Kabanata 11

"Say hi to the camera, Giovanni!"

Mariel uttered while pointing the camera in Gio's direction. The man just lazily rolled his eyeballs and successfully ignored Mariel's words. Nagpatuloy sya sa pagsipsip sa buko juice na hawak habang may tinititigan pa rin sa malayo.

"Why do you keep on looking at her? Hindi naman 'yan malulunod!" Charlie's playful voice joined the conversation.

"He's scared na baka may ibang makakuha sa atensyon ni Vicky."

Sabay na nagtawanan ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sa sinabi ni Carille. Nakita ko rin kung papaano ngumisi si Charlie habang tinutukso si Gio. He's also pointing someone in the background while Gio was busy sipping on his buko, totally uninterested.

"Look, someone's approaching her." tudyo ni Chadler.

"Baka nakikipag kilala." Carille said while trying to tie her hair in a messy bun. Kumuha rin sya ng tinapay at dinampot ang palaman.

"They look good together, diba Giovanni?" Mariel said behind the camera.

Umiling lang si Gio habang tinutudyo pa rin ng mga kaibigan. Dumami rin ang boses sa Instagram live na pinapanood ko. They're all teasing Giovanni who seem bothered with the sudden appearance of an unfamiliar person who's trying to start a conversation with Vicky.

"She's uncomfortable." Giovanni abruptly complained and stood up, ready to defend Vicky.

"No! She's fine. You're the only one uncomfortable with the situation!"

"Ano 'yan?"

Ini-off ko ang sariling cellphone nang marinig ang tanong ni Courtney. Hindi ko halos namalayan na kanina pa pala ito sa likuran ko. I was busy looking at Mariel's Instagram live and forgot about my sister's presence.

Sinilid ko nalang ang phone sa bulsa ng suot at saka umayos ng tayo. Tinignan ko muna ang mapang-usisang kapatid na nagtatanong kasunod si Kennedy na nakahiga pa rin sa kama.

"Wala. May tinitignan lang ako." I answered while approaching Kennedy's bed.

Masyadong marami ang dumadaan sa isipan ko matapos ang tawag kagabi. Tuluyan kong napagtanto na wala talagang mangyayari kung mag mu-mukmok lang ako sa apartment at umiyak magdamag.

I can't change the fact that Vicky and Giovanni were together last night. At kung didibdibin ko ang lahat ay may posibilidad na baka wala nang matira saakin.

Hindi ko dapat inuuna ang mga bagay na patungkol saakin. I need to focus on Kennedy right now. Wala akong panahon para unahin ang sariling pasakit.

I am hurting, something that is given for liking someone who is impossible to be mine. Wala rin naman akong pag-asa kahit saan titignan. The thought of Gio and I will only disgust the people around us.

Inayos ko nalang ang pagkakalagay ng kumot nya at saka napiling maupo sa gilid nito. I've been here for a while. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung bakit nandidito si Courtney.

I know she's busy. Mas pinili ko nalang na maging masaya na nandito sya kaysa sa mag reklamo sa presensya nya na sinusubok ako.

"You're looking at your friend's pictures." she said knowingly, flexing the vile sarcasm in her words.

Hindi ko na ito pinatulan pa at saka hinawakan ang kamay ni Kennedy. She didn't wake up yet. Nag hi-hilom na rin ang mga sugat na nasa katawan nya. But I wasn't fully happy either. Mas gagaan ang pakiramdam ko kung magigising sya.

"Ano? Pinagsisihan mo ba na hindi sumama sa kanila? You're stuck here with your beaten little sister. Taking good care of her like a responsible brother." she strike again sarcastically.

Matalim ko syang tinignan. She's now holding the apple I bought earlier. Kumagat pa sya doon at mapanuya akong nginitian.

"What's your point, Courtney?" I calmly asked. Mas lalong lumaki ang ngisi ng kapatid ko dahil sa pagpatol ko sa sinasabi nya.

"Naka plano na lahat ng gagawin nyo para ngayong semestral break, diba?" she nudge.

