chapter sixteen ━ welcome back
( season seven, episode two )

❝And I know that working
isn't the solution, but it's all
I have.❞

ELLIE SAT IN front of the mirror, pulling back her blonde locks into french braids out of her face. She stared back at her reflection, the dark circles under her eyes from the restless nights. The memories swirling in her mind.

Mark knocked on the door. "Hey, sunshine, you ready to go?"

Ellie looked up at him with a doubtful look on her face. "I—I don't know if I can do this."

"Sure you can." Mark sat beside her and she looked down at her hands. "You just have to take it one day at a time. You have people around you, Ellie. Me, Jackson, April. Which... is why you're on my service until further notice. Chief agreed to it."

Ellie sighed and looked back in the mirror. "Okay."

Once she was inside the hospital, she left Mark's side before finding the conference room and walking in with a knock.

Dr. Perkins looked up. "Ah, Dr. Sloan. I was wondering when I would be seeing you. Please, have a seat."

Ellie closed the door behind her and sat in the chair while hugging her legs to her chest. Dr. Perkins opened his file.

"I understand you were in the psych ward for over a month," he said and she nodded. "Can you tell me more about that?"

"Like what?"

"I'm sorry?"

"What exactly do you want to know, Dr. Perkins?" Ellie asked. "Why I was in the psych ward? How I felt while I was there? How I'm feeling now?"

"To start."

She let out a breath. "I was dead. Twice. My brother told me that I flatlined twice for twenty minutes before they got my heart rate stabilized. And, I... I don't know, I freaked. I should have died. I was shot in the abdomen and left alone for over an hour. I should have bled to death, but I didn't. I... I survived. I woke up from the surgery to news that one of my other best friends was killed. So, instead of losing one friend, I lost two. And I learned that Meredith Grey, who is as good as my sister-in-law, had a miscarriage. And a man I consider to be a brother, nearly died.

"I just... I had a pretty crappy childhood. Growing up, I didn't have parents around much. Just me and my brother. But he didn't understand all the emotions I went through. The emotions of a teenage girl. So, I kept them bottled up. It's how I got my nickname. Sunshine. No one ever saw me unhappy. Because I wouldn't let them. In fact, I was determined on that. Always smiley and peppy and happy. But lately..." Ellie looked out the window with a shrug. "Lately I've been emotional. I've been distant. I have had so many people come to see me, but I just close the door in their face. I just—I just want the pain to go away. I want the aching in my heart to leave. And I know that working isn't the solution but it's all I have.

"I want to go to work with a smile on my face everyday. I want to save people because we weren't able to save Reed and Charlie. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives and make sure they see tomorrow."

"So, what's stopping you?" Dr. Perkins asked.

Ellie looked back at him. "Everything triggers me. While I was in psych, we had a sign on the door to make sure people knocked. And it wasn't for common courtesy. I hear a loud noise, my heart races. Someone makes a quick motion, I flinch. How can I be a surgeon if I can't even go through life without being scared?"

Dr. Perkins leaned back in his chair and let out a breath. "Well, that's a part of life. Being scared. The world is a scary place. But it's being strong that allows you to go through it. You saw the body of your best friend. You nearly died. Your brother, as you call him, he nearly died as well. You've been through something traumatic, it's natural to have a response like that. But in time, the memory will go away."

"No, it won't," she said quietly, shaking her head.

"Sorry?"

"Did your file tell you that I have a photographic memory? That I remember every second of every day?" Dr. Perkins remained silent. "I remember the blank look on Reed's face. I remember Alex's groans as he dragged himself to the elevator. I remember Mark's voice breaking when he told me I died. I remember the look on Jackson's face when he saw me in psych. That look broke my heart. It still breaks my heart. I remember everything. How can you help with that? Look, you don't have to clear me. That decision is entirely up to you. But I can't stay in that apartment by myself. I need to do something. I... need to work. I need to help people because my people are gone. Please, Dr. Perkins. Let me help people."

Dr. Perkins stared at her before picking up his pen and signing the yellow form. "I'm clearing you on the condition that you seek a grief counselor. I think it can help."

Ellie nodded, taking the form. "Thank you." She left the conference room and made her way to Richard's office. "Chief?"

"Dr. Sloan," Richard greeted with a smile. "It's nice to have you back. What can I do for you?"

She handed him the form. "I just wanted to tell you that I was cleared."

He accepted the form with a nod. "I'm glad to hear that. Are you sure you're ready to go back? We can assign you something else, like scut?"

