Reviewer: 08_Umm_Waraqah

Review: God Trials: Demeter

Client: infuation

🌻

Ø TITLE/COVER (3/5)

Your cover is beautiful, really. The gold and... cream? Theme works well for it. Though, I think you'd do better to use darker colours—I mean, it's fantasy. The problem I have is with the fonts. If I didn't know beforehand that your title was God Trials (Because it's written underneath your cover), I wouldn't have been able to make out the G and Trials in your title font—even then, I spent close to a minute trying to make sense of the letters. I'm not the best judge of covers, but I know for sure that font works against your book. No one wants to spend minutes trying to make out the title of your book, no matter how beautiful the cover itself is. The one word subtitle is also barely noticeable. I suggest you find clearer fonts for your title and a stronger one for the subtitle.

Your title is great. It's relevant to the story and to your genre. I'm not sure of its enthralling effect, though, and I guess this has to do with the somewhat light cover. If your cover were a tad darker, I think this title would work pretty well with it.

P.S I'm not an avid fantasy reader so you may want to seek the opinions of experienced (if this is the right word) fantasy readers on your cover.

Ø BLURB (2/5)

Your blurb is short. It begins with a gripping first line. It evokes interest (if not curiosity). There's information, only it's too little. There's a mention of a character who I suspect is the MC, only it's just a mention. Nothing is said about this character that makes readers want to learn more about him. No stakes. No motives. No personality traits or quirks. On second thoughts, your book deals with Greek mythology, right? So readers of that subgenre may know who Solstice is. For others like us, we have no idea. So you may want to add a few things about him to pique our interests.

There are a few grammatical errors in your blurb. This is a fixed version of your blurb below:

Who wants to become a god?

Everyone, that's who. So when the infamous heroes of Olympus start holding trials in hopes of finding a new champion, it's no surprise Solstice is first in line. (Here will be the appropriate place to add a few things about Solstice. One or two character traits that points to his motives. Or something about his current situation that tells us why he wants to be a god, or what he has to lose if he doesn't become one. You'll also notice that I changed the structure of this sentence. In the original, you missed a word—that—and it took away from the meaning of the sentence. So I added the missing word and reconstructed the whole thing).

Betrayals, secrets, dramas, and lies are abound between the contestants. But it all boils down to one question. (Another reconstructed part, because in your original, the sentence makes no sense and it felt like you jumped a crucial part and landed here.)

Does Solstice/any one of them have what it takes to be a god? (The underlined words are used instead of 'you' because I don't think you should address the readers directly in the blurb. Unless that'll be done in the book as well. You can choose between Solstice or 'any one of them' depending on who your book focuses on: the contestants or Solstice alone).

That's the best I can do to fix your blurb. It's not the best; there are some things that aren't in my power to add, like the personality thingy, for example. However, you're welcome to take my suggestions or leave them. They're only suggestions, after all.

Ø CHAPTER ONE. (7/8.3)

To be sincere, when I read your blurb, I didn't expect much from your book—story and writing style wise. All the more reason to fix the blurb, as it wouldn't be nice if, due to the blurb's shortcomings, your book is dismissed as mediocre. God Trials isn't mediocre, as you've proven in the first chapter. Your opening line is... not a bang, but it's far from falling flat either, and has just the right amount of... what's the word? Pizzazz? To hook the reader.

From there, you go on to give the readers a glimpse into the MC's relationship with their mother—somewhat complicated relationship, if I must add, and that's done in a captivating way, thanks to your writing style and word choice. With that little throwback, you've been able to establish your main character and their mother as round ones, and feed us information about the setting (world building, if you'd like) without choking us. Great job, there, and also with the description of Olympus, which is 👌🏿. Again, many thanks to your simple, yet alluring writing style.

The other characters, Cilo, Zeus, and his brothers (though, these ones are only paintings) are introduced and described impeccably. You do have a way with imagery, I'll give you that, and it's definitely working for you.

All in all, I think this first chapter is as great as first chapters can be, barring its grammatical and punctuation errors, which I'll deal with in the appropriate sections. The part where Zeus hints at people dying adds a page-turning effect to the chapter. And the last line, definitely a cliffhanger that'll make readers scroll to the next chapter. Great job.

GRAMMAR: You seem to have the same issue here as you do in your blurb. Omitted words and commas. I'll give a few examples.

