Subodh's POV:

It is the month of Mahalaya going on...This month we Konkani speaking Gawd Saraswat community folks perform the ritual of 'Tarpan' (offering) to the dead if we couldn't perform their (Shraaddh) death anniversary as per the GSB Panchang (calendar).

Every year I and mom make arrangements for offering Tarpan to my father who is no more and my brother Sushim who had expired when he was 18 years old. Sushim had committed suicide. Our priest had told, It was a sin and his soul wouldn't be at peace. Suicide is never the solution for anything.

It's a strong belief as per our community that those who commit suicide don't get heaven or hell and are always stuck in the cycle of their lifespan on this earth and don't get salvation. Their soul travels in a nowhere space and tries to reach us out as they regret their decision and are in immense pain. Our priest told that we must pray more for Sushim's soul.

Post offering the pooja and tarpan my mother sat with our family priest discussing about my and Anandi's marriage. The priest looking at my horoscope advised my mother to tie a red thread on my forearm. I would believe in god. I wasn't an atheist but I somehow didn't believe in this evil eye and shit like that. So I politely excused myself. I was a strong believer in Lord Ganesha our family god and goddess Mahamaya.

Anandi was my childhood love. I, Sushim and Anandi were classmates. Sushim being my elder twin was also having emotions for her but Anandi always loved me.

I was somehow not very happy with this proposal as I had broken up with Anandi post my brother's suicide. He had written a note saying...

Not everyone gets all that they want...
Im unlucky...
I can't handle it...
No one is responsible for my death...

Im sorry Amma...

Yours,
Sushim

This had pricked me so much because he had committed suicide the next day since Anandi had proposed to me in college!!!
I had not said her a yes because I had seen Sushim's liking towards her. He preserved even the wrappers of the chocolate which Anandi used to distribute on her birthday every year. I had noticed her broken clip, her faded flower too and the slam book too in his drawer and I didn't want to break my brother's heart but seems like he gave up the minute he saw Anandi in my arms.

I was trying to console her but looks like my brother thought I said her a yes...I won't lie I wanted to .. I love Anandi but my guilt wasn't letting me say a yes!!! And then next day the unthinkable happens...we see my brother hanging to his bedroom fan and we are left shattered💔

Years passed and my mother convinced me to get married to Anandi. Next weekend is my marriage.

Knowing next week beginning there will be guests pouring at home I decided to take good rest. My mother had gone to Anandi's place to discuss on the arrangements and I was sitting watching tv in my bedroom. It was a hot afternoon.
I dozed off.

Suddenly there was knock at the door.
I wondered why isnt the person using a calling bell. I got up from my bed noticed the time...it was 12:35 pm and walked towards the door and opened the door. And I was shocked.

Sushim was standing in front of me.
He looked very weak and tired.

'Wont you invite me Subodh' he said and I only smiled.

He welcomed himself and he directly went into my bedroom. I followed him. He sat on the chair and said...

'I had a long journey Subodh...it is so painful...I just don't like it'

I looked at his pale face.

'Are you hungry???'...I asked him...

'Im both hungry and thirsty...' he said.

I quickly went into the kitchen and noticed there wasn't anything. So I made a immediate Upma and a cup of coffee.
Soon I came back to my room and I saw Sushim stare into a space.

I offered him the Upma and coffee while he held my hand and said...

'I don't like what is happening Subodh. I am restless.'... I could see him in pain.

'What happened Sushim? '

'Im lonely Subodh...I don't have anyone with me... Why don't you join me' he said looking at me.

And I say 'No Sushim...mom will be alone here and Anandi...I can't come'

While he stood up saying..
'There is no point of this. I don't like it alone here...

'Will you come with me forever Subodh?'

I didn't really have an answer...

Next minute I felt his hand on my wrist and he began pulling me...

'Come ...come with me. Will you come with me forever Subodh?' he asked me and I didn't answer anything..

'But Sushim Amma...'

