🎶: 'I Don't Wanna Live Forever' by Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik

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Castiel's POV

Day 165 since I have been left alone to live on in this... It never occurred to me how large the Men of Letters Bunker is.

I hate to count the days the people I love passed away but it reminds me that everyday of life should be something cared for and enjoyed.

At least [y/n] had felt that way... I wouldn't know, I'm just an an Angel.

She told me once, "Cas, look at you. You're beautiful, you're kind and caring and all that cliché stuff. I'm... I'm going to miss your face, your eyes, your way of making me feel like I have everything I need in life."

Tears rolled down her cheeks after her kind words. I wiped them with my thumb and kissed her on her soft lips, something that had become normal between us.

I'm not a human capable of feeling and understanding exactly what this pain, this torture, this sickness would feel like. It aches me every single day but as long as I know that I was there for my... family, when they needed me at every moment necessary, I'm happy.

It was a summers day when the doctors told the Winchesters that they were carrying the disease.

People call it the 'Killjoy' which is a pretty light-weighted name to give to a disease that had made the world meet doomsday.

It's saddening to find the streets deserted, the shops empty, the roads bare of any driving cars.

Back to Dean and Sam, they were heartbroken to find out but more than themselves, [y/n] felt the heaviness of grief. She had became quite acquainted with the Winchesters after meeting them by chance on a supernatural hunt to get rid of a torturous demon that had his eyes on [y/n].

I was completely outraged to find out that someone would harm [y/n] the way the demon had done. As Dean would say, 'that demonic son of a bitch'.

Days went by, the moment that Dean and Sam would... drop to the floor approached quickly.  I was not looking forward to it at all but it was inevitable.

I prayed... every single night, tears streaming down my face as I whispered to the Lord above, hoping that the disease would pass by and the world would be saved, and that Dean, Sam and [y/n] would be saved.

They were too precious for this world, too helpful and much needed. Without them this current state the earth is in would have come up on us decades ago years.

And I sit now, at one of the tables in the Bunker while I listen to the silence around me. Even the slightest sound made the loudest of noises, the echo thundering through the entire Bunker.

I continue to think constantly about the previous missions and encounters I had the privilege to be a part of.

Saving Dean from Hell.

Being a member of the battle between Heaven and Hell.

Saving Sam's soul from Hell.

Battling out against Leviathans from Purrgatory.

Chasing around for the Demon and Angel tablets... and dealing with Crowley.

Living with being a temporary human while the Angels were after me for locking them out of Heaven and getting rid of their wings.

Saving Dean from being a demon.

Defeating Amara and ths Darkness.

Tracking down Kelly Kline and Lucifer to make sure his Nephilim child wouldn't turn bad. Jack... he was a wonderful young man, who I am very proud off.

He had disappeared after the Winchesters took ill, claiming to search for a cure. Without my wings or any will to continue, I gave up on finding him.

I had to take care of [y/n], especially after she fell ill with that treacherous disease too.

Thinking about past events, it leaves me sulking. I was led astray, confused and naive by the many people I encountered. I caused all the problems while all I wanted was a peaceful dwelling on Earth with the ones I admired.

[y/n] told me that the world is a temporary place of stay, and that Heaven... Heaven's there forever. She was such a positive soul, without her I can't... I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I walk around the Bunker, every corner triggers a memory with my family. Looking at the chair across me, I remember a casual time when [y/n] brought in a bowl of popcorn with Dean following behind, a large bottle of high-sugar cola in his arms, holding it like a child. I warned him about the cavaties he could suffer from, unaware of the greater calamity he'd be punished with.

'Killjoy', I can't help but think about Croatoan when the word comes to mind. It feels as if this disease is worse than the one that could have been.

Being pure and immune us far more of torture than being dead at this stage of life. Being an Angel I didn't get infected but I always find myself thinking about suicide.

Is it really a way out?

When Angels die we end up in The Empty. I won't be with my loved ones but I won't have to think about them and how I will never really see them with me forever, except when visiting Heaven.

I had surprised them one day. I visited Dean first then Sam, they both were thrilled. I was beyond relieved to find [y/n] well and I spent a decent time with her up in her Heaven getting to know her again.

I truly missed every inch of her perfection.

I glance at my Angel blade form time to time, wondering if I would ever regret stabbing myself and ending this misery.

Would it really be worth it?

I feel a drop of water on the surface of my hand. I didn't realise that I had started to cry.

Sometimes I can't seem to control these emotions. Even for an Angel, it's heart breaking.

I think about my failures, how, in a way, I failed to give my best and protect my family.

I failed at making sure my family was safe, and that's the worst thing I could do.

I stand up from my seat  and look around the library. I think about a way I could make myself feel better.

So now, I put my trench coat back on after picking it up from the chair by the table, to search for a new purpose in life.

One that I wish I can succeed at.