Title: Commitment issues

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word count: 3698

Published: 9 July, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

It was 8am on the morning, you were taking care of your morning routine in the bathroom. It was rather early and you very well knew that Sam was out to get something to eat as the fridge has been emptied out by his brother last night. Dean was still asleep in his room, so you didn't take any of your cloths with you. You wrapped yourself in your towel, knowing noone would interrupt you. Or so you thought.

As you walked out of the shared bathroom, closing the door behind you, you ran into something hard. You felt arms around your waist steading you. You looked up to meet two emerald green irises, realising Dean was holding onto you with a mischievous look on his face.

"Well, what a pleasant surprise. Is it my birthday?" He chuckled, but you just huffed in an annoyed tone.

"Shut up, Dean." You rolled your eyes, removing his hands from your waist, walking around him. You barely took a few steps before his arms wrapped around your torso once again, dipping his head into the crook of your neck.

"Come on, love. Stop this already." He heaved a deep sigh, making your skin shiver.

"We have talked about this, Dean." You spoke, massaging your temple as you felt a slight headache thumping in the front of your skull.

"Yes, we have. And you are being completely unreasonable." He huffed, but didn't move away. He kept himself hidden in your neck, which made it very hard for you to think clearly.

"I am not being unreasonable. I told you, I need you to be my friend." You repeated yourself once again, just like the previous hundred times.

"I can be your friend and your lover. You know I love you and I know you love me. Stop this already and just let it happen." He tried to convince you, but it never worked for him. It just always ended up being a huge argument, causing you to not speak to each other for days.

You turned around in his arms, placing your hands on his hard chest, enjoying the feeling of his warmth against your palm. It was hard to stay away from him, of course you loved him, you didn't break up, because you didn't love each other, you broke up with him, because you never wanted to lose him.

You looked up into his eyes and placed a palm on his cheek, which he comfortably leaned into.

"I told you so many times, Dean. Why do I have to keep repeating myself? I would rather have you as a friend, close to me, by my side, than to lose you." You tried to make him understand in the softest tone you could manage.

"You will not lose me." He placed his forehead against yours, closing his eyes, taking your scent in.

"But I will. You still don't understand. We broke up peacefully and this way we could stay friends. But if we start dating again, how do you know that there will not be problems, that we will not part in a nasty way. I can't handle losing you. I'd rather have you close as a friend, knowing that you will be by my side, than to lose both a friend and a lover at the same time." You were almost begging him to understand, but he was a hard nut to crack.

"So you expect me to act as if we were just friends? I can't just put my feelings aside and frankly, I don't understand, how can you." He raised his voice and leaned away from you, taking back a step, removing his hands from your waist.

"I'm sorry, but I can. You are too important to me to just give it up for a fling." You shook your head in disagreement.

"A fling? We love each other and you call that a fling?" He asked with furrowed brows.

"You know that's not what I meant. I am trying to tell you that if we stay friends, I can be next to you for years or even decades. But if we start it all over again, how do you know we will not break up in a year?" You wanted to make him see your side, but he just shook his head.

"We have been best friends for years, before we even got together. I know everything about you. I know that you like to tug the duvet between your legs, so your knees don't touch. I know that you always buy two burgers for yourself and hide one in the pocket of your jacket so noone knows that you have quite a big appetite." He smirked at the thought and it made you return his expression. He stepped closer, cupping your face as he continued. "I know that you scrunch up your nose when you are thinking very hard about something. I know that you have a hard exterior and always try to act though, but you hide the spiders you find in the bunker, in a little jar and free them later, because you can't get yourself to kill them. I know you and I know I love every little quirky part of your personality. Isn't that enough?" His tone was gentle, loving and you just wanted to hug him and pull him as close as you could to tell him that you were there for him and you believed him. But you couldn't.

"Honestly, I love that you know so much about me, but it's not enough. It doesn't prove that we are not going to have a huge fight that later which will break us up. What if I did something dumb? Like get jealous and go all possessive on your ass? You would be angry at me and I wouldn't be able to let it go and we would fight and it would get nasty." You attempted to convince him once again, but he just smiled.

"I would just think that you are adorable and I would prove you that I am all yours." He winked at you playfully, but you just heaved a deep sigh.

"You don't understand. What if we have a huge fight and we break up? I would lose you." You groaned in annoyance.

"No, you wouldn't. We would sit down and talk it through." He tried to reassure you.

"No, I don't want to risk it. I want you to be my friend, nothing more, nothing less." You spoke firmly and you could see his body become tense as he stood back.

"If you continue like this you will lose me as a friend as well." He said as he walked around you, heading towards his room.

"Come on, Dean!" You shouted after him, but he didn't listen. He loudly shut the door of his room, ignoring your desperate calls. You heaved a deep sigh and massaged the back of your neck to release the tension built up in your body out of frustration.