"I don't know what you're saying."

I heard her smirking. Hindi ko nalang iyon pinansin. I started walking towards the remote but Courtney decided to verbally hammered me. Napatigil ako sa pagdampot sa remote dahil sa sinabi nya na hindi ko inaasahan. Mas lalong tumalim ang mga mata ko.

"You're stuck here because of Kennedy's stupidness. Kung hindi sana tanga 'yang babaeng 'yan, edi sana nasa malayo ka na at kasama ang mga kaibigan mo. Malayo saamin. Kina Mama at Papa."

I clenched my jaw. Masyadong magaling si Courtney sa ganitong bagay. She's really good at getting into someone else's nerves. I am already aware of that. Pero pagod na akong makinig sa mga masasamang patutsada nya patungkol kay Kenny o saakin. 

"Pwede ba tigilan mo na 'yang paninisi mo kay Kenny, Courtney? Hindi pa ba sapat ang nangyari sakanya ngayon?" I responded blankly.

"Bakit parang kasalanan ko pa lahat? It's her fault why she's in that situation. It's the product of her rebellion. Her karma for disrespecting our parents!"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at tuluyan itong hinarap. I stared at her eyes, trying to find the small regret for what she said. Pero wala akong nakita. Puro paninisi ang nakita ko roon. She's very ready to start a war.

"Hindi mag re-rebelde si Kennedy kung wala silang ginawa. She made a mistake long time ago, but Mama didn't fully forgave her." I pointed out in my matter of fact voice.

Tumaas lang ang kilay nya dahil sa punto na sinabi ko. But she's like our mother. She'll only listen to whatever she wanted to hear. Hindi sya makikinig kahit na sya magiging mali sa huli. She'll try and try, trying to prove her superiority.

Ikaw nalang rin mismo ang mapapagod na makipagtalo dahil hindi talaga ito magpapatalo. She'll rub on your face how her words and opinion matter by pointing out her superiority as the older daughter.

"You fail to spare her imperfection. Palagi nyong iniisip na wala na syang ibang magagawang tama. Na puro nalang kamalian ang kaya nyang gawin." I continued.

She took one step forward and glared at me. Hindi ako nagpatinag at matapang rin itong tinitigan.

"Kasi totoo naman talagang wala na syang ibang ginawang tama! Kung sana inuna nya ang pag-aaral kaysa kamutin ang sariling kakatihan, edi sana wala tayo sa ganitong pangyayari!"

Mas lalong kumulo ang dugo ko dahil doon. She's right all along. May mali rin naman si Kennedy pero sana naman ay huwag nya muna itong unahin ngayon. Our sister is still lying in the hospital bed, unconscious.

Tapos nakukuha pa nitong sisihin si Kennedy sa sitwasyong hindi nya rin ginustong mangyari.

"Wag kang magmalinis, Courtney. We all know who's dirtier here. Kaya huwag mo nang palakihin pa ang gulong 'to!"

Natigilan sya sa sinabi ko. Courtney nodded her head. Tinapon nya rin sa direksyon ko ang mansanas na hawak. Tumama ito sa dibdib ko bago nahulog sa sahig at gumulong pabalik sakanya.

"Ah, so gusto mong mag-ungkatan rito? Sige. If that's what you want then let's talk about our dirty secrets here! Akala mo naman kung sino ka ring santo!" she said in her cold tune, she wasn't able to suppress her anger at all.

Kinakabahan man sa sinabi nya, ay hindi pa rin ako umatras. My heart started to beat faster after I heard her. After so many years of living under the same roof, I already knew when she's angry or in a bad mood just by the tone of her voice.

"A rebel, sinner, and a murderer. That's us. Kenny, You, and me. But I don't care if you think of me as a murderer. Wala akong pakialam. Your opinion about what happened doesn't matter. Your mere view doesn't weigh that much, Weasley."

"But you killed your child. You chose to end the possible life that was supposed to grow. Wala ka bang konsesya, Courtney?" I clearly saw how she flinched when I mentioned it.

