Johnny's POV

I wanted to scream, and I wanted it all to finally end.

Everything was going to shit.

I sunk into my hospital bed, thinking of all the events that had happened recently, what had caused them, and how I could fix them.

It all started a year ago.

Flashback

"Soda, can I talk to you about something?" I asked, sitting down on the couch.

"Sure, what's up?" he questioned. I sighed. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

"Sodapop, I think I'm.." I said, trailing off. He was sitting on the edge of his seat, waiting to hear what I had to say.

"I think I'm gay, Soda," I mumbled. Soda gasped loudly.

"You can't think that, Johnny!" he exclaimed. I looked down.

"Why not?" I replied. Sodapop sighed, knowing that he'd have to explain things to me.

"Because it's not right, Johnny," he stated. I shrugged.

"How do you know?" I asked. It's not like Sodapop was the smartest out of the gang.

"Because those feelings are going to pass, trust me, I know," he whispered. I stared at him.

"Oh," I mumbled, unsure of what to say.

"I'll tell you what, Johnny, I'm gonna help you out. I'm gonna get you a date," he stated. I felt ashamed.

"Okay, Soda. Fix me, I guess," I whispered. Sodapop patted my shoulder.

Everything began from there.

Sodapop would try and get me dates with girls, and while they were pretty, I never felt anything beyond friendship with them. They were too frilly, or too loud, or too girly, or too something that I just didn't like.

I was content with being alone, and occasionally staring at some cute boys on the street when I saw them. I wasn't emotionally attached or in love.

That was until my trip with Ponyboy to Windrixville happened.

Spending a week with Pony changed everything for me.

-

I was sitting on the dusty floor of the church, trying to read "Gone With The Wind." I had nothing better to do.

Pony's head was on my lap. He was napping silently. I put the book down to look at him for a second.

I studied Pony's face, and I realized how beautiful he was. The sunlight streaming in through the window made his skin look radiant, and his bleached blond hair added a certain allure to him. It was a golden color in the sun. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and his eyelashes were long on his cheeks. His soft hands gripped at my legs, and there was a slight smile stretched across his pale, pink lips.

I couldn't help but smile to myself. I felt like a Greek God was laying on me. He was something else.

I couldn't resist myself.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and I reached out to hold both of his hands.

I fell asleep in peace.

I think that that was when I first realized I was developing feelings for Ponyboy. They started simply, but as they progressed, they became more complicated.

I couldn't help but listen to the words that came out of his mouth. Everything he said sounded like music.

Sometimes, I couldn't help but stare at him. There were times where he just looked too good.

On top of that, his brain was amazing. He always knew what to say and what to do. He didn't need to be violent to get what he wanted, because he could formulate plans. It was like watching a genius.

Everything about Ponyboy made me fall for him a little more each day. Eventually, my feelings became to much.

I had to tell someone.

-

"Dal, can I talk to you?" I asked. We were sitting in Buck's car. Dally had it for the weekend.

"Sure, what's up?" he replied. I composed myself.

"You have to promise not to laugh," I stated. Dally raised his eyebrows, but nodded signalling that he understood.

"I'm in love with Ponyboy, and I have been since Windrixville," I whispered. Dally's eyes went wide, but then they softened.

"You're serious?" he questioned. I nodded my head and then looked down. I felt like he was going to punch me.

"If he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you," he stated, putting a hand on my shoulder. I gasped.

"You really mean it?" I asked.

"I mean it," he said.

Dally gave me a hug as best as he could.

Then, Angela Sheppard came along.

She was a beautiful girl, black hair, pretty face, and she was nice enough. Everyone knew that she was some glorious prize.

Sodapop knew this too.

"Hey, how do you feel about the Sheppard sister?" he asked me. I shrugged.

"She's really pretty," I stated. I think I knew where this was going.

"Ask her out. I heard that she had an eye on you," he stated.

I don't know why, but I took Sodapop's advice.

-

I ended up asking Angela on a date. It wasn't terrible, in fact, it was quite enjoyable. We went to see a movie.

I felt a bit guilty taking her since I promised to take Pony, but it was okay.

I'd do anything to get rid of my feelings for him.

Then, she kissed me.