Original: I having been close enough to the death fork to see my own reflection in its spears would know that it was not that shiny (Note: I probably read this sentence five times before I got it. At first, I thought you'd missed a word somewhere, then in my Eureka moment, I discovered you missed two commas).

Fixed: I, having been close enough to the death fork to see my own reflection in its spears, would knowit was not that shiny (I removed the first 'that' to tighten the sentence).

After skimming through this chapter once more, I've come to the conclusion that you probably do not like commas. Like them or not, though, you've got to use them when necessary.

Original: WhenIwas a childI remember begging her endlessly to describe... (You're setting off a sentence with the adverbial clause 'when I was a child', therefore, a comma needs to be after 'child').

Fixed: When I was a child, I remember...

Original: Itwasmore of afloatingpalacethan a mountain to be quite frank (You have an independent clause (...Mountain) and a phrase (to...). To avoid unnecessary confusion, place a comma after 'Mountain').

Fixed: It was more of a floating space than a mountain, to be...

There are several sentences like the above in this chapter. You'd do well to fix them.

PUNCTUATION: Unlike your word choice and writing style, you don't have your punctuation (In terms of dialogue and the issue with comma) locked down at all. Some of your dialogues aren't punctuated. The ones that are mostly not punctuated properly. Check Parting Shots section for tips on punctuating dialogue.

Oh, and you really need to spell 'Gods' as gods (or god, depending on the situation).

Need I say more about your description than I already have? No. Character and scene descriptions are near flawless.

ƊIALOGUES: I don't see a flaw in this section. You have dialogues that flow smoothly, inform, and don't bore the readers.

Ø CHAPTER TWO (4.3/8.3)

Solstice want so badly to rub her achievement (if her become a god) in her mother's face, and we aren't told anything about that in the blurb? Her mother is basically the reason she's contesting (this is the kind of info that should have made its way into the blurb. It would have compelled the reader to ask questions and in the quest for answers, most definitely push them to click on your book).

Now, to the chapter. It isn't as smooth as the one before. The dialogues left me confused. The writing style is also kinda subpar compared to the first chapter. Nothing much happens save for Solstice meeting the red-headed girl and the forward boy, which is enough if we add the crucial glimpse into Solstice view of her mother (with this, you did well in establishing, or at least, introducing Solstice motive for joining the competition). Well done. We're also able to note that Solstice doesn't like to be around people much, judging by her interaction with the red-headed girl, her relief at finding her room empty, and her dismay when the forward boy barges in.

And did Solstice pull off the door knob with her bare hands or did I misread?

Also, when I first read this chapter, I thought the reference to Athena probably meant she (Athena) was addressing Solstice and Solstice couldn't keep up because of the girl clutching her wrists. I reread now and have found out Solstice referred to Eden as Athena because of some semblance or something. If I have to read your chapters more than once to get the gists, then there's a problem. Again, maybe readers familiar with Greek mythology may understand the reference to Athena, but I don't, and a lot of other readers may not, too. I actually do not know what you can do fix that, except whenever you decide to edit, keep in mind that not all of your readers will know these seemingly popular names.

GRAMMAR: Here, there are a few awkward sentences, which surprises me kind of since your first chapter is almost totally free of them. I'll give examples below.

Original: Myeyestraileddown (her figure to her fingers) that were still tightly wrapped around my lower arm. (Note: the bracketed words contribute the most to the awkwardness of the sentence. Particularly, the two 'hers'.)

Fixed: Myeyestrailedherfigureto thefingers still tightly wrappedaround my lower arm. (I'm not even entirely sure TRAILED is the best fit for this sentence, but it's what it is...)

Original: I was (about) to follow Zeus who was (about) to lead us to our living quarters when I was slammed into by the little girl.

Fixed: I was about to follow Zeus who was leading us to our living quarters when the little girl slammed into me. (Tighter, less awkward, less words.)

Original: The girl's hands immediately let go of me as if my skin was suddenly burning hot.

Fixed: The girl immediately let go of me as if my skin was suddenly burning hot.

Fixed (2): The girl dropped my arm as if it had suddenly become hot.

Original: I jumped in the first open door I saw...

Fixed: I jumped into the first open room I saw...

Original: A knock on the door broke me out of my train of thought and I stood up to open the door. Just my luck the door didn't have a peephole I could look through before weighing my options, giving me the ultimatum of just opening it. (Too many 'door' in one paragraph. The 'ultimatum' thingy too is kinda weird.)

Fixed: A knock broke me out of my train of thought and I moved to the door. It had no peephole, just my luck, and that left me with no option but to open the door to know who stood behind it.

