Title: In God's hands

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Word count: 4058

Published: 2 July, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

Notes: It might not be clear if you have not watched season 15 yet, but you will understand if you keep reading. 

It's been a week since God has trapped you and Sam within a Casino. Since then Sam has been different. God's words have made your relationship shaky and even though you were just developing feelings for each other, he has put it to a halt with his words. Sam has been keeping a distance from you, he wasn't sure if his feelings were really his or as God said, he made it happen. 

You were sitting in your room, back hunching forward, face covered with your palms. You didn't know what to do. You wanted Sam and you hoped that he still wanted you too. You knew that your feelings were real. God has had the power of creation, he has had the ability to bring people together or to separate them, but he has not been able to alter the way people have been feeling. Those were your feelings, only yours and you wished Sam would understand. But he didn't. 

You have been attempting to talk to him on numerous occasions, but each and every time you tried, he refused to even look at you and simply walked away. It hurt you to know that he was suffering, but it hurt you even more that he wasn't sure of his feelings towards you.

You heard a loud knock coming from your door. You stood up reluctantly, but opened the door for your unexpected visitor. As you looked into the older Winchester's deep green eyes, wearing a rather huge grin on his face, which honestly was a bit creepy, you had to let a small smile appear on your face. 

"What's up Dean?" You asked.

"I'm going out. I can't handle you two anymore." He kept smiling and now you understood that his smile was anything, but real. 

"We don't even do anything." You frowned at his words.

"Exactly. I am being suffocated by you two desperately trying to hide in the farthest corners of the bunker. I can't deal with this. So I am going to go out now and I want to you to sort this out by the time I am back." He kept his fake smile plastered on his face and you felt a chill ran through your body. He was definitely unhappy. 

"Believe me, I have tried to sort this out Dean. He wouldn't talk to me, whatever how many times I have tried." You tried to convince him.

"Yeah, I know. This is the last chance I am giving you. If it's not sorted by the time I am back, I will be closing both of you into a room and will not let you out until you talked this through." He shrugged and walked away. You heaved a deep sigh and sat back on your bed, not even bothering to close your door. You knew he meant what he said. He was Dean after all. He didn't think twice about actions and consequences. He just did them like Dean would. 

As you were sitting on your bed, you saw a figure pass by your door and you knew it was Sam without a second thought. You stood up and started following him, up until he stopped in the kitchen.

"Sam!" You called him, but he didn't react. He took the butter and a couple of slices of ham out of the fridge, along with some vegetables. He started slicing a loaf of bread that was previously in a basket on top of the counter. "Sam!" You tried again, but he just kept cutting the bread. By the seventh slice, you knew something was wrong. You walked up to him and placed your hand on his, stopping his action. "Sam, can we please talk?" Your voice was soft and almost begging. 

"About what?" He asked, scepticism in his voice. 

"About us. Sam, you know I like you. Whatever God said, it was all just to play with your head." You attempted to convince him for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"There is nothing between us." He said firmly, forcing yourself to hide the pained expression across your face. "Chuck said it himself. He made 'us' happen. We didn't have a say in it. My feelings are not real for you." You felt your chest painfully tighten at his words and you could feel the tears slowly collecting in your eyes.

"Please, Sam... don't say that." You begged him, hoping that he didn't mean it. 

"Why? Y/N don't you understand? He created the whole story. He wanted us to think it was real, but it wasn't. He made this connection between us for his own entertainment." He raised his voice as he looked down at you to finally meet your eyes. 

"No, Sam. He was just playing you. Don't you understand? He can't control what we feel. Otherwise he would have rewrote our whole life, already." You tried to convince him, but you found to be talking to dead ears. "He might be able to control what we do on occasions, but he can't do anything about what we feel. I know I like you Sam and it has nothing to do with God." Your tone softened to try to get through to him, but he just let out a scoff, making you feel even smaller and more vulnerable. 

"You can't really be thinking that?!" He shook his head. "You are just being naive. He is God. He can basically do whatever he feels like doing." He heaved a deep sigh. "Please, just forget that ever has been anything between us." You could feel the lump growing in your throat at Sam's words.

