Review: Shattered Crowns

Reviewer: Rowan (RowanCarver)

Client: Eliza-lou

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➳ Showcase (Title/Cover/Blurb) 4/ 5

I do really love your cover. There's nothing for me to complain about here.

Jane Forester's life crumbles when a cataclysmic attack leaves thousands dead, and her Northern Region without an Alpha. With her region's safety in the balance, she sets off to avenge the home she holds dear. But, as dark secrets begin to unfold, Jane realizes that the answers she's looking for, could come at a cost...

The Crown of the Alpha is not just a responsibility, it's a target.

One that could get her killed.

A good blurb "starts with a hook, introduces your protagonist, and explains what they want and what conflict is standing in their way. It hints at the stakes in the final battle. And it should aim to be 150-300 words."

Your blurb does a great job of introducing your protagonist and tells me what she wants. It raises the stakes and addresses the inciting event. I feel as if the ellipses at the end of "could come at a cost..." is not necessary.

You could redo it so that it starts with your hook, however, I think placing it at the end there is fine though. It's quite gripping "the Crown of the Alpha is not just a responsibility, it's a target..."

It's focused on the protagonist and the main conflict and it contains the hook. It's in excellent shape. If you want to restructure it to follow those guidelines you can, but it's not necessary, I just wanted to share that with you for future consideration.

Source: Outlining Your Novel by KM Weiland

➳ Premise and Hook 5/ 10

I do not like werewolf novels but I did enjoy this one.

A young girl lives with her parents and trains as a young werewolf shifter. Her father is elected Alpha of the pack. His inauguration is sabotaged in a horrific way by enemy wolves, namely, a gray one, and the story continues from there (what is currently uploaded only goes through the inciting event).

We have a prologue and a first chapter. That means we should have two separate hooks.

Prologues exist to give a perspective that cannot be given by the main characters starting in the first chapter. That's why it should have a separate hook that concerns a bigger, "umbrella plot."

As exciting as that prologue was, there wasn't really a hook to be found. The same could be said for the first chapter.

This is something I would consider adding when you return to edit these opening chapters. However, it is not necessary right now. A lot of authors (including me) either write "stand in hooks" for the meantime or skip the hooks altogether until the draft of the manuscript is completed, because sometimes it takes that long to figure out the full scope of your themes and character development (especially if you're a bit of a pantser), and it takes getting to the end to properly craft the kind of hook you need for your story. Sometimes you need to complete the "big picture" first so that when you do go back and add your hook to the opening chapters, it properly foreshadows your thematic elements that hit later on in the story, and even addresses your protagonist's arc.

A hook does two things

It causes the reader to ask a question that they wish to know more about

It sets up a controversial statement that they may or may not agree with.

If you do choose to return to these opening chapters and figure out a hook, these are good guidelines to remember.

Source: On Writing and Worldbuilding by Timothy Hickson

➳ Exposition 7/ 10

Exposition is the "contextual information required to understand the story." What I'm looking for here are info dumps, "show v tell," and generally how you weave your context into the narrative.

In the first chapter there are two paragraphs that steal away from the current scene. It feels as if someone paused the movie to explain what was going on. We find our characters walking through their home and we are seeing the landscape through their eyes, which is great, until everything pauses to give some history.

Our family had visited the Southern Region and took trips...

At the back of our training ring was a pong

A giant boulder marked the halfway point of the mile walk our narrative continues here.

I would urge you to reconsider the placement of the information in those info-dump paragraphs. Perhaps they can bring it up in conversation. Perhaps there's another way to show that the family had visited the "Southern Region." To me, this information wasn't that important for the storyline or world building particularly, so I almost wonder if it could be cut, unless it's absolutely foreshadowing something I cannot pick up on which with the way it's structured, it seems unlikely.

Other than that, your exposition was fine. A few telling sections like the one I pointed out but I think I marked them in your comments.