"That thing isn't part of my plan. It was growing inside me, therefore, I have the right to kill it."

"Wala sa plano mo pero nangyari na. You killed your child just to impress and justify the huge expectations about you. Takot ka sa kahihiyang pwedeng maidulot ng buhay na nabuo nyo ng ex-boyfriend mo! You're a coward!" 

Sinugod nya ako dahil sa sinabi kong iyon. She pushed me causing for me to step back. Tumaas rin ang kamay nya at mabilis na dumapo sa braso ko. She's now resorting in violence. Something that seems natural inside our home.

"No! Kung may duwag man rito, ikaw iyon! You're disgusting! A gay hiding in a manly facade so you could sexually harrass your friends! Nakakadiri ka!"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil sa sinabi nyang iyon. I was totally taken aback even if I fully expected it coming from her mouth. My breathing was uneven.

"Do you think I'm that stupid not to realize how disgusting you turned into?" she smiled brightly, amazed with my sudden silence.

"It's far more better than what you did. You're a killer. You murder your unborn child!" I angrily uttered, indicating how sick her action went.

"So, inaamin mong bakla ka!?" she fired back, not focusing on the whole idea.

"You're the only one claiming that I am like that. Wala kang proweba para sabihin saakin ang bagay na iyan."

Ngumisi sya at nakipagtitigan saakin. Alam ko na kung ano ang isasagot nito saakin.

"Then I'll provide proof." she stopped just to breath, "Ano sa tingin mo ang sasabihin nina Mama at Papa, Weasley? You're the only son in our family. Pero ganyan ka. You're gay. Papa expect much from you. You're a disgrace in this family."

I chuckled. Umiling rin ako habang natatawa ng kaonti. She wasn't expecting this kind of reaction from me. Of course. They expect much from us. Their expectations were so high to the point that we failed to climb above it.

Wala silang pakialam kahit nag-aaway na kaming mga anak nila. Kami lang rin naman ang nagsasakitan dahil sa ekspektasyon na ipinataw nila saamin. And it is up to them who they'll side.

Pero base sa napansin ko sa palaging nangyayari, it's always been Courtney. Si Courtney ang pinapanigan nila habang kami naman palagi ang mali ni Kennedy.

"We failed to impress them. Ikaw rin naman, Courtney. Masyadong mataas ang ekspektasyon nila sayo kasi ikaw ang unang anak. But you failed. You overused your power over your siblings. You're verbally traumatizing your sister."

Tumigil ako at matapang itong nginisihan. Isang ngisi na alam kong susukat sa pasensya nya.

"We disappoint them long time ago. Kaya tigilan mo 'tong kahibangang 'to. Stop abusing us by using your power as the first child." I continued.

Umayos na ako ng tayo at saka nilapitan ang bag na dala ko. Dinampot ko ito at mabilis na nilapitan ang pintuan. I opened the door. Pero bago umalis ay nilingon ko muna ito.

"Masaya ka ba gayong sobrang layo na na 'tin sa isa't-isa?" I asked, looking at her straight into her eyes.

I'm already tired. I immediately gave up the argument and agreed with whatever she's saying by leaving the room. Sinubukan nya pa akong tawagin para pabalikin pero hindi na ako lumingon pa. I walked straight and found myself outside the hospital.

Wala ako sa sarili. Napagtanto ko nalang na tinawagan ko pala si Juanita. She's the only who'll listen to me right now. I don't care if she's up for something. Wala na akong pakialam sa kung ano mang masasamang mga bagay ang narinig ko patungkol sakanya.

"What's wrong, Weasley? Bakit ka nag-aya ng bilaang night out?" she asked while pouring a drink.

"I just wanted to relax. Hindi ka ba busy? I thought you're planning to go out with your friends." I blankly answered while sipping my drink off.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dinala ni Juanita. I just let her decide since she know lot of places where we could relax and enjoy. Mas gugustuhin ko nalang na malunod sa alak kaysa sa pagtuonan ang nangyari kanina.