"I don't want to forget it. Please Sam, don't do this." You put your hand on his cheek, trying to turn his eyes to you, but he harshly removed your palm from his face. 

"No. I just don't even want to think about it. We have more serious things to think about." As much as you wanted to argue with him, you knew he was right. You were about to go against God, nothing could have been more important, but you just couldn't shake the lump in your throat, the heavy feeling in your chest and the pricking feeling in your eyes. You slowly nodded as you heaved a deep sigh and walked back to your room, knowing Sam was done talking to you. 

Couple of hours later, Dean returned to the bunker with two, fully packed paper bags on his arms. You were sitting in the Hall with your laptop in front of you, looking up at him as he walked down the stairs from the balcony. He didn't ask or say anything, he simply nodded as a form of greeting and left for the kitchen. You didn't follow him, knowing he would ask about Sam and you. Talking about it was hard and you didn't plan on doing so, unless he insisted on it. Which you knew he would. 

Minutes later, as soon as the rushed noises stopped in the kitchen, Dean walked out and took a seat in front of you, on the other side of the table. 

"So?" He asked with a raised brow, waiting for a reply.

"So what?" You asked back, acting as if you didn't know what he wanted. A bored expression spread across his face, knowing well that you simply didn't want to talk.

"Right, so you didn't sort it out." He crossed his arms in front of his chest as he threw his legs up on the table. 

"I tried. He said he would like to forget about us." You shrugged, acting as if it didn't hurt you as much as it actually did. "Maybe it's better like this." You tried to convince yourself, but Dean's scoff interrupted you.

"Yeah, right. You didn't think that through, did you?" He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "How are you going to act as if nothing happened? That's ridiculous." He continued. 

"I won't." You replied, causing a deep frown to appear on his forehead. "I will be leaving soon." 

"What?!" He asked as he threw his legs off the table and leaned closer to you. "Are you insane?" He asked as if he already had a confirmation of your insanity. 

"You said it yourself too. We can't, or at least I can not act like nothing happened. I rather leave, than to act as if I didn't have feelings, Dean." You explain to him, but he was shaking his head in disagreement. 

"Come on, Y/N! Don't do this. He just needs time to get his stupid head around this." He tried to convince you. 

"Maybe you are right and believe me, I wish you were. But right now he doesn't even want to be near me and frankly, I don't either. It will be better like this." You stood up and put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "I will always be available on the phone, Dean." You smiled softly, but he was still frowning, unhappy with your decision. 

"When are you leaving?" He asked.

"Not sure yet." You replied and walked away from him, heading towards your room to pack up. 

It was not an easy decision, you liked Sam more than you dared to admit and Dean was like your own big brother. You didn't want to leave them, but you couldn't be around Sam acting as if nothing happened. Just seeing him walk by, made you feel pain and you didn't dare to be distracted, especially now. 

As you packed up the last of your bags and looked around your room for any other items that you have owned, you heaved a deep sigh at the thought of leaving a part of your life behind. You have been with the Winchesters for such a long time even if on many occasions you disappeared to work solo, they have been almost like family to you. 

You threw your bags over your shoulder, holding some of your bags in your hands, you looked around the bunker, a sad, nostalgic feeling running through you. You painfully smiled, but headed up the stairs as the boys were already asleep. 

You went up to the garage where next to Dean's Impala, your own little bad boy waited for you in the form of a black 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS. If Dean and you had something in common, more than anything, it was your love for older cars. You loved your handsome muscle car and you wouldn't have given it to anyone even if your life depended on it. 

You threw your bags into the trunk of the car and took your seat behind the wheel. You sat there thinking if this really was what you wanted, but you didn't have to think long, remembering Sam's face as he told you that there was nothing between you two. 

You started off the car, engine roaring beautifully for your ears, before you were already on your way to catch up on any case that came to your way. 

2 months later...

It's been months, since you have seen the Winchesters. Dean was calling you a couple of times, asking you to come back, but you refused. He attempted to convince you, telling you that Sam was feeling horrible, that he was missing you, but you didn't believe him. Sam knew your number and if he wanted anything, he could have called you. But he never did. 

