chapter fifty-one ━ in loving memory
( original chapter )

❝It's Mark. He somehow knew
everything. Just not at the right
time.❞

ELLIE STEPPED OFF the elevator, a bundle of envelopes clutched tightly in her hands. "Sloan?" She looked behind her and saw Owen walking toward her. "I thought you had the day off. Why aren't you at home?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I—I do," she replied, holding out the top envelope to him. "I'm not here for work. I figured I'd just hand deliver these; save some money on stamps."

"What is it?" Owen asked her, opening the envelope.

"The date of Mark's funeral," she replied quietly and he looked up. She pressed her lips together and cleared her throat. "I finally got it somewhat situated, so... I hope you can make it."

Owen nodded. "Of course. I'll be there."

She let out a breath and nodded to herself. She continued down the hallway toward the conference room, passing several nurses on the way, and handed them all envelopes. "Though, if you don't want to come, I completely understand. Especially with Mark being the 'hospital whore' and all."

"He grew on us. We'll try and make it."

"Great. And—um—have you seen Dr. Torres and Dr. Shepherd? Oh, and Dr. Webber, by chance?" she asked.

"No, but I can page them if you'd like?"

Ellie nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great, actually," she replied. "Just to the conference room, please. Thank you."

She continued in the direction of the conference room when she was suddenly cornered by her friends and April hugged her tightly. "Ellie!" she exclaimed.

Ellie patted her on the head. "I can't breathe, Apes," she said in a strained voice and April immediately let go of the blonde.

"Oh, sorry," she replied. "What are you doing here? Jackson said you had the day off. So did Hunt."

Jackson nodded. "Which means that you should be at home," he said and Ellie looked at him. "Sleeping, or trying to make new iced coffees."

"I was at home," she defended with a small frown before pulling out three more envelopes. "But I still have stuff to do. Here." She held out the envelopes. "Mark's funeral—this Saturday. I hope you all can come." She cleared her throat. "I have a meeting. I'll see you later."

April, Meredith, and Alex all looked at Jackson as Ellie walked away from them. "You didn't mention that," the redhead said.

Jackson sighed. "I've been trying to keep her mind off of it," he replied. "She hasn't slept well while planning it all. And every time there's a small possibility that something could go wrong, she freaks out."

"Well, how about you?" April asked him. "Are you sleeping? You look exhausted." Jackson stayed silent and started for his patient's room. "We have to do something!"

"Like what?" Alex questioned. "Force them to take a nap?"

April shrugged. "Or something like that."

Ellie's phone went off just as she entered the conference room and sat down in an empty chair. "Hello?"

"Ellie." It was Addison. "I got your message. Is something wrong?"

"Well—" She looked up when Derek, Callie, and Richard walked inside. "—actually, good timing. Let me put you on speaker, Addie." She linked her fingers together and let out a breath. "Thank you all for coming. Uh—to start things off... here's the invite to Mark's funeral." She slid the envelopes toward them. "This Saturday at the funeral home. The address is on the invite. Which brings me to the reason I asked you all to come here."

She sucked in a breath. "I was hoping you all would speak at the service. You all meant a great deal to Mark and I think he'd love it if you spoke."

Derek nodded. "Of course we will."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "And, Addie, it's an odd history for you—and Derek—but would you speak, too?" she asked, looking down at her phone. "You loved him, too."

"Of course I will," Addison replied. "I'd love to."

"Is there anything else we can do to help?" Richard asked the blonde who shook her head.

"No," she said quietly. "Thank you, though. I have everything taken care of. Jackson's been a big help—we've eaten a lot of Chinese food this week." She stood up. "Oh, actually, if you could just pass these along to others, that'd be great. Don't forget Bokhee. He loved Bokhee."

"I'll make sure they get them," Derek assured her and she nodded—mostly to herself.

"Alright... See you Saturday..."

☀️

ON SATURDAY, ELLIE sat in front of her mirror, staring back at her reflection. She had minimal makeup on; it would just wash off anyway. Her black dress was clinging tightly to her body and her blonde hair fell past her shoulder in its natural waves.

"Hey, we're going to be late." Jackson knocked on the bedroom door and she briefly glanced up at him—he was wearing a suit and fixing his tie and the look perfectly complimented him; of course it did. "Are you ready?"

She shook her head. "No."

He stopped tying his tie and looked down at her. "Come on." She looked over at his outstretched hand. "They can't start without you."

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Do you trust me?" he asked in response and her gaze met his. She nodded and he smiled gently. "Then trust me."

She looked back down at his hand and took it, allowing him to take her outside. She quickly grabbed her phone and he locked the door behind them. The entire time they were in the car, she gave him confused looks and he simply smiled in return.