If I'll be left alone, I'll be drowning by my own thoughts. The regret of talking back to Courtney will haunt me even in my sleep. Mas mabuti na may kasama ako.

Isa pa, ayaw kong disturuhin ang iba kong kaibigan. They left yesterday and they were probably enjoying the breeze of sea right now. Ayaw ko sirain ang kasiyahan nila dahil lang sa problema ko.

They also needed the break. My dramas are mine alone. And based on their photos I saw online, they're happy and chilling on the beach. Nandodoon rin si Giovanni kasama si Vicky.

I didn't know that they invited her. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay sya ang naging kapalit sa presensya kong nawala doon.

Wala naman silang kailangang ipaliwanag saakin. Ako lang ang may mali para isipin na hindi iyon maayos.

Binalikan ko nalang si Juanita nang marinig syang tumatawa. Nakatukod na ang isang siko nya sa sofa habang nakatitig saakin.

"You're here trying to relax while your sister is unconscious in the hospital. Isn't it ironic?"

"W-What?" I asked, totally taken aback.

Nawalan ng kulay ang mukha dahil sa sinabi ni Juanita. Napakagat ako ng pang-ibabang labi. I could feel my hands trembling a little. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sakanya.

She's now slapping me with the reason why I shouldn't be here inside the bar, helplessly trying to get wasted while my sister is still inside the hospital.

Napalunok ako dahil doon. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko ngayon. I'm planning to get wasted, totally discarding my responsibility as Kennedy's brother. Wala akong kwentang kapatid.

"I'm only kidding around. You probably deserve this. Palagi kang nasa tabi ng kapatid mo." she firmly said while laughing a little. She really find this amusing.

"Did I offend you?" Juanita asked again while looking at me.

I shook my head and averted my eyes off her. Nanginginig pa rin ang kalamnan ko dahil sa sinabi nya. Hindi naman pinansin ng babae ang halatang kaba ko at mas pinili na tudyuin ako patungkol doon.

"C'mon, I'm just playing around. 'Wag ka ng magalit." she cooed while laughing.

I was confused but I just remained smiling, totally scared with the thing she's capable to strike. I wasn't able to calm myself for the past five minutes. At nang maayos ko na ang sarili ay huminga nalang ako ng malalim.

I needed to distract myself. Kahit ngayong gabi lang. I decided to forget Juanita's words. Kailan kong makalimot kahit isang araw lang.

Nilibot ko nalang ang mga mata nang nanumbalik na ang kalmado kong isip. Marami akong nakikitang tao sa loob ng bar. It wasn't my first time but I've never been here before. Kadalasan ay mayayaman lamang ang nakakapasok rito. And Juanita happened to be one.

"Why are you silent?" tanong ko nalang kay Juanita nang hindi ko na ito narinig na magsalita. Pinipilit ko pa rin ang boses na magtunog masaya.

She's always enthusiastic everytime I saw her. Pero ngayon ay tahimik ito habang nakaupo sa tabi ko.

"Ganoon ba ako ka predictable para malaman kaagad if I have a problem or not?" she giggled in a strange way.

Tumango nalang ako kasi totoo naman iyon. Palagi itong maingay at palaging nag sasalita. She's the type that won't shut their mouth and create another topic to prolong the conversation.

"You're mean, alam mo 'yun?" she giggled again, slowly facing her body to me, "Well, I discovered how my friends talked about me behind my back. Hindi ko lang inaasahan na ganoon pala ang turing nila saakin. I was flabbergasted." 

Tinaas nya ang kamay sa ere. Tumaas rin ang tono ng pananalita nya. A thing that is noticeable to someone like her.

"You can't control their opinion about—" she cut me off by hushing me.

"Of course, I know that. Pero hindi ba dapat maging masaya sila? I always treat them better, pay for our bills when we're out partying. I even took good care of them." she said. I stared at my drink and nodded my head.