You were sitting in an old, run down bar, drinking your beer, as you have just finished your case on a vampire nest. Your laptop was open on the table while you were looking for your next case. Hunting helped you not to think about your feelings. It kept you both physically and mentally busy enough to distract you. It has been successful so far, but every time you finished a case, your mind went back to self-destruction, making you even more upset at times. 

You shook of the negative thoughts and started typing on your computer, looking for open cases with unexplained scenarios. You barely had opened the link, when a man walked up to your table and interrupted you. 

"Y/N?" He called you and as you looked up, your eyes met the eldest Winchester. 

"Dean!" You exclaimed as you stood up with a huge grin across your face and gave him a hug.

"Someone missed me." He chuckled and you nodded as you let him go. You looked around, but you couldn't find the person you were looking for. "Sam is coming soon." He smirked with a knowing look, which made you roll your eyes. You took a seat and he sat down beside you. You heard the door open and you immediately looked up to meet the younger Winchester's emerald green eyes this time. "Sammy!" Dean called him over.

You heaved a deep sigh at his presence, trying to keep your feelings at bay. You have been working hard to get over him, to no avail. It was hard to think about him, even if you didn't want to, but it was even harder to see him once again. He walked over to your booth and sat down across you and Dean.

"Y/N." He nodded as a greeting, which you returned. There was an awkward silence for a couple of seconds, but you quickly composed yourself.

"So, what are you doing here?" You asked trying to change the subject. 

"We came to check out a possible vampire nest." Dean replied as he checked out the young, blonde waitress' butt. You gave him a slap on the back of his head to get his attention. "Hey, that was unnecessary." He complained, but you just rolled your eyes. 

"At least try to be more subtle." You wanted to convince him, which earned an unsatisfied groan from him. 

"What are you doing here?" Sam joined the conversation and you were glad he did. You didn't want the tension that has been almost visible to increase. 

"I have taken care of a vampire nest." You shrugged, making Dean's head snap towards you. 

"Really? That's why we have travelled for 11 hours?" He asked with a bored expression.

"I mean, you didn't ask, I didn't say. I was close by anyway." You shrugged, making him groan, annoyed. "At least, you have time to pick up the waitress tonight." You chuckled, seeing his lips curve up into a playful grin. "It looks like she is finishing soon." You told him, as you watched the girl taking off her black waist apron and putting on her jeans jacket. 

"Have I ever told you that you are the best wing-women I have ever had?" He smirked, but you just shook your head with a smile. 

"I didn't do anything." You spoke as he gave a kiss on the top of your head and nodded to Sam, before taking off to go after the girl who was about to leave the place. 

You watched their interaction and you knew Dean was going to be successful from the way he placed his hand on the girl's back, or the way she smiled cheerfully when he talked, or how she placed her hand on his biceps. Before your brain had time to realise what happened, they were already out of the door and Dean was driving away with the Impala.

You didn't even realise that Sam was still sitting across from you, only when you finally removed your eyes from the Impala to turn your attention back to the pub. He was looking at you, his eyes studying your face, wanting to know what you were thinking, which was not much. You were simply scared to be left alone with him. 

"So... I'm guessing Dean is going to occupy your room." You tried to start a conversation, which simply earned a nod from him. "Do you have anywhere to go?" You tried again.

"I will just rent another room." He said, still looking straight into your eyes, which made it even harder for you to get a coherent sentence out of your mouth. 

"Maybe you could sleep in my room. I do have a couch there and you wouldn't have to spend more than necessary." You attempted to explain yourself before he could have thought you had some kind of a dirty intention behind your invitation. You could see that he was thinking hard about your offer.

"I guess that would be good. Thank you." He said almost shyly. You nodded, accepting his answer and started packing your items into your bag, before standing up and walking out of the bar with him following you.

You walked out to your car and put your bag into your backseat as you closed the door behind yourself. Sam was standing next to the car, as if he was waiting for something. You leaned over to the passenger seat and opened the door to look up at him. 

"Are we waiting for something?" You asked, confused about his behaviour. 

"Erm... no." He replied as he took the seat beside you, before you started the engine. 

The drive wasn't long, maybe 10 minutes as it was a quite small town. You drove your car into the parking lot of the dirty, old motel and got your bag from the backseat. Both you and Sam got out of the car and you started walking towards your room with him behind you, almost stepping on your shoes. You opened the door and let yourself in, ushering Sam to follow you. 