Source: The Screen Writer's Bible David Trotier

➳ Plot 18/ 20

This story sets up the three-act-structure nicely. I'm not sure if that was intentional on the author's part. If they carry the three-act structure throughout, they are looking at crafting a well-written and organized work.

You do not have to follow the three-act structure. I like the methods John Truby suggests, how his method is to allow a "story to write itself organically." However, I think for what you are trying to do here, and for how you've written it so far, the three-act structure is the way to go.

Our prologue teases a very interesting and unexplained scenario, where an enemy wolf attacks a so-far unidentified character, ending with a very chilling message: kill. The inciting event brings back what this prologue alluded to, however, it doesn't completely explain it yet. I like that. It's good to hold back information from the reader, as long as you aren't making them work too hard to find it.

The first few chapters follow our main character, Jane, through training with her father as a young wolf. The opening chapters explore the subtle world building, which is wellhandled by the way and well thought out, however, we'll talk about that in a second. After Jane trains with him and the reader comes to terms with the magic system and mechanics, she goes home to her mother. There is a pack meeting where a new Alpha is elected, and Jane is pleasantly surprised to find out that its her father. She eagerly prepares for his...induction? Inauguration? A year after he is elected.

On the night of his induction, during the ceremony, an terrifying gray wolf attacks. The inciting event happens in the third chapter, which isn't recommended as some critics suggest that the inciting event happens at the ending of the first. However, for this story, I think its completely fine.

I think a little less time could be spent talking about everyone's clothing and the preparations for the inauguration. Perhaps the second and third chapter could be combined. There were times where large descriptive paragraphs (especially ones describing...clothing...which happened a lot) did not seem important to the plot. My advice is to return to these chapters and ask yourself, "okay if I'm going to wait until the third chapter to give the inciting event, then everything leading up to the third chapter needs to build tension in the anticipation of that event. Does every single sentence, every single paragraph, serve that purpose, or does it serve an important part of exposition?" A lot of it does. But some paragraphs do not. They describe characters "getting ready" for certain ceremonial events in ways that are simply not needed and it detracts from the increase of tension that could be given instead. You can put your inciting incident in the third chapter. That's fine. But you have to make sure that everything that happens previously has to do with preparing for that incident.

Paragraphs like this one

I plopped down next to mom and realized just how much my feet hurt.

I felt were unnecessary.

But paragraphs like this one

I watched with a cheesy grin as Mom's shoulders relaxed...

While it doesn't necessarily serve to push the plot forward in anticipation of the "event," it is really important for character development ("Deep dowm, I was a hopeless romantic"), and a bit of theme building with "Another gift of having a mate - they're your anchor." But the paragraphs that just described clothing. The ones that spent several sentences just describing characters moving around (I plopped down...) the long paragraphs that provide telling sections about the world As the Alpha family, we, along with the Alpha's Council, were the only people to see them frequently without their masks on...) I felt could be either omitted, because they detract from the plot and the tension leading up to the inciting act in chapter three.

But these are just nitpicks. The plot is easy to follow. I believe that this is arguably the first 12% of your story and the best place to put that inciting event, a bit late putting it in the third chapter, but if you make sure every single paragraph leading up to it justifies its later placement, then its completely fine.

It's a game of "does every single word, every single paragraph, every single sentence, serve the plot. And if it doesn't, does it serve the exposition, world building, or setting in a way that's justifies the fact that it doesn't need to be cut out."

However, you don't need to play that game for a first draft. For drafting, shovel sand as much as you want. That's what drafting is for. It's okay to shovel sand...sometimes that's what it takes to figure out what you need and to develop everything. Also to practice. You can go back and tighten everything up/eliminate unnecessary things later.

Hell, I've been shoveling sand this whole fucking time.

Sources: On Writing and World Building by Tim Hickson (Part III The Exposition Problem, Part II The First chapter)

The Anatomy of Story John Truby (1. Space, Story, Time)

➳ Character Development 18/ 20

I very much loved your characters in this story. You did a fantastic job of making them compelling enough to pull off your inciting event. This story has a plot point with a Land Before Time level of gut-punching sadness. And it all lends itself to the way the author handles the relationship between her characters.

