( CHAPTER ONE ! )

(  NATURE OR NURTURE )

☀️

     It was not like Andre to become furious or disrespect his parents or act out- or maybe, those were all ideas planted into his head by his parents to begin with. How did you know the difference between the part that was truly yours and the part that was shaped by your parents? Being a kid was easy where almost every idea you had technically belonged to the people who raised you, until things got complicated when you grew up and started forming your own. Most teenagers thought that they were finally themselves with their unique thoughts, free to build their own sense of identity.

Were you ever able to get rid of the influence of your upbringing though?

Was Andre a genuinly calm and obedient person who avoided conflict at all costs? Was he really not capable of getting angry? According to the statistics and past events, yes he was. If he asked his parents, they would tell you that their boy had never disrespected them in their lives.

Was that person really him or was that what he believed in because he had heard it too many times?

So, he didn't now, maybe anger was just the right emotion for him and he had been too focused on pleasing everybody that he had lost it somewhere along the way.

Essentially, it all started at the end of his fifth year (or again, maybe he had been just waiting for the right moment to burst) where he wanted one thing- one single thing from his parents: to invite some of his friends over for a week or so in the summer. Simple, right? Apparently not.

Instead of a proper answer, he was met with a list of people that were not allowed into their house and fucking brilliant, that left like only one friend and he could not invite a single one if he wasn't able to invite them all.

He had raised his voice for the first time against his mother and the woman had lost it. In all honesty, Andre could understand her confusion because he hadn't thrown a fit when he learned his dad was cheating on his mom, he hadn't even commented on the fact that they were sleeping in different rooms, he hadn't yelled at them when they shipped the house elf, Wooby, that had been by his side since he was a child for being too old (he had just cried for days at night for days)-

You got the point. He had been the perfect child, the only child, the dream kid. He was in Slytherin, he was pretty decent in his classes and a decent Quidditch player, he did not get into trouble or threw fits. It wasn't like him, everybody could tell you that. He had been a lonely kid all his childhood, usually playing by himself, trapped in his own world and his parents had went 'what a great kid! He doesn' t even speak much'. Ugh, anyways, he had some pent up feelings, long in short.

There was this one thing he was not perfect in the eyes of his parents though. He did not know how to pick his friends. Which ment, some of his friends was not rich purebloods that were in Slytherin.

They kind of tolareted Emily because she came from a pureblood family, she was in Gryffindor but they could tolarete that. Hence the only friend he was allowed to invite.

His closest friend Joshua, was in Slytherin but he was a muggle born, which was the worst house guest his mother could imagine (and she liked those stinky Malfoys, yikes!). His other friend Tyler was in Hufflepuff and his parents were relatively poor since one of his grandfathers was disowned by a pureblood family for being a squib. So, Tyler was out for several different reasons. Just brilliant.

Andre was a good child to his parents, he didn't ask for much and he was respectful and he went to their family dinners and he pretened to like the Malfoys and some of his insufferable cpusins. He just wanted one thing from them and that was, apparently, impossible.

He had to write to Tyler and Joshua, apologizing countless times that summer. He refused to go to big events with his parents and locked himself in his room which was his usual move to deal with things anyway. His parents liked it, at least he was not chewing their ears off and instead, he had listened to angsty muggle music in his room which was slightly irritating but bearable.

Listening to angsty music had a strange effect on Andre, it worked like a spellwork or a chemical reaction in his veins; something burning in his guts and taking a hold of his being. Maybe it was anger, that thing he was not suppose to feel. Too bad, he had brought some of the venom with himself into his sixth year.

"This is it. I'm done with their nonesense. I will take a stance this year!"

Joshua continued to eat his chicken, he looked tired due to the train ride of the first day of school and he looked unimpressed by his friend's ramblings. "Andre, my dear. I hear this more and more every year but notice this, every year. I'm sorry but we both know you care too much to break their hearts so quit it, will you?"

Andre loved and hated how bruttally honest Joshua Smith was, so he ignored some of his critisim some time to time because he didn't want to hear it. "Yes, I will quit it! I will quit Quidditch this year, that'll send a message."

"How will that help, exactly..?"

"I will fail some of my classes!" He exclaimed and Joshua raised a brow. Which was the only thing needed to be done for Andre to crumble. "Okay, I can't do that, I will get stressed out," Andre sighed, slumping in his chair with defeat tainting his thoughts.

The intensity of his anger was dying down a bit, a chocking feeling of hopelessness taking a hold of him instead. Rebelling was not his forte, right? His leg started tapping rhythmically, simultaniously worrying on his bottom lip. His best friend was quick to pick up on the signs of distress and Joshua sighed, dropping his fork on the table and placing his hand on Andre's. "Listen, sweetcheeks. Its a miracle you are a decent human being compared to rest of your family. I mean, you were clueless about the struggles of the real world until you met me but you're doing a pretty okay job at not acting like a spoiled brat anymore. Which, I know that deep down you are still a bit like that, rich and an entitled only child-"

"Is there a point to this or?" Andre said, narrowing his eyes.

Joshua smirked. "Yes, okay. What I mean is that, you defended us against your parents which took you years to do so, but you did it. Take the victory and try to grow from this."

Andre was not able to tell if it was a backhanded insult or a strange way to compliment him. Regardless, he was slightly annoyed by his friend's wisdom and cynism, he pouted a little. "I wish Emily and Tyler were here, they would've been a bit more bloody supportive than you."

Joshua picked up his fork once again and continued to eat (he was rather small, where did all the food go?) and he nodded. "I wish we could sit in the same table without getting weird looks, " Joshua said with a quiter tone.