'Just agree to come with me... come Subodh' he said and I didn't have an answer again but he had already began pulling me outside the home holding my wrist tightly.

Just while he was about to drag me outside the house, the sandalwood garland on the Lord Ganesha's picture just above the entrance of main door fell on him and he screamed in pain so loudly and ran outside the house disappearing in no time.

Just then I woke up !!!

I was sweating and I noticed the time. It was ticking 12:35 pm in the noon. And next second I heard the door knock.

I was shivering now.

While I was thinking whether to open the door or not I heard Amma's voice.

'Subodh...open the door ...'

And I was relieved. She was knocking the door as there was no power at home. I opened the door and mom came inside. She began telling about the preparations and I breathed a sigh of relief realising it was just a strange dream.

I went near our prayer room and prayed to my family god and goddess...

Om Mahamaya Ganapathaye Namo Namaha 🙏

Oh god. I don't know what dream that was...

I just hope and pray you give my brother's soul peace and calmness...

Please take care of him... forgive him for his sin... please let his soul rest in eternal peace...

Folding my hands I prayed to God. I know Sushim's suicide is a heinous crime...he must have fought it. Suicide is never a solution. Because neither death embraces you nor life after that.

Just then I stepped out of the room while I was feeling really hungry...

'Amma please serve me lunch...I'm hungry' I said

While she came out smiling with a plate full of upma.

And I'm shocked 😳

I look at my mother's face and she smiles saying..

'If this is the change marriage would bring in you I would have got you married to Anandi long ago'

And I'm still perplexed..

'You made upma...and that too so perfect ...great job son' she said and my mouth is wide open.

Next minute I run into the kitchen to see the pan having upma.

It's the same pan I saw in my dream.

And next minute gathering all my broken confidence I step into my room and my eyes almost pop out of the socket.

The side table had

A plate full of upma and a cup of coffee next to it.

I begin shivering and my mother comes to me asking...

'Subodh what happened are you ok .. Subodh???'

I run to the living room and look at the wall above the door having Lord Ganesha's photo... And I see the sandalwood garland to be missing from the photo.

I collapse in confusion as now I don't know what just happened...

Was Sushim really here???

What was that???

I try not to tell my mother but this was an incident I didn't have any answer to...

I narrate everything to my mother.

Next day my mother takes me to our family priest. He looks at me and smiles saying ..

'Sushim came to take him along... But couldn't.. Correct Subodh?'.

And my heart almost stops!!!

I narrated the incident to the priest who only smiled...

'I sensed his presence long ago...but he hadn't crossed his line...but this time he tried crossing the borders between two worlds...Sushim must know he isn't anymore a part of this world ...And because he committed a suicide he isn't a part of the other world too...he's a wandering soul who was more trigerred since Subodh agreed to marry Anandi...
But then he must know his limit.
He crossed his line and your family god punished him!!!

That sandalwood garland was like burning coal to his soul...

He has been banished from entering your home and your lives again..

To touch you again...

Your almighty protected you ...
I knew you are a pure soul Subodh..An ardent believer in God. That's why when you restricted from wearing the thread across your hand I didn't object. Someone who believes in their beliefs and has never done injustice to anyone and has always stayed on the right path need not fear anyone!!!

When you love God. Believe in him truly you wouldn't need a mere thread to protect you...your belief in God your devotion is enough to keep you safe ..

After all just like how we need our almighty to keep our soul pure... almighty needs our love to make this world a more beautiful place to be...

Don't worry Sushim will never repeat it. He is still around you...he probably will always be but he can never come closer to you .. step in that house or attempt that again....'

He said it all and my mother broke down badly. It's a mother's pain after all. Sushim was also her son. Kids never think what happens to their parents when they take such extreme steps. It's only their selfish need to escape the situation then. Suicide is never a solution to anything.

My mother's tears and her pain cannot be defined. I just hope Sushim's soul attains salvation some day.

This was a spine chilling experience in my life...

I still couldn't judge if this.

Was a dream or a Reality

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