none of u are fucking ready

-

dan.

dan was panicking again.

they had managed to get to the park where everything was happening a few hours early, but people were already trickling in, and dan could hardly stand.

the event was in a huge park, that had a stage for performances and a big space for everything else. people were setting up tables and chairs for them, and phil walked around to check on them in between periods of trying to calm dan down. they were all trying to calm dan down, but it wasn't really working.

dan was curled into a ball and kat kneeled beside him, touching his arm and playing with his hair soothingly, talking to him in a soft voice, but dan's breathing wouldn't slow down.

"kat, i can't do this without my guitar."

"baby, i know this is a big step," kat muttered, squeezing his shoulder. "but you can do this. you're ready. just pretend it's me... pretend it's earl."

dan whimpered, rubbing at his eyes. he didn't want to pretend it was earl, he would just end up breaking down in front of everyone.

phil emerged from wherever he had been and smiled at him pityingly. he had changed clothes; he was wearing a dark blue button up and a blazer with the sleeves rolled up, and black jeans. he looked both professional and casual at the same time, and he was wearing his glasses.

kat had picked out dan's outfit; a white t-shirt that she said hung well on him, his brown jacket, and dark jeans similar to phil's other than a few rips.

something about the way phil was looking at him hit him and dan's stomach burned with determination. he squeezed his eyes shut and took five deep breaths. phil wouldn't pity him; he would calm down and he would be amazing, like he said.

he opened his eyes again. his heart was still beating fast, but at least his breathing was starting to normalize. he stood up carefully and kat stared at him, surprised.

"are you okay?" phil asked, and dan nodded, flashing him a faux confident smile. phil narrowed his eyes. "are you sure?"

"yes, phil," dan said slowly. "i'll be fine. it's just nerves."

"okay..." phil hummed. "just... keep breathing. i believe in you."

"you shouldn't, but okay." dan smiled, real this time. "thank you."

➹

phil.

people were quickly arriving and now phil was feeling the nerves. he didn't feel experienced enough to plan something like this, but it was far too late to back out.

it felt like seconds before sunny was tugging on his sleeve. "it's time."

phil's whole body felt like it was shaking. "really?"

he nodded. "yeah. yeah, everyone's out there. it's one-thirty."

phil glanced at his watch, because that didn't seem right, but it was. god, phil had thought they had so much time, but it had passed in a blur. he took a deep breath and nodded.

"okay. here i go."

he closed his eyes, opened them, and pushed past the curtains.

they had already put a microphone stand up before anyone had gotten there, and phil managed to walk to it without falling. he was of course good at speaking to crowds, but that didn't mean he liked it.

he put on a confident smile and looked around until it was quiet enough for him to speak. he cleared his throat.

"hello, everyone, thank you for coming." he caught a glimpse of his parents, standing at the back of the crowd, and he quickly looked away. he imagined dan was the only one in the audience, and suddenly he felt better. he straightened up. "i planned all this as a celebration, but it turns out, that celebration has turned into something a little different. a little while ago, i opened my own homeless shelter." it was like the words flowed out of him without him having to actually think about them. "and i met some amazing people, including dan, who you'll meet today, and a little boy named earl."

he paused. this didn't feel right, he couldn't explain what happened to them, it wasn't his story to tell. he couldn't tell the world a little boy had passed away through a cocky grin and a fake facade. he cleared his throat.

"and today is about him. not me. and it's about dan. so, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna let him talk."

he turned and walked back off stage, letting out a breath he had been holding. he heard applause but it didn't faze him. dan was staring at him, wide eyed, from the edge of the stage.

"you're gonna make me say it all?" he hissed in a whisper-shout, grabbing phil's arm. he was shaking.

"you can do it," phil whispered, looking him in the eyes. "i promise you can. say whatever you want, dan, i won't be mad no matter what it is. it's your story."

dan shook his head, staring at him in awe. "i fucking hate you," dan breathed, but he leaned in and kissed his cheek quickly, grabbing his guitar and walking out with purpose. phil's face went red and he grinned, watching him go, touching his face where dan's lips had been.

"hi," he heard dan say into the microphone, his voice a little shaky, but not flawed otherwise. he peered out the curtain to watch him where no one would be able to see him. dan took a deep breath. "my good friend phil has um, decided to volunteer me to talk sooner than i was supposed to, so here i am..."

phil's heart skipped a beat. dan was shifting a bit anxiously, the new guitar clutched in his arms tightly. he was gorgeous.

"but... i'm not here to lie to you. i'm not going to sugarcoat it, even though i know that's what a lot of you are accustomed to. my friend, someone who was part of my family, a nine year old boy... he died."

dan's voice broke on the last word and phil's breath caught. the audience was eerily quiet.

"recently. he died really recently." dan swallowed, the hand that was on the microphone trembling. "which isn't fair. i've been homeless for nearly three years now, and i felt absolutely hopeless until i found the friends i did. seriously, they mean so much to me. i thought about offing myself- i was really convinced my life was over, but they took me in and taught me that it didn't have to be."

dan glanced down at his shoes, collecting himself. phil couldn't look away.

"children, or anyone, for that matter, should never be in the situation i was put in. that earl was put in. earl got sick because he didn't have a roof over his head for the longest time, he didn't have healthy food or anyone to take him to school and check his temperature. i did my best, my friend kat, we did our best, but... it isn't always enough."

dan's voice broke again, and phil felt positive that he was crying now, but dan didn't stop talking.

"we lost him. but so many kids, so many people... they're still out there, and they're cold and alone. so many people don't even last as long as earl did. even a stupid building and two meals a day can be the difference between life and death for someone like me."

he glanced in phil's direction.

"shelters are so important. i didn't like phil at first, i'll be honest... but i have no idea where i'd be today without him. you would still be able to see my ribs if i wore a tight shirt. it would still make me nauseous to walk too far. so i want to thank him. it was too late for earl, but... but it's not too late for plenty of people."

dan took a shaky breath and shifted the guitar in his arms.

"um... i-i've been asked to play something today... and i had no idea what that was gonna be, because no song i knew of really captured what's in my mind right now. so... i wrote this. i hope you like it."

the breath left phil's lungs for a second too long. dan was really going to play something he wrote for all of these people. he understood his fear now, completely. this must be such a big deal to him. phil jumped when someone grabbed his arm, and looked over at kat. she wasn't looking at him, she was looking at dan, but her grip was tight on phil's wrist. phil smiled slightly and looked away again.

dan started playing, his eyes closed, but phil could see him visibly relax a bit as the music flowed from his fingers to the strings to the microphone. it started out a bit shaky but quickly picked up power as dan calmed down, not missing a single note. phil couldn't breathe. dan looked so natural out there, on a stage, and phil almost couldn't remember that dan had been nervous, because he looked like the most natural person on earth, like a switch had been flipped or the puzzle piece had finally been fitted.

phil saw him hesitate but then he went for it, leaning in and singing into the microphone. his voice shook before falling into place, his words soft and smooth like cream, so much meaning and force and pain behind them that phil felt like he might cry just from hearing them.

phil really wished dan wasn't beautiful up there. he really wished he didn't look like a higher entity, he wished he didn't glow and sing like an angel. he wished his own heart wasn't beating so fast. he wished he could control himself and he wished dan didn't make him feel like this.

he wished he could follow kat's instructions, he wished he could keep dan safe.

but he couldn't.

dan sang a riff, his voice intangible and airy, punching phil in the gut. phil felt like dan was using his breath, not his own, stealing it from him and tapping into his lungs, but phil would gladly give him all of it. a curl fell in his eyes and dan ignored it, locked in his mind, clearly. but fuck.

his voice was beautiful and emotional, and the words were perfect too, perfectly timed. dan was perfect, and phil's thoughts were running wild. his face was rosy and phil could see the freckles on his neck from there and phil was losing it. he didn't know how anyone else was handling it, but he wasn't handling it well. he didn't know if anyone else saw what he was seeing right then but he kind of hoped not, because he wanted that feeling to himself.

after a minute the song came to a stop, and phil watched dan open his eyes, his face flushed. there was silence, but then the audience erupted into applause. kat was cheering, a huge grin on her face, next to him, but phil didn't think he could do anything but stare. oh fuck.

dan was smiling and he bowed a bit awkwardly, spinning and running toward them. kat hugged him the second he was out of sight of the crowd, and dan hugged her back hard, breathing heavily.

"was i okay?"

"you were amazing, dan!" kat shouted, shaking him. dan turned to look at phil and phil realized he probably looked stupid staring at him like that, but he didn't care. the tension was building in his head, all of his thoughts fighting for a chance to speak, yelling at him.

phil really wished dan wasn't beautiful. but he was. he wished he didn't feel like this. but he did.

he really, really did.

as soon as dan broke away from her and stepped toward him phil's hand was grabbing his shirt and dragging him close. dan squeaked in surprise but phil kissed him before he could say anything stupid, his mouth falling on dan's as if it had been waiting to for ages.

dan stiffened under his touch and phil knew his eyes were open even though his were closed, but phil couldn't overthink- he couldn't even think. his fingers slid into dan's hair easily, his curls soft and even ethereal to the touch.

he could feel dan's hands when they finally touched his chest, sliding up to his shoulders, and dan's body relaxed. phil sighed in relief, touching his face and pulling him closer. his lips were just as soft and full as his everything else, and he tasted like vanilla and honey. kissing dan was like nothing phil had ever felt before.

"holy shit," he heard katrina say, but she sounded like she was in a different room, because dan's arms wrapped around his neck and he went on his toes to kiss him harder. "holy fucking shit."

yeah, phil thought. holy fucking shit, yeah. that was exactly what he had been thinking.