Reviewer: 08_Umm_Waraqah

Review: Daughter of the Gods

Client: ProdigiousFlames

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HEY, I'M GLAD TO HAVE LANDED THE DEAL OF REVIEWING YOUR BOOK. BEFOREBEFORE I DROP MY REVIEW, I'D LIKE TO LET YOU IN ON A FEW THINGS.

· I AM NOT A BLUNT PERSON, BUT I AM VERY HONEST. IN OTHER WORDS, MY REVIEW OF YOUR BOOK WILL BE DONE WITH ALL HONESTY.

· I WILL NOT SHY AWAY FROM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. FROM POINTING OUT YOUR ERRORS AND GIVING YOU A DETAILED SOLUTION ON HOW TO FIX IT.

· AS I WILL BE BRUTALLY HONEST, SOME OF MY WORDS MAY STING. PLEASE, KEEP IN MIND THAT IT ISN'T DELIBERATE. I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP.

· DOUBLE CHECK WHATEVER I MENTION HERE. I AM NOT PERFECT. I MAY POINT OUT SOMETHING AS AN ERROR, AND IT MAY BE CORRECT. SO, PLEASE, QUADRUPLE CHECK MY WORDS AGAINST EVERY RESOURCE YOU CAN FIND.

THAT SAID AND OUT OF THE WAY, I'LL JUMP STRAIGHT TO MY REVIEW.

OH, AND HEADS UP! THIS REVIEW IS SUPER LONG.

· TITLE/COVER: (5/5)

Your cover is absolutely beautiful, alluring (to readers of this genre), and I think it fits your book and its genre (I've seen so many books like yours and they tend to have covers like yours. That's a good thing, I guess). The title is also fitting, and unique. I have nothing to critique here.

· BLURB: (3/5)

I like the quotes in your blurb. Are they relevant to the story? I don't know yet. Do you need them in your blurb? I think you only need one. I'm not a really huge fan of quotes, except those that are short and punchy. Now, if I were a reader and the first two, three lines I saw in your blurb were quotes, I may want to skip your book. So I think you should pick one of those quotes and ditch the other one.

Also, in the third paragraph of your blurb: However, when Karna's true identity is revealed, the 6 realize, there's more than meets the eye.

Who are the Six?

Perhaps, you should elaborate a bit on them (not mention their names, as that would be too much information) or cut that part out and replace it with something else. Perhaps, something like: the powerful people of dash dash dash (because I'm thinking The Six must be powerful) or any other qualifier. And that part actually makes it seem like you've cut the blurb in half. I can't tell if the part about the woman relates to the Six or the aforementioned names or Karna.

I also do not think that last quote is needed. Perhaps, if it was more punchy (I'm not even sure this is a word, but I hope you get my drift) or the only quote in the blurb, it could work. But right now, it isn't. An example of a punchy quote will be the one you have in your prologue. The one in the picture.

All in all, I think you have a nice blurb. The first two paragraphs are apt. The last three are the ones that need some revamping. I wish I could help with this, but when it comes to blurbs, I'm only good at critiquing them not writing them.

· PROLOGUE. (8/12.5)

GRAMMAR: The most glaring problem here is your... sentence structure? Wording? For example, in the first dialogue, we have: 'Ishani, I beg you for one last time... for how many years will you do this, Ishani?"

If that were structured right, it should have been: 'Ishani, I beg you for the last time.' Then down to, 'How many years will you do this for, Ishani?' or better still: 'How long will you keep doing this, Ishani?' These sounds better, less awkward, more natural.

There's also the problem with comma (trust me, I struggle with this, too). (A) You tend to place commas where they aren't needed. Like here: 'Tears fell from his eyes, when he recollected how unwise he was, back then.' The commas after 'eyes' and 'was' aren't needed. In fact, it's wrong for them to be there. You should have: 'Tears fell from his eyes when he recollected how unwise he was back then.' See the difference? Great!

Another example in the comma corner is: 'Tiny drops began to fall on him but Arjun couldn't feel anything.' The 'but' there joins two complete sentences (tiny drops... and Arjun couldn't...). Therefore, there should be a comma before it.

One more: 'I made many mistakes. But it's too late isn't it?' Should be: 'I made many mistakes. But it's too late, isn't it?'

One thing seriously irks me. Writers not placing a comma before or after a name or title when address a person. Fortunately for you, you don't do that (99.9 percent of the time, though), and I'm very glad.

You also seem to have your tenses pretty locked down (except in a few places, that is).

PUNCTUATION: Okay, wait. Shouldn't those comma problems be here? I don't know. Well, in this category, punctuating dialogues and inappropriate capitalisation seems to be the prominent issue. Like: ''...But it's too late isn't it?" He questioned to himself.' That should be: ''...But it's too late, isn't it?' he questioned himself.' I changed that capital 'H' to small letter, since 'he questioned himself' is a dialogue tag (see parting shot below) and, hence, still part of the sentence.