Ellie glanced out the car window as it came to a stop, seeing they were outside of a local coffee shop. "Are you taking me on a date, Dr. Avery?" she asked with a small smile.

He shrugged. "Maybe," he replied, starting to get out of the car. "Come on. Today doesn't have to be all sad."

She followed after him into the building. To anybody else, they probably looked incredibly overdressed. She stood next to him at the counter and he ordered for her before she could say anything. She smiled to herself; he remembered her drink.

He waited for their drinks while she went to find a table next to the window and sat down. She glanced down at her phone and saw a text.

[ DEREK SHEPHERD ]
9:27 am
Where are you? People
are starting to come.

She let out a breath and set her phone aside. Jackson walked over with their drinks. He sat down across from her and she played with the top of her iced latte.

"Thank you," she said, looking up. "For taking my mind off of everything today..."

He nodded. "I know how hard today is for you," he replied softly. "So if you're ever having any trouble up there, just look for me. Okay?"

She smiled softly. "How did I get so lucky?" she asked him. "Well, actually, I do know how. And I think Mark had something to do with it."

"Oh, he absolutely did," Jackson agreed with a chuckle. "He kept annoying me with all these questions—did I notice that you seemed perkier than usual; did I notice that you were having a bad day."

"He questioned you?" she asked with a pout. "Oh, I'm sorry. He does that to everyone who I potentially dated. It mortified me when I was a teenager. And as an adult, too, I guess. Do you remember when he figured out we kissed in the OR? Holly's case?"

He nodded and laughed to himself. "How did he even find out?"

"It's Mark," she replied with a shrug. "He somehow knew everything. Just not at the right time." She sighed contentedly to herself and Jackson looked back at her. She caught his eye. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. "I just—I've missed your laugh. That's all."

She let out a breath. "It's been a depressing past couple of weeks—and stressful—but for some reason, you're still here. Any sane person would've run by now."

"Well, then I would be breaking my promise to Mark," he told her and she looked up at him. "I don't intend to break that promise."

Ellie gave a small smile and looked back down when she heard her phone buzz once more.

[ DEREK SHEPHERD ]
9:47 am
Ellie.
The funeral director is
beginning to ask where
you are.

"We should probably go..." she said, still looking down at the text. "Derek's starting to ask where I am."

"I told you, they can't start without you," Jackson replied and she shook her head. "We don't have to go yet."

"No, we should go," she said with a small sigh. "Before Derek sends out a search party for me. He will do it."

As for Derek Shepherd, he was pacing back and forth inside the funeral home. "Is she here yet?" he asked his wife for the hundredth time that morning.

Meredith sighed and shook her head. "No. Again. It's a difficult day for her, Derek, let her be late."

"But it's Ellie," he countered with a frown. "She's never late."

"Derek." Both he and Meredith looked over when Addison walked over to them, Amelia with her. "The funeral is supposed to start in two minutes. Where is Ellie?"

"I don't know!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I don't—"

"I'm here." Derek stopped and glanced in the direction of the doorway, seeing Ellie walk into the room with Jackson behind her. "We're here. Sorry, we're late. Had a little detour to make."

The funeral director walked over to her. "Ah, Ellie, are you ready?"

She looked around at all of the faces looking back at her before nodding. "Yeah."

☀️

"MARK WAS..." ELLIE sat beside Jackson as the funeral began and Callie stood in the front of the room. "Mark was more than just the father of my daughter—he was my best friend. He was there when nobody else was. He was there to help me through my divorce from my ex-husband; he was there when I broke up with my then-girlfriend. He was... He was always there. And, yes, it did get a bit annoying when we were trying to sleep."

Ellie chuckled lightly and linked her arm with Jackson's.

"But now that he isn't here..." Callie continued softly. "I miss the constant knocking on my door. I miss seeing Arizona throw a pillow at him for interrupting our alone time. But, what I miss seeing the most, is him interacting with Sofia.

"He was so excited to be a dad. And I knew he was going to be the best because he raised Ellie and she turned out—well, look at her.

"My daughter lost a father, and I lost my best friend. And it hurts. And there are days when I just don't believe it. But I will cherish every memory we shared. Every laugh; every joke; every stupid conversation about his sleeping with nurses. Because he's gone. And I won't have any more conversations with him. Goodbye, Mark." She looked over at the silver urn that sat in front of the smiling picture that Ellie had chosen. "We'll take care of Sofia for you."

☀️

"WHEN ELLIE ASKED me if I would say something at the service, I spent days trying to figure out what to say." It was Derek's turn to speak and Ellie tilted her head. "I needed to find some way to summarize my friendship with Mark. But, for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything. Mark was—and still to this day is—my brother.