This chapter crawls with other sentences like the ones above. You'd do well to comb through the chapter, or find someone else to do so for you, find these sentences and fix them.

PUNCTUATION: Same as the last chapter. Also, you tend to spell gods as God's (the problem is with the apostrophe and the capital G). I'm sure you know how to use the apostrophe so I won't insult you by launching into a lecture on that here. You tend to quote words unnecessarily, too. For example: 'home' sweet home (chapter one). 'Best' room (chapter 2).

Though, I understand why you do that, I think it'd be better if you italicized these words instead.

Lastly, unless a dialogue ends with full stop, the dialogue tag doesn't begin with a capital letter (more on that in Parting Shots).

TENSES: I counted about three slip-ups in this section.

Original: Now to pray that it (stays) this way.

Fixed: Now to pray that it stayed this (or that) way.

Original: I wonder if (she's) noticed (I'm) gone.

Fixed: I wonder if she'd noticed I was gone.

DESCRIPTION: I was slightly disappointed here, to be honest. I expected more, considering your first chapter. While you describe the characters physical appearance and mannerisms well, the settings kinda got lost. I mean, the settings are described, but it's nothing like the imagery employed in the first chapter. There's one awkward description I'll point out below:

Humiliation creeps up her neck. (Note: I'm well aware this is a personification of some sort, but you really can't see humiliation creep up someone's neck. If it were the face, fine. But not the neck.)

Fixed: Humiliation reddened her neck.

Or: Humiliation made her neck the same colour as her hair.

I also think humiliation is too strong a word in this context. Why not use 'embarrassment' or something lighter.

ƊIALOGUES: The dialogue in this chapter can best be described as confusing. After Eden let go of Solstice, we're fed a dialogue between two people, and at first, I thought the two people were Solstice and the guy who saved her from Eden. I had to reread to get that it was between Eden and the guy. The confusion is largely due to the lack of dialogue tag.

I suggest you let us know immediately after the first dialogue that Eden is the one speaking. Like this:

"Do you think she thinks I'm weird?" the girl who called herself Eden asked.

"No."

Eden let out a sigh.

"I know she thinks you're weird," her guy friend replied.

A smack echoed throughout the hall. "Don't say that. You tripped me," Eden hissed.

And blah de blah like that.

The other dialogues are actually really nice and relatable. They also hint us on the personalities of Eden and Natha... something.

Ø CHAPTER THREE. (2/8.3)

When I read about the cotton candy-haired girl, I knew I was going to call you out on that. Why? Because I thought you were talking about Eden, and I knew cotton candy was more pink than red. It wasn't until I read further that I realised, after a few long seconds of confusion that you were referring to another girl.

This technique of starting a chapter in the middle of an action, then going back to explain how it all began, doesn't do much than confuse me, and by extension, some readers. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice technique, perhaps even needed at some point, but when you use it indiscriminately, it turns your writing style something else. You used it in Chapter two, too, that is why the Athena-Eden thing was confusing. You don't need it in this chapter, you could have as well begun from when Pollen came to knock, and the chapter would have been much better.

Asides that, the chapter is nice enough. The banter between the guy, Eden, and... Solstice is kinda cute, too. But there's such a drastic change in Eden, that it's hard to comprehend. I mean, she was basically mute in the second chapter with Nata... doing most of the talking. How come she's pulling Pollen in without Solstice's permission and being all extroverted here. According to Solstice, Eden and the guy moved in ten minutes before Pollen. It's a bit somehow Eden is so forward now. I would have expected that from the guy not her.

Like the last chapter, awkward sentences are many here as well. And, while I praised your word choice in the first chapter, the same won't be done here. You have the same issues with punctuation as the last chapter too. Note: If you want to italicize Solstice thoughts, do that and stick with it. You seem to be indecisive about italicizing or making them a part of the narrative.

Ø CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (4.5/5)

SOLSTICE: A character, just like a real life person, has much more to them than their physical features. They have a background. They have motives. They have personality traits and quirks. They have relationships, blah blah. And Solstice has all these, from the little I've read. The insight you gave us into her and her mother's relationship in chapter one, her motive for joining in the competition (chapter two), her interaction with Eden, Nayati, and Pollen, go a long way into shaping Solstice as a complex character in the eyes of readers. Her inner dialogues, as well.