I want to note that I didn't know Jane's gender until half way through the first chapter and fuck am I a big fan of that.

Jane is determined. I loved watching her train. She cares very very much about her place as a werewolf and understands that she has a responsibility to grow into.

Jane's father is just...amazing. He's really kind and supportive. Watching them train together at the beginning was really wonderful and a great way for me to understand their healthy dynamic.

Her mother is caring and eccentric. She loves her "mate" and their partnership is healthy as well.

I think the fact that the author designed this trio with such healthy relationships with one another is what made the inciting event work so well. This is what gave that third chapter so much power over the reader. It also put a sense of dread in my stomach while reading the opening two, because everything was just too perfect.

Fantastic set up for either a positive change "coming of age" arc, or even a devastating "corruption" or "fallen arc." I'd truly be curious to see where you take it.

I would highly, highly recommend you check out Creating Character Arcs workbook by K.M Weiland and consider taking your MC through a coming of age, corruption, or fallen arc using the guidelines there. If you already know what you're going to do don't worry about it, however, it might be a good idea to consider all three, and go through everything possible for your main character. With the way you've set up the inciting event, a corruption or fallen arc could be so unbelievably rare and compelling. A coming of age arc would be good too. But because of how you've set this up, I think it would be very off putting and off-beat, in a very good way, to watch her spiral. She could either become a very convincing hero that we can cheer on beginning to end. Or she could become an unforgettable villain.You can have a happy ending with this story however, it would be a bit cliche' and you're already dancing on that edge with the werewolf premise. But have you ever considered the ramifications of an ending that isn't a happy one? An arc with a devastating fall after a character has lost so much...there are so many stories out there about characters who undergo hardship and come back as a stronger, better person. But how convicting would it be if Jane...sort of...didn't? In a fantasy werewolf setting like this one, I think that would be quite fascinating. Disillusionment, fall, or corruption might be worth checking out.

But it's your story and your characters. Let them develop naturally. Write the version that you want to read.

➳ Worldbuilding & setting 14/ 15

I would like to take a second to commend the author's environmental world building.

A giant boulder marked the halfway point of the mile walk with the symbol of the Northern Region engraved near the top. It was a slender crown with intricately woven vines throughout its design, and it came to three lifted points on the left, center, and right. The crown rested between a set of symmetrical antlers. Mom and Dad engraved the boulder the day after they became mates and moved into our home. It was one of my favorite things about our place.

This paragraph does a couple of things. It provides world building by telling us a bit of their culture with the markings, and it shows us a bit of how the world is organized (Northern Region). It gives backstory about the MC's parents. And then it gives us characterization for the MC.

So much is accomplished here! And the author is using the environment to deliver this particular bit of exposition...in the story the two characters come across this boulder, and the author uses the MC's voice to deliver this piece of information, so the show v tell rule isn't breached.

A common piece of writing advice is to "communicate your exposition and world building through environmental descriptions" and the author does so very well here.

She also adds world building into people's clothing. Although, it is overdone at times, because every single time someone new enters, they go into describing their clothing extensively to the point that it distracts from the plot and at times, seems unnecessary, like I said when addressing plot earlier.

Loved the thought and history put into the ceremony, from the book to the "blood" to the family dynamic...I like how strong this theme of "family" is, not just in the characterization, but in the world building and society as well (society being the werewolf pack).

I like the magic system around the wolf's bane plant, by the way. I thought that was a nice touch. And I really like that it has consequences. Some authors can make "Mary Sue's" out of their own magic systems and items which can cause problems later down the line...kind of like the Elder Wand, which is a bit of a flaw in Harry Potter, it doesn't really have enough limitations, and in the end, made both Voldemort and Harry way too OP. Whereas the One Ring has actual consequences so it doesn't count as a "Mary Sue" item. Wolf's Bane could be a Mary Sue item, but because it damages the patient with higher doses, it functions very well as a magic system item.