You walked back to your room to dress up in your usual black clothings, then headed to the kitchen, sitting down at the table, waiting for Sam and Dean to get ready. Sam has previously told Bobby that you would go over to him to see if he was okay. At first he was quite reluctant, trying to get rid of you all, but soon he changed his mind. You were glad. He was like a father figure to you since the moment your parents got murdered and he took you in. You looked up to him even when he was getting on your nerves with his wise-ass behaviour.

However your happiness quickly disappeared when you heard that Bobby invited both Jo and Ellen. You didn't have problem with the latter, but knowing and witnessing Jo's and Dean's relationship develop was hard enough to watch before, you definitely didn't want to see them cozying up to each other once again.

You heaved a deep sigh, hiding your face behind your palms, wanting to forget about everything and anything that recently happened between you and Dean. It was exhausting and complicated and you knew it was all your fault, but you just needed his friendship. Loving him was hard, but you dared to sacrifice that, so you could stay by each other's side.

"Ready?" Sam asked, standing in the doorway as Dean was already walking up to the entrance door. You nodded and followed the boys, closing the door harshly behind yourself. You took your seat behind Dean in the Impala, feeling a clear tension between the two of you. You knew he was pissed and that forced silence and ignorance he was giving you, confirmed your thoughts.

The ride was silent, even Sam didn't dare to interrupt, other than for a toilet and snack break. After about 6 hours of travelling, Dean finally pulled into Bobby's yard, parking the Impala in front of the porch. You all got out of the car, but by the time you closed the door behind you, you saw Jo embracing Dean in a big hug. You snorted in annoyance, causing Sam to chuckle.

"Shut up..." You told him, trying to act as if nothing happened, but Sam knew better. You walked up the old, creaking wooden stairs to the porch where you nodded towards Jo and Ellen, before walking around them to greet Bobby with a big hug. You didn't have a personal issue with Jo, you knew she was a tough girl who was also very smart and kind, but that just fuelled your jealousy even more.

"Good to see you, Little one." Bobby greeted you as you hugged his big bear-like frame.

"Good to see you too. You look awful, I hope you know that." You chuckled as you looked at the ever growing beard covering his jaw. "You need to shave, before this gets out of hand." You pulled on his beard, but he just pushed your hand away.

"I'm a man. Men are hairy." He stated with a grin across his face, which you simply nodded at.

You walked into the house watching as Bobby ushered both Dean and Sam after you. You sat down in the living room in an armchair by the side of the sofa, while Sam, Bobby and Ellen took a seat on the couch. Dean took his place on another armchair across form you with Jo sitting on the armrest.

"Would you like to drink a beer?" Ellen asked, but before any of you could have answered, she was already on her way to the kitchen.

Everyone was talking about little nothings, which honestly frustrated you. You were fighting monsters, you were not supposed to just sit around and do nothing. But of course, that wasn't the main source of your frustration. Seeing Dean and Jo being way too cozy with each other, giggling at one another and having fun, made you tense. Every time Jo held onto Dean' bicep, you wanted to walk over to tell her that he was your man. But he wasn't and you knew how dumb you were to be jealous.

After an hour of watching the lovely couple feeling more and more comfortable with each other, stealing little touches from one another, you got bored of watching it. You rolled your eyes and decided to go and release some tension. You stood up abruptly and placed your bottle of beer on the counter, before heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Sam called after you, but you just pulled your gun out of your belt and showed it to him from behind, not even wanting to turn around, fearing to catch a glimpse of the cozy little couple.

You walked to the back of Bobby's building, where a big green land was waiting for you, behind his junk yard. Bobby was keeping some vegetables and fruits in a basket that he used to practice shooting. You placed the rotten fruits on each wooden log, standing on the field, using them as targets. You stepped back, concentrated and started shooting. Using your gun always made you feel a bit lighter, a bit less stressed, a bit less confused. It didn't solve your problems, but it certainly helped your frustration to be kept in control. You have done 3-4 rounds, firing your bullets into each and every objects, not even missing one.

"Well done." You heard as you quickly turned around, your gun still raised in your hands. You heaved a deep sigh and lowered your weapon, loosening your grip on it.

"Sorry, didn't hear you coming." You said as you took another batch of apples and put them on the wooden logs.

"How long are you planning to dance around each other?" Bobby asked, making you turn abruptly, almost getting a whiplash.

"Really, Bobby? You want to talk about relationship issues?" You asked with a sceptical tone.

"Believe me, the last thing I want to know is what you and Dean are doing behind closed doors, but what you do to him and to yourself is affecting others too." You scoffed at his reply and started shooting again, ignoring his presence. "You know this is my house, right?" He asked, making you frown. "I have plenty of time. I am not going anywhere." He smirked, but you simply rolled your eyes, before you finished your round and gave your attention to him.

"I don't want to talk about this. This is between him and me." You shrugged, not wanting to say more, but Bobby thought otherwise.

"You know, Little one, I love you, but you are seriously acting dumb. Like a whole lot of dumb." He grimaced.

"Don't you start as well." You warned him with an expressionless face.

"I am not starting anything. I don't think I raised you to be scared." He scoffed.

"I am not scared." You raised your voice.