"They're treating you like an ATM machine. Hindi dapat ikaw ang magbayad sa mga pagkain na kayong lahat ang kumain. You could have divided the bills."

I saw her shrugging her shoulders, "It's always been like that. Pero wala na akong pakialam sa kanila. I don't want to hang out with them either. Our friendship has run-out its course."

Juanita's voice is uninterested. Binalikan nya rin ang iniinom. Tumahimik nalang ako dahil sa bagay na narinig sakanya. Her definition of friendship is so uncertain. Kung sabagay, magkaiba naman kami ng mundo. Maybe it's like that in their levels.

"So," she said, emphasizing the 'o', "From now on, you'll be my drinking partner. Ayaw ko nang makasama ang mga taong iyon kapag lalabas. Your presence is so comforting."

"Hm, okay." I answered with boredom and started drinking my beer again.

Hindi ko na namalayan na masyado na palang lumalalim ang gabi. I just realized how drunk I was when my view started tilting left and right. Napahawak ako lamesa nang tuluyan kong maramdaman ang kalasingan.

Juanita is still right beside me, drinking her nth drink with a small smile creeping on her lips. Nginitian ko rin ito. I squinted my eyes and started pointing hee direction.

"Hindi ka pa ba nalalasing?" I asked with a goofy smile even if there's nothing funny about it.

"Bakit? Do you have any plans with me if malalasing ako?" she asked back while playing with her hair.

I hummed my no while slowly closing my eyes close. Natatawa kong inihilig ang katawan sa lamesa at doon inisubsob ang mukha. I really like the feeling of alcohol in my system. Wala na akong ibang nararamdaman kundi ang pagkahilo na may bahid ng kaonting kasiyahan.

"Should we head home? You're already drunk. Halika na." she spoke, excitement is visible on her voice.

Naramdaman ko rin ang hawak nya sa braso ko, trying to make me stand. Inilingan ko lang ito at mahinang hinila ang braso pabalik. Tumawa rin sya at naupo ulit.

"It's already late. Lasing na lasing ka na. Just sleep in my condo." she whispered while slightly leaning on my direction.

"No. Dito muna tayo. Let's enjoy the night." I mumbled back.

Wala na ako halos lakas para ibuka pa ang mga mata. I just heard her laughing a little as if she's enjoying my answer. Mas lalo nyang inidikit ang katawan saakin. I felt her hand playfully tracing my right thigh.

"Do you really want to enjoy the night, Weasley? I know something fun." she whispered again, but now in a seductive way. Halos tumayo na ang balahibo ko sa leeg nang tumama ang hininga nya sa tenga ko.

"Fun?" I asked while opening my eyes, trying to see her reaction. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at inihilig ang katawan sa kinauupuan.

Hindi rin naman sya naging mabagal at saka sanay na sanay na sinundan ang naging pwesto ko. She nodded her head, slightly biting her lower lip. It was a bad idea readjusting my position since she took it as an opportunity to lean on me again.

Halos manlaki ang namumungay kong mga mata nang maramdaman ko ang kamay nyang pumapaitaas sa hita ko. Iniling ko ang sariling ulo para hindian ito. I tried avoiding her by grabbing my phone.

It's already one in the morning according to my phone. Nanlalabo na rin ang mga mata ko dahil sa kalasingan.

"You know what, Juanita, why don't we head home now?" saad ko sabay pakita sa screen ng cellphone ko, "Ala una na. Masyado na tayong lasing."

"Hm, fine." she smiled sweetly at me. I nodded to that but I cannot help but to get worried for the both of us. Masyado na kaming lasing dalawa.

I pondered for a good while before concluding to push that thought at the back of my mind. Alam ko naman na hindi ako pababayaan ni Juanita. She got her driver.

Pero mali pala ako nang mga panahong iyon. I shouldn't have invited that woman to drink over the night. Hindi ko na sana ito inimbitahan pa sa buhay ko kagaya ng sabi ng iba. I just gave her the opportunity to trap me into something that I couldn't get off so easily.