but you didn't even realise your facial expression.

"I don't think I do. I'm loving the smile you are wearing now. It suits you perfectly." You finally realised what you were doing and wanted to quickly hide it, but he shook his head as if he understood. "Please don't." He spoke quickly as if he knew what you wanted to do. You heaved a deep sigh and let the happy smile stay on your face as you nodded at him. You were content, you were happy, you didn't want to hide it. It would take time to get yourself back, but you knew Sam was there for you and his support meant more than you could describe in words, so you just said the only words you could speak.

"I love you, Sam." You smiled and pulled him in for a quick peck on the lips.

"And I love you, Y/N. Smiling, laughing, giggling, chuckling... I just want you to be happy by my side." You wrapped your arms around him and hid your face in his neck, feeling comfort in his presence, knowing he wanted you just the way you were.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.