There are several other errors like this in the prologue. You'd do well to look for them and do the corrections.

Dialogues: 'I know, it's difficult to forgive us, but she's dying.' Arjun pleaded to Ishani...' This should be: 'Iknow it's difficult to forgive us, but she's dying,' Arjun pleaded WITH Ishani.' Now, I seriously wish I could capitalise the comma after 'dying', but I can't. Your original dialogue would have been correct if you had something like 'Arjun threw his hands around Ishani's legs' after the quotation mark.

DESCRIPTION: There's little to no description here. It feels like the actions are taking place in a vacuum or something. We don't get the physical description of the characters. We don't get description of the scenes. The emotional descriptions we get are almost nonexistent. This made it really hard to connect with any of the characters and your writing, as a matter of fact.

DIALOGUES: The dialogue is real and believable. Maybe a little dramatic, but still believable.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: To be honest, I think you can do better. You have a nice enough action going on and nice enough characters, as well. But you need more. If you want to hook your readers by the neck and force them to keep scrolling, you need to do better. And I almost decided I would read just one chapter when I saw how long this prologue was, only to find out half the chapter is history. So, so as not to scare readers (the ones who, like me, have a phobia for long Wattpad chapters) away, I suggest you cut out that history part and place it somewhere else. Maybe before the dialogue or in an author's note chapter.

I also liked the formatting (I hope that's what it's called). Your prologue is neat, tidy, and easy to read.

· CHAPTER ONE. (5/12.5)

GRAMMAR: Same issue as the prologue. Awkward structuring and wording. For example: 'No use of crying for someone useless.' This should be: 'No use FOR crying OVER someone useless.'

Another example: 'Her face had a smile on her face, the smile which could make even the devil on his knees for this beauty.' This could be better worded as: 'She had a smile on her face. A smile so beautiful, it could drive the devil to his knees.' Or something like that.

There's also the same issue with commas as the prologue. For example: 'Who do you think I am you, fools?' which should be: 'Who do you think I am, you fools?'

PUNCTUATION: Again, same issue as the prologue. Inappropriate capitalisation and improper dialogue punctuations.

DESCRIPTION: Again, as in the prologue, there are little to no description of the scenes or characters.

DIALOGUES: Unfortunately, though the dialogue in this chapter is less dramatic, it's also less believable. How come Ishani woke amidst a group of strange men, and her first utterances are abusive? There was no fear, hardly any confusion, just a badass show. And she kept on with this throughout. It wasn't annoying, but it wasn't amusing either. There's the dialogues between the Pandava brothers that was also really hard to follow because of the foreign terms.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: In the second part of this chapter, you give the readers a quick history lesson. This is a no, no. What you've succeeded in doing there is breaking the flow of your story and making yourself and your book come off as amateurish. If you know you want to do such a thing, let it be at the end of your chapters (and that's even because it's Wattpad) or at the beginning. Or, better still, you can write in the omniscient Point of view (In this point if view, you can throw in as many informations as you want without having to break the fourth wall).

I think the grammar here is less better than in the prologue, and it greatly takes away from the reader's enjoyment. The names, titles and so on do nothing to help, as well.

· PLOT. (3/5)

I won't say your plot is unique, because I don't know what is unique or common for the genre you write in. But I think it's good. And from the little I read, it seems to be going somewhere really great. It's like you have it all mapped out, and that's good. The only problem is while the romance subplot may be easy to understand for ordinary readers, the deeper Indian...lore? May not. So if you're looking for a broader readership for your book,, you might want to make it simpler.

· CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. (2/5)

Your characters are almost like apparitions. They have no physical description, hardly any emotional description, and their environment is more or less a blank canvass. Because of this, it's really hard to relate with any of the characters. Not even Ishani, the main female protagonist. You gave a vague description of her in the first chapter, but that silky dark hair, beautiful smile, etcetera could have matched any Indian girl. There's nothing wrong with a plain character (I have dark skin, black eyes, and a skinny body like fifty percent of Nigerian girls. But if I were a character, my writer would do well to touch on my unique features rather than the average ones. Like the fact that one of my ears is bigger than the other). So picture Ishani, look for her unique features, and touch on that alongside the average features. Blend the physical description with emotional description like @tarishannon18 always recommends. It makes your character stand out in the mind of readers.

In terms of settings, you tried a bit in showing the difference between Ishani's modern ways and Karna's ancient one by mentioning the surprise Karna and his brothers expressed at Ishani's dressing, choice of words, and role as a woman in the modern world. But you still have a long way to go.

· PARTING SHOTS.