At that moment, Andre was struck with an idea, it was so brilliant that he wondered, did I plan this before or did I just come up with it on the spot? His face lit up, eyes widened and he was taken over by the newly found enthusiasm.

"You're right! And I'm going to do something about it."

"Excuse me, what the hell?"

"Ah! You're a gem, Joshua Smith. Marvelous," Andre stated, jumped to his feet and kissed the top of Joshua's head and ignored the weird looks people gave him on the table. "I've to tell Tyler. He will love this. Thank you."

"Andre, what in the name of-"

He couldn't even listen as he left the Slytherin table to find Tyler at his own House's table yet it was not an easy task. People were leaving the hall since it was towards the end of the meal, first years were led by Heads of each house and it was near damn impossible to spot Tyler in this mess.

Andre had a more difficult time since he had to apologize to every single person he was bumping into and he had to change his course when he spotted his cousin. He was not in the mood for listening to his ramblings and teasing.

Well, this year was going to be different than the others and Andre hoped that he could tackle problems head on instead of running away like he usually did. For that day, his older cousin had to wait though. One problem and one rebellious act at a time.

His lips stretched into a wide smile as he spotted Tyler. Just as he was about to leave the hall and Andre sped up, basically pushing first years aside and fair enough, they were kind of too small and it was easy to push them around. It felt like it took years to reach him but he did, grabbing the boy by his arm and pulling Tyler next to him.

"What are you-"

"I have a spectacular idea, you'll love it!"

Tyler looked a little helpless as he stared at Andre's wide eyes and bright smile, he sighed. "Okay, but If I'm late for bed, I will end friendship," he said shaking his index finger in front of his face.

They found a quiete place in the garden and sat on the ground, since, Andre was able to sneak into Hufflepuff's common room from some time to time but there were always snitches and people were not that fond of the golden Slytherin boy so it was only for emergencies. He hated that he could not spend the night with all of his friends, he hated that sometimes he saw Tyler only in the classes they had together intead of spending proper time.

That was the initial problem, wasn't it? No one should be able to tell him when or where he could spend time with his friends, not his parents and not even the school.

"We're going to start a club."

"Okay," Tyler said, shaking his head slowly. "I'll take notes."

And that, was the reason why Tyler was his first choice to ran to when he needed to understand and organize his own thoughts.

☀️

     Joshua had bought Andre a simple notebook, no magic and nothing speacial, for his thirteenth birthday, at their first year as roommates. Well, it was not special for a muggle but seeing it through Andre's eyes was a different thing because he treated the notebook the way a muggle would treat something magical.

He was not familiar with ordinary pens of muggles and his parents were not the type to write something that was not a necessity. That notebook was a whole new concept and Andre had been making the best of it.

He even had a name for it, The Things I Could Not Say- and no, it was not a diary.

Andre did not wrote about how his day went. Many people used a journal like that to keep a track of the memories they had made, maybe they wrote about a party they went with their friends or they wrote about their heartbreaks in detail to blow off some steam. All in all, diaries were usually about events and how those events made the writer feel, Andre guessed that people wrote those to look back on and remember the person they once was. Because feelings were unique for everyone- it did not just differ from a person to person but feelings evolved with experience as well.

His journal was slightly more than that.

You see, being an obedient child, being a people pleaser (as the way Joshua called it) had it's ups and dows. Andre liked being on the goodside of people, he liked making people smile or at least, he found comfort in not having disagreements with people. That meant that sometimes, he had to bite his tongue and swallow his words (and thus, feelings), a lot of things went unsaid for Andre Harding on a daily basis.

So he wrote the things he couldn't say, he wrote little bits that he felt but he was unable to express.

Sometimes he went through the old pages and checked if he was able to tell those things later on but usually, those words never came to life, they were never voiced.

Your eyes are so soft, he had wrote for the first boy he had ever liked and kept quite about. I want to hold your hand.

I wish you would get angry, he had wrote for his father, who never even seemed interested in arguing- he also never looked interested enough in anything to do with Andre, it was always his mother that told him off, it was always her that he would have to go against if he was brave enough. His father usually just watched.

He wrote to his parents, his friends, total strangers and his crushes.

Until I met you, I thought Herbology was the most boring thing on earth.

You smiled and I forgot about my crush on James Dean for a moment.

I wish I would've defended you but I'm weak.

I hate that you think you're being helpful.

You looked away when I walked by and I just wanted to cry.

Sentences after sentences, it seemed endless. Sometimes some of those words sounded funny and pathetic and he could look back on them and smile. Sometimes it pained him that there were too many things that left unsaid on a daily basis. (And he wondered, is it just me or does everyone hide a part of themselves?)

That they, he did something different though.

He wrote something ment just for himself, as a promise to himself and to remember.

This year I will change something.

Andre had been used to just letting himself move with the current, never going against the unstoppable stream of the majority. This year, he would swim against the flow and for once, he wouldn't stay in the shadows.

(He just hoped that this was not going to be like the time he promised himself to write poetry. Oh, well.)

☀️

AUTHOR'S NOTE

(barely edited bc i hate doing editting... sorry? i think i will upload every friday for sure and another chapter on wednesday if i can write fast! so next update on friday will be a brand new chapter xx)

this took forever to write because i love this idea so much and everything felt wrong as a first chapter but here we are!! writing andre is so much fun, i hope you'll like him as well <3

let me know what you think and thanks to everyone who had been enthusiastic about this book, it means so much to me

also, a big thank you to skatekitchen for being so supportive & kind and i'm currently obsessed with her books its just natural for me to gush about her existence!!