"Thank you, sir, but I need to work," she said.

Richard nodded. "Alright then. You're on your brother's service. Welcome back, Dr. Sloan."

Ellie smiled tightly and went down to the resident's lounge. She walked in slowly as pagers went off. She put on her scrubs without a word to anyone, ignoring the stares from others. She looked to her left at Reed's locker and saw the picture of the Mercy West residents taped to the inside.

Ellie jumped when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She looked behind her and let out a breath. "Jackson. It's just you."

"Sorry to scare you," he said. "Just wanted to say welcome back."

"Th—Thanks." She looked at the residents across the room and they quickly looked away just as April came up to them.

"When is the staring gonna stop?" she asked them.

"As soon as the novelty wears off," Jackson replied. "Just ignore them."

Lexie turned around with a sigh. "Yes. Okay, I am the crazy one. I am the one who freaks out and screams at people... like that."

"Go gawk at each other for a while," Meredith told them.

Ellie sighed and looked down at her pager. "Hey, you're gonna do great," Jackson told her. "You're Elizabeth Sloan."

She nodded. "Yeah. Um... I'm, uh, Mark. I'm gonna go find Mark."

Jackson sighed as he watched her go. "You're Elizabeth Sloan."

☀️

ELLIE STOOD BESIDE Mark in the ER after a flag football team was brought in from a lightning strike. April and Lexie were also with them. April looked up. "How did it strike all of 'em?"

"Well, they're mostly flash burns, so it probably hit one of them then conducted off onto the rest," Mark replied and April walked away. Just as Lexie went to follow her, Mark stopped her. "Lexie. TM Rupture, trauma one. Ellie and I will see you in there."

"What are you up to, Mark?" Ellie asked, looking at her brother.

"Hmm?" He shook his head. "Nothing. Come on, baby sister. We have a consult."

Ellie wrinkled her nose. "Ew. Never call me baby sister again."

She followed him into the trauma room where Callie was examining a young girl. "Okay, wiggle your toes for me."

"I still can't," she said. "Am I gonna be in a wheelchair?"

"We're gonna take you in for a CT," Callie replied. "But hopefully, it is just temporary, from the lightning."

"Couple of your friends have it, too," Mark added. "They're already starting to get some feeling back."

"That's a good thing," Ellie told her.

The girl, Kerry, nodded. "Okay."

Meredith walked in. "Hey, Kerry. A friend of yours, Russ Gammie, is asking about you."

"How's Warren Griffith?" Kerry asked. "Is he okay? Did he ask about me?"

"Which one is Warren?"

Another one came in and Ellie looked around. "Excuse me. Excuse me. I—"

"Who's this?" Mark asked. "Russ or Warren?"

"Mitch?"

"Mitch now?" Callie asked.

"Hey, have you seen Warren?" Kerry asked. "Is he okay?"

"Kerry, I gotta say this. We both could've died out there," Mitch said causing Ellie and Lexie to look at each other. "That lightning bolt was like a one-in-a-million shot, so I gotta take one, too. I love you, Kerry." Mark and Ellie glanced at each other at the declaration. "And if we get through this, I want you to know, I will love you forever."

Kerry looked at him. "What?" She pointed at her ear and shrugged.

Lexie stepped in and cleared her throat. "Sir, I'm sorry. If you're not being treated, then you're gonna have to go to the waiting room. We'll—We'll keep you posted."

"Kerry," Mark said, examining her ear. "Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, I can hear you fine," she replied with a nod. "I just didn't want him to know that I heard... that."

"You're a popular girl," Meredith told her.

"No." She shook her head. "I'm sure he's just overexcited. It is like a one-in-a-million thing."

"Actually, it's more like a 1-in-6,250 kind of thing,"Lexie said. "Lightning kills between 150 to 300 people every year in the US alone."

"Lexie," Meredith said, looking at her sister.

"Well, no, I mean, it's—it's still rare. I mean, it's not, like, say, handgun death." Ellie looks down at her hand. "I mean, that's—that's 1 in 325."

"Lexie." Mark looked at her. "You okay?"

"Yeah. No, I'm saying—I'm saying she's lucky. That's... you know, hey, yay, you."

"Can someone just please check on Warren for me?" Kerry asked. "I need to know if he's okay."

"Is Warren your boyfriend?" Meredith asked.

"No. He's... no."

"Okay." Meredith nodded and left the trauma room.

"Well," Mark said, returning to the subject of her injuries. "You've got two burst eardrums, but they will heal themselves, too."