"And we had our ups and downs, just like everybody. He slept with my then-wife; I think I punched him more times than I should ever admit out loud, and, as surgeons, we probably shouldn't have done that so often." Ellie bit the inside of her cheeks, fighting back a smile. "But that's just how we were. Ask Ellie, she'd tell you."

She nodded in agreement.

Derek cleared his throat. "Mark and I first met when we were kids," he said, looking over at Mark's smiling picture. "My mom would take him in when he had restless nights and just needed some comfort—something his parents couldn't give him. And while growing up, I would see this boy who would eventually become the hospital whore." Ellie snorted to herself. "Until that changed. It all changed on March 1st, 1982—the day his baby sister was born. At that moment, I saw a complete change in Mark. Well, at least for the first twenty-five years of her life."

Ellie laughed softly to herself and peeked over at Addison who was sinking down in her chair, shaking her head.

"Seeing Mark become this person who so desperately wanted to protect his sister was... well, it was something that you really had to see to believe. I'm sure anybody who knew Mark would say that, at first glance, he didn't look like a caring brother, but he was. He loved his sister more than life itself. Until his last breath."

Ellie tilted her head and wiped at the corner of her eyes. Jackson wrapped an arm around her and she shuffled closer to him.

"I know I'm supposed to be talking about Mark, but..." Derek's gaze shifted to the blonde in front of him. "Ellie, you need to know how proud he was of you. He was so proud. Of the surgeon you became and the woman you've become. Don't think for one minute that he wasn't proud. Because I think he was the proudest brother in existence. And he loved you. So much. From the moment you took your first breath... to the moment he took his last."

☀️

ADDISON SOON FOUND herself standing at the podium in front of the sea of people and looked out at them. "I won't lie... when Ellie asked if I would speak today, I had a bit of a double-take. Because... Mark and I had a very weird, complicated history. Yes, I slept with him while I was married to his best friend—it was not our finest moment. But it's not one I want to forget. And, I'm sorry, Ellie, but the sex with Mark was really good."

Ellie groaned and shook her head. "Do not tell me that!"

"I did say I was sorry," Addison told her with a shrug before letting out a breath. "I met Mark through Derek and we became good friends. The best of friends. He was Derek's best man at our wedding. And... I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately say just how much he meant to me. Everyone has already said it, but he was my best friend. Which is why I'm honored that Ellie asked me to speak today.

"I just want to echo what Derek said earlier," she continued, looking at the woman she thought of as a sister. "Seeing Mark interact with Ellie is something I will never forget. He loved his sister from the moment he found out about her and it never stopped. Even when they didn't speak for two years, he loved her. Ellie, you were the reason he had a purpose in life and how he knew that he could be a good father to Sofia.

"And I know we're not supposed to be making this about you—it's about Mark. But... you put together this incredible service that I know he would've loved and you're keeping his memory alive. He would be very proud. And he would be so happy knowing that you're living life the way he wanted you to."

☀️

ELLIE LOOKED DOWN at the papers she had in her lap before letting out a small breath and standing up. She felt Jackson squeeze her hand and she glanced at him for a moment. She smiled softly and walked up to the podium. She bit her bottom lip, looking up at the people in front of her.

"Uh—well... firstly, I'd like... I'd like to thank you all for coming," she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "I won't say how much it means to me, or to Mark, because I don't think I can ever say it. But I think Mark would be very touched to know how many people came."

She smoothed out the paper, fidgeting with her fingers. "I bet some of you are wondering why I have something written out if I can generally remember everything. I do—I have this eulogy memorized down to every semicolon. But... I've cried enough today from all of these speeches—and these past few weeks—that I really don't want to cry again. But I don't think that's gonna happen. So, just—just a warning to the front row that you might be in the splash zone."

She glanced down in front of her and Jackson smiled softly making her nod.

"When I was writing this, I concluded that nothing I say would ever make enough sense," she said, clearing her throat. "I wrote this eulogy eight times and every time, it was just a jumble of words. So, instead of that, I'd like to tell you a story. If you'll all indulge me."

Ellie let out a shaky breath. "When I was five years old, Mark was home from his freshman year of college," she began. "And he wanted to be a regular college kid; hang out with his friends, go to the football field, and remember his glory days—I don't actually know what college boys think about, but that's what I imagined he did.

"And he did just that. In the morning, he would drop me off at my summer camp and then he would go spend the day with his friends. But every day, when camp ended, he was the first person at pick up. Not once was he late.

"And I remember this one day, just before bed during that summer," she continued, smiling softly. "We were playing Go Fish, and he wasn't going easy on me. He always said, 'Just because you're a little genius doesn't mean that I'm gonna let you win, sunshine,'." She chuckled lightly. "And guess what? He never won. Not a single time. And instead of being upset or bitter about losing to his five-year-old sister, he had this big smile on his face. From day one, he was my biggest supporter—my biggest cheerleader. He was the one that I could always count on to be there.