"Yes, you are. You are scared of commitment. But you forget that in our line of work, there might not even be a tomorrow." He attempted to convince you and for once you couldn't reply. "If I understand this whole situation well, you are trying to stay friends, so you don't have to part ways. But pushing your feelings aside, instead of enjoying the moment, when you could be murdered tomorrow, is plain dumb." You scoffed at his last sentence.

"Oh please. We have lived through years and we are still here." You turned away to put another batch of fruits on the wooden logs, but he got hold of your wrist and stopped you.

"No, you don't get it. Do you think I have ever thought that it would be my hands that'd kill Karen? Back then I didn't even know what this world was. I barely scratched the surface." He explained, but you cut him off.

"Bobby..." You tried to stop him, but to no avail.

"Don't Bobby me." He cut you off. "In one second I had a beautiful wife, who I loved dearly, the next I killed her with my own hands. You never know what will come to you the next day and you can't comprehend how guilty I feel not just for ending her life, but not giving her enough love, for not being by her side in her last days." He spoke in a harsh tone

"That's a different...."You attempted to cut in, but he didn't let you.

"It's not different. You don't want to lose him, but you don't want to be with him. You love each other, so you can't be friends again. If you decide not to be with him, then cut him off. You can't keep pretending that you can live next to each other, when you clearly can't. However if you want to stay by his side, then go to him, tell him you love him and be with him for God's sake, because you can lose him any time. Not by a break up. There are far worse ways to lose someone in this world." His words cut deep and you knew he was right, but you were way too stubborn to just agree with him. You didn't reply, nor did you look at him. You just stood there, replaying his words in your head. "I will leave you to yourself. It's a decision you have to make, but you have to deal with the consequences as well." He said as he went back into the house.

Bobby's words rang through your mind. You wanted to be with Dean, you loved him. You wanted to cuddle up to him while watching his favourite series on his laptop. You wanted to open your eyes on the morning, laying under his arms across your waist. You wanted to get his sweet temple and neck kisses like he has given you so many times before. But you didn't want to lose him and you were scared of breaking up.

"What you up to?" You heard his deep, husky voice. He was the last person you needed right now.

"Relaxing." You replied expressionless.

"You can relax in the house too." He said with a cheeky grin.

"Thanks, I'm good. You are the one who is expected inside." You spoke again.

"Expected?" He asked with a raised brow.

"Jo is probably missing your company already." You scoffed.

"Are you jealous?" He asked with a big, cheerful smile, but you just looked at him with a deadly expression across your face. Of course you were, you just didn't want him to know. It was meant to be just a snarky comment.

"You wish." You shook your head.

"Yeah, I do." He chuckled, playfully. "And I wish you would finally change your mind though." He spoke again in a more serious tone.

"Look Dean, you told me yourself. In our lives, we do not have the luxury to get attached." You argued.

"Yeah, we do not have the luxury to get attached to normal people, but we are not normal. We are hunters. You are by my side each and every time we go to hunt, you know how I feel, how I think, I don't have to keep secrets from you. I would want the apple pie, white fence, comfortable dream life with you, but we can't do that. At least I want to try being with you in this screwed up life, we have." He tried to convince you and you knew you were breaking. Both Bobby and Dean had very good points.

"So what if I lose you? What if we break up?" You asked.

"Again this? We have known each other for years. I think, I have proved you enough that I want to stay with you for as long as I can, you are just unable to get that into that stubborn little head of yours." He heaved a deep sigh, while massaging his temple. "Whatever." He whispered, as he turned away and started walking back to the house.

"Fuck this!" You told more to yourself, before you walked after Dean, got hold of his wrist and turned him back around. He had a rather surprised expression, but you didn't care. You chuckled at his face and grabbed the collar of his flannel shirt, pulling him closer to you, attaching your lips to his.

He didn't hesitate, a couple of seconds after his initial shock, he kissed you back, wanting to feel your lips against his once again. He placed his hands on your waist, pulling you even closer to him, not wanting to leave any space between you. You ran your fingers across his neck, digging into his short hair at the back of his head, tugging on the ends, making him growl. You smiled into the kiss, but it quickly got swept off your face as his tongue licked across your lower lip, making you moan in pleasure, as he was asking for entrance.

The kiss was heated, but loving, making you want to stay in the moment, but air was much needed and Dean broke the kiss. He didn't leave your closeness though, he placed his forehead against yours with closed eyes.

"Why did you do that?" He asked, trying to organise his breathing.

"Because I love you. And because I think I realised that if I lost you, I would always feel guilty for not being with you, for not showing you how much I loved you." You replied in a soft tone as you hinted a sweet, little peck on his lips. You could hear the deep light sigh leaving his lungs. His grin was nowhere, a loving smile appeared on his face this time.

"Well, I'm not that easy to get rid off, so I guess you will have to be stuck with me for quite a long time." His smile grew bigger, along with yours.

"I don't think I mind." You chuckled and hugged him, placing your face into the crook of his neck.

"I love you." He kissed your temple in a sweet manner.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.