Source: On Writing by Steven King

➳ Description & Style 4/5

The language is fairly plain, which is fine for this story. The descriptions aren't flashy and they aren't too impressive, but they don't have to be. Honestly, they shouldn't be. I don't think purple prose would serve this story well. And the author does a good job of avoiding that, her descriptions serve a purpose and they are mostly cut-and-dry. Which is good. We have work to do, we don't have time for elaborate Dungeon Master descriptions because we have a massive plot to tackle and some people to create.

Her straight, silver hair laid perfectly to her shoulders, with her bangs swept to the left of her face.

The author takes great care to detail their characters very specifically. That's where most the descriptive work is found.

I was hungry for some more descriptions of settings and environments...I had a hard time picturing the ceremony, to be honest. Something to consider adding during revisions.

➳ Dialogue 4/5

I do love the playfulness among the character's dialogue.

"Alright, you're gonna stay like this until you stop moping."

I pushed up on his arm as he dragged me around the ring. My poor and futile efforts to resist made him chuckle and I hated that I started to feel a tickle in my throat. "Okay! Okay!"

(suggestion: I hated that tickle in my throat).

My muffled voice made him laugh even harder. "Sorry, can't hear you!"

"Dad, I get it! I'll stop!"

The dialogue is playful and entertaining, humorous at times, and when it needs to be serious and/or devastating (like the third chapter), it is.

Sometimes you missed some action beats. I miss all of mine on purpose these days to piss this one reviewer off. Something to pay attention to when doing proof reads/clean ups.

➳ Grammar & delivery 4/5

Your grammar and delivery is strong!

I left a ton of line edit suggestions in your comments, so I don't feel the need to elaborate here.

Like most authors (including me) you have some filter words to eliminate.

Filter words "Are words that put distance between the character's experience and the reader. They are explanatory words that remove a reader from the action by describing a character's thought process or action in an explanatory way."

Filter words are not always illegal. Just like -ly adverbs. However, there is a science to them.

I found these two articles to be quite helpful concerning the use of filter words and adverbs.

However, you don't have to worry about your prose right now. If you're drafting, seriously, just leave it for later. Sometimes when you're in the macro phase, scrutinizing your own text is going to kill your creativity, leave you worn out, or discouraged. Save it for later and dive into the big stuff. Right now in your first draft, that's what's most important. Your text is quite readable so don't worry about it. And sometimes, hell, you need filter words and adverbs and shit to figure out your draft. Sometimes you almost need to write distant prose to just figure out what you're doing and set down the story. Sometimes a first draft is more of an outline.

➳ Overall Performance 9/10

Wonderful start! Great take of the werewolf trope. I like how this doesn't have anything to do with romance. It's all about family, destiny, loss, growing up, and responsibility. You've got the makings for a fantastic "coming of age" story here and I'm curious to see if that's the arc you will choose.

I think that this story, although it has strong world building elements, would benefit from continuing to be character focused and character driven. This story could be about this conflict against the mysterious "grey wolf." But I think it's all about Jane. So far everything that happens directly affects her. I think it should continue in this manner. Some books work well if they aren't character driven and are more world drive/society based/magic system/mechanics driven. The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury is a good example of this. While others, even though they take place in large fantasy worlds, benefit more from being character driven. Like the Shiver series by Maggie Stiefvater, which if you haven't read, might be a decent werewolf series to check out for reference. It's geared toward a YA audience like your story seems to be, and explores similar themes, and it's all centered on the MC and her development rather than the mechanics surrounding the werewolves and how their magic system works. However, I haven't read that book since I was like...fifteen, so it might not actually be good. I just remember it being the only werewolf book I liked. And now I have yours to take its place.

➳ Total 87/105

Thank you for letting me review your story. Feel free to request me again if you upload new projects or would like a similar analysis for later chapters.

See you, space cowboy