1) COMMAS ARE MARKS USED TO INDICATE A SLIGHT/SHORT PAUSE IN A SENTENCE THEY ARE USED BETWEEN ITEMS IN A SERIES (EXAMPLE: I READ THE BLURB, PROLOGUE, AND FIRST CHAPTER OF DAUGHTER OF THE GODS). THEY'RE ALSO USED TO INDICATE DIRECT ADDRESS (EXAMPLE: ISHANI, I BEG YOU ). THERE ARE ABOUT FIVE MORE USES OF COMMA. I RECOMMEND YOU READ UP ON THEM, UNDERSTAND THEM, AND PUT THEM INTO PRACTICE IN YOUR WRITING.

2) DIALOGUES USUALLY END WITH A COMMA, A PERIOD, A QUESTION MARK, AN EXCLAMATION MARK, AN ELLIPSIS, OR A DASH. A DIALOGUE ENDS EITH A COMMA WHEN IT IS FOLLOWED BY A DIALOGUE TAG (THAT IS, WORDS THAT DESCRIBE HOW A CHARACTER SAYS SOMETHING. EXAMPLE: SHE SAID, SHE SCREAMED, E.T.C SO YOU'LL HAVE, 'ISHANI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME,' ARJUN PLEADED.). A PERIOD ENDS A DIALOGUE WHEN IT IS FOLLOWED BY AN ACTION TAG OR PRECEDED BY A DIALOGUE TAG ( EXAMPLE A: 'ISHANI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.' ARJUN TREW HIS HANDS AROUND ISHANI'S LEGS. EXAMPLE B: ARJUN SAID, 'ISHANI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.')

EXCEPT ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS, ALL PUNCTUATION MARKS ARE INSIDE THE QUOTATION MARKS NOT OUTSIDE. DO READ MORE ON DIALOGUES AND HOW TO PUNCTUATE THEM TO GET A BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

3) DESCRIPTION IS A VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT OF WRITING. ITS STYLE DIFFERS FROM WRITER TO WRITER. BUT ALL IN ALL, IT HAS TO BE PRESENT SO AS TO HELP YOUR READERS VISUALISE YOUR SCENES AND CHARACTERS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, CONNECT WITH YOUR STORY. IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH DESCRIPTION, TRY TO IMAGINE YOUR CHARACTERS ACTING OUT WHATEVER SCENE YOU'RE WRITING AND DESCRIBE ACCORDINGLY. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOUR CHARACTERS CAN SEE, SMELL, TOUCH, HEAR, FEEL.

4) BAD GRAMMAR WILL MOST LIKELY CHASE YOUR READERS AWAY. I SUSPECT ENGLISH IS YOUR SECOND LANGUAGE SO I WON'T BLAME YOU TOO MUCH. BUT TRUTH IS, ANYBODY CAN BE GREAT AT ANY LANGUAGE IF THEY'RE WILLING TO LEARN. READ GOOD BOOKS WITH GOOD GRAMMAR. MAKE FRIENDS WITH GRAMMATICALLY SOUND PEOPLE. READ ARTICLES ON THE ASPECTS OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR YOU'RE NOT CLEAR ON. AND YOU'LL BE SURPRISED AT HOW SEAMLESSLY AND ACCURATELY YOU'LL START WEAVING ENGLISH WORDS TOGETHER.

5) TRY TO FIND SOMEONE GOOD IN ENGLISH GRAMMAR TO HELP YOU BETA READ YOUR CHAPTERS. THIS PERSON WOULD TELL YOU WHAT AND WHAT NOT TO CHANGE. WHAT AND WHAT NOT TO ADD. AND SO ON.

6) YOU MAY HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF DIALOGUES BUT STILL FAIL TO GET ANYTHING THROUGH. GOOD DIALOGUES HAVE TO BE BELIEVABLE. THAT IS, THE CHARACTERS MUST SOUND LIKE ACTUAL HUMANS (OR VERY CLOSE). TO ACHIEVE THIS EFFECT, PAUSE BEFORE YOU WRITE A CHARACTER'S DIALOGUE, AND ASK YOURSELF IF A REAL HUMAN WILL SPEAK LIKE YOUR CHARACTER (MAKE SURE TO TAKE YOUR CHARACTER'S TRAITS INTO CONSIDERATION HERE).

7) YOU HAVE A NICE ENOUGH VOCABULARY, AND BENEATH ALL YOUR TECHNICAL ISSUES PEEPS A BEAUTIFUL WRITING STYLE. ONCE THE WRITING TECHNIQUES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO POLISH AND HONE YOUR STYLE.

· OVERALL ENJOYMENT. (2/5)

To be honest, what with all the unfamiliar names, titles and terms, I didn't really enjoy this. I enjoyed the prologue to an extent, though. I guess because that's just a simple story. This is not to discourage you from writing your... IS it folklore? You just have try to execute it in such a way that it'll be more captivating and less confusing.

 you have an overall score of 28 out of 50. If you have any questions, please tag me in the comment sections.

Raaina Akorede Aranmolate.