It was my first kiss. It was dull. I didn't feel anything at all.

But, I kissed back.

-

I hung out with Ponyboy the next night after the kiss. He looked like he was feeling down, so I wanted to cheer him up.

I knew that Pony didn't feel the same way about me. He was straight. If I remembered correctly, he liked some Soc named Cherry.

Cherry is pretty, I am not. Cherry is smart, I am not. Cherry is nice, I is not. Cherry is a girl, I'm a boy.

Everything separated her and I apart from each other. That's why Ponyboy liked her, and not me.

-

We were sitting in the lot, looking up at the sky.

Ponyboy was laying on me, and we were suddenly cuddling.

Suddenly, I felt something swell up in my chest.

It was warm and it felt amazing.

Instinctively, I kissed Ponyboy. I felt his soft lips against mine, and I held onto him with my hands.

The kiss was amazing. I felt fireworks everywhere.

But then I realized.

He was a straight boy. I was supposed to be a straight boy.

I panicked.

"It was a mistake," I said.

Ponyboy slapped me, tears in his eyes.

-

Lots of stuff happened after the kiss. Everything happened because I loved Pony, and I couldn't control myself.

Sodapop found out, and started to fight me. I guess he knew that the "work" he was doing wasn't working, and he didn't want me to see his brother.

I punched him in the nose, breaking it.

Sodapop went to the hospital.

I felt bad for what I did, but at the same time, I knew that he deserved it, even if he may be right.

Then, my seizure happened.

-

I was sitting on a seat, crying. I suddenly felt my head start to pound, and my whole body numb.

I hit the floor, and began to convulse violently. I couldn't control it. My motions were everywhere. It was unbearable.

I saw Two Bit kneeling next to me, as well as Steve and Dally.

I could see panic on their face, and I could hear screaming.

I didn't stop shaking.

I kept shaking until everything went black.

-

I had a seizure due to PNES. I guess that I was always stressed and depressed over the fact that I couldn't have Ponyboy, and over punching Sodapop.

I'd have visitors everyday. Sometimes it would be Darry, sometimes Steve, sometimes Dally, sometimes Two Bit, and sometimes Ponyboy.

Ponyboy and I had our second kiss in that bed, right after he told me he loved me.

-

I was sleeping, when I felt something gripping my hands. I wasn't sure who it was, but I kept my eyes closed.

"I love you," I heard them whisper. I immediately recognized the voice as Ponyboy's.

His words gave me hope for our love, for us to be together.

I didn't say I loved him back in fear of Sodapop and Angela.

I opened my eyes and kissed him. There were fireworks.

There was a knock at the door.

-

Angela walked in, and sat at the edge of my bed, just as Ponyboy was leaving.

"I love you," she stated. My eyes widened. She stared at me for a few seconds.

"Well? Don't you love me?" she said, standing up. She was clearly offended.

I grabbed her small hand.

"I love you too," I mumbled.

Everything felt all wrong.

-

Angela started to visit me even more after I told her that I loved her. I didn't hate her, but I definitely didn't want to be dating her.

We were kissing, when Ponyboy stormed into the room.

-

"Ponyboy? What the hell?" I asked. Angela and I were kissing. I felt violated.

"We have to talk!" he exclaimed. I gave him a confused look.

"Clearly we do! You just stormed in like a monster-" I started. He cut me off.

"I got wasted at a party a few nights ago, and I was making out with some girl. I remember who it was. It was Angela!" he screamed. My stomach dropped.

He was kissing Angela?

I felt relieved, because if what he said was true, then I could break up with her since she technically cheated on me.

But, I didn't do that.

I needed to stay with her so no one knew that I was gay.

"Bullshit. She told me she loved me!" I roared.

"So did I!" he replied. I needed to say something quickly.

"Do you know the difference between you two though?" I questioned. Pony diverted his eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"I told her that I loved her!" I shrieked. I saw Ponyboy's face drop. He stormed out.

-

I knew I hurt Ponyboy, but it was for the best.

Then he wouldn't be dragged down by me.

Currently, I sat in my hospital bed, all by myself. I felt terrible about what I said to him, but it was too late.

He probably hated me.

I needed to fix everything.