"Great. Thank you."

"Does that mean there's no surgery?" Lexie asked. "Can I go? Cause Dr. Shepherd's here, so he might have something."

"Maybe you should with the Sloans." Mark replied and Lexie sighed. "Kerry will needs a workup. Let's go, baby sister."

"Seriously, I will hurt you."

☀️

"OH, MY GOD. Thank you." Callie joined the group in the trauma room with Kerry's results.

"Yep, CT looks clear," Callie informed her. "No damage to your spine."

"Which means I can go?" Lexie asked Mark.

"It means you should observe her," Mark corrected.

Suddenly, the entire flag football team barged into the room. "Whoa. Hey!"

They all started talking over each other.

"Guys!" Meredith said, trying to get their attention. "You can't be in here."

"Everybody, shut up. Shut up." Kerry quieted them all. "Okay. Warren. You talk."

Warren stepped forward." Kerry, I..." He suddenly started coughing up blood and collapsed.

"Page Bailey!"

☀️

ELLIE WALKED OUT of one of Mark's patients room, looking at the chart when she bumped into Alex. "Oh, sorry!"

"Don't worry about it."

Ellie frowned at Alex holding his ribs. "Alex..."

"What?"

"I didn't run into you hard enough for you to be in pain." She lifted up his shirt. "Why the hell do you still have a bullet in your body?"

"Oh, it just reached its way to the surface," he said with a shrug. "I haven't gotten it out yet."

"And will you?" she asked.

"Apparently I can't operate until someone operates on me."

"Then it should be a no-brainer." Ellie hugged the chart to her chest. "We don't need anymore reminders of that day. I'm reminded every time I'm in the lounge where there are two empty lockers. I'm reminded every time I see the scar across my abdomen. Get the damn bullet out, Alex."

Ellie collected Mark's charts before going into the observation deck of Teddy and Owen's surgery. She sat in the back behind Meredith, occasionally looking up from her charting to watch the surgery.

"How did you get cleared?" Meredith asked and Ellie looked up. "I mean, you were in psych. How did you get cleared before me?"

"He just wants you to tell Derek," Ellie said with a shrug. "Tell Derek about the miscarriage and he'll clear you."

"That's easier said than done."

Ellie sighed. "Everything's easier said than done. It's easier to say that we can walk into OR without being scared than it is to actually do it. It's easier to say we weren't affected by the shooting, but really, we all were. In some way, we were affected. But you do need to tell him, Meredith. Or he'll just continue to be reckless."

Meredith nodded and they both jumped when they heard a loud noise. They looked down into the OR and saw Cristina on the floor. Meredith jumped up. "Come on, Ellie." Ellie sat in her seat, staring at the OR. "Ellie, please. Cristina needs me."

She nodded slowly and followed Meredith down to the OR. She scrubbed in as quickly and efficiently as she could before walking into the OR. "Where do you need me?"

"Are you cleared?" Teddy asked and she nodded. "Okay. Help Hunt. Avery, go get a new tissue."

Ellie stood across from Owen and helped him keep the patient stable and alive while they waited for Jackson to bring another tissue.

After the surgery, Ellie found Jackson on a gurney outside the OR. "Hey." He looked up and she sat down beside him.

"Hey."   

"How are you?" she asked quietly.

He sighed. "I caused her to freak out," he said and she shook her head. "I bumped the instruments and they made her freak out."

"Hey, no." Ellie took his chin and looked him in the eye. "You didn't cause it, Jackson. Cristina wasn't ready to come back and she shouldn't have come back if she wasn't ready. We all faced a lot that day. Face it, Jackson, you had four friends and 2 died and one almost did. There's a lot we have to get through, but we'll do it together."

"You promise you won't shut me out?" he asked.

Ellie smiled and sighed. "I don't know if I can fully promise that. But, I've been alone for a while. We'll stick together. Remember what Charlie would say?"

"Mercy West forever," he quoted and Jackson smiled. He nodded. "Thank you, Ellie."

"We'll be okay, Jackson." She leaned her head on his shoulder." Together. We'll be okay together."

☀️

━ author's note:

I can't be the only one who thought they severely overlooked everybody's trauma from the shooting.

I feel like they only showed Cristina and I'm not undermining that she wasn't traumatized but April literally fell on top of her best friend's dead body; Meredith saw her husband get shot and then told the shooter to shoot her instead; jackson also operated on derek; lexie literally wasn't able to forget it.

okay that's my rant about that, but it just bothered me and I needed to vent to somebody about it