He looked around as if he had never seen a motel room before, as you have put your bag onto the table at the end of the room. You picked up your black, baggy t-shirt, which came down to your mid thigh, along with an underwear and black shorts. 

"Get yourself comfortable. I will go and take shower and you can go after too." You told him as you walked into the bathroom. You didn't take long, 5-10 minutes maximum and you were all done and dusted. As you walked out he was sitting on the sofa, his body tense as he locked his eyes on you. You walked to your bedside to open your bag to take out a blue t-shirt and black knee length shorts that you have stolen from him before. You walked up to him and put it into his hands which caused a surprised expression to appear on his face.

"You still have these?" He asked as he carefully inspected the cloths. 

"Yeah..." You replied as you walked to the table and took your laptop out of your bag. You sat down on your bed and started searching again for your next case. You heard the bathroom door close and you finally exhaled a breath you didn't even realise you have been keeping inside. 

Sam didn't take long either, soon the door to the bathroom opened again and as he switched off the light, only your laptop's screen dominated the room. You heard as he laid down on the sofa, taking the carefully folded blanket from its armrest, pulling it over him. 

You tried to ignore his presence, but it was hard. It's been so long since it was only the two of you and your feelings has been screaming for his closeness. You shook your head and closed down your laptop, not wanting to stay awake any longer. It was torture feeling him so close, still having him so far. You laid down on your bed, pulling the cover over your body, heaving a deep sigh as you turned to your side. Your sigh wasn't the only one to be heard. Sam's lungs let out a quite loud breath as well. 

"Can we talk?" You heard and as if a lightning hit you, you sat up on your bed, looking at Sam across the room. His face was lit by the moon, making it easier for you to see him. 

"Yeah..." You replied, unsure what he wanted. You tapped the bed beside you and he walked over, taking the offered place.

"I'm sorry." He said with the guiltiest eyes you have ever seen from him. "I shouldn't have behaved the way I did. I was confused and I really thought what I felt wasn't real." He didn't waste time, he jumped straight to the subject, making your heart clench at the words of rejection your were expecting from him once again. 

"It's fine, Sam. We talked about this already. I understand." You told him with a painful smile as you played with your hands not wanting to look up at him.

"No, you don't. I was stupid. I thought my feelings weren't real. I thought they would eventually be just gone. But they aren't." Your eyes snapped to his, locking you in with his. You felt hope once again, but you were scared to admit it. You didn't know what he wanted to say after all. "I thought about it. I thought this through and you were right. My feelings are mine. Chuck can't control them. He could never control how I felt about my family or my friends. This is no exception either. I still like you as much as I liked you before, if not even more." He confessed and you couldn't even master a word to leave your mouth. "Do you still feel something?" He asked, uncertainty clear in his voice. 

You didn't answer. Instead you put your arm around his neck and pulled his lips against yours, wanting to feell him against you. You weren't aggressive or demanding, but passionate enough to put all your feelings into that one kiss. You were desperate for his touch and you wanted him to know that. You have been waiting for this moment and finally feeling his soft lips against yours as they moved in sync, felt like a dream you never wanted to wake up from. 

Lack of oxygen soon forced you to part, but you didn't let each other go farther than an inch or so. You felt his breath fan against your lips, making you even more excited, but you wanted to say it. 

"I still like you Sam. I tried to forget you, I tried to forget about my feelings, but I couldn't." You whispered against his lips.

"I'm glad and I'm sorry that I've ever doubted us." He apologised once again, but you just chuckled and pulled him in for another kiss, this time pulling him down with you, making him hover over your body. He didn't even leave your lips for a second as his hands started wondering on your body.

Your night was rather busy in pleasure. You were happy to be in Sam's arms, but the idillic moment of you two cuddling has been interrupted by an enraged Dean screaming at you in the phone, looking for his brother. However his anger quickly turned as Sam took the phone from you to talk to his brother and briefly explained the situation. You tried to ignore the obscene words leaving Dean's mouth, by hiding yourself in Sam's arms, feeling happy and relaxed finally. 

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.