SOLSTICE is extraordinarily tall, maybe large (she mentioned her hands would swallow Pollen's). She's reserved, doesn't like to be around people, which makes her come off as rude. I think she's kind, and I also think that deep down, she does want company (she could have booted Eden and Nayati out, if she wanted, but she chose to let them stay). Though, she acts as though she doesn't care about her mother, I think her mother is the one person she cares about the most. And her mother's attention, and maybe love and care, is really what she yearns for. She's a bit funny, sees people through some quirky lens, brave (she did say she'd come close to the death fork).

Her background shows through her expressions (oh Tartarus, no. I didn't give a harpy's feather... etc). You've done a nice job with her.

EDEN: Little (and by little, I think you mean tiny), redhead Eden. I don't know what to say about this character. I mentioned earlier that her transformation from embarrassed and shy to extroverted and jumpy is somehow. Perhaps, she's one of those people who only wait to be your friends before they unleash their crazy self.

NAYATI: His personality is consistent all through. Witty, bold, and a bit extra.

Ø PLOT/PACING. (4/5)

I can't say if your storyline is unique or not (I don't read much fantasy). To me, though, I think it's nice enough. People who are especially interested in Greek mythology may be fascinated by it, and since it promises some kind of war, action readers may enjoy it, too. It's also difficult for me to determine whether your characters are young adults or full adults. They sound and act like young adults, though (maybe a tad more interesting).

As for the pacing, you might want to seek the opinion of an avid fantasy reader for that. Like I said, I'm not very familiar with this genre. However, I think the pacing is okay for a normal not-fantasy book. The chapter to chapter transitions are well executed, info is sprinkled about the chapters, blah blah. But for fantasy, it may be a tad slow. I mean, four chapters in and we are yet to see any kind of action. I get it that you're trying to build the characters that may play an essential role in the overall plot, which is awesome. The setting, as well. But...

Ø PARTING SHOTS.

1. WHEN A PHRASE OR DEPENDENT CLAUSE SETS OF A SENTENCE, A COMMA SHOULD BE ADDED AFTER THE PHRASE OR CLAUSE TO ENHANCE UNDERSTANDING. EXAMPLE: THE SENTENCE ABOVE.

2. DIALOGUES USUALLY END WITH A COMMA, A PERIOD, A QUESTION MARK, AN EXCLAMATION MARK, AN ELLIPSIS, OR A DASH. A DIALOGUE ENDS WITH A COMMA WHEN IT IS FOLLOWED BY A DIALOGUE TAG (THAT IS, WORDS THAT DESCRIBE HOW A CHARACTER SAYS SOMETHING. EXAMPLE: SHE SAID, SHE SCREAMED, E.T.C SO YOU'LL HAVE, 'And you know I'm Zeus, the king of Olympus,' Zeus said.) A PERIOD ENDS A DIALOGUE WHEN IT IS FOLLOWED BY AN ACTION TAG OR PRECEDED BY A DIALOGUE TAG ( EXAMPLE A: 'And you know I'm Zeus, the king of Olympus.' Zeus stabbed his chest with a finger. EXAMPLE B: Zeus stated, 'And you know I'mZeus, the king of Olympus.') UNLESS A DIALOGUE ENDS WITH A PERIOD, THE FIRST LETTER OF THE DIALOGUE TAG ISN'T CAPITALISED. ('And you know I'm Zeus,' he stated. '(2) And you know I'm Zeus!' he exclaimed. (3) 'And you know I'm Zeus?' he asked. (4) 'And you know I'm Zeus?' He raised his brows.)

EXCEPT ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS, ALL PUNCTUATION MARKS ARE INSIDE THE QUOTATION MARKS NOT OUTSIDE. DO READ MORE ON DIALOGUES AND HOW TO PUNCTUATE THEM TO GET A BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

Ø OVERALL ENJOYMENT. (4/5)

I enjoyed this story no be small. And I guess I've typed so much I don't know what else to type except to tell you you've got some serious potential. All you need is more effort, thorough editing, and... that's all, I guess.

infuation your overall score is 30.8/50.

This review is super long. I won't blame you if you ignore it or skip some parts, but it'll be disrespectful to me, and disregarding to the time I sacrificed for this, if you do so. Do please leave a comment or two to show you've read and understood this review. Do not hesitate to ask questions or call me out on any mistake I may have made. I'll also suggest you give your book a chance with other reviewers, particularly those versed in the fantasy genre, for a more accurate review. Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer.

Yours sincerely,

RaainaAkoredeAranmolate.