"And it never stopped," she said, her voice starting to break and she cleared her throat. "He was at every dance recital, softball game, tennis match, debate, speech, government, everything. He was at everything. Even when he was in med school—or during his residency, when he was at his busiest—he would always be there. And I never thought much about that until I was trying to write the eulogy when I realized how lucky I was to have a brother like him. I was so lucky to have Mark as my father figure."

She paused and looked away from the sheet of paper. "I'm sure you're all sick of listening to me by now, and I promise that I'm getting to the end, but I just have one request for all of you. That when you go home tonight, or later today, you find the person—or people—that you love most in the world and hold them tight. Tell them how much you love them and how lucky you are to live your life with them. Hug them as tightly as you possibly can and listen to their heartbeat. Listen to the blood pumping from their chest, their breathing, and their heartbeat. That sound is absolutely priceless.

"I'd also like to mention somebody else that we lost earlier this month," she said, letting out a breath. "Lexie Grey and my brother had a very complicated relationship in their lifetime, and it may have had a tragic end, but the love they had for each other was always very evident. It was evident while they were broken up, it was evident while they were together. And it was evident when he saw her take her last breath and say her last words. I suppose he did die of a broken heart. So, Lexie, take good care of my big brother, okay?

"And finally, to Mark..." She felt tears well in her eyes and she paused, wiping them away from her cheeks. "Thank you," she whispered, tilting her head. "For always being there. For... being the best brother that I could have ever imagined. I'll always love you, and I'll always miss you. But I'm a Sloan. And Sloan's are tough. You taught me that and I'll teach that to Sofia. You taught me how to be strong." She sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. "You will always be my other half... even if you're not here in person. I love you, Mark."

☀️

RICHARD STEPPED UP to the podium and Ellie laid her head on Jackson's shoulder. He rested his hand on her leg, rubbing his thumb in comfort and she rested her hand on top of his.

"I'm sure you're all sick of listening to person after person speak, and how can I ever follow Ellie? But... Mark Sloan was a good man. He was a problematic man at times, but he was a good man. His time at Seattle Grace did not start well... I remember when my chief of neurosurgery punched him and nearly broke his hand in the process. It wasn't going to be the first time either."

Ellie glanced at Derek who sank in his seat and she snorted.

"You've all heard about his life as a person, friend, and brother. Allow me to tell you about Dr. Mark Sloan. He was quite possibly one of the best plastic surgeons we ever had. Now, no disrespect to Dr. Avery—" Jackson shook his head. "—but he may be the best we will ever have. The respect he had for his patients was astronomical. And he may have had issues with nurses in the past, but they're all here. So, to me, that means he changed.

"I'll make this short because I can't quite find the words to honor this man the way he deserves to be honored. So, in short, thank you, Dr. Sloan. For being a great colleague, friend, father, and brother. You will be missed sorely at Seattle Grace."

☀️

AFTER THE SERVICE, Ellie stood in the empty room by herself. She gently traced her finger over the silver urn that sat in front of her. Her finger glossed over the carving of his name and she smiled softly to herself.

"Hey." She looked behind her and saw Derek walking toward her. "It was a beautiful service, Ellie. You did good."

She glanced back at the urn and squeezed his hand. "You know, you didn't have to make me cry so much with your speech."

"I was just telling the truth," he replied before kissing her cheek. "I love you, sunshine." She paused and looked at him with a smile.

"I love you, too." He started back up the aisle. "You know, I thought it would hurt more hearing somebody else say 'sunshine', but... it feels right coming from you."

Derek smiled back at her and walked out of the room, passing Jackson. "How are you doing?" he asked her and she nodded.

"You know what... I'm doing okay," she said, looking at him. "And for the first time since he died... I mean it."

"Did you ever decide what you're going to do with his ashes?" he asked, moving to stand beside her.

She tilted her head. "I found a nice little spot in the cemetery," she replied softly. "I don't need my brother's ashes sitting on our fireplace mantle. It's nice and sunny—an occasional breeze. I think he'd like it." She took his hand. "Come on. Let's go home. This dress is uncomfortable."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Ellie looked back at him and over at the urn. "Yeah." She nodded with a small smile. "Yeah, I am."

☀️

━ author's note:

this chapter was about the farewell to mark sloan (well, except for flashbacks and things) but it felt appropriate to also mention lexie as she deserved a proper goodbye

also, this is most definitely not the end of ellie's grieving of mark. i really tried to show the range of grief—that one day she can laugh about something and the next, she's sad by a memory. it feels more raw and authentic to me.

i don't want it to be a 'one chapter and done' type of thing. i want it to feel real and i hope i'm doing that.

but we're getting into some more lighthearted chapters, i promise <3