A/N: Angst, discussion of major character death

You wandered through the bunker in the dark, well familiar with its layout by now. You didn't sleep much lately, instead spending hours roaming through the rooms in your home. Occasionally you'd cook or read. Sometimes you even played one of Dean's video games. It wasn't that you didn't want to sleep. Hell, you longed for it. But in the allusive moments you managed to catch here and there were the nightmares. Horrible scenes where Gabriel screamed for you to help him as he reached toward you and you were always too late to save him.

Sometimes the two of you were surrounded by blood—covered with it, soaked in it.

A few times there had been an ocean roiling in a storm, the massive waves sucking him down into the endless black while they pushed you further and further away from him.

Once there'd been an unrelenting sun shining on an expanse of empty desert while Gabriel dug fingers into ever shifting sand as he tried to drag himself to water that was always just beyond his reach. Every time you tried to close the distance between you, you sank further into the soft ground.

It was the other dreams that you dreaded the most. The ones that you wished to avoid at all costs. The dreams that left you longing and aching for your angel. Those were the ones that brought into harsh relief just how empty your arms and your bed were. You would weep hopelessly from the reminder of what you'd lost and your already broken heart would shatter just a little bit more.

Images of you and Gabriel curled up together in a large hammock on the beach while it gently rocked in the ocean breeze, laughter dancing in the air around you while you basked in each other's love.

The two of you getting married under a starry sky in a clearing lit by torches. His wings on full display as he smiled that cheeky grin you so loved.

Gabe holding a giggling baby with his hair and your eyes while you looked on full of love for them both. And he'd turn to look at you and give you a true, genuine smile—that sincere one you didn't see nearly enough.

Those were the nights you could never get back to sleep, the wound too raw and abrasive. You knew you should try to get past it, to move on, but you couldn't. Gabe was it for you. Your soulmate. How could you possibly get over losing everything?

The boys woke to the smell of coffee and bacon and shuffled their way to the kitchen.

"Hey," Sam said in a soft voice as you passed him a mug of coffee. He kissed you on the cheek. "Thanks."

Dean wasn't nearly as amiable as his brother until he had his morning caffeine. He grunted a hello and sat at the table, giving you a small nod when you placed his mug in front of him.

He was halfway through his second cup and nearly done with his food before he spoke. "Still not sleeping?"

You glanced to him in surprise. His mouth was twisted as if he was biting back something he desperately wished to say. "I sleep," you said defensively. If it was only an hour at a time you snatched here and there, well that was none of his business.

"No, you don't." He leaned back in his chair and the corners of his mouth pulled down in a sharp frown. "You think I can't hear you when you wake up in the middle of the night? That I don't realize you pad around here at all hours like a damn ghost? This has got to stop."

"Dean." Sam's voice was tight, a warning in it as his gaze darted between the two of you.

"No, Sam. We've let her grieve. And for a lot longer than we should have. I'm tired of her moping around all the damn time."

You physically jerked from the pain caused by his words. "I'm sorry my mourning is an inconvenience for you, Winchester. I'll make sure not to bother you any further." Your voice cracked on the last words. The Winchesters might not be blood, but they were your family. The thought that they may think of you as no more than a burden made your heart ache that much more.

"He didn't mean it like that, Y/N," Sam said in an attempt to placate you.

Your gaze darted to him. "Then how did he mean it, Sam?"

Dean leaned forward with a sigh. "I meant that it's breaking my heart to see you like this, sweetheart. You've barely smiled in months and you haven't laughed at all. You were always the bright spot in all this mess. I hate this, Y/N. Gabriel would hate this."

Tears instantly flooded your eyes. "Don't. Don't say his name. Don't talk about him like you have the slightest inkling what he would want." The tears overflowed to spill down your cheeks.

"Don't be like this. I think we knew him well enough to be able to say that the last thing he would want is for you to be miserable," Sam said.

Your gaze shifted between the two brothers. "You don't understand. I'm shattered and I don't think I can be fixed."

***

Late that night you laid on your bed, hands behind your head as you stared at the ceiling. Your eyes burned with fatigue but you still had no desire to go to sleep. You'd been holed up in your room ever since your discussion with the brothers that morning. They'd both tried to get you to come out at various points throughout the day, but you'd ignored them.

Dean was right. It was time for you to try to put this behind you, but how did you even begin to do that? A fluttering of wings interrupted your thoughts and you groaned. The brothers had sent their errand boy. "I'm not in the mood, Cas. Come back tomorrow."

"Not Cassie. Sorry, sweetheart."

Your entire body froze at the sound of the voice that had haunted your sleeping and waking hours for the past months. When you closed your eyes, hot tears leaked from the corners. "He's not here. It's not real." You'd had this dream before, fallen asleep in mid-thought and conjured him up. That moment before you realized he wasn't real had been your happiest moment since his death. The moment after? Almost worse than losing him the first time.

Fingers brushed along your skin as they traced the lines of your face. You took a shuddering breath knowing if you opened your eyes and he wasn't there, it just might kill you this time.

"Look at me." It wasn't a question or a request. It was a plea, a tone you rarely heard from the confident angel.

You held your breath as you opened your eyes. When your gaze met whiskey eyes and a lopsided grin, that breath came out in a ragged sigh. Tears flowed freely now and you pressed your hand against your mouth in an attempt to keep the sobs at bay. "Gabriel."

The name felt foreign on your tongue. You hadn't allowed yourself to say it since he died. Realization slammed into you. Not dead. Gone. He'd left you and let you think it was forever. You pulled away from him and sat up against the wall. His smile fell at the loss of contact.

"Please don't cry, sugar. My heart can't take it. I'm back. Everything is going to be all right now." He placed one knee on the bed to close the new distance between you but moved back when you shook your head.

You pressed a fist against your chest hoping to ease the ache you felt there. "You left me."

"I didn't have a choice." His eyes searched your face.

"I thought you were dead."

"I was for a bit." He shrugged one shoulder and grimaced in pain.

You were on your knees in an instant and moving across the bed, your hurt and anger melting away at the thought he might be injured. Your hands hovered over him as you weren't certain where to touch. "Are you hurt?"

He gripped your wrist and moved your hand to rest on his chest. His fingers remained wrapped around your arm and his thumb slid along your skin. "I'm okay, Y/N. Just still healing."

Your eyebrows shot up as you frowned. "Still?"

He moved both hands to cup your face and looked into your eyes. "Even miracles take a little time. I would have been here the moment I was resurrected if I could have been. I've been waiting to get healthy enough to come to you. As it was, I had to call in a favor to get here today."

"Did you hurt yourself coming here?" Panic laced your voice. "Why didn't you wait?"

He chuckled. "After Dean spent about fifteen minutes cussing me out via prayer, I decided it was perhaps best if I didn't make you wait any longer. Besides, I missed you. I missed you so much."

You leaned forward and pressed your lips to his. And as your angel wrapped his arms around you to hold you tight, you felt your heart piece itself back together. Maybe